'Reaching for Sarah's Soul' - Part Eleven
Author: Daenar
Disclaimer: See Part One
This story is set in the middle of season 7, just after 'Answered Prayers'.
From part ten:
He nodded. "You remembered parts of the shooting in Arizona," he explained to her. Hope was ringing in his voice when he added, "What do you recall?"
Mac's brow furrowed in concentration. A minute passed in silence, then two, three. Eventually, her shoulders dropped. "Nothing," she choked out, her acute disappointment cutting through his heart like a knife. "Not a single thing... just that I was going to die. But nothing beyond." Harm could tell Mac was fighting her tears. He pulled her a little closer still and caressed her hair.
Smith placed a soothing hand on her shoulder. "Don't despair, Sarah. That was only the first time you tried this kind of thing. Stick to whatever you may find out about Red Rock Mesa. I'm sure the clue must lie somewhere in this story. Take a little time and then see me again, okay?"
Mac only nodded, apparently lost in deep thought, miles away from her actual surroundings. But all of a sudden, she raised her head and fixed her gaze to Harm's. He was amazed at the amount of sheer desperate determination showing in her eyes.
"If the key to my problem lies in that mission or anything connected to it," she began, cautiously but decidedly, "Then I know who might hold it. Harm..." Her eyes bore into his, setting his heart aflame once again. "It's Golden's curse. I need to go to Fort Leavenworth."
Part Eleven:
Feb. 20th 1615 ZULU Military detention center Fort Leavenworth, Kansas
As they were led through the long, bare, neon-lit corridors, Sarah contemplated the irony of it all. Barely a week ago, she had been relieved, knowing she wouldn't need to wear her uniform again - at least for quite some time, if ever. Today, however, she longed for the security the Marine green would have provided her in a place such as this. She felt bared and vulnerable in her elegant civilian attire. Sarah was well aware that the charcoal flannel suit and the burgundy shirt she wore underneath suited her very well, but not even the joy she had felt at Harm's open admiration when he had picked her up for the airport early this morning could prevent her from wishing for the shelter of her colonel's class A's.
Always following closely in Harm's tracks, his tall Navy-blue frame being her one mental anchor, she once again thought of just how thankful she was that she had him to help her deal with all this - starting with the big issues of digesting her situation, right down to logistic problems such as getting access to a military high-security facility and subsequently the opportunity to confront the man who had caused all her present pain.
At first, Harm had suggested she meet her uncle rather than Jeremy Golden, but Sarah had refused. Harm had argued that talking to someone who had been so close to her and knew a lot about her character might help a great deal. Of course, this kind of reasoning was nothing she could dismiss lightly. Yet, much as she longed to dig up anything that linked her to her past, Sarah was reluctant to confront Matthew O'Hara. She was well aware that she was being foolish about it but after all she had learned about Colonel O'Hara, about what strong and determined a person he was, about just how much he had influenced and formed her, she was ashamed to face him now. What would he think of the weak nobody his niece had become? And if he still cared, wouldn't she cause him unnecessary pain, letting him know about her state and leaving him completely unable to help?
Still, after long arguing, Sarah had finally admitted to Harm that the main reason for her refusal lay elsewhere: she was plain terrified that she might meet him and not feel any connection at all. Her only living family member within reach, just another major disappointment in her quest? As long as she could shelve that moment, she would. So far, confronting the enemy seemed less dangerous than meeting but not recognizing a once beloved relative. So Sarah had insisted they see Lieutenant Commander Golden and leave the family reunion for some later occasion. At some point, Harm had given in.
Harm had arranged their interview, claiming he - as the prosecutor who had gotten Golden convicted - wanted to offer him the possibility to turn State's evidence against some of his former criminal contacts. In some sort of a special after-trial plea bargain, Harm would then motion for Golden's verdict of double life imprisonment to be reduced from hard labor to ordinary brig time. Sarah as Golden's former defense counsel would offer to negotiate the plea with the prosecution.
Nobody needed to know that for Golden, a plea bargain was nowhere near in sight.
Sarah wasn't sure how she felt about seeing Golden again. She didn't remember anything about him - so meeting him shouldn't cause her any more problems than had meeting any of her friends or colleagues. But one factor altered the whole equation: Golden was the ultimate focus of Sarah's concentrated rage and hatred. She had no idea how she would react once she met face to face with him. She was sure Mac would have stayed all cool and professional - at least as far as keeping up outward appearances was concerned. 'Sarah', on the other hand, might behave completely differently. And what worried her most was that she didn't know which of the two scenarios applied.
When the guard left them alone in the interrogation room to summon the delinquent, Harm once again turned to her, his concern showing clearly on his face. "Are you absolutely sure you want to do this, Sarah?" he asked, "You know this could get pretty ugly, don't you?"
Trying to appear more confident than she felt and asking herself at the same time whom she wanted to fool, Sarah gave her friend a wan smile. "Yeah, I know. I know Golden's obsessed with getting back at us," she recited the warnings Harm had voiced many times over ever since she had told him she wanted to confront her former client. "I know he'll be on the lookout for whatever weaknesses he may spot in us. I know I probably won't be able to conceal my problem from him, and I know that once I need to come out with it, he'll savor his triumph." She stepped back slightly, needing this bit of distance to steel herself for what was to follow. "But I need to do it, Harm. I really do. You understand that, right?"
He sighed and nodded. "'Course I do. Or I wouldn't have come."
"Thank you," she said simply, reading in his gaze the honesty of his support and his wish to protect her. "I don't know if I'd be able to follow through without you."
His voice was very low when he answered. "You're welcome."
Just then the door opened and Jeremy Golden stepped into the room. Harm seemed to barely restrain himself from jumping at his throat. Yet, Sarah witnessed as just a split second later, the invisible blinds in front of Harm's soul seemed to close and he fell into professional routine - friendly, but icy.
Golden's smile was just a little too smug for Sarah's liking. She involuntarily lifted her chin a little higher... and immediately regretted it. Golden apparently noted each and every detail, be it visible or not. Her slight movement had kindled a spark in his eyes that didn't appear healthy to her at all.
"Commander Rabb, how very kind of you to drop by," Golden drawled, unceremoniously dropping onto a chair when Harm motioned for him to sit down. Then he let his eyes wander to Sarah, making her cringe inwardly at his open display of malicious joy. "And my dear Colonel Mackenzie... or rather Ms. Mackenzie, as I hear you swapped green for silk and flannel... A tad too adventurous after all, the military, for a lady like you, eh?" he challenged.
When Sarah prepared to answer she asked herself how long she'd hold up if this first reply had already forced her to gather all her mental strength. Yet, for now, she wouldn't back down. "There are far too many people of your caliber outside the military, too," she replied, squarely meeting and holding his gaze. "I just thought I might be needed to rid the world of some of them."
"Wisely spoken," Golden mocked her. "But if that be the case, then what gentle breeze brings you by, honey?"
"Civilian or not, you will show Ms. Mackenzie the full respect due an officer, Ensign," Harm threatened, stressing the rank Golden bore since having been degraded on trial. "Or you might as well forget that we were here in the first place."
Golden didn't seem to be fazed. "...that you were here to do what exactly, sir?"
Rather than see it, Sarah could feel that Harm's mental temperature was already nearing the boiling point. "To offer you a way out of hard labor," Harm stated pointedly, his words cutting the air like freshly shaped blades. "Not that you deserve it, but I'm willing to be generous this once - if you agree to cooperate."
"I see," Golden said in a seemingly thoughtful voice. Then he suddenly turned to Sarah again, eyebrows raised. "But what would you be here for, ma'am?"
"To offer my legal assistance as you already figured among my clients," Sarah retorted rather stiffly, mentally slapping herself for her insecurity.
Pursing his mouth, Golden cocked his head and sized her up for a moment. She felt like being stripped of her clothes one by one under the scrutiny of his eyes, becoming more exposed and vulnerable by the second. Almost against hope, she hoped she'd be able to conceal her true state of mind from him, but as the thought was forming in her mind, she could already read in his eyes that he knew something was very wrong about the picture she was trying to give of herself.
'This is what you get for sharing personal information with a client,' Sarah concluded, thinking about what Harm had told her of her defense strategy. 'Quid pro quo. Smart move, Sarah, smart move indeed.'
Golden's grin had widened. "Thank you so much, ma'am. So, as the law expert, what'd you suggest I do?" he asked innocently.
Sarah's voice was still as stiff as if she'd swallowed a stick and were sitting bolt upright. "I'd advise you to consider the commander's offer about turning State's evidence."
"Aah... wouldn't I know it," Golden sighed theatrically. "There's always a catch, isn't there, ma'am? You want me to testify against my partners? That's a hard one..."
"Consider what you'd get in return," Harm cut in curtly. "Here's the deal. You've already booked your lifetime suite in this noble inn, so you have nothing to lose. Instead I'll motion for changing your sentence from hard labor to 'ordinary' brig time if you'll testify against the men who acted on your command and kidnapped my brother, the colonel's sister and our colleagues' son."
Observing the enemy closely, Sarah had seen something change in Golden's expression while Harm had been talking. The slightest bit of understanding had sparked in his eyes, and she knew that very moment that Golden had tasted blood. He wouldn't drop this particular topic anymore, now that it had been brought up. To anyone, Harm's words would have seemed determined. To her, however, who was close to him, they had sounded just a little desperate. And Sarah was convinced that Golden had concluded that there was far more to the picture.
Golden actually chuckled. "Scary New Year, wasn't it? Too bad they screwed up. So I guess I might as well get back at them and tell you whatever you'd like to hear. Assuming I decide to go for it, what exactly would that be, sir?"
"Watch your speech, Golden," Harm snarled, barely suppressed rage shining through his words. "Or we'll be gone before you can even salute."
"Too bad, sir," Golden replied with feigned regret, "But I'd really need something more... inspiring to get me to talk. After all, I 'booked my suite' here, as you put it. The fun of an animated conversation with the two of you makes a little hard labor worthwhile. Ms. Mackenzie," he turned to Sarah and again his stare penetrated any walls that she had tried to erect around herself, "I kind of liked your 'Quid pro quo' antics. If anything, this might just give me the decisive push..."
Expressly not looking at Harm - in order to show strength just as well as to avoid encountering the anxiety she knew lay in his gaze - Sarah stated, "Agreed."
"Fine," Golden smirked. "I'll open the exchange. Yes, I contacted my former partners from within the brig via e-mail. Your turn."
Again against her own will, Sarah gulped visibly. "Okay. You got what you wanted from the start, Golden," she forced herself to tell him. "I'm facing a few personal problems right now and I need to review the whole affair. I want your account of the trial."
This time, Golden's expression of astonishment was almost sincere. "You puzzle me, ma'am. You were there, weren't you? Okay, here you go. The commander listed the facts, grilled a few witnesses and had me nailed. You did nothing about it. Quid pro quo, Colonel."
"Your last statement in the courtroom made quite an impression on me," Sarah admitted, hating herself for doing it and hating him for expecting it and knowing she would comply. "What exactly did I tell you about ichnites and Red Rock Mesa?"
For a long minute, Golden only scrutinized her. Then, a thin smile began to contort his face. "I don't think this game is as much fun as it used to be," he observed. "So, if you want to keep receiving answers, ma'am, you should accept my altered rules." All of a sudden, his gaze turned hard. "As are: there are no rules for me and just one for you. Until I decide I'm satisfied and feel inclined to talk, I'm asking and you'll answer. How about that?"
Clearly enraged, Harm got up. "Ensign Golden, front and center!" he ordered, furious. Strangely enough, Golden complied and came to attention, although a hint of a smile kept still tugging at the corners of his mouth.
Harm went on, "Forget about the plea bargain. Forget that we ever even considered..."
"Agreed," Sarah cut in, silently asking Harm to forgive her for questioning his authority this openly. But she saw her hopes dim that at least here, she might find something to trigger some kind of a mental re-start of her memory. And she wouldn't let the opportunity slip through her fingers. 'Don't look at Harm,' she implored herself, knowing full well what she would have found in his eyes. She was a traitor. She had stabbed him from behind when he had tried to protect her. But she couldn't help it. She needed to know.
"At ease. Sit down, Ensign," Harm only said after a few tense seconds. It was obvious he was trying to rid his voice of any reproach.
"Very well, sir, ma'am," Golden said smugly. "'Yes' or 'no' will do until I tell you otherwise. Let's make this simple: I'll limit myself to five questions. Then we'll see where we stand. So, question number one: do you agree that all the answers you've asked for so far would have been things that an experienced lawyer like you would never forget in the course of less than a year?"
Her pulse rate had to have at least doubled. Golden was following the right track. 'God, help me pull through,' Sarah implored silently. "Yes," she said aloud, her voice devoid of any emotions.
"Number two: am I right to assume that you normally don't ask your former clients such questions, ma'am?"
"Yes, you're right," Sarah retorted defiantly. If she was bound to go down with this ship, she'd do it with her head uplifted.
Golden seemed to enjoy himself immensely, seeing he was headed in the right direction. "So, judging from the course this conversation has taken, your attitude regarding this point has changed since New Year?"
"Yes," Sarah said as curtly as possible.
"To be more precise: did your change of mind occur after the Arizona shooting?"
"Yes." Sarah thought her answer sounded as if it had been recorded on tape and was now being reproduced over and over again.
"Last one: to be frank, Colonel, I hear you were gravely injured. Did your injuries cause you amnesia?"
"Yes, they did," Sarah answered icily, having accepted failure and praying the outcome would justify the means in the end. "All right, I humiliated myself. You got your revenge. Go ahead. Enjoy it. But now I want details."
His gaze falsely apologetic once more, Golden shook his head. "I'm sorry for you, ma'am... but I never said I'd answer now. I only said we'd see. Still, I'll concede that we can move this on to phase two. You still game?"
'As much as I could ever be, masochist that I apparently am,' Sarah silently scolded herself, giving just another "Yes." and waiting for the next question.
However, they were in for another surprise. Golden turned to Harm. "Fine. Commander, you'll answer me now, right? I'm sure you'll want to help your favorite former colleague to regain all the nice memories she must have of you," he sneered.
"All right, enough," Harm snapped, getting up again and turning to Sarah. "Come on, Mac. Let's go. This is of no use."
She didn't know how to react. She felt just how painful this had to be for him but cruel as it was, Golden was her last straw. She couldn't let it go. 'Harm, please...' she silently begged, her gaze glued to his.
"Interesting," Golden remarked, observing their silent conversation. "Tell me, ma'am, are we fraternizing a little? Oh, sorry, now you're on the safe side, of course. Anyway, I suspected as much when I saw you face to face during the trial. I might just drop a hint to someone important about conduct unbecoming..." Letting his voice trail off and insinuating the consequences, he turned to Harm. "In denial, Commander? How come? With such a beautiful woman as her?"
"You're having delusions, Ensign. Besides, my friendship with the colonel has absolutely nothing to do with what we're here for. We're willing to follow your outrageous game here, because any information you might have could be important. So, don't waste our time." Harm's answer had come out just a little more passionate than he'd probably planned.
"Oh, I think it has everything to do with the case, Commander," Golden drawled, obviously doing a mental happy dance that he had the prosecution's fair hero on a short leash. "If you ask me," he leaned back on his chair and fixed the ceiling in a mock gesture of contemplating a philosophical issue, "Out there, in Arizona, your... 'friend' knew she was close to dying and the heartache of leaving you behind with matters still unresolved between you two was too much. So her memory just hotwired."
Sarah was already regretting bitterly that she had insisted they stay. Seeing Harm's pained expression and somehow feeling keenly what was going on inside him, she reproached herself for exposing him so cruelly. She only hoped he'd ever be able to forgive her.
"Maybe," was all Harm said, his face seeming to be carved in marble.
Golden's eyebrows went up. "Did you really answer me? You're actually doing this, Commander? For her? Amazing. What do you think you'll achieve with this? Win her heart?"
"Get the information she needs," Harm ground out.
Golden frowned. "Awww, sir, you should know me better than that. I don't buy it. You have to know, I can judge that normally you'd already have kicked my butt to the moon instead of putting up with my game. That you're so compliant can mean only one thing: you consider the colonel more important than anything else. We don't get many heart-warming stories in here. So, here's my offer: let me have yours, 'the whole truth and nothing but the truth', of course... and I'll answer whatever you ask. Fair deal, I'd say. Up to you, sir." Smirking broadly, Golden leaned back again and crossed his arms in front of his chest, waiting.
Gray dots were dancing in front of Sarah's eyes and she had to keep reminding herself not to hyperventilate. Just how horrible could this get? Golden was offering to supply the information she longed for and needed desperately to maybe finally come back to herself again - at the price of forcing Harm to confess something he apparently hadn't even told his own mother, let alone her, whom it might concern the most. All of a sudden, Sarah was disgusted about herself. Who was she to force the best and most loyal friend she'd probably ever had - the man she loved - into letting himself torture just for a few facts she might need?
"Harm," she quickly addressed him, unconsciously laying her hand on his forearm, "Don't let him do this to you. Let's just go. It's not that important anyway."
"It is to me," he replied, surprising her as well as Golden who had apparently counted on a little more resistance.
"Is it?" Golden asked, grinning maliciously. "Then spill it... sir."
Harm's face was all marble again. Staring in Golden's direction, his voice was monotone and low when he made what Sarah recognized as probably the most intimate confession of his entire life. "All right, Golden. Have it your way. Quid pro quo. Yes, you're right. I'm doing this for her. I want her to come back to her true self again, more than anything. And you're right, too, if you're suspecting that I'm also doing this for myself. Sarah Mackenzie is the most important person in my life and I can't imagine it without her. Before all this happened, she was the one who made me want to excel in whatever I was doing. She was the one whom I used to share every happy moment with, and she was whom I'd turn to whenever I needed support. Now, all I can ever think of is getting her back and keeping her in my life for good. And I'll do whatever it takes to get there. Was that enough to satisfy you?" he asked just a little defiantly.
"Definitely." Golden seemed to savor the word as it was slowly rolling off his tongue, observing both of them closely.
Sarah suspected he could see just how close she was to crying - from joy because although Harm hadn't said it expressly, she had recognized his words as a declaration of love. And from despair - because he had all but said it openly that he didn't consider her the woman he loved anymore. Now she knew that not only her personality depended on retrieving her memory. Her whole future happiness, her life together with Harm was hanging on that one thread of hope.
"Good," Harm said, his emotional exhaustion evident in his voice. He didn't even seem to try to conceal it. "I've fulfilled my part of the deal. Now it's your turn, Ensign."
An achingly long moment passed before Golden spoke up again. "No," he said calmly, still smiling. "I don't need your offer anymore, sir. Why should I even consider turning State's evidence against my former partners? I'd have done it to have a bit of a vendetta because they screwed up my nice revenge plans in the first place. But... what they did accomplish is just so much better. I might even feel inclined to think of a gesture of gratitude towards them..." He stood. "If you'll please tell the guards to take me back to my cell, ma'am, sir?"
For a few seconds, Harm didn't even budge. He had paled and beads of perspiration were visible on his forehead. Then he slowly got up - a broken image of the man Sarah had come to know as Harmon Rabb, Jr. The man who had done the one thing he feared most, who had finally opened up and had laid his heart on the table in front of someone so utterly undeserving. He had bared his soul to someone he despised, for the sole purpose of helping her, and he had been pushed back into the dirt instead of achieving what he had made this enormous sacrifice for. He was standing motionless, unflinching, but to Sarah's eyes, it was as evident as anything that Harm was devastated and hurting tremendously.
This was her breaking point. Wondering for a fleeting moment if this was a remainder of Mac resurfacing, she suddenly sprung to her feet and violently punched the startled Golden in the face, making him topple to the ground. She stood over him for a moment, panting, willing herself not to kick his defenseless form. "Harm, I think we need a medic," she whispered shakily. "Self defense," she only added, knowing that from her point of view, it was the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help her God.
To be continued... (Feedback very much appreciated!)
This story is set in the middle of season 7, just after 'Answered Prayers'.
From part ten:
He nodded. "You remembered parts of the shooting in Arizona," he explained to her. Hope was ringing in his voice when he added, "What do you recall?"
Mac's brow furrowed in concentration. A minute passed in silence, then two, three. Eventually, her shoulders dropped. "Nothing," she choked out, her acute disappointment cutting through his heart like a knife. "Not a single thing... just that I was going to die. But nothing beyond." Harm could tell Mac was fighting her tears. He pulled her a little closer still and caressed her hair.
Smith placed a soothing hand on her shoulder. "Don't despair, Sarah. That was only the first time you tried this kind of thing. Stick to whatever you may find out about Red Rock Mesa. I'm sure the clue must lie somewhere in this story. Take a little time and then see me again, okay?"
Mac only nodded, apparently lost in deep thought, miles away from her actual surroundings. But all of a sudden, she raised her head and fixed her gaze to Harm's. He was amazed at the amount of sheer desperate determination showing in her eyes.
"If the key to my problem lies in that mission or anything connected to it," she began, cautiously but decidedly, "Then I know who might hold it. Harm..." Her eyes bore into his, setting his heart aflame once again. "It's Golden's curse. I need to go to Fort Leavenworth."
Part Eleven:
Feb. 20th 1615 ZULU Military detention center Fort Leavenworth, Kansas
As they were led through the long, bare, neon-lit corridors, Sarah contemplated the irony of it all. Barely a week ago, she had been relieved, knowing she wouldn't need to wear her uniform again - at least for quite some time, if ever. Today, however, she longed for the security the Marine green would have provided her in a place such as this. She felt bared and vulnerable in her elegant civilian attire. Sarah was well aware that the charcoal flannel suit and the burgundy shirt she wore underneath suited her very well, but not even the joy she had felt at Harm's open admiration when he had picked her up for the airport early this morning could prevent her from wishing for the shelter of her colonel's class A's.
Always following closely in Harm's tracks, his tall Navy-blue frame being her one mental anchor, she once again thought of just how thankful she was that she had him to help her deal with all this - starting with the big issues of digesting her situation, right down to logistic problems such as getting access to a military high-security facility and subsequently the opportunity to confront the man who had caused all her present pain.
At first, Harm had suggested she meet her uncle rather than Jeremy Golden, but Sarah had refused. Harm had argued that talking to someone who had been so close to her and knew a lot about her character might help a great deal. Of course, this kind of reasoning was nothing she could dismiss lightly. Yet, much as she longed to dig up anything that linked her to her past, Sarah was reluctant to confront Matthew O'Hara. She was well aware that she was being foolish about it but after all she had learned about Colonel O'Hara, about what strong and determined a person he was, about just how much he had influenced and formed her, she was ashamed to face him now. What would he think of the weak nobody his niece had become? And if he still cared, wouldn't she cause him unnecessary pain, letting him know about her state and leaving him completely unable to help?
Still, after long arguing, Sarah had finally admitted to Harm that the main reason for her refusal lay elsewhere: she was plain terrified that she might meet him and not feel any connection at all. Her only living family member within reach, just another major disappointment in her quest? As long as she could shelve that moment, she would. So far, confronting the enemy seemed less dangerous than meeting but not recognizing a once beloved relative. So Sarah had insisted they see Lieutenant Commander Golden and leave the family reunion for some later occasion. At some point, Harm had given in.
Harm had arranged their interview, claiming he - as the prosecutor who had gotten Golden convicted - wanted to offer him the possibility to turn State's evidence against some of his former criminal contacts. In some sort of a special after-trial plea bargain, Harm would then motion for Golden's verdict of double life imprisonment to be reduced from hard labor to ordinary brig time. Sarah as Golden's former defense counsel would offer to negotiate the plea with the prosecution.
Nobody needed to know that for Golden, a plea bargain was nowhere near in sight.
Sarah wasn't sure how she felt about seeing Golden again. She didn't remember anything about him - so meeting him shouldn't cause her any more problems than had meeting any of her friends or colleagues. But one factor altered the whole equation: Golden was the ultimate focus of Sarah's concentrated rage and hatred. She had no idea how she would react once she met face to face with him. She was sure Mac would have stayed all cool and professional - at least as far as keeping up outward appearances was concerned. 'Sarah', on the other hand, might behave completely differently. And what worried her most was that she didn't know which of the two scenarios applied.
When the guard left them alone in the interrogation room to summon the delinquent, Harm once again turned to her, his concern showing clearly on his face. "Are you absolutely sure you want to do this, Sarah?" he asked, "You know this could get pretty ugly, don't you?"
Trying to appear more confident than she felt and asking herself at the same time whom she wanted to fool, Sarah gave her friend a wan smile. "Yeah, I know. I know Golden's obsessed with getting back at us," she recited the warnings Harm had voiced many times over ever since she had told him she wanted to confront her former client. "I know he'll be on the lookout for whatever weaknesses he may spot in us. I know I probably won't be able to conceal my problem from him, and I know that once I need to come out with it, he'll savor his triumph." She stepped back slightly, needing this bit of distance to steel herself for what was to follow. "But I need to do it, Harm. I really do. You understand that, right?"
He sighed and nodded. "'Course I do. Or I wouldn't have come."
"Thank you," she said simply, reading in his gaze the honesty of his support and his wish to protect her. "I don't know if I'd be able to follow through without you."
His voice was very low when he answered. "You're welcome."
Just then the door opened and Jeremy Golden stepped into the room. Harm seemed to barely restrain himself from jumping at his throat. Yet, Sarah witnessed as just a split second later, the invisible blinds in front of Harm's soul seemed to close and he fell into professional routine - friendly, but icy.
Golden's smile was just a little too smug for Sarah's liking. She involuntarily lifted her chin a little higher... and immediately regretted it. Golden apparently noted each and every detail, be it visible or not. Her slight movement had kindled a spark in his eyes that didn't appear healthy to her at all.
"Commander Rabb, how very kind of you to drop by," Golden drawled, unceremoniously dropping onto a chair when Harm motioned for him to sit down. Then he let his eyes wander to Sarah, making her cringe inwardly at his open display of malicious joy. "And my dear Colonel Mackenzie... or rather Ms. Mackenzie, as I hear you swapped green for silk and flannel... A tad too adventurous after all, the military, for a lady like you, eh?" he challenged.
When Sarah prepared to answer she asked herself how long she'd hold up if this first reply had already forced her to gather all her mental strength. Yet, for now, she wouldn't back down. "There are far too many people of your caliber outside the military, too," she replied, squarely meeting and holding his gaze. "I just thought I might be needed to rid the world of some of them."
"Wisely spoken," Golden mocked her. "But if that be the case, then what gentle breeze brings you by, honey?"
"Civilian or not, you will show Ms. Mackenzie the full respect due an officer, Ensign," Harm threatened, stressing the rank Golden bore since having been degraded on trial. "Or you might as well forget that we were here in the first place."
Golden didn't seem to be fazed. "...that you were here to do what exactly, sir?"
Rather than see it, Sarah could feel that Harm's mental temperature was already nearing the boiling point. "To offer you a way out of hard labor," Harm stated pointedly, his words cutting the air like freshly shaped blades. "Not that you deserve it, but I'm willing to be generous this once - if you agree to cooperate."
"I see," Golden said in a seemingly thoughtful voice. Then he suddenly turned to Sarah again, eyebrows raised. "But what would you be here for, ma'am?"
"To offer my legal assistance as you already figured among my clients," Sarah retorted rather stiffly, mentally slapping herself for her insecurity.
Pursing his mouth, Golden cocked his head and sized her up for a moment. She felt like being stripped of her clothes one by one under the scrutiny of his eyes, becoming more exposed and vulnerable by the second. Almost against hope, she hoped she'd be able to conceal her true state of mind from him, but as the thought was forming in her mind, she could already read in his eyes that he knew something was very wrong about the picture she was trying to give of herself.
'This is what you get for sharing personal information with a client,' Sarah concluded, thinking about what Harm had told her of her defense strategy. 'Quid pro quo. Smart move, Sarah, smart move indeed.'
Golden's grin had widened. "Thank you so much, ma'am. So, as the law expert, what'd you suggest I do?" he asked innocently.
Sarah's voice was still as stiff as if she'd swallowed a stick and were sitting bolt upright. "I'd advise you to consider the commander's offer about turning State's evidence."
"Aah... wouldn't I know it," Golden sighed theatrically. "There's always a catch, isn't there, ma'am? You want me to testify against my partners? That's a hard one..."
"Consider what you'd get in return," Harm cut in curtly. "Here's the deal. You've already booked your lifetime suite in this noble inn, so you have nothing to lose. Instead I'll motion for changing your sentence from hard labor to 'ordinary' brig time if you'll testify against the men who acted on your command and kidnapped my brother, the colonel's sister and our colleagues' son."
Observing the enemy closely, Sarah had seen something change in Golden's expression while Harm had been talking. The slightest bit of understanding had sparked in his eyes, and she knew that very moment that Golden had tasted blood. He wouldn't drop this particular topic anymore, now that it had been brought up. To anyone, Harm's words would have seemed determined. To her, however, who was close to him, they had sounded just a little desperate. And Sarah was convinced that Golden had concluded that there was far more to the picture.
Golden actually chuckled. "Scary New Year, wasn't it? Too bad they screwed up. So I guess I might as well get back at them and tell you whatever you'd like to hear. Assuming I decide to go for it, what exactly would that be, sir?"
"Watch your speech, Golden," Harm snarled, barely suppressed rage shining through his words. "Or we'll be gone before you can even salute."
"Too bad, sir," Golden replied with feigned regret, "But I'd really need something more... inspiring to get me to talk. After all, I 'booked my suite' here, as you put it. The fun of an animated conversation with the two of you makes a little hard labor worthwhile. Ms. Mackenzie," he turned to Sarah and again his stare penetrated any walls that she had tried to erect around herself, "I kind of liked your 'Quid pro quo' antics. If anything, this might just give me the decisive push..."
Expressly not looking at Harm - in order to show strength just as well as to avoid encountering the anxiety she knew lay in his gaze - Sarah stated, "Agreed."
"Fine," Golden smirked. "I'll open the exchange. Yes, I contacted my former partners from within the brig via e-mail. Your turn."
Again against her own will, Sarah gulped visibly. "Okay. You got what you wanted from the start, Golden," she forced herself to tell him. "I'm facing a few personal problems right now and I need to review the whole affair. I want your account of the trial."
This time, Golden's expression of astonishment was almost sincere. "You puzzle me, ma'am. You were there, weren't you? Okay, here you go. The commander listed the facts, grilled a few witnesses and had me nailed. You did nothing about it. Quid pro quo, Colonel."
"Your last statement in the courtroom made quite an impression on me," Sarah admitted, hating herself for doing it and hating him for expecting it and knowing she would comply. "What exactly did I tell you about ichnites and Red Rock Mesa?"
For a long minute, Golden only scrutinized her. Then, a thin smile began to contort his face. "I don't think this game is as much fun as it used to be," he observed. "So, if you want to keep receiving answers, ma'am, you should accept my altered rules." All of a sudden, his gaze turned hard. "As are: there are no rules for me and just one for you. Until I decide I'm satisfied and feel inclined to talk, I'm asking and you'll answer. How about that?"
Clearly enraged, Harm got up. "Ensign Golden, front and center!" he ordered, furious. Strangely enough, Golden complied and came to attention, although a hint of a smile kept still tugging at the corners of his mouth.
Harm went on, "Forget about the plea bargain. Forget that we ever even considered..."
"Agreed," Sarah cut in, silently asking Harm to forgive her for questioning his authority this openly. But she saw her hopes dim that at least here, she might find something to trigger some kind of a mental re-start of her memory. And she wouldn't let the opportunity slip through her fingers. 'Don't look at Harm,' she implored herself, knowing full well what she would have found in his eyes. She was a traitor. She had stabbed him from behind when he had tried to protect her. But she couldn't help it. She needed to know.
"At ease. Sit down, Ensign," Harm only said after a few tense seconds. It was obvious he was trying to rid his voice of any reproach.
"Very well, sir, ma'am," Golden said smugly. "'Yes' or 'no' will do until I tell you otherwise. Let's make this simple: I'll limit myself to five questions. Then we'll see where we stand. So, question number one: do you agree that all the answers you've asked for so far would have been things that an experienced lawyer like you would never forget in the course of less than a year?"
Her pulse rate had to have at least doubled. Golden was following the right track. 'God, help me pull through,' Sarah implored silently. "Yes," she said aloud, her voice devoid of any emotions.
"Number two: am I right to assume that you normally don't ask your former clients such questions, ma'am?"
"Yes, you're right," Sarah retorted defiantly. If she was bound to go down with this ship, she'd do it with her head uplifted.
Golden seemed to enjoy himself immensely, seeing he was headed in the right direction. "So, judging from the course this conversation has taken, your attitude regarding this point has changed since New Year?"
"Yes," Sarah said as curtly as possible.
"To be more precise: did your change of mind occur after the Arizona shooting?"
"Yes." Sarah thought her answer sounded as if it had been recorded on tape and was now being reproduced over and over again.
"Last one: to be frank, Colonel, I hear you were gravely injured. Did your injuries cause you amnesia?"
"Yes, they did," Sarah answered icily, having accepted failure and praying the outcome would justify the means in the end. "All right, I humiliated myself. You got your revenge. Go ahead. Enjoy it. But now I want details."
His gaze falsely apologetic once more, Golden shook his head. "I'm sorry for you, ma'am... but I never said I'd answer now. I only said we'd see. Still, I'll concede that we can move this on to phase two. You still game?"
'As much as I could ever be, masochist that I apparently am,' Sarah silently scolded herself, giving just another "Yes." and waiting for the next question.
However, they were in for another surprise. Golden turned to Harm. "Fine. Commander, you'll answer me now, right? I'm sure you'll want to help your favorite former colleague to regain all the nice memories she must have of you," he sneered.
"All right, enough," Harm snapped, getting up again and turning to Sarah. "Come on, Mac. Let's go. This is of no use."
She didn't know how to react. She felt just how painful this had to be for him but cruel as it was, Golden was her last straw. She couldn't let it go. 'Harm, please...' she silently begged, her gaze glued to his.
"Interesting," Golden remarked, observing their silent conversation. "Tell me, ma'am, are we fraternizing a little? Oh, sorry, now you're on the safe side, of course. Anyway, I suspected as much when I saw you face to face during the trial. I might just drop a hint to someone important about conduct unbecoming..." Letting his voice trail off and insinuating the consequences, he turned to Harm. "In denial, Commander? How come? With such a beautiful woman as her?"
"You're having delusions, Ensign. Besides, my friendship with the colonel has absolutely nothing to do with what we're here for. We're willing to follow your outrageous game here, because any information you might have could be important. So, don't waste our time." Harm's answer had come out just a little more passionate than he'd probably planned.
"Oh, I think it has everything to do with the case, Commander," Golden drawled, obviously doing a mental happy dance that he had the prosecution's fair hero on a short leash. "If you ask me," he leaned back on his chair and fixed the ceiling in a mock gesture of contemplating a philosophical issue, "Out there, in Arizona, your... 'friend' knew she was close to dying and the heartache of leaving you behind with matters still unresolved between you two was too much. So her memory just hotwired."
Sarah was already regretting bitterly that she had insisted they stay. Seeing Harm's pained expression and somehow feeling keenly what was going on inside him, she reproached herself for exposing him so cruelly. She only hoped he'd ever be able to forgive her.
"Maybe," was all Harm said, his face seeming to be carved in marble.
Golden's eyebrows went up. "Did you really answer me? You're actually doing this, Commander? For her? Amazing. What do you think you'll achieve with this? Win her heart?"
"Get the information she needs," Harm ground out.
Golden frowned. "Awww, sir, you should know me better than that. I don't buy it. You have to know, I can judge that normally you'd already have kicked my butt to the moon instead of putting up with my game. That you're so compliant can mean only one thing: you consider the colonel more important than anything else. We don't get many heart-warming stories in here. So, here's my offer: let me have yours, 'the whole truth and nothing but the truth', of course... and I'll answer whatever you ask. Fair deal, I'd say. Up to you, sir." Smirking broadly, Golden leaned back again and crossed his arms in front of his chest, waiting.
Gray dots were dancing in front of Sarah's eyes and she had to keep reminding herself not to hyperventilate. Just how horrible could this get? Golden was offering to supply the information she longed for and needed desperately to maybe finally come back to herself again - at the price of forcing Harm to confess something he apparently hadn't even told his own mother, let alone her, whom it might concern the most. All of a sudden, Sarah was disgusted about herself. Who was she to force the best and most loyal friend she'd probably ever had - the man she loved - into letting himself torture just for a few facts she might need?
"Harm," she quickly addressed him, unconsciously laying her hand on his forearm, "Don't let him do this to you. Let's just go. It's not that important anyway."
"It is to me," he replied, surprising her as well as Golden who had apparently counted on a little more resistance.
"Is it?" Golden asked, grinning maliciously. "Then spill it... sir."
Harm's face was all marble again. Staring in Golden's direction, his voice was monotone and low when he made what Sarah recognized as probably the most intimate confession of his entire life. "All right, Golden. Have it your way. Quid pro quo. Yes, you're right. I'm doing this for her. I want her to come back to her true self again, more than anything. And you're right, too, if you're suspecting that I'm also doing this for myself. Sarah Mackenzie is the most important person in my life and I can't imagine it without her. Before all this happened, she was the one who made me want to excel in whatever I was doing. She was the one whom I used to share every happy moment with, and she was whom I'd turn to whenever I needed support. Now, all I can ever think of is getting her back and keeping her in my life for good. And I'll do whatever it takes to get there. Was that enough to satisfy you?" he asked just a little defiantly.
"Definitely." Golden seemed to savor the word as it was slowly rolling off his tongue, observing both of them closely.
Sarah suspected he could see just how close she was to crying - from joy because although Harm hadn't said it expressly, she had recognized his words as a declaration of love. And from despair - because he had all but said it openly that he didn't consider her the woman he loved anymore. Now she knew that not only her personality depended on retrieving her memory. Her whole future happiness, her life together with Harm was hanging on that one thread of hope.
"Good," Harm said, his emotional exhaustion evident in his voice. He didn't even seem to try to conceal it. "I've fulfilled my part of the deal. Now it's your turn, Ensign."
An achingly long moment passed before Golden spoke up again. "No," he said calmly, still smiling. "I don't need your offer anymore, sir. Why should I even consider turning State's evidence against my former partners? I'd have done it to have a bit of a vendetta because they screwed up my nice revenge plans in the first place. But... what they did accomplish is just so much better. I might even feel inclined to think of a gesture of gratitude towards them..." He stood. "If you'll please tell the guards to take me back to my cell, ma'am, sir?"
For a few seconds, Harm didn't even budge. He had paled and beads of perspiration were visible on his forehead. Then he slowly got up - a broken image of the man Sarah had come to know as Harmon Rabb, Jr. The man who had done the one thing he feared most, who had finally opened up and had laid his heart on the table in front of someone so utterly undeserving. He had bared his soul to someone he despised, for the sole purpose of helping her, and he had been pushed back into the dirt instead of achieving what he had made this enormous sacrifice for. He was standing motionless, unflinching, but to Sarah's eyes, it was as evident as anything that Harm was devastated and hurting tremendously.
This was her breaking point. Wondering for a fleeting moment if this was a remainder of Mac resurfacing, she suddenly sprung to her feet and violently punched the startled Golden in the face, making him topple to the ground. She stood over him for a moment, panting, willing herself not to kick his defenseless form. "Harm, I think we need a medic," she whispered shakily. "Self defense," she only added, knowing that from her point of view, it was the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help her God.
To be continued... (Feedback very much appreciated!)