DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything from the Naruto or Harry Potter universe. I'd be so damn rich if I did!

Thinking (+ flashbacks, etc.)

Emphasis

Bijuu, etc. speaking

Bijuu, etc. thinking

She was dead.

Yep, that had to be it. For a moment she'd been dead with her suddenly quiet but lunatic teammate again: Sasuke, not Sai - who had his own, far lesser brand of idiocy - and boy was she mad at him. Her reincarnate psychic/psycho or otherwise-brother figure had taken almost all of Kurama's chakra from her, and Kami! My arm still... "Nnnnrgh," she winced in pain, scolding herself for not taking it like a man: stupid Sasuke's Chidori to the chest had certainly been more painful than this when she was a child! "Wh - Who the hell are you?!"

A super old dude that was coming into focus did something to her throat. She coughed but found that whatever he'd done didn't hurt. The others she was just noticing in the room put sticks to their own throats. "I asked, who fucking are you?!"

"Language, young lady," some creepy-looking old dude in black said menacingly. His lips weren't quite matching up with his words, though.

Weird. Wake up, Naruto! She closed her eyes and shook her head, making her dirty hair smack her in the face.

"Is that a stick?! Holy," Naruto yelled: her arm was gone! "Sasuke, you bastard!" She appreciated the nun who was trying to stop the bleeding, but "where the hell is Sakura? Fucking balls!" She scowled at the old god who was trying not to laugh at her.

A god, she realized as her head continued to pound. Well now. This was awkward.

"Yo, Kami-sama," she began, trying to be properly respectful. The old guy was obviously Kami: she'd definitely never seen anyone so old, glamorous, or well-dressed before, not even the Floating Sage of Six Paths. "Shouldn't you stop this bleeding or something? I thought my parents would be here in the Pure Lands, too. Goddammit… Hehe, sorry, sorry." Naruto didn't see the way the geezers around her had all looked at each other worriedly as she looked down at her hand. "C'mon, Kurama! Heal dis... shitth," she slurred. She pushed her head back into the abnormally fluffy pillow and groaned.

The next time she woke up, Naruto was still in the same room - which smelled like antiseptic and bleach - and Kami was still there. Her arm was bandaged up, but the bandages still had a bit of blood on them. "Can I please have my arm back, Kami-sama? And can you do something about the smell?"

"You're Japanese?"

"You're Japanese," Naruto snarked under her breath, not knowing what that was, but sudden clarity hit her. "Oh, gods! I'm in the genjutsu, aren't I? Mother ffff... How do I... Wait! Did someone put chakra through a stick earlier? That means Yamato-taicho is here! People were looking for him!" Her eyes darted around the room, searching for both Yamato and/or negative chakra signatures. "Or is this the Tsukiyomi? Kai!"

Dumbledore's hair and beard blew back from the amount of magic the young woman had just dispelled from her body... There was something ancient about it. His quick mind worked through what she'd said and what he'd read about once, long ago. "Chakra..." The foul-mouthed young woman was already quickly ranting to him, her God, some kind of sauce, and a person named Kurama.

After listening to her for a short time, it seemed likely that she believed she was dead. What a boisterous young woman. Truly, it was comforting and almost unheard of for her to be so energetic after losing so much blood and a limb.

"My dear girl," he said, lifting his hands in a gesture of goodwill. The girl watched his hands as if he would attack. "I mean you no harm, and you are very much alive."

"So this is the Tsukiyomi... You're not exactly what I thought I'd be dreaming about Kami-sama," Naruto replied, closing her eyes to better get her wits about her. Kurama was sleeping, lacking the majority of his chakra - or maybe she was just dreaming that he was still with her at all. That must be it: she couldn't feel any of her comrades that were in those pods, or Kakashi-sensei, or Sakura-chan, or Teme.

She was also still loopy from blood loss or maybe something she'd been hit with. That sucks: from what Obito used to say back when he was evil, this illusion was supposed to make all her dreams come true or something of that nature. She knew it was too good and too gross (considering that it completely ate everyone's chakra) to be for real! "There's an evil in that guy over there," she whispered as she looked up to glare at the corner.

Dumbledore chuckled, and Snape appeared from behind his transfiguration. "I am not evil, and this is not funny, Headmaster."

"I didn't say you were evil, dipshit; you've just got some kind of evil corrupting you." The goth man grabbed his arm rather obviously and Naruto nodded once at him. "So you're aware of it."

"Albus," a woman's voice rang out. Naruto was impressed by the way she'd been henged as a cat. She didn't like cats, though, but the old broad "felt" all right. (Aside from the way she still felt a little like Tora.) The lady had a wrinkly, severe expression and had to be as old as the Sandaime when he was alive. The blonde pouted, saddened by her thoughts of her grandfather figure being reanimated. She was SO glad that he'd helped them, just like her father did - whaa - but felt bad for his spirit having to be revived like that.

At least the Hokages were no longer inside the Shinigami's belly. She idly wondered what they'd been doing in there.

"So. You look like you're wise, Kami-sama, er- Headmaster-sama, Albus-sama?" Weird name for a God. "How would you suggest I get out of this situation?" Naruto asked in poorly faked cheer. She glared at the others that came out of their hiding spots who were now chuckling at her. "Is... Can I see Ero-sennin?"

The super old woman scoffed, and Naruto chastised herself. She was only human, though, no matter what other people thought of her and Kurama. She couldn't help but want to see her mentor again after everything that had happened.

He'd be so disappointed in me, though... Kami cleared his throat and Naruto looked up at him. The old woman was still complaining about "perverts." Naruto could understand that.

"May I ask how old you are?"

"Sure. 16: today's my birthday, I think. At least it was," she answered, wondering how long she'd been knocked out. She involuntarily tried to scratch her chin as she considered it but winced at the pain it caused her mostly absent arm.

"My goodness," a woman with a remarkable earth affinity said in what sounded like horror. "How in the world did you get to this state?" she asked, gesturing toward Naruto's stump.

Naruto finally REALLY looked at it and winced. She felt a subtle change in her surroundings and wondered if she was in a genjutsu again. Maybe an even super-er genjutsu? She didn't care for some reason. Odd: it must be the effects of the Tsukiyomi. "My team and I battled Kaguya, the rabbit goddess, and won." The old lady in the glasses jerked back in surprise and doubt, while the temperature cooled. Kami and the guy with the evil arm were making things colder, and Naruto could understand why. "Then, my idiot teammate, the bastard, wanted to kill all the Kage while they were in their pods, and I was not going to allow that," she said before sighing in despair and trying to shake the chill off. "Then he imprisoned the bijuu... I can still feel a little of them inside of me, but I really failed."

Why am I talking so much again? Naruto wondered. She should really be warier about revealing any of this. Everyone was in the Tsukiyomi with her, though, she figured, so what was the reason to be silent? Maybe by revealing some information, she could get some in return? Not as in a trade, but as in sneakiness… Keep your wits about you, Naruto. Don't tell them...

"What is your name, child?"

"Naruto," Naruto admitted, despite herself. "Uzumaki Naruto - and I'm not a child, Kami-sama."

Albus nodded, stunned by what the girl had just said. Frankly, he thought she was at least a decade older, but perhaps that was because of the ancient magic within her.

Snape scoffed. "Albus, surely you cannot believe this nonsen-"

"I have ensured that she is telling the truth, Severus, and the knowledge she possesses is quite restricted," he assured his colleague. Minerva had had to be informed of Kaguya because she was Deputy Headmistress. From Severus' reaction, he apparently had heard of Kaguya, which frighteningly meant that the Dark Lord may know of her, as well.

The only other person that would have possibly known of Kaguya may have been Nicholas Flamel, but that wizard had recently passed.

Naruto wanted to summon Gamakichi, but how was she supposed to do that with only one arm? "I'm going to have to learn how to do one-handed signs." It had to be possible; Haku had done it in that ice-dome, not that she quite realized how incredible that was at the time.

"I may have a solution to that, my dear, but for now, sleep."

Kami raised a stick over her head, and Naruto knew it was wrong to allow it in this genjutsu, but she complied easily anyway. She really was so very tired.