A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Bermuda:
Chapter one:
Introductions.
(with author's notes at the bottom)
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The day was bright and clear, no sign of a storm, and all was nearly well with the world. Of course all couldn't be completely well with the world, because that would mean everyone was getting along with everyone else; and without the thrill of fear that comes from hearing pirates are in the area, life in the Caribbean could be pretty damn boring.
The lack of resort hotels most likely contributed to this boredom, as well as the distinct shortage of large quantities of rum. Well, there was always plenty of rum, but when the going got tough in the Caribbean, the tough got really, really drunk. And times were really tough for your average working-class Joe. Anyway, back to the pirates, since that's what y'all came to hear about in the first place.
At the same time that Captain Jack Sparrow was sailing the Pearl out of Port Royal and Will and Elizabeth were playing kissy-face, a new threat loomed on the horizon. More specifically, the threat was headed towards Port Royal from Tortuga, which had been left in disorder and chaos. …well, moreso than usual at any rate. Tortuga had been a victim of a whirlwind of violence and excessive partying, or a sort never before seen in that part of the Caribbean.
Rumors at that point in history traveled much faster than any ship, and so the inhabitants of Port Royal shortly learned that an as yet unknown pirate vessel was on its way to their sunny town. Rumor also had it Governor Swann had taken the news rather badly (after all, he was more stressed than usual with the elopement of his daughter) and was locked in his rooms, crying.
Commodore Norrington was of course presented with the news in a timely and expedient manner, and his first reaction was to grumble "Bollocks!" in a rather hungover tone of voice, and send the footman to find his pocketbook so he could pay Giselle the Hooker for her time.
"Stupid bloody pirates…what do we know about the ship, Lievtenant?"
"They say she's captained by a woman, sir, though I'm inclined to dismiss it as malarkey, sir."
"A female pirate," Norrington winced at the afternoon sunlight shining through the windows. "That is by far the most absurd thing I have ever heard of." He then began looking around for a cold compress and perhaps some headache medicine.
"Well, that's what they say, sir." The Lievtenant was getting rather unnerved at this point.
"Look, are you sure it's not- I don't know, Jack Sparrow in a dress or something?" Norrington snapped. "Giselle? Have you seen my wig, I can't find it- Giselle?!"
"I 'ave not seen it, monsieur." She said calmly and closed the curtains as the Commodore was unfortunately rather photophobic due to his hangover. "eet could be Annamaria, zo."
"I-what? My wig is not named Annamaria. Ugh, Lievtenant, please fetch me some coffee."
"Right away sir," said the Lievtenant, and fled.
"No, Annamaria ze pirate, monsieur. She ees razzer well-known in Tortuga, but she 'as not 'ad a ship for some time."
"Well, it's a start at least."
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Meanwhile on a rather sad-looking deserted island a man was starving to death. It was rather disconcerting to him that he has been starving for ten years and was only now going to die of it. Sometimes he would mutter under his breath how he was going to kill that Rat Bastard Barbossa now the curse was lifted. Still, it seemed far more likely that he would die of starvation long before that happened. And he didn't even have a pistol. Indeed, despite the fact that the island lay between Tortuga and Port Royal, it never received any traffic as it did not intersect any standard shipping routes and had nothing on it of any value. At one point before he passed out from delirium he had tried to calculate the odds of his getting picked up by a passing ship that was unfamiliar with the region and then not getting hanged for piracy before he starved to death. He figured it was nearly impossible, or extremely improbable. Fortunately for the castaway it was going to be a Ford Prefect sort of day.
The ship was approaching a small, ugly island, which didn't look very promising. However the captain was in a sightseeing mood and they passed close enough that a certain hungry pirate on said island saw the ship, and subsequently mustered enough energy to jump about and wave a lot of shiny metal objects in the sun. And then of course he collapsed.
"Seems there's someone on the island, captain," the first mate observed. "Oh not wait, he's fallen down. Shame, that. And he has such shiny weapons, too. Looked like a pirate." The captain drummed her fingers on the railing, silently considering her options. She needed more crew members, and ones who wouldn't ask too many questions. A castaway in her debt could be useful.
"Tim!" she finally said, snapping her fingers. Tim obligingly appeared. "Go fetch our castaway back to the ship, will you? And take Lievtenant Thom with you."
"Aye, ma'am." Tim nodded curtly, making a sort of clicking noise as he did so.
Tim and Thom set off in one of the rowboats. It took a fair amount of dragging to get the man into the boat, despite his emaciated appearance.
"What shall we name him, my friend?" said the captain to the first mate. She in turn lifted the hood from her head, and peered at the approaching man. Her gaze was deep and inscrutable, and seemed to look into the man's very soul. And then she spoke.
"How about Poor Shoeless Bastard, cap'n?"
"Sounds splendid!"
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Meanwhile (again), Captain Jack Sparrow was busy sailing to Tortuga. Of course he didn't know that the island had been ransacked. It's not like he had a magical talking hat or anything. That's just absurd. Noooo. Not at all possible. At any rate he was not aware of the current state of his destination, and so was whistling a happy tune. A happy tune which was NOT, in fact, "Yo ho, A pirate's life for me." This fact led the crew to believe that Jack was more insane than usual today. Or maybe it was the lack of rum. ..and, gentle reader, if you're wondering why exactly the lack of rum keeps coming up, it's because that due to decreased piracy, the British navy had turned it's eye towards the rumrunners that infested the area. And so now there were very few rumrunners, and rum prices had gone up dramatically. Really, really super dramatically. Which is funny, considering that this is the Caribbean we're talking about, and there's plenty of rum to be had, or made, for god's sake, and this plot point is just getting silly, so let's just say that our alcoholic friend Norrington had stockpiled all the rum in Port Royal for himself, eh? Good.
"I spy, with mylittleeye…" Jack slurred, looking through his spyglass at a nearby island. "…something beginning wiiiith….S."
"Ship, mayhaps?" said Annamaria, rolling her eyes. Jack smiled at her.
"Why yes, however did you guess, my dear?"
"Your spyglass is broken. The ship's right over there." She pointed to said ship, which was really not all that far away. At all.
"Well! Righto! Let's go take it, eh? I still owe you a ship after all."
"Damn right you do, Sparrow." Annamaria muttered.
"CAPTAIN Sparrow! Everyone always forgets that!"
"Only when it's convenient to the humor of the plot." Mr. Cotton's parrot chirped. Those in earshot turned towards the parrot, wondering at its foresight. And also its breaking of the fourth wall.
"er..Shiver me timbers!" the parrot replied, hoping to cover its slip. And it did. And the Pearl swiftly made its approach towards the other ship. The crew of the other ship didn't notice, as they were too busy bringing aboard a certain unconscious castaway and going through his pockets. So, with tension mounting in the viewing (reading?) audience, a collision course with disaster was begun. And then Galadriel swooped down out of the trees and-wait, wrong story. Sorry bout that.
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Notes: August here, talking about my fic: I do not in any way own Pirates of the Caribbean or its characters. Just borrowing them for a bit of fun. I don't even own the Lievtenant in the first scene, though we'll se more of him eventually. What I do own, to some extent, is the as-yet-unnamed ship and its crew. Especially Tim. I own Tim, though I may pimp him out to interested parties.
This story is odd. Just FYI. There will be humor, there will be romance of both het and slash varieties, there will be action and blood and a wedding. And maybe, MAYBE Jack the Monkey, but don't get your hopes up or anything. And I certainly hope you all can assume who Poor Shoeless Bastard is, but he'll tell us all about his adventures in the next chapter. Also: shout-out to CryingChild for her awesome parody fic, Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of Red Bull. It rawks, and no infringement is meant by my mention of the talking hat. ^_^.
I loff reviews, if you review my story I'll give you candy! ..well, maybe. But I will love you forever, so review. Even if you flame me. Ooh, that's another thing, there's obviously Original Characters in this fic, but I'm trying to keep them as un-Mary Sue as possible. So if I ever start slipping into Suedom, someone please tell me so I can correct the problem. I mean it. So review!