Celebrity Deathmatch
Squaresoft Series Episode 2
Johnny: Welcome to the second part of the Celebrity Deathmatch
Squaresoft Series. I'm Johnny Gomez.
Nick: And I'm Nick Diamond. And boy do we have a lineup for you
tonight!
Johnny: Yes, we do have quite a lineup. And if I'm not mistaken,
we have quite a large final match.
Nick: Let's get through the other two matches, first. Our first
match is a cross-game battle. The legendary Gear pilot, Fei, was
recently challenged to a fight by our old buddy Garland. It's a clash
between two totally different worlds!
Johnny: Fight Two involves two of the best fighters that
Squaresoft came up with. Celebrity Deathmatch has joined forces with
the Ehrgeiz Tournament in order to produce an epic battle between
Vincent Valentine and Irvine Kinneas. It's the battle of the
sharpshooters, and only one can be rewarded with the Champion Sniper
award! Don't miss out!
Nick: Our main event features the baddest of the bad. We're
pitting the main enemies of Final Fantasy VII, VIII, and IX against
each other in a Triple Threat match! It's Sephiroth, Ultimecia, and
Kuja in a match so dangerous that we need an NYPD officer to ref this
match! Watch and wait, because we're not telling you who the referee
is!
Johnny: Well, it looks like the first match is about to get
underway. Let's go to the ring.
Mills: In the red corner, we have the legendary pilot of
Xenogears, Fei!
Fei: .It is time to avenge the deaths of my friends.
Mills: And in the blue corner, we have the leader of Terra
and the Destroyer of Worlds, Garland!
Garland: The people of Terra are counting on me to defeat you, Fei.
Mills: Now, each of you can use any type of move that you
want, except using Xenogears or the Invincible. Now let's get it on!
Fei: Go ahead and make your move, Garland.
Garland: Very well, young fool. You shall perish! Thundaga!
Fei: (recovering from mild shock) That was a pretty powerful
attack for an old man. Now it's my turn! (Fei goes into a Fukei combo)
Garland: (limping after a powerful blow to his right leg) I must
admit, you are about as strong as Kuja. I am very impressed.
Kuja: No, Garland. I'm stronger!
Fei: Just shut up, old man! Time to finish you off! Big Bang!
Garland: (dies from a massive blow to his head)
Fei: Perhaps you'll learn to respect life through your own
death, Garland.
Zidane: Way to go, Fei!
Kuja: Thanks for doing me a favor, Fei. I'll let you keep your
life.
Fei: Thanks, you two.
Mills: Congratulations, Fei. I couldn't even stand that old
man.
Fei: Thanks, Mills. I'd better get going now. Xenogears
probably wants some company. Take care!
Johnny: Well that was short and interesting.
Nick: Yes it was, Johnny. Now for our. what the *&^$? A whole
bunch of feds just busted in here! Any idea what they're doing here?
Johnny: Considering what happened a few years back, they've
probably traced bin Laden's satellite phone signal to the Deathmatch
arena. And I think he's sitting in the first row!
Nick: Now that's a fitting end for him!
Johnny: That's right, Nick. How's that for getting a taste of your
own terrorist tactics?
Nick: Pretty good, Johnny. Now for our second match.
Mills: In the red corner, wearing the dark maroon cloak and
carrying the legendary Death Penalty, Vincent Valentine!
Vincent: ...
Mills: Uhhh... okay... Well, in the blue corner, wearing a
classic tan coat and carrying the Exeter rifle, Irvine Kinneas!
Irvine: This one's for you, Sefie!
Selphie: Go Irvie!!!
Squall: ... (why am I babysitting her?)
Mills: Alright, I want a good clean fight. No back shots and
no instant kills, 'cause they make things go TOO quick. Let's see some
blood! Now let's get it on!
Vincent: Alright, Irvine. Are you ready for the eternal sleep?
(aims the Death Penalty at Irvine's shoulder)
Irvine: Go ahead and try to stop me! (shoots at Vincent's hands,
forcing him to drop the Death Penalty)
Vincent: (leans down and picks up his gun) Okay, so you're at least an
AVERAGE shot, but let's see if you can handle the pressure!
Irvine: What pressure are you talking about?
Vincent: I dare you to shoot me right through my heart!
Irvine: (flashes back to the Deling City assassination attempt and
begins to tremble)
Vincent: What's wrong, "Irvie"?
Irvine: I... I... can't do it...
Vincent: And that's what makes you weak. Now it's time to make you
pay for your weakness!!! (shoots Irvine in his arms and legs)
Irvine: (falls to the ground, all but dead) Go ahead and finish me
off...
Vincent: If you so desire... (shoots Irvine in the head) Now, find
your peace...
Mills: The winner, Vincent Valentine!!! (hands Vincent the
Champion Sniper trophy)
Vincent: Thank you, Mills. (jumps out of the arena)
Johnny: We have to stop booking these quick fights, Nick.
Nick: Yeah, tell me about it. But at least this last one's gonna be
the longest! Let's go over to Stone Cold Steve Austin for the details!
Stone Cold: Alright, you Deathmatch fans, we have a nice little treat
for you! A three-way match between the badasses of Final Fantasy 7, 8
and 9. That's right, Sephiroth, Ultimecia and Kuja in one massive
fight to the death! And for the pre-match stack-up. Johnny?
Johnny: I believe Sephiroth's reputation proceeds him, so we won't
go into describing him. So, on to Ultimecia. She's the most powerful
of all Sorceresses, capable of disrupting time and space to her will.
Her chosen GF is Griever, which, ironically, is the name of the lion
on Squall's ring! Go figure!
Nick: And now for Kuja. The second-strongest of Terra's Genome
population, he broke away from Garland when he found out about his
short lifespan. He has the ability to destroy almost anything he comes
into contact with, and he now has the power of the Trance at his
disposal. He'll provide a nice little challenge for the other two! Now
onto Stacey Cornbread, who's standing by at the Deathmatch Time
Machine.
Stacey: I'm here with the mighty Sephiroth, who we've just brought
into this time because the Sephiroth from our time got killed in the
last episode. How do you plan to defeat these two powerful opponents?
They seem like they'll prove to give you quite a challenge.
Sephiroth: Yeah, I'll give 'em that much, Stacey. But Kuja's just a
little girly boy, and Ultimecia... well... I don't know enough about
her to truly judge her abilities. But I believe I'll pull through
this.
Stacey: Well said, Sephiroth. Good luck in the fight!
Sephiroth: Thanks. (walks over to the arena as Kuja and Ultimecia do
the same)
Mills: In Corner #1, brandishing his famous Masamune, we have
Sephiroth!
Sephiroth: I will be victorious...
Mills: In Corner #2, brandishing her own magical powers, the
great Sorceress Ultimecia!
Ultimecia: I am warning you all, when I am viktorious, time
kompression will take place.
Mills: And finally, in Corner #3, the second most powerful Terran
Genome, Kuja!
Kuja: Finally! I am given the opportunity to prove my supremacy over
that old fool Garland!
Mills: Alright, guys. Here's where I bow out and let the guest
referee take over. And if you kill the guest referee, there're a bunch
of laser turrets above to kill all of you guys! Now, bring in the ref!
(An NYPD officer walks in, wearing a Kevlar vest and carrying two high-
power pistols)
Mills: Introducing Officer Aya Brea, the NYPD officer responsible
for pulling New York City out of the "Eve" incident!
Aya: So I have to keep these three guys from fighting dirty? Don't
worry... I'll keep 'em under control. (begins charging her Parasite
Energy - just in case) Alright, guys! FIGHT!
Sephiroth: The girly boy is mine! (slashes Kuja's tail right off)
Kuja: No one calls me a girly boy and gets away with it! (enters
Trance and casts Ultima on both his opponents)
Ultimecia: This Kuja fellow is quite the annoyance... I suggest that
we kombine our powers to render him helpless, Sephiroth.
Sephiroth: Agreed. I shall render his spells useless! (casts Silence
on Kuja)
Ultimecia: Now, to put the icing on the kake. Griever, I summon thee!
(the GF Griever appears and wreaks havoc on Kuja by casting Shadow
Flare on him)
Kuja: It appears I could not become stronger than you, Garland. (dies)
Sephiroth: Thank Jenova we don't have to deal with the girly boy
anymore. But I believe our agreement has ended now! (goes to slash
Ultimecia in half, but is stopped short as Ultimecia casts Protect)
Ultimecia: It will take more than swordsmanship to kut me down,
foolish one. (prepares to call Griever once more)
Sephiroth: Not so fast, Ultimecia! (pulls out the Seal materia)
Silence!
(Ultimecia loses her connection with Griever)
Sephiroth: Now for the Destruct materia! DeBarrier!
(Ultimecia's Protect barrier is destroyed)
Sephiroth: And now for the final act! Shadow Flare!
Ultimecia: (takes full force of the attack) It appears time
kompression will not take place after all. (dies)
Aya: The winner is Sephiroth!
Sephiroth: This was a rather challenging fight, but I have honored my
word and pulled through. Now Jenova will become stronger!
Aya: Not likely, idiot. Liberate!!! (Sephiroth is hit with every bit
of Parasite Energy that Aya had stored up to that point in time)
Sephiroth: I have failed you, mother... (dies)
Aya: That was nowhere near as challenging as Eve was. (walks out of
the arena)
Mills: What was that for, Aya?
Aya: He was out to subdue the planet, right? Let's just say the
planet just subdued him through me. (continues to walk out)
Mills: Right... (is now completely confused)
Johnny: Well, that match WAS longer than the others, but that end
left me thinking.
Nick: What about?
Johnny: That Aya Brea... what's her agenda?
Nick: Well, if you remember history, the whole Eve Incident really
changed her. Now she's about as powerful as Cloud or Squall, thanks to
her own mitochondria.
Johnny: But there's something eating at her. Like she's trying to
hunt something down...
Nick: Whatever. Who knows, though. Maybe she'll show up again!
Johnny: Probably. Anyway, I'm Johnny Gomez.
Nick: And I'm Nick Diamond, saying...
Both: Good fight, good night!
This episode was created by BassDelux
Look for Episode 3 in about one month or so! Who knows, maybe it'll
reveal what's been eating at Aya!
Squaresoft Series Episode 2
Johnny: Welcome to the second part of the Celebrity Deathmatch
Squaresoft Series. I'm Johnny Gomez.
Nick: And I'm Nick Diamond. And boy do we have a lineup for you
tonight!
Johnny: Yes, we do have quite a lineup. And if I'm not mistaken,
we have quite a large final match.
Nick: Let's get through the other two matches, first. Our first
match is a cross-game battle. The legendary Gear pilot, Fei, was
recently challenged to a fight by our old buddy Garland. It's a clash
between two totally different worlds!
Johnny: Fight Two involves two of the best fighters that
Squaresoft came up with. Celebrity Deathmatch has joined forces with
the Ehrgeiz Tournament in order to produce an epic battle between
Vincent Valentine and Irvine Kinneas. It's the battle of the
sharpshooters, and only one can be rewarded with the Champion Sniper
award! Don't miss out!
Nick: Our main event features the baddest of the bad. We're
pitting the main enemies of Final Fantasy VII, VIII, and IX against
each other in a Triple Threat match! It's Sephiroth, Ultimecia, and
Kuja in a match so dangerous that we need an NYPD officer to ref this
match! Watch and wait, because we're not telling you who the referee
is!
Johnny: Well, it looks like the first match is about to get
underway. Let's go to the ring.
Mills: In the red corner, we have the legendary pilot of
Xenogears, Fei!
Fei: .It is time to avenge the deaths of my friends.
Mills: And in the blue corner, we have the leader of Terra
and the Destroyer of Worlds, Garland!
Garland: The people of Terra are counting on me to defeat you, Fei.
Mills: Now, each of you can use any type of move that you
want, except using Xenogears or the Invincible. Now let's get it on!
Fei: Go ahead and make your move, Garland.
Garland: Very well, young fool. You shall perish! Thundaga!
Fei: (recovering from mild shock) That was a pretty powerful
attack for an old man. Now it's my turn! (Fei goes into a Fukei combo)
Garland: (limping after a powerful blow to his right leg) I must
admit, you are about as strong as Kuja. I am very impressed.
Kuja: No, Garland. I'm stronger!
Fei: Just shut up, old man! Time to finish you off! Big Bang!
Garland: (dies from a massive blow to his head)
Fei: Perhaps you'll learn to respect life through your own
death, Garland.
Zidane: Way to go, Fei!
Kuja: Thanks for doing me a favor, Fei. I'll let you keep your
life.
Fei: Thanks, you two.
Mills: Congratulations, Fei. I couldn't even stand that old
man.
Fei: Thanks, Mills. I'd better get going now. Xenogears
probably wants some company. Take care!
Johnny: Well that was short and interesting.
Nick: Yes it was, Johnny. Now for our. what the *&^$? A whole
bunch of feds just busted in here! Any idea what they're doing here?
Johnny: Considering what happened a few years back, they've
probably traced bin Laden's satellite phone signal to the Deathmatch
arena. And I think he's sitting in the first row!
Nick: Now that's a fitting end for him!
Johnny: That's right, Nick. How's that for getting a taste of your
own terrorist tactics?
Nick: Pretty good, Johnny. Now for our second match.
Mills: In the red corner, wearing the dark maroon cloak and
carrying the legendary Death Penalty, Vincent Valentine!
Vincent: ...
Mills: Uhhh... okay... Well, in the blue corner, wearing a
classic tan coat and carrying the Exeter rifle, Irvine Kinneas!
Irvine: This one's for you, Sefie!
Selphie: Go Irvie!!!
Squall: ... (why am I babysitting her?)
Mills: Alright, I want a good clean fight. No back shots and
no instant kills, 'cause they make things go TOO quick. Let's see some
blood! Now let's get it on!
Vincent: Alright, Irvine. Are you ready for the eternal sleep?
(aims the Death Penalty at Irvine's shoulder)
Irvine: Go ahead and try to stop me! (shoots at Vincent's hands,
forcing him to drop the Death Penalty)
Vincent: (leans down and picks up his gun) Okay, so you're at least an
AVERAGE shot, but let's see if you can handle the pressure!
Irvine: What pressure are you talking about?
Vincent: I dare you to shoot me right through my heart!
Irvine: (flashes back to the Deling City assassination attempt and
begins to tremble)
Vincent: What's wrong, "Irvie"?
Irvine: I... I... can't do it...
Vincent: And that's what makes you weak. Now it's time to make you
pay for your weakness!!! (shoots Irvine in his arms and legs)
Irvine: (falls to the ground, all but dead) Go ahead and finish me
off...
Vincent: If you so desire... (shoots Irvine in the head) Now, find
your peace...
Mills: The winner, Vincent Valentine!!! (hands Vincent the
Champion Sniper trophy)
Vincent: Thank you, Mills. (jumps out of the arena)
Johnny: We have to stop booking these quick fights, Nick.
Nick: Yeah, tell me about it. But at least this last one's gonna be
the longest! Let's go over to Stone Cold Steve Austin for the details!
Stone Cold: Alright, you Deathmatch fans, we have a nice little treat
for you! A three-way match between the badasses of Final Fantasy 7, 8
and 9. That's right, Sephiroth, Ultimecia and Kuja in one massive
fight to the death! And for the pre-match stack-up. Johnny?
Johnny: I believe Sephiroth's reputation proceeds him, so we won't
go into describing him. So, on to Ultimecia. She's the most powerful
of all Sorceresses, capable of disrupting time and space to her will.
Her chosen GF is Griever, which, ironically, is the name of the lion
on Squall's ring! Go figure!
Nick: And now for Kuja. The second-strongest of Terra's Genome
population, he broke away from Garland when he found out about his
short lifespan. He has the ability to destroy almost anything he comes
into contact with, and he now has the power of the Trance at his
disposal. He'll provide a nice little challenge for the other two! Now
onto Stacey Cornbread, who's standing by at the Deathmatch Time
Machine.
Stacey: I'm here with the mighty Sephiroth, who we've just brought
into this time because the Sephiroth from our time got killed in the
last episode. How do you plan to defeat these two powerful opponents?
They seem like they'll prove to give you quite a challenge.
Sephiroth: Yeah, I'll give 'em that much, Stacey. But Kuja's just a
little girly boy, and Ultimecia... well... I don't know enough about
her to truly judge her abilities. But I believe I'll pull through
this.
Stacey: Well said, Sephiroth. Good luck in the fight!
Sephiroth: Thanks. (walks over to the arena as Kuja and Ultimecia do
the same)
Mills: In Corner #1, brandishing his famous Masamune, we have
Sephiroth!
Sephiroth: I will be victorious...
Mills: In Corner #2, brandishing her own magical powers, the
great Sorceress Ultimecia!
Ultimecia: I am warning you all, when I am viktorious, time
kompression will take place.
Mills: And finally, in Corner #3, the second most powerful Terran
Genome, Kuja!
Kuja: Finally! I am given the opportunity to prove my supremacy over
that old fool Garland!
Mills: Alright, guys. Here's where I bow out and let the guest
referee take over. And if you kill the guest referee, there're a bunch
of laser turrets above to kill all of you guys! Now, bring in the ref!
(An NYPD officer walks in, wearing a Kevlar vest and carrying two high-
power pistols)
Mills: Introducing Officer Aya Brea, the NYPD officer responsible
for pulling New York City out of the "Eve" incident!
Aya: So I have to keep these three guys from fighting dirty? Don't
worry... I'll keep 'em under control. (begins charging her Parasite
Energy - just in case) Alright, guys! FIGHT!
Sephiroth: The girly boy is mine! (slashes Kuja's tail right off)
Kuja: No one calls me a girly boy and gets away with it! (enters
Trance and casts Ultima on both his opponents)
Ultimecia: This Kuja fellow is quite the annoyance... I suggest that
we kombine our powers to render him helpless, Sephiroth.
Sephiroth: Agreed. I shall render his spells useless! (casts Silence
on Kuja)
Ultimecia: Now, to put the icing on the kake. Griever, I summon thee!
(the GF Griever appears and wreaks havoc on Kuja by casting Shadow
Flare on him)
Kuja: It appears I could not become stronger than you, Garland. (dies)
Sephiroth: Thank Jenova we don't have to deal with the girly boy
anymore. But I believe our agreement has ended now! (goes to slash
Ultimecia in half, but is stopped short as Ultimecia casts Protect)
Ultimecia: It will take more than swordsmanship to kut me down,
foolish one. (prepares to call Griever once more)
Sephiroth: Not so fast, Ultimecia! (pulls out the Seal materia)
Silence!
(Ultimecia loses her connection with Griever)
Sephiroth: Now for the Destruct materia! DeBarrier!
(Ultimecia's Protect barrier is destroyed)
Sephiroth: And now for the final act! Shadow Flare!
Ultimecia: (takes full force of the attack) It appears time
kompression will not take place after all. (dies)
Aya: The winner is Sephiroth!
Sephiroth: This was a rather challenging fight, but I have honored my
word and pulled through. Now Jenova will become stronger!
Aya: Not likely, idiot. Liberate!!! (Sephiroth is hit with every bit
of Parasite Energy that Aya had stored up to that point in time)
Sephiroth: I have failed you, mother... (dies)
Aya: That was nowhere near as challenging as Eve was. (walks out of
the arena)
Mills: What was that for, Aya?
Aya: He was out to subdue the planet, right? Let's just say the
planet just subdued him through me. (continues to walk out)
Mills: Right... (is now completely confused)
Johnny: Well, that match WAS longer than the others, but that end
left me thinking.
Nick: What about?
Johnny: That Aya Brea... what's her agenda?
Nick: Well, if you remember history, the whole Eve Incident really
changed her. Now she's about as powerful as Cloud or Squall, thanks to
her own mitochondria.
Johnny: But there's something eating at her. Like she's trying to
hunt something down...
Nick: Whatever. Who knows, though. Maybe she'll show up again!
Johnny: Probably. Anyway, I'm Johnny Gomez.
Nick: And I'm Nick Diamond, saying...
Both: Good fight, good night!
This episode was created by BassDelux
Look for Episode 3 in about one month or so! Who knows, maybe it'll
reveal what's been eating at Aya!