Author's Note: Hey… well, I changed the beginning because I thought it was a little OOC. Read the new first part!
Disclaimer: All of the characters in Inu Yasha belong to Rumiko Takahashi.
~
Just A Little Misunderstanding
by remedios
To tell you the truth, I don't really remember the whole event. The only thing I mostly remember is their lip-lock, and how numb I felt when I laid my eyes upon it. How expectant it was, how totally predictable. To see him kissing another girl. Why had I not seen it coming?
I then remember seeing his eyes, his eyes with shock and shame. Trying desperately to explain himself, but failing because I was not listening anymore. All I could see was that kiss again. Just imagining the betrayal and disloyalty he gave to me made my head spin.
"Sango, you don't understand..!" He shouted, "It's not what you think!"
I looked back, my mind still blank, and pronounced simply, "I understand perfectly."
"Sango," he pleaded, "she was sent by her father to beg me to let her bear my child. I told her no --"
"And then you kissed her in apology?" I interrupted angrily, "How respecting of you."
He kept crying out excuses, but I was numb to any of his words of reason. The only thing I could think about was that kiss, that abuse of trust. I thought that after he asked me to bear his children, all of this flirtation with other girls would cease. How could I trick myself? How could I believe that this man would ever stop with his perverted habits?
I glanced over at him, his eyes still pleading for forgiveness. His face twisted up into a troubled expression, probably recognizing that no, there wasn't going to be any forgiveness. Not this time.
Finding the nerve to say something, I asked, "There will be more girls, right? More girls that you will fool around with behind my back? Even when I have your children? Defying me?" My eyes were digging holes into his, hoping to see a trace of the truth.
He shook his head quickly, "No, Sango..! I didn't defy you.. She came onto m --"
I interrupt him for the third time, saying simply, "You don't love me, do you?" Finally, the tears began to collect in my eyes. My strength was depleting.
His only reply was silence, an uneasy look on his face.
Never did he utter the words that I wanted to hear. The ones that would make everything okay. The ones that I've had dreams about him saying, but never in reality. These are the dreams that I hold onto most, hoping that someday they will be a reality, and I will be the happiest girl.
I broke off the silence and said, "I don't want to bear your children anymore, Houshi-sama."
I run in the other direction, deciding I can't take it anymore. I hear him calling after my name, even following me for a short distance. My strength has started to slip, and if anyone sees it my pride and dignity will be destroyed. I can't risk that.
So now I am here, hiding away from the rest. Hoping no one will find me, especially that damn Houshi-sama. Because, right now, all my thoughts are pointed at him.
I hate to admit it, but I really do love him. Even if he is a pervert, I can't help but feel faint whenever I see that smile on his lips. Just the feeling of him near would make me both nervous and joyous, his surrounding aura almost penetrating mine. The anger and happiness I felt whenever he coped a feel on my arse.
I realize now that he doesn't feel the same way. His silence had said it all.
And god, does it hurt.
Houshi-sama, was I a burden to you? Were you just promising a life together just so I didn't have the ache of unrequited love? That you felt sorry for me?
Or were you selfish? That you just took advantage of me, leading me on with that hope so you could have what you want: a child.
Goddamn you.
I breath in, trying to contain all of these emotions. Soon, it elongates into an exasperated sigh.
I have made my choice. I will no longer acknowledge my love for you. As much as it pains me, I cannot live this lie any longer.
Forcing myself to my feet, I wipe a tear off. I haven't even realized that I was crying. I rub my eyes, trying to get rid of the itchiness they felt, and begin my walk back to camp.
***
I can control most things in my life. In fact, control of oneself is one of the main things a monk must possess. Yet, whenever I see her I lose all of that control I treasure so much. I am no longer that revered monk. I'm a trembling love-sick buffoon.
I can't let her see that. I can't let her see how much she means to me. We'll go another step in our relationship. Hopelessly in love? I believe so. But if that's the case, when -- if -- I die, then she will hurt more than she does now. I can't fight against this clock, but I can lessen the burden of my death on the people I love.
But…that painful look in her eyes…I just can't get it out of my mind…
That's why I am meditating here, trying to sort out the events in my skull. Yes.. The girl.. She wanted to live with me and bear my child. I told her I could not. She kissed me to show her devotion, and Sango saw.. how can just one little misunderstanding transform into such a tragic event?
I really do want to be with Sango. But I wonder, is this for the best? Maybe.. I won't have to worry about hurting her if she believes she is just a friend to me. She would be safer. She would not be alone for the rest of her life.
I'm doing this for you, Sango! I'm hurting you so you'll be happier! I'm protecting you! As much as it kills me to see you like this, I know that in the end, if I die, you will end up being a widow, feeling the pain of another lost loved one. After losing all of the members of your family, how could I ask you to do that? How could I ask you do go through the pain once more?
What if you chose to die with me when the kazaana was to swallow me whole? No, you will live Sango, as long as there is blood running in my veins. You will be happy. You loving me, me loving you…all that would end in sadness and loneliness.
Yet.. I cannot help but want to rush to your side, and wipe the tears off of those lovely cheeks, kiss you and tell you that I love you more than anything. But that would mean losing control. As much as I want to, I cannot lose that control.
I grab my staff, and begin to walk away. I cannot risk it. If staying here means hurting Sango more…well, it means I should leave.
Walking down the path of the forest, so quiet and peaceful, I feel envious of these forest creatures. Their lives consist of copulating quickly, having children, and continuing the race. Not all of these worries of pain, not this constant fear of hurting the one you love.
Not looking where I'm going, I run into an object. Knocking it down with me, the object and I both fall to the ground, me landing on top of it. Trying to keep my balance, my hand falls onto something soft and firm.
I laugh nervously, "Oh, I'm sorry!" but don't care to move my hand just yet. I look into the face of the object I fell on -- which was obviously a female -- and am shocked to what I see.
Sango.
"Houshi-sama," she says blankly. Her eyes are sunken in from the crying, her cheeks flushed. She even looks beautiful at her worst.
She removes my hand from her breast, but doesn't bother to slap me. She slides out from underneath me, and begins to walk toward camp.
I cannot contain myself, so I yell out her name. "Sango!"
She turns around to me, her lip beginning to tremble. She manages to say, "Houshi-sama, I really just want to stay away from you for awhile." She gives me a long look, and then moves toward camp. Her words send a shot of white hot pain into my heart.
I call out, "I'm leaving."
She looks back at me, a little surprised. "Excuse me?"
"I am going away. I figure that it is for the best."
Her eyes soften, "Is it because of me?"
"Yes."
She touches her arm self-consciously, "Houshi-sama.. I am a little angry…and hurt. But if you're going to leave, don't let it be about how I feel about you. Please." She looks up at me, her eyes pleading.
You're only making this harder.
"I understand that you don't think of me like that. And.. I'll learn to live with that."
Don't do this.
"We need you. Just because you and I are having complications doesn't mean you have to leave all of us."
But the only reason I stayed was because of you.
"If you think I'd be happier if you left, with you gone, that's not true. I want you to stay," tears are reaching her eyes, "as a friend. If you leave, I'll lose that precious friend. Don't think I'll be better off if you leave Houshi-sama. I know how you think."
Do you, really? I don't think you do.
"I don't..?"
"What?"
"Houshi-sama, don't play games with me! Now is not the time!" She stomps her foot on the ground, her
fists clench.
I say confusedly, "What? What did I do?!" Then, I realize, shit. I said that out loud, didn't I?
She claws her eyes with frustration, "You said that I don't know how you think, and then you pretend to forget!"
"Sango.." I get desperate, "Sango, please stop crying…"
I reach for her arm, but she just flinches away. "Don't touch me!" she tumbles down, losing her balance in her anger.
I back away, looking at the twisted form on the ground. I can't take this. "This is why I have to leave, Sango. I must go. If I'm causing you so much discomfort…"
"Houshi" she breaths, "don't leave. Just don't. Please. I don't…" she choked, "I can't lose any more people. If you leave, you'll be just another person I lost."
"Sango," I kneel down once again to her level, "I will never be lost."
Her eyes meet mine, shocked and bewildered.
"You could never lose me, even in death."
I have lost control. But right now, I don't care.
I lift her head with my hand, stroking her cheek softly. "I just want to help you."
"Then tell me, how do you really feel? About me? Don't lie to me."
I can't break my eyes away from hers. It's as if they were magnets, driving me in. "I feel.." I pick up a strand of hair and smooth it away from her face gently. "I feel.." She trembles beneath my touch. "I feel that the most important thing right now is your happiness."
Her eyes become wet again, "The one thing that would make me happy is to know that you feel the way I do. But you don't, do you?"
Sango.
"I'm just…a friend, right? A companion? Nothing like…what I feel about you…"
The tears once again fall, and she begins to weep. She takes my hand, and moves it away. "Houshi-sama, please leave me. I understand. I know…"
That would make you happy? Even if it resulted in you being alone? Have you even considered the consequences?
"Go away, Houshi-sama."
You would die in even worse loneliness if you never knew, eh Sango?
"Houshi-sama, stop looking at me like that! Just go! Please, I can't ta--"
I grab her face with my hands, and bring it toward mine in a kiss. I finally break away, even if my body was screaming for more. "Please stop crying, Sango. Please." She whispers my name, her eyes wide with alarm. "I just wanted to protect you. I didn't want you to die in loneliness.." I can feel the tears beginning to form in my eyes now, "..but I see now that you would lead a worse life. I'm so sorry, Sango. Forgive me."
She says nothing, just throws her arms around me and kisses me again. The moon is up now, shining down on our little spot, against the tree, both of us spilling tears, clenching each other as if we'd lose the other if we let go. I'm kissing the one I love, the one I hopelessly love, and it feels so good.
Disclaimer: All of the characters in Inu Yasha belong to Rumiko Takahashi.
~
Just A Little Misunderstanding
by remedios
To tell you the truth, I don't really remember the whole event. The only thing I mostly remember is their lip-lock, and how numb I felt when I laid my eyes upon it. How expectant it was, how totally predictable. To see him kissing another girl. Why had I not seen it coming?
I then remember seeing his eyes, his eyes with shock and shame. Trying desperately to explain himself, but failing because I was not listening anymore. All I could see was that kiss again. Just imagining the betrayal and disloyalty he gave to me made my head spin.
"Sango, you don't understand..!" He shouted, "It's not what you think!"
I looked back, my mind still blank, and pronounced simply, "I understand perfectly."
"Sango," he pleaded, "she was sent by her father to beg me to let her bear my child. I told her no --"
"And then you kissed her in apology?" I interrupted angrily, "How respecting of you."
He kept crying out excuses, but I was numb to any of his words of reason. The only thing I could think about was that kiss, that abuse of trust. I thought that after he asked me to bear his children, all of this flirtation with other girls would cease. How could I trick myself? How could I believe that this man would ever stop with his perverted habits?
I glanced over at him, his eyes still pleading for forgiveness. His face twisted up into a troubled expression, probably recognizing that no, there wasn't going to be any forgiveness. Not this time.
Finding the nerve to say something, I asked, "There will be more girls, right? More girls that you will fool around with behind my back? Even when I have your children? Defying me?" My eyes were digging holes into his, hoping to see a trace of the truth.
He shook his head quickly, "No, Sango..! I didn't defy you.. She came onto m --"
I interrupt him for the third time, saying simply, "You don't love me, do you?" Finally, the tears began to collect in my eyes. My strength was depleting.
His only reply was silence, an uneasy look on his face.
Never did he utter the words that I wanted to hear. The ones that would make everything okay. The ones that I've had dreams about him saying, but never in reality. These are the dreams that I hold onto most, hoping that someday they will be a reality, and I will be the happiest girl.
I broke off the silence and said, "I don't want to bear your children anymore, Houshi-sama."
I run in the other direction, deciding I can't take it anymore. I hear him calling after my name, even following me for a short distance. My strength has started to slip, and if anyone sees it my pride and dignity will be destroyed. I can't risk that.
So now I am here, hiding away from the rest. Hoping no one will find me, especially that damn Houshi-sama. Because, right now, all my thoughts are pointed at him.
I hate to admit it, but I really do love him. Even if he is a pervert, I can't help but feel faint whenever I see that smile on his lips. Just the feeling of him near would make me both nervous and joyous, his surrounding aura almost penetrating mine. The anger and happiness I felt whenever he coped a feel on my arse.
I realize now that he doesn't feel the same way. His silence had said it all.
And god, does it hurt.
Houshi-sama, was I a burden to you? Were you just promising a life together just so I didn't have the ache of unrequited love? That you felt sorry for me?
Or were you selfish? That you just took advantage of me, leading me on with that hope so you could have what you want: a child.
Goddamn you.
I breath in, trying to contain all of these emotions. Soon, it elongates into an exasperated sigh.
I have made my choice. I will no longer acknowledge my love for you. As much as it pains me, I cannot live this lie any longer.
Forcing myself to my feet, I wipe a tear off. I haven't even realized that I was crying. I rub my eyes, trying to get rid of the itchiness they felt, and begin my walk back to camp.
***
I can control most things in my life. In fact, control of oneself is one of the main things a monk must possess. Yet, whenever I see her I lose all of that control I treasure so much. I am no longer that revered monk. I'm a trembling love-sick buffoon.
I can't let her see that. I can't let her see how much she means to me. We'll go another step in our relationship. Hopelessly in love? I believe so. But if that's the case, when -- if -- I die, then she will hurt more than she does now. I can't fight against this clock, but I can lessen the burden of my death on the people I love.
But…that painful look in her eyes…I just can't get it out of my mind…
That's why I am meditating here, trying to sort out the events in my skull. Yes.. The girl.. She wanted to live with me and bear my child. I told her I could not. She kissed me to show her devotion, and Sango saw.. how can just one little misunderstanding transform into such a tragic event?
I really do want to be with Sango. But I wonder, is this for the best? Maybe.. I won't have to worry about hurting her if she believes she is just a friend to me. She would be safer. She would not be alone for the rest of her life.
I'm doing this for you, Sango! I'm hurting you so you'll be happier! I'm protecting you! As much as it kills me to see you like this, I know that in the end, if I die, you will end up being a widow, feeling the pain of another lost loved one. After losing all of the members of your family, how could I ask you to do that? How could I ask you do go through the pain once more?
What if you chose to die with me when the kazaana was to swallow me whole? No, you will live Sango, as long as there is blood running in my veins. You will be happy. You loving me, me loving you…all that would end in sadness and loneliness.
Yet.. I cannot help but want to rush to your side, and wipe the tears off of those lovely cheeks, kiss you and tell you that I love you more than anything. But that would mean losing control. As much as I want to, I cannot lose that control.
I grab my staff, and begin to walk away. I cannot risk it. If staying here means hurting Sango more…well, it means I should leave.
Walking down the path of the forest, so quiet and peaceful, I feel envious of these forest creatures. Their lives consist of copulating quickly, having children, and continuing the race. Not all of these worries of pain, not this constant fear of hurting the one you love.
Not looking where I'm going, I run into an object. Knocking it down with me, the object and I both fall to the ground, me landing on top of it. Trying to keep my balance, my hand falls onto something soft and firm.
I laugh nervously, "Oh, I'm sorry!" but don't care to move my hand just yet. I look into the face of the object I fell on -- which was obviously a female -- and am shocked to what I see.
Sango.
"Houshi-sama," she says blankly. Her eyes are sunken in from the crying, her cheeks flushed. She even looks beautiful at her worst.
She removes my hand from her breast, but doesn't bother to slap me. She slides out from underneath me, and begins to walk toward camp.
I cannot contain myself, so I yell out her name. "Sango!"
She turns around to me, her lip beginning to tremble. She manages to say, "Houshi-sama, I really just want to stay away from you for awhile." She gives me a long look, and then moves toward camp. Her words send a shot of white hot pain into my heart.
I call out, "I'm leaving."
She looks back at me, a little surprised. "Excuse me?"
"I am going away. I figure that it is for the best."
Her eyes soften, "Is it because of me?"
"Yes."
She touches her arm self-consciously, "Houshi-sama.. I am a little angry…and hurt. But if you're going to leave, don't let it be about how I feel about you. Please." She looks up at me, her eyes pleading.
You're only making this harder.
"I understand that you don't think of me like that. And.. I'll learn to live with that."
Don't do this.
"We need you. Just because you and I are having complications doesn't mean you have to leave all of us."
But the only reason I stayed was because of you.
"If you think I'd be happier if you left, with you gone, that's not true. I want you to stay," tears are reaching her eyes, "as a friend. If you leave, I'll lose that precious friend. Don't think I'll be better off if you leave Houshi-sama. I know how you think."
Do you, really? I don't think you do.
"I don't..?"
"What?"
"Houshi-sama, don't play games with me! Now is not the time!" She stomps her foot on the ground, her
fists clench.
I say confusedly, "What? What did I do?!" Then, I realize, shit. I said that out loud, didn't I?
She claws her eyes with frustration, "You said that I don't know how you think, and then you pretend to forget!"
"Sango.." I get desperate, "Sango, please stop crying…"
I reach for her arm, but she just flinches away. "Don't touch me!" she tumbles down, losing her balance in her anger.
I back away, looking at the twisted form on the ground. I can't take this. "This is why I have to leave, Sango. I must go. If I'm causing you so much discomfort…"
"Houshi" she breaths, "don't leave. Just don't. Please. I don't…" she choked, "I can't lose any more people. If you leave, you'll be just another person I lost."
"Sango," I kneel down once again to her level, "I will never be lost."
Her eyes meet mine, shocked and bewildered.
"You could never lose me, even in death."
I have lost control. But right now, I don't care.
I lift her head with my hand, stroking her cheek softly. "I just want to help you."
"Then tell me, how do you really feel? About me? Don't lie to me."
I can't break my eyes away from hers. It's as if they were magnets, driving me in. "I feel.." I pick up a strand of hair and smooth it away from her face gently. "I feel.." She trembles beneath my touch. "I feel that the most important thing right now is your happiness."
Her eyes become wet again, "The one thing that would make me happy is to know that you feel the way I do. But you don't, do you?"
Sango.
"I'm just…a friend, right? A companion? Nothing like…what I feel about you…"
The tears once again fall, and she begins to weep. She takes my hand, and moves it away. "Houshi-sama, please leave me. I understand. I know…"
That would make you happy? Even if it resulted in you being alone? Have you even considered the consequences?
"Go away, Houshi-sama."
You would die in even worse loneliness if you never knew, eh Sango?
"Houshi-sama, stop looking at me like that! Just go! Please, I can't ta--"
I grab her face with my hands, and bring it toward mine in a kiss. I finally break away, even if my body was screaming for more. "Please stop crying, Sango. Please." She whispers my name, her eyes wide with alarm. "I just wanted to protect you. I didn't want you to die in loneliness.." I can feel the tears beginning to form in my eyes now, "..but I see now that you would lead a worse life. I'm so sorry, Sango. Forgive me."
She says nothing, just throws her arms around me and kisses me again. The moon is up now, shining down on our little spot, against the tree, both of us spilling tears, clenching each other as if we'd lose the other if we let go. I'm kissing the one I love, the one I hopelessly love, and it feels so good.