Chapter Title: Reflection
Chapter Author: Brianna (adpi22@cox.net)
Rating: PG-13 (Just to be on the safe side)
Disclaimer: Don't own them, don't make any money off them. I would take George if I could though.
AN: I loved Emily's chapter, but I'm not very good and writing angst. I can write a little but not a lot, plus, I'm in a great mood so I want the story to be happy. J
Special thanks go out to Julie, who is my beta, and allowed me to send this to her for three revisions. Thanks Julie.
*~*~*
3 Months Later
February 2004
It was a beautiful day in Las Vegas. The sun was shining, although the high was predicted to be around the mid 70's. Sara slowly walked through the cemetery. Part of her wanted to turn around the run, run as fast as she could back to her car and get the hell out of here. The other part, the strong part, forced her to continue forward to her destination.
She couldn't believe how much her life had changed in 7 short months. In those months she had lost everything that ever truly mattered to her, Nick being one of them. She hadn't spoken to him since that night 3 months ago when she caught him with another woman. She could tell he was drunk out of his mind, the dozens of empty liquor and beer bottles scattered around the apartment were proof enough, but she didn't care, he cheated on her. She ran out of the apartment and out of his life. She immediately went to Grissom and asked for a reassignment. She refused to give details but she told him to either reassign her to days or she was leaving permanently. Grissom complied, he had wrangled her onto Harrison's team, whom had replaced Ecklie.
Sara found her destination and found herself slowly sliding down to the ground. The tears that she had kept inside for many months now came spilling out of her chocolate brown eyes. She reached out her hand to caress the engravings on the tombstone.
Nicholas Benjamin Stokes Jr.
July 17th, 2003
As she continued to caress the headstone, her mind began to wonder to the time, 7 months ago, when her life unexpectedly and suddenly changed.
*~*~*
Flashback
*~*~*
July 17th, 2003
Sara and Nick sat patiently in Doctor Williams' waiting room. Both were anxious. Every chance they got to see their baby was an adventure to them. When Sara had discovered she was pregnant 7 months prior, they knew their lives were going to change. What they never realized was how much they were looking forward to the impending birth of their son.
"How about Michael?" Nick suddenly stated
"No"
"Come on Sara, it's a great name"
"No Nick" Sara thought for a moment "How about Jason?"
"Veto"
"You've used all your vetoes, you're just being stubborn"
"And so are you" Nick replied
Before they could continue their discussion a nurse popped out the side door, "Sara Sidle, come on back"
Sara and Nick got up and walked back to the examination rooms. The nurse stopped and took Sara's weight and temperature, before leading them back to a room that had an ultrasound machine set up.
"So how are you feeling today Sara?" the nurse asked
"I'm doing good."
"And the baby?"
"Well, he's been quiet as of late, but Doctor Williams told me not to worry."
"He's right; the baby's probably just sleeping. Why don't you lay back, pull up your shirt and pull your maternity pants down, the ultra sound technician will be in here shortly so you two can see this little guy."
"Okay."
Sara did as she was told and waited for the doctor to come to the room. During the intervening time she and Nick began their heated discussion of baby names. About ten minutes later, a red headed female came bounding into the room.
"Sara, Nick. How are you two doing today?" she greeted them.
"Good." the two replied at the same time
"How are you doing Mary?" Sara asked the technician
"I'm doing good."
Mary sat down in the chair positioned next to the ultrasound machine, turned it on and grabbed the jelly and squirted it on Sara's swollen abdomen. She shivered in response.
"Cold."
"Sorry about that, let's see if we can see this little guy."
Mary began moving the hand held device around, attempting to find a good shot of the fetus. His expression quickly became one of concern, which Nick and Sara both noticed.
"What's wrong?" Nick asked worriedly.
"I'm not sure; I'm going to go grab Doctor Williams. I'll be right back." Mary stated.
Mary quickly stood and ran out of the room in search of the doctor. Nick and Sara looked at each other, concern etched in their faces. Not two minutes later, Doctor Williams and Mary rushed back into the room. Doctor Williams immediately did another ultra sound on Sara, turned to Mary and nodded. Mary promptly ran out of the room.
"Doctor, what is going on?" Nick asked, trying to keep his voice calm
"Nick, Sara, we are unable to locate the baby's heartbeat."
"What!" Sara screamed
"We've got to get you to Desert Palm immediately for an emergency cesarean."
Sara began shaking and tears began streaming down her face. Nick took her hand.
"No, no, no. You're wrong. You're wrong. My baby is fine. My baby is fine" Sara said through tears.
Mary poked her head back into the room "The ambulance will be here in a couple of minutes."
"Mary, go wait for them"
"Yes Doctor"
"I'm Sorry" Doctor Williams said and went to gather Sara's medical records for the hospital.
Nick grabbed Sara and put his arms around her.
"Nick our baby has to be okay, he has to be."
"Shh Sara, It's probably a mistake, it's gonna be okay. I promise."
They held each other until the ambulance arrived, they then separated, Nick sitting next to Sara holding her hand on the way to Desert Palm. Once they arrived there, Sara was immediately taken up to the OR, where doctors were waiting. Nick was left in the waiting room. He quickly called Grissom, Catherine and Warrick who each rushed to the hospital. Warrick was the first to show up ten minutes later, quickly followed by Catherine and then Grissom. They each attempted to keep Nick calm as he paced the waiting room and starred anxiously at the doors that lead to the OR rooms.
After thirty minutes a female doctor came out of the doors, "Nick Stokes" she stated
"That's me" Nick stated as he stood
The woman walked over and reached out her arm, "I'm Doctor James, I performed the cesarean on Sara."
"Is Sara okay?"
"Sara is doing fine, she is in recovery."
"What about my son?"
"Mr. Stokes, you might want to sit down."
With that comment, Grissom, Catherine and Warrick were up and standing next to Nick.
"No, tell me what's wrong. Where is my son?" Nick demanded
"I'm very sorry Mr. Stokes, but your son was stillborn. We exhausted our capabilities in an attempt to revive him. I'm very sorry."
*~*~*
End Flashback
*~*~*
When she had woken up from her general anesthetic hours later, she was so groggy, but she knew that she wasn't pregnant anymore. She immediately became hysterical and demanded her baby. She demanded Nick. The nurses refused to tell her anything. Instead they gave her drugs to calm her down and she was out like a light. When she woke up the next morning she was in her own room, Nick was sleeping in the chair next to her. He then told her what had happened. She screamed, she yelled, she was angry, she was sad. Nick held her until she exhausted herself into fitful sleep. Everything changed between them after that.
They each began to throw themselves into work. Each taking as much overtime as they possibly could. Grissom insisted that they see the Psychologist; at first they said 'no' but eventually Grissom forced both of them into it. Sara hated seeing a shrink; it made her feel less than a person. Either way, her and Nick never discussed what happened to their son or what was happening to each other or their relationship. Every so often they would come together and comfort each other in the act of sex, but that was it. No words were exchanged. By November, they weren't even on speaking terms with each other. They lived in the same apartment together, but Sara had taken up refuge in the guest bedroom that had been originally intended to be the nursery.
The non communication between the two led to them turning to liquor to cure the loss of their son. To cure the loss of their relationship.
Sara knew that she blamed Nick, even though she knew deep down in her heart and in her mind that it wasn't his fault. She blamed him because he promised her. He promised her that their son would be okay and he wasn't. She blamed him because he broke his promise. He broke his promise to her and Nick had never done that before.
After she caught Nick with another woman, she ran to Catherine's house. She refused to talk about why she was there, or what had happened. She simply stated that she and Nick had had a fight and she needed a place to stay. Within a matter of 48 hours, she found herself an apartment on the other side of town from Nick and had moved all of her belongings out. She had also put in the transfer request to Grissom within that time frame. She requested sick leave until the official transfer came through; she refused to be around Nick.
She knew she was running, running from everything. Running from the loss of her son, running from the loss of her relationship with Nick, running from Nick, but she couldn't face the horrible amount of loss that she had suffered in four short months. She didn't have the energy too.
Sara continued to see the therapist in her spare time. By January, she realized how self destructive her behavior was. Sleeping with random men, to make herself feel, to make herself forget about the pain. Drinking herself into oblivion. At the same time she broke down and told Catherine the whole sordid tale. Relayed every emotion she had ever felt since the loss of her baby. Catherine also encouraged her to stop her self-destructive behavior. With Catherine and her therapists support she was able to do so.
Which lead to this moment.
Catherine had told her that she would never be able to move on without seeing her son's grave. Without saying a truly proper goodbye. Sara had to agree, at Nicholas' funeral, she was too doped up on medication to even realize what was going on.
Sara took a deep breath, wiped her tears that still continued to flow freely.
"I love you my precious baby. I love you" Sara whispered
Sara heard a noise behind her. She looked up and around and she saw Nick standing there, holding a small bouquet of flowers.
"Sara"
"Nick"