Hakkai is sitting quietly on the porch outside, not particularly looking at anything, and seemingly not thinking of anything, either. He is resting on the second to the last step, leaning back on the ones behind him, and has his hands folded neatly in his lap, as if he is merely wasting the day away with little care to how it passes.
This is far from the truth, of course, for behind his placid smile and vacant eyes is a mind furiously thinking over the recent events in his life: Goku regressing to his past-life persona; the little monkey then expressing his love for Sanzo--Konzen--right before explaining that Hakkai and Gojyo were full-out lovers themselves; Sanzo crushing Goku's spirit into the ground; and...Gojyo crushing Hakkai's heart right along with it.
Why he feels so hurt, Hakkai can't quite figure out. Certainly, he has never entertained ideas of being involved romantically with Gojyo. Has he...? He often finds himself fighting off waves of jealousy every time Gojyo comes back from spending the night with some random woman, but that's only because it reminds him that he no longer has a woman of his own...isn't it? It couldn't be because...secretly...he envies those women...
"Hakkai..."
The mentally occupied brunette stiffens. This voice is the last one he wants to hear right now.
"Hakkai--"
"Do you need something, Gojyo?" he jumps in quickly, turning briskly to his companion with a large smile.
Gojyo has come up behind him and is standing at the top of the porch, looking down at him awkwardly. Well, at least he had been looking down awkwardly. Now, his expression shifts to one of obvious frustration and anger. "Oh no you don't..." he growls. "Wipe that fucking, plastic smile off your face right now! I know you're mad at me, so just show it. Scream, curse, punch me in the face. Frown, for crying out loud!"
Returning his gaze directly, without flinching, Hakkai's smile wavers only enough to prove that he is sorely tempted to take Gojyo up on his offer. "I...don't know what you mean." he covers, unable to give in to that desire.
"Fuck you." Gojyo growls again, darkly from under his breath. "What the hell do you want from me...?"
"I don't want anything from you, Gojyo." Hakkai admits honestly, turning away to stare out at the glum scenery once more. "I have never asked anything of you, and yet you continue to give...and take..."
He trails off, and silence blankets them during the tension of the following moments, mirroring the clouds beginning to cover the barren rays of autumn sun. Gojyo has no reply. No words. So, for once, instead of merely allowing his tongue to choose his next path, he thinks over his words before speaking.
Sitting down cautiously next to Hakkai on the steps, he makes a point to keep a good foot between them, and calms himself down enough to handle this without allowing his temper to flare again.
"Hakkai..." he begins softly, barely believing he is about to discuss what he must. "...do you...have feelings for me? Is that why you stormed out? Do you...want us to--"
"I don't want anything, Gojyo. Must I say it again?"
"Then be honest with me." Gojyo presses, surprised at how desperate he sounds. "I saw the hurt in your eyes. You may be able to smile it off now, but I know I hurt you. Just...tell me why. Tell me the truth."
The truth. Everyone talks about it as if it is the simplest thing in the world, but when a person has to deal with it themselves, that misconception falls short. The truth is not easy, especially when you are putting more than just your pride on the line.
Hakkai knows what the truth is, somehow, somewhere, buried deep in the parts of his mind where he is most afraid to go looking. Yes, the truth is there, and now that Goku has forced him to reassess his relationship with a certain red-haired kappa, that truth is no longer something he can ignore.
"The truth...the truth is...I was hurt...because...because you treated the idea so flippantly." Hakkai admits. "Do I mean...that little to you, Gojyo...?"
"Little?" Gojyo repeats. "Hakkai, you're the first real friend I ever had. The first person I trusted after...what happened to me."
"Then...why? Why sneer at the idea? Is it that horrible to imagine being with someone like me?"
Gojyo doesn't even need to think of an answer for that one. "No!" he protests, instantly feeling far too exposed for having said it so passionately. "I mean...well...the reason I said what I said...the way I said it...was because...I was sure you'd be disgusted by the idea. I thought...if I didn't act like it was the stupidest thing in the world...you'd think...you'd think I--"
"Wanted me?"
"...yeah."
Shyly, Gojyo flicks his crimson eyes to catch a glimpse of Hakkai's face, and discovers that the quiet brunette is staring directly back at him with an intensity that almost seems to say, '...what if I want you to want me...?'
Swallowing, Gojyo flicks his eyes away again, down at his hands, which he has been absently wringing in his lap. "I thought you said...you didn't want anything from me." he speaks, barely above a whisper, proving that he has finally found himself in a situation he cannot cheat his way through.
"I don't." Hakkai replies, tender as always, though oddly serious, without the usual veil to his demeanor, and still with his eyes trained on Gojyo's avoiding face. "I don't want anything you can't give. But...that doesn't mean I'd reject what you have to offer."
Loaded silence. Extremely loaded. Hakkai has put himself out on a very weak limb, leaving everything up to Gojyo. It is a foolish, though brave act.
Gojyo swallows again, hard, and finds it somehow difficult to breathe. This is Hakkai, his best friend, admitting something unbelievably impossible coming from him.
Impossible: yes. Unwanted: ...
"So...umm...if...if I offered...?"
'Shit. What the hell am I saying?' Gojyo panics, repressing shivers and intuitions telling him to take those words back. But...he can't take them back. Deep down, he knows he is only saying what he feels, but he never once thought he would be feeling this.
Then, suddenly, he feels something else. A hand, nobly callused, though still gentle, runs its fingertips over the back of his, causing even more shivers to tickle his spine. He doesn't move or react outright, but he allows that hand the control it has taken, until it at last laces their fingers together, tightly, possessively, and perfectly fit.
"I'd say 'yes'."
Gojyo turns his head, staring in disbelief at Hakkai's vigilant stare, and then down at their linked hands. It all seems so surreal, but he knows it isn't. He feels the warmth of it, how fitting it is for them to be this way, and despite himself, he grins, lopsided and full of boyish charm. Lifting his free hand up to Hakkai's face, he runs his thumb over his friend's smooth jawline, testing reality. Then, hoping to prove once and for all whether or not this is merely a fantastical dream, he begins to lean forward...
Hakkai pulls back, still holding Gojyo's hand, though now out of reach of the other. "S-Sumimasen." he stumbles, addressing the confused expression on Gojyo's pouting face. "It's just...I haven't been with anyone since...I mean...I haven't even kissed anyone since..."
"Hey, it's okay. I understand." Gojyo reassures, squeezing Hakkai's still clasped hand with his. "This is all a little weird anyway. Besides, I don't have to be a hornball all the time, ya know? When we first met, I told you that you were the last man I would I ever bring to bed--the first, too, by the way--and I plan to keep it like that. Ano...that doesn't mean we have to jump into bed or anything. We don't have to kiss, or...anything, 'cause...well...ahh...oh, shit. I can't believe I'm getting flustered over a guy." he grumbles, a slight bit of color rising to his cheeks. "Just so you know, past-life be damned, you are the only guy who could ever turn me off women."
Releasing a pleased laugh, Hakkai nudges Gojyo playfully in the side. "Is that a promise?" he asks, only half teasing.
For a moment, Gojyo gets a very contemplative look on his face, and then, as if hardly believing it himself, replies. "Actually...I think it is."
Hakkai cocks his head, surveying the adorably perplexed look on Gojyo's face. "How easily you change from charmingly coy...to incredibly seductive."
Now it is Gojyo's turn to release a laugh. "Well, I always was shameless."
With a contented sigh of agreement, Hakkai pulls himself in close to his friend, sitting side by side with him on the step, with none of the space that had so recently been between them. Tentatively, he lays his head on the redhead's shoulder. "Be as shameless as you want." he smiles. "I wouldn't want you to be anyone but you, Kenren."
Beat. Both stiffen at the release of that name, flowing so easily out of Hakkai's mouth, as if it is the most natural utterance in the world. "Wha...what did you call me...?" Gojyo breathes.
Tilting his head up to meet that crimson gaze, Hakkai's face pales stark-white. And yet, as their eyes meet, neither find themselves angry, or hurt, or frightened at that slip of the cosmic tongue. Instead, they gradually begin to chuckle, and in barely no time at all, they are practically doubled over each other laughing.
Sometimes, even Fate has a sense of humor.
-----
Feeling much more relaxed and capable of handling others' misfortunes now that his own are in working order, Hakkai makes his way through the rooms of the small cottage until at last coming to the one Sanzo had stormed into after Goku stormed into the other one.
Obviously, if things aren't worked out soon, three of them will be sharing one room while the perturbed monk sulks alone in his. As far as Hakkai is concerned, he would much rather have Goku with Sanzo, partly for their sakes, and partly so he can be alone with Gojyo. It isn't entirely selfish, but he certainly acknowledges that half of his argument for knocking on the door in front of him is for his own benefit.
Knock. Knock.
No answer. Not that Hakkai is surprised; he didn't expect one. However, though politeness warranted the knock, he sees no reason to wait for admittance.
"Feeling guilty?" he asks of Sanzo's back, considering the monk is siting on his bed facing the window on the other side of the room.
Sanzo makes no move to turn. "What do you want, Hakkai?" he demands, cheerful as always.
"People keep asking me that today." Hakkai smiles, reminiscing over what had just occurred on the porch. He pushes the thoughts aside quickly, though, and enters fully, shutting the door behind him. "Did you really mean all those harsh things you said to him?" he asks, knowing there is no need to say who 'he' is.
"I don't want to talk about it!" Sanzo snaps, still glaring daggers into the glass of his window. "Go away. Pester that redheaded cockroach, why don't you?"
"Now, now. If I did that, one thing might lead to another, and Goku could end up being right. Lying to yourself would be so much harder then, don't you think?"
"Go away." Sanzo growls, his tone as lethal as one of those demon-killing bullets he depends on so much.
Hakkai takes a step closer to the bed. "You do love him."
"I said, go away!" Sanzo cries, whipping around maliciously, and hating how his venom somehow falls short the moment amethyst meets emerald, and the moment his hardened frown meets that damndable smile. "This is none of your business, and what goes on between you and that half-breed is none of mine."
"Hn, it's funny how you aren't denying it."
Now this is too much. Sanzo leaps off the bed, getting right in Hakkai's face in obvious challenge to the brunette's insolent behavior. "Then I WILL deny it! I don't love that fucking monkey!!"
Not even flinching, Hakkai folds his arms neatly over his chest, allowing his smile to become a little crooked. "You're lying."
"Damn you, Hakkai!"
"No, Sanzo. Damn you." the brunette throws back, in a very steady tone, which completely contrasts with Sanzo's tangible temper. "What are you afraid of? You can't be afraid of rejection; Goku's feelings for you are more than clear. So, what is it? I certainly hope you aren't acting this way to save yourself the possible pain of one day losing his love through...let's say...death?"
Sanzo's face instantly goes blank, and the momentum that had been balancing him so precariously close to Hakkai tips, rocking him back on his heels.
"I thought as much."
Quite clearly, Sanzo's hands form into angry fists, crunching sickeningly as the knuckles crack from tension and over-use. "Leave me alone, Hakkai. You don't know shit about me or why I do what I do!"
"You may be surprised."
"Hakkai--!"
"I am not going to leave this alone, Sanzo." Hakkai affirms loudly--louder than one would expect from a man who usually appears so held together.
In response, there is a blur of rapid movement and the faintest rustling of clothing. Before Hakkai can even imagine blinking, Sanzo's beloved gun is free of its hiding place, pointed threateningly between his eyes. Sanzo cocks the weapon with a resonating click. "Yes...you are." he breathes, not as a command or a warning, but as a promise.
Hakkai makes no move to back down, and offers no expression of fear or surprise. Gradually, his arms fall to his sides, and the tight knitting of his eyebrows increases, changing from determination to pity. Still, he does not admit defeat.
He would never admit defeat.
"Is it so hard for you to distinguish friend from foe?"
No response; Sanzo's hand is rock-steady.
"Fine. Have it your way." Hakkai breathes, narrowing eyes that never seem capable of catching a smile, even when one is planted firmly on his face. He turns and begins walking for the door then, but pauses as his hand reaches for the knob. "I just hope you realize what you may be giving up."
Slam. Hakkai is out the door with more force than usual, due to frustration and genuine concern. For a long time, Sanzo stares after his companion, as if hoping to somehow burn a hole through the wood.
No such luck.
With a half-strangled howl, he hurls his gun into the floor. "Fuck!"
-----
Knock. Knock. "Anybody home?" Gojyo calls merrily, wearing his most charming smile and speaking as pleasantly as possible.
He is standing just INSIDE Goku's claimed room, knocking AFTER having opened the door, and only in order to alert the younger boy of his presence.
Goku doesn't turn, facing towards his window much as Sanzo had been when Hakkai attempted the same thing Gojyo is attempting now.
"Maybe I'm just going nuts, but...if you want to talk about it...I'll listen." the redhead continues, nudging the door closed as he walks over to the bed and sits down on the edge beside his troubled friend.
Goku feels the shift in weight as Gojyo joins him, and the tears he had been holding back begin again as he suddenly turns and buries his face in Gojyo's chest.
Tensing at first, Gojyo isn't quite sure what to make of this show of attachment, but putting his usual tendencies aside, he quells his need to tease the demure monkey, and instead, wraps his arms affectionately around the boy's shivering shoulders.
"Wh...why doesn't he...love me anymore...?" Goku sniffles, his words half muffled by the folds of Gojyo's shirt.
"Who says he doesn't?"
"...he did."
The monkey makes a point. "Well...what does he know, anyway." Gojyo dismisses, giving the boy an extra firm squeeze. "He's just confused, that's all. He's afraid."
"Konzen...afraid...?" Goku repeats, as if the very idea is the most absurd thing imaginable.
Gojyo represses a sneer. "It IS possible, ya know? Hell, I was downright petrified today after all that stuff you told us. But ya know what? I got over it. And eventually, Sanzo will, too."
"You don't know that..." Goku counters, but trails off almost immediately, suddenly pulling back, though still with his small hands clutching Gojyo's shirt. "You...got over it?" he asks, his mouth halfway to the ground in pleased shock.
"Yeah, well...Hakkai and I had a nice, long talk about what you said, and--"
"You realized how much you love him and how much he loves you and that you can't possibly live without each other?"
A red eyebrow raises itself skeptically, and Gojyo does all he can to keep from laughing at the monkey's hurried words. "Okay." he concedes slowly, barely able to refrain from blushing, as well.
Goku, on the other hand, blushes deeply all the way from his cheeks to his collarbone, embarrassed at being so enraptured by the idea of his friends confessing their love for one another. "Gomen..." he whispers sheepishly. "I'm just...happy for you."
"And happy you were right, which means you might also be right about droopy-eyes, ne?"
"...hai."
Gojyo returns Goku's bashful smile with one of his own and carefully uncoils his arms from around the boy's shoulders while prying the monkey's fists from clamping onto his shirt, until they are at last sitting side by side on the mattress.
The conversation is far from over, but Gojyo isn't quite sure how to ask the other questions on his mind.
"Ano...uhhh....what...what exactly happened between you and this Konzen, anyway? I mean, you're pretty young, ne? Younger than the Goku I know. Too young to have had some steamy love affair, if ya ask me."
"I'm not that young!" Goku whines, but immediately realizes just how valid of an argument Gojyo is making. "Gomen. I...I know you're right. When I look in the mirror, I can't help wondering where all the years went. I was alot younger in my time."
"So..." Gojyo presses.
"So what? We never did the things you and Tenpou used to do, if that's what you're asking."
Gojyo smirks, tossing the boy a rather naughty wink. "Ahh, so you DO know what lovers do together."
The shade of red still clinging to Goku's face deepens a shade darker. "Hai. You explained it after you found out about Konzen and me. He was really mad at you, too. He didn't want me getting any ideas until I was older. Well...I AM older now...but I don't remember growing up...and...Konzen...Sanzo...doesn't want me."
At risk of displaying perhaps a bit too much affection towards the monkey, Gojyo slips a comforting arm around Goku's shoulders. "Give him time, saru." he smiles, using the nickname in an almost endearing tone of voice. "Don't worry too much about your memories, either. Whatever comes next, it'll all work out."
"I'm not so sure about that."
Goku and Gojyo look to the door, acknowledging the solemn voice that has broken into their conversation. Hakkai stands in the doorway with a very serious, very troubled expression. They eye him critically as he slowly produces a far too familiar handgun and holds it up to the light.
"Sanzo's gone."
tbc...
A/N: Sorry I took so long to update. Truthfully, I don't know where I'm going with this, but I like what's been going on so far. I promise I'll update soon with another chapter, and I really appreciate all the reviews. One of you asked whether or not I was going to explain where Goku's amnesia came from, and...I am! Next part, and it's really not that complicated, though it is more than just that bump on the head that caused it. Okay, hope you liked this part, and please REVIEW!! :-)
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