Title: The Perfect Gift
Author: Eyana
Summery: The Merovingian sends the Twins off to find the "perfect" gift for Persephone. Bad idea. Please R&R
Rating: PG-13. Some strong language.
Distribution: Ask first, archive later.
Warnings: Eh?
Authors Note: Meant as an entry for the MatrixTwins Yahoogroup Christmas challenge…. But I finished it late. Really late. So, rather than waste a story and let it rot in my computer, I'll just post it here. Bah. Single chapter only. Pretty short. Uh… late Merry Christmas? Gah I suck.
.. and I will finish Magic Kingdom… sometime.
Disclaimer: YEAH. I own the Twins. And I created the Matrix. Hell I invented fan-fiction. And the internet. And the English language. SO SUE ME! (note: I really don't. Please don't sue, I'm broke!)
Feedback: E-mail me at chrissy_butter@hotmail.com. No flames please.
"So, you understand then?"
"Yes sir."
"Quite."
"I need not explain further?"
"No sir."
"Quite"
"You comprehend the extreme importance of this task? If you should fail, all we have come to know –everything that makes up our entire existence – shall crumble into nothing. This is the only chance we have – and it must succeed beyond all measures."
"Yes sir."
"Quite."
"Very well. I am entrusting you with this mission. Go now and fulfill it."
"Yes sir."
"Quite."
"Will you stop saying 'Quite' after every question?"
"Will YOU stop saying 'Yes sir' like you have a pole up your ass?"
"Excuse me? At least my answer is a hell of a lot better than 'Quite.' You're just using it because you think it sounds posh are smart! Well it DOESN'T dumbass!"
"QuiteQuiteQuiteQuiteQuiteQuiteQuiteQuiteQuiteQuiteQuiteQuiteQui-"
"Shut the FUCK up, you TURD!"
"If you two don't shut up right now and complete your mission I will delete you right here and now."
"……"
"……"
"Good. Now leave."
"Yes sir."
"Quite."
"I am not related to you."
*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***
The Twins walked out of the Merovingian's office in a rather fuming mood – a scene that would surely repeat itself before long. Their boss had assigned them a hefty responsibility considering the circumstances. Persephone had reached a new high in her "relationship" with her husband – she had discovered his "little black book" of all the phone numbers of every hot and temping sex machine in existence. The fact that the list included many males, two dogs and a yak seemed to make no difference. The lawyers were now involved. Therefore this Christmas proved a vital point in terms of determining the direction of their marriage. Presents mattered. A lot.
Thus the Twins were charged with finding the most absolutely perfect gift for Persephone in all of creation.
This task was incredibly important as it followed a long string of forgetful gifts the Merovingian had bestowed upon his wife over the many years of their relationship. Last year, the Merovingian was attending a toga party on Christmas Eve and completely forgot about the holiday. Therefore, he bought her gift on his way home from a gas station – the only thing open at 3am. Needless to say, Persephone was not pleased with the windshield scraper and box of thumb-tacks she had received. She seemed not to buy his excuse of: "The scraper is to help exfoliate and the tacks are to help keep your tight dresses from splitting in certain areas."
The Twins made their way through the château towards the stars that would lead to the parking lot. They passed Cain and Abel who were decorating a monstrously large Christmas tree near the main staircases. One thought the decorations were stupid and boring – the tree would look much better with knives and maces hanging off various branches rather than fruity bulbs and lights. To demonstrate his disproval, One swiped a candy cane off a limb quite effortlessly and followed his brother through the doors.
Once the Twins were in the car, One began to unwrap the stolen candy – nosily crinkling the plastic. The sound caught the attention of Two, who was doing up his seat-belt, careful not to wrinkle the fine fabric of his silver coat.
"Where did you get that?" Two stared at the candy cane, hard.
One put it in his mouth and grinned widely. "Persephone gave it to me."
"What?! Why didn't I get one?"
One shrugged and stretched his hands behind his head. "What can I say? I'm hot."
"Oh please. Everyone knows that I'm the good looking one. Give me that." Two made a grab for the candy.
One dodged his advances quickly, blocking Two's hand with his arm. "No! It's mine, asshole!"
"I said, GIVE IT TO ME!" Two tried to grab it again, and the brothers engaged in what could only be described as a cat-fight.
Just as the 'brawl" was getting ugly, One spit out the candy cane at Two as a last resort. If he was going down, he might as well use it for ammunition. The sticky candy flung across the car and smacked into Two's forehead –where the now syrupy texture made it stick to the surface.
The brothers stopped and stayed still for a moment. Two slowly moved his hand up to his forehead in a way one would move to feel a fatal wound and touched the gummy bon-bon. He screamed, ripped it off and thwacked it onto the side window with brute force. He then grabbed a moist towelette (which was always readily available in the Twin's car) and wiped his brow down furiously. "That went TOO far!"
One shrugged again. "YOU started it."
Two growled and started up the car. The vehicle speed out of the parkade and screeched around the corner towards the mall.
*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***
"Wow… this place is… shiny."
The Twins stood in the centre of the mall, completely surrounded with bight lights, tacky decorations and hordes and hoards of smelly humans doing any last minute shopping they could squeeze in. Each person had the same zombie-like expression plastered across their face, a result One reasoned must be from the apparent lack of oxygen in the building. A high-pitched remix of "Frosty the Snowman" was playing on the speakers, however the noise melted into the groans and grumblings of the shoppers.
"Ugh. Malls are so.. common." Two wrinkled his nose in disgust, and deliberately maneuvered himself around the passing people so that he wouldn't have to touch any of the "peasants." While the shopping mall perhaps did not provide the most "exquisite" of gifts needed for their mission, it was however the most convenient and the brothers wanted to get this over with as soon as possible. Besides, the food-court had a Taco Bell.
"Where should we start?" Two sighed, disgusted as he watched a middle aged man pick something out of his teeth with his finger.
One looked around the building, quickly examining several stores from a distance. He spotted a toy shop, and immediately placed it off limits as it was sure to be infested with mindless sticky children. Then he spotted a store to the far left that perked his interest, and unceremoniously pulled his brother's arm in its direction.
"Ow! You can let go of me, you idiot. I can walk myself!" Two grumbled as he was dragged along like some sort of dog. One ignored him. However when Two caught sight of the store's contents through the window, he became even more annoyed.
"You can't be serious.. We will not find a gift for a picky female here."
"Are you KIDDING? What girl WOULDN'T want the latest KILLING ZOMBIES WITH RUSTY SPOONS 5000 GAME?" One began to salivate as he made a run for the videogame section of "Megaplex Electronic Entertainment".
Two stood, fuming, and placed his hands on his hips as his brother immediately began chatting up nearby gamerz on how much they knew about certain mindless forms of entertainment. It was quite obvious that Two disliked videogames in general, but being surrounded by pimply faced gothic wannabe losers was even worse. He wouldn't be caught dead handling a game cartridge if his code depended on it.
Besides, a young adolescent to his right was wearing the exact same silver jacket Two bought a day ago.
"Can we QUITE leave now?"
One appeared not to notice him. Two began to get nervous as a lanky girl dressed entirely in neon green leather began to eye him seductively.
Two charged his brother and yanked his arm hard to get his attention. "We will NOT find a gift here. The Merovingian said it had to be PERFECT. This is hardly the place!"
"Ohh DUDE. You looking for the new Merovingian XSL RP game? Over here man." The voice originated from some young bigot behind them. Two shivered as One grinned and looked in the boy's direction.
"We are leaving now." Two narrowed his eyes at his brother and squeezed his arm unusually hard.
*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***
"Hey. This is good."
"I don't think so."
"Common. She'll love it."
"…No"
"Touch it."
"What?"
"Just stroke it a bit."
Two wrinkled his nose at the rolling pin his brother was holding.
"Why the hell would you want me to touch that?"
"This baby's got POWER. I bet it's got a few good whacks in it."
"Fuck. No."
"Let's buy it for ourselves then."
"I'm leaving."
*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***
"Can I help you gentlemen?"
The Twins had wandered into a dimly lit shop that smelled like a gnome ate a field of flowers and then threw up. They were surrounded with rows and rows of colorful, lacy garments that made most men either very nervous or very excited. At times quite possibly both.
"Uh.. yes. We are looking for a gift." Two started, and then trailed off as he became distracted by a particularly sparkly number a few racks away.
"Oh how sweet! For whom are you buying?" The saleswoman was wearing a hideously "festive" stripped sweater of green and red.
"Uhh…"
"Umm.."
The Twins were unsure of how exactly to respond. Somehow, saying that they were looking for sexy lingerie for their boss's wife didn't exactly seem like the most appropriate answer.
"Sirs?"
"Our mother."
"Our MOTHER?"
"Your mother?"
"Yes. Our mother."
The woman raised her eyebrow at the two unusual looking customers and quickly decided that whatever family they were raised in wasn't quite right. But business was business.
"Um… okay… do you have anything in mind?"
One grinned. "Something PERFECT."
Two rolled his eyes.
The woman rubbed her forehead briefly, before trying again. "Okay.. well.. what size is she?"
"Size?"
"Yes. Across the bust. A? C?"
"Bust?"
"Yes. The cup size."
"Cup?"
"Yes."
"Well…I'd say she could at least fill a coffee mug size, but I think a beer jug would be more like it."
"…..Maybe you should buy her something else."
*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***
"Mother of Matrix… they sell WOLVES in this mall?"
"That's a dog, shitface."
"No way. Look at it's teeth! We HAVE to buy this!"
"Persephone would never accept a gift that expelled urine and feces. I know."
"She would like it! The dog is soft! She LOVES soft things!"
"She also likes handcuffs."
"Touché."
*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***
Two sipped his ice-tea slowly as One continued poking a dollop of sour-cream with a left over french-fry. They had decided to take a much needed rest in the food court, and replenish their energy with their beloved Taco Bell. Things were indeed beginning to seem bleak.
"Woman are so hard to shop for." One mumbled, as he opened a hot sauce packet and began writing obscenities onto the table with the contents. Two watched him warily.
Suddenly a loud voice echoed over the building's speakers.
"ATTENTION SHOPPERS. THE MALL WILL BE CLOSING IN… ONE HOUR."
The brothers groaned.
"We have to buy SOMETHING tonight. Or the Merovingian will be most displeased." Two rattled off, half listening to himself.
One flung a sour-cream blob with a plastic spoon at a small enfant who was sitting a few seats away. He grinned as the child cried.
"… are you even listening to me?"
"Yeah yeah yeah. Most important mission. Shall we try again?"
Two preferred not to answer as he stood up and smoothed off any fine traces of crumbs that may have rudely fell onto his silver coat. He made his back straight and eloquently exited the food court. One followed him closely, leaving behind a "Fock You" on the table they were eating at. Apparently hot sauce was not the more stable writing medium.
*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***
One pressed his face against the window glass, examining the contents that lay beyond as closely as possible. Before him were carefully laid pieces of gold and silver jewelry, assembled amidst a fluffy pile of black velvet. Tiny, almost unreadable price-tags accompanied each piece. One liked shiny things.
The brothers had made their way into one of the more expensive shops in the mall in hopes that they price range would automatically equal "perfect" gifts. Their feet had begun to ache from walking around for so long – a feeling not doubt amplified by the fact that their boots came with quite a heel. Two vowed never to purchase such shoes on an impulse buy again.
"There are so many kinds. What shall we get her?"
"Something silver of-course."
"Of-course."
"Beyond that, I have no idea. Woman's jewelry is so tacky."
Someone cleared their throat. The Twins looked up from the display cases to meet the sound. Before them stood a sales attendant dressed in a black suit and satin red tie. Round dark sunglasses rested over his face. His name tag read "SERAPH."
"Hello. May I help you?"
One suddenly pointed a finger obtrusively at the man. "HEY…. I know YOU!"
The attendant smiled. "Yes. Hello."
Two's brow furrowed, and his lower lip protruded in mistrust. "Don't you work for the Oracle?"
"Yes."
One's eyes bulges slightly behind his sunglasses. "Dude. So why are you working here?"
A beat passed between them, yet Seraph remained unmoving. Finally he answered, although it looked as if he was expelling a great deal of energy not to show anger.
"Do you. Have any idea. How little. That cow pays me?"
The Twins were silent for a moment. Seraph was a little more than bitter.
"No."
"Well it isn't a lot, let me tell you. Do you know how much I have to lay my ass on the line just to make sure she doesn't get deleted every second? Do you know how many fucking enemies she has? It's amazing I'm not completely insane by now. And the bitch has gotten so chinsy around the Holidays… I have FIVE baby programs to FEED! Any they all want fucking MP3 PLAYERS for Christmas.. do you have any idea how much those little pieces of shit cost?"
He paused to breathe.
The Twins stared, unmoving.
Seraph blinked, and suddenly his disposition changed entirely, as if the previous rant never expelled his lips. He simply smiled, nodded slightly, and adjusted his tie carefully.
"Well. Whom are you buying for?"
Two sighed. He really didn't care if Seraph knew what they were doing at this point. He just wanted to buy the bloody gift and get the hell out. "We're buying a Christmas present for Persephone."
"Your boss' wife?"
"Yeah."
"Do you like her or something?"
"No. We were ordered to do this. Do you think we would WANT to shop here?"
Seraph took a step back and stroked his imaginary beard, pondering something as he slowly looked around the store. A few moments passed and One became bored. He started to click his tongue against the roof of his mouth, which caused Two to kick his shin. Suddenly Seraph's face lit up. He scurried to the back of the store and returned a few minutes later carrying a small wooden box, which was carved with ornate flowers and doves.
"Perhaps this will suffice. It is our finest item."
With that Seraph opened the box, and the Twins immediately sighed with awe in its presence. The box itself seemed to have a certain ethereal glow, but the jewelry inside was truly breathtaking. This was truly the perfect gift they had been searching for.
"This is it." One said, staring at the box.
"We've done it." Two said slowly.
Seraph grinned and closed the box, which almost made the Twins whine as they could no longer look at the contents.
"Now." Seraph began, "Would you like an engraving on that?"
The brothers looked at each other and smiled.
*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***
The Twins were not two steps into the chateau when the Merovingian came barrowing down the hallway with his hands waving excitedly in the air.
"FINALLY! You two have been gone ALL DAY! Did you get it? DID YOU GET IT?"
"Yes sir, we-" but Two was cut off when the Merovingian ripped the shopping bag out of his hands and yanked the small wrapped gift into the open. He smiled widely.
"Ah yes.. this is perfect.. this is exactly what I wanted.. this is…. What is this?"
The Merovingian was turning the box around in his hands, looking at it from all angles.
One was about to answer when all three heard a familiar click of high heels from down the hall. The Merovingian began to look pale.
"What are you doing?" The female voice asked, and the Twin's digital blood ran a few degrees cooler. She was wearing black fur, which she only wore when she was in a particularly bitchy mood.
The Merovingian fumbled the box slightly and turned around to meet her, trying his best to preserve what ever "masculinity" he had. A smile spread across his face. "My dear, I was just about to find you so that I may give you this.. a small er.. token of my affection."
He handed the gift to her.
"Merry Christmas."
Persephone took it carefully and eyed it for a while. She then slowly began to unwrap the delicate shiny paper, removing the black ribbon with excruciating coolness. With the paper gone, she opened the ornate wooden box.
Silence.
The three men stood motionless, preparing to run like hell.
Persephone picked up the beautiful silver locket, which was incredibly decorated with fine diamonds and turned it over in her hands. She read the inscription out loud slowly.
"No yak will ever be as beautiful, as you are to me."
She looked up at the Merovingian, her eyes unreadable. He stood there, looking back at her, unsure of what to do. Suddenly her eyes became glassy – a single perfectly formed tear rolled down her check.
The Twins didn't know if that was a good thing or a really really bad thing.
"Thank you…" She whispered, clutching the necklace tightly, and hugged her husband and cried with happiness and love into his neck. He hugged her in return, a strong sigh of relief escaping his mouth.
The Twins smiled from afar, and Two placed a hand on his brother's shoulder.
"Well, it appears that we were successful after all."
"Quite."
Two's eye twitched.
*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***
THE END.
Yeah… it sucked. And it's crazy crazy late. Ahhh…