Rating: PG
Spoilers: Yep. Based on spoilers up to 10.15 – "Blood Relations"! Summary and Author's notes also contain spoilers!
Summary: Abby and Susan talk about her pregnancy – which leads to some Carter and Abby interaction. ; )
Disclaimer: I don't own anything … ; )
Feedback: Sure, I'd love to know what you think! nette_mails@yahoo.de or use the review button. ; )
Author's notes: Okay … I'm supposed to be spoiler free from 10.15 on. But since people can't put spoiler space … I know one thing about it. And that thing is that Susan is pregnant. So this stand alone is based on that and the fact that Kem leaves in 10.14 – "Impulse Control". The rest is pure speculation – and wishful thinking I guess. ; ) Please let me know what you think. : )
And thank you Tracey for beta reading – even though you were busy again! ::hugs:: "Coffee and Pie""Jesus, Susan. Anything special you're eating lately? Or drinking? You seem so happy for the last couple of days. You're almost glowing," I tell her as she enters the lounge with a grin from ear to ear while I'm standing at my locker, getting ready for my 12 hour shift. "I mean, it's nice to see a happy face in the morning … but your performance is really not normal – it's getting scary," I add with a wink.
She comes over to me, still smiling. "I'm glowing, really?" she asks me innocently. "I didn't notice," she says as she opens her locker, too. But I can tell she's hiding something. And I think I know what's going on.
"So … things are going well between you and Chuck since the helicopter accident?" I smile knowingly at her. "He doesn't have a younger brother, does he?"
She turns around, trying to look serious but she's grinning and says, mimicking my earlier mocking tone. "And what exactly would you do with his younger brother? Introduce him to your younger sister?"
I slap her arm playfully. "Hey, I'm not that much older than you."
"Right, and Carter is younger, too …" she begins but stops mid sentence, covering her mouth with her right hand, looking guilty. "I'm sorry Abby, I didn't mean to …"
I try hard to force out a smile. It's not her fault that I still feel sad when his name is mentioned. Pretending to be over him was really easy while he was out of the country. But since he's back – with the mother of his child – it's like all my efforts were for nothing.
And now that she's gone everything is so uncertain. I haven't talked to him about it yet – all I know is that he took her to the airport this morning. But he seems really down since she left. It's hard for me to accept, but maybe he really loves her. I always thought we were made for each other. But maybe if he's hurting so much, she is the one for him. But what puzzles me is, why he didn't go with her.
I want nothing more than to feel normal about him again. I want to forget everything.
But it's not working.
Or at least Susan seems to have noticed. I want to appear fine with it, with him. She shouldn't feel guilty for mentioning him.
"It's okay Susan, really. I don't mind talking about him."
She looks at me – obviously not believing a single word of it.
"Abby … ," she begins again. But I really don't want to talk about him right now so I interrupt her right away.
"So … what is Chuck doing to you that makes you so happy?"
She sighs, somewhat defeatedly, willing to play my game of 'let's pretend' for now.
"It's nothing, really," she tells me.
I look at her unbelievingly. "Come, on. It can't be nothing."
She closes the door to her locker and shifts uncomfortably in front of me. She's apparently really hiding something. But I can't tell what it is.
"Come on, Sus."
"Okay," she says, throwing her hands in the air as a sign that she gives up. "I'm late," she finally tells me, biting her lip.
"You're … late," I say, narrowing my eyebrows. "Late for what?"
She rolls her eyes and then I finally get it. "Oh, you're late late!"
She nods shyly.
"You're late!" I almost squeal as I realize that my best friend is going to have a baby and I throw my arms around her to hug her. But when I pull back she has an expression on her face that I can't seem to read. "I mean, that's good, right?"
She nods again.
"Then why do you look like it's not?" I ask her, motioning her over to the sofa to make her sit down to talk about it.
She shrugs her shoulders. "It seems so soon. Our marriage was just a spur of the moment thing, you know? We were on holiday and in a, more or less, crazy mood. So we did it. Afterwards we kinda regretted it … but we stayed together anyway. Then the accident with the helicopter … I thought he was dead … then he was alive … then I was about to lose him again. It made me realize how short life is. And now I'm pregnant. We didn't plan it. We talked about kids not long ago … but we didn't really agree on having one. But now it's there and I don't know what to think – or what to feel," she says and sighs.
I put my arm around her and squeeze her shoulder gently. I remember all too well what I did when I was pregnant and not sure whether it was right or wrong. I wonder if she thinks about that option, too. And she seems to read my mind.
"No matter what, though – abortion is not an option. I feel so exuberant to be pregnant, you know? It's weird. I only found out a few days ago but I feel so happy about it."
I nod. She doesn't know but I know what she means. "You'll be a great Mom," I tell her to reassure her. And I really mean it.
"Thank you," she says and smiles at me. "I'm really looking forward to it. But I don't know if Chuck and I are ready for a family."
"Does he know?"
She shakes her head and looks down at her hands. She's nervously playing with the rim of her scrubs top. "Not yet. I wanted to wait for the right moment to tell him. And I wanted to find the right words to tell him. But it didn't feel right to tell him so far."
"Take your time. I'm sure he'll be happy about it. That he'll support you no matter what you decide." I pause before asking her this simple question. "Could you imagine being a family with him?"
She turns to look at me. "Maybe. I'm not sure. I want to do this right, you know? I don't want to ruin what possible chance of a family my baby has before it's even born."
I nod again. I can almost see me in her. "Take your time, okay? I know you'll make the right decision. As I told you, you'll be a great Mom and no matter what happens this kid will be very lucky to have you. It'll have your love and Chuck's, too. Everything is going to be okay," I tell her and pull her into a hug.
"Wow, these hormones are already taking over my body," she says as she pulls back after a moment and wipes at her eyes. "I always thought that was an old wives tale."
"Apparently not," I chuckle slightly and make her laugh a little.
"But I should get back to work now. Are my eyes very red and puffy?" she asks me. But I know she doesn't really mean it.
"Nope, you don't look worse than usual," I answer with a smile. But I regret my words immediately as I didn't think about how she might take my teasing right now. But she's still her old self as she replies.
"Why, thank you," she says and hits my arm playfully.
"Any time," I laugh with her.
"You're a true friend."
"I know."
"No, really," she says and reaches out to take my hand in hers and squeezes it. "Thank you for listening Abby."
"Any time, really," I try to reassure her and smile at her. "Though I didn't do much."
"You listened to me. Sometimes that's the thing that helps the most."
She's right. Maybe if I had a friend back then to just talk to … who knows … everything might be different now.
"Anyway," she then says. "I should really get back to work. What about you?"
"I'm on my break," I say and check my watch. "But not for much longer."
"Enjoy it," she says while she leaves the lounge.
"Thank you. And you'll make the right decision," I call after her just as Luka enters the lounge and looks at me with a questioning look.
"What decision?" he asks as he walks over to the coffee machine and grabs himself a cup of coffee. "Girl's talk?"
I don't think Susan wants him to know. And I'd rather not talk about this right now. It reminds me too much of my own baby. And of Carter's baby … And of the fact that I'll probably never have one.
So I'm not fond of baby talk right now.
"Oh, she was just deciding on what to have for dinner."
"Right … and that's a tough decision," he says with a suspicious look on his face.
"Yep. Especially with the food they have over at the new store. I really miss Doc Magoo's. But since I'm not planning to starve – I guess I'll have to live with it. Talk to you later," I say to him over my shoulder as I move through the door, not giving him a chance to reply.
Though I know I'll go somewhere else …
***
The roof.
So many things happened here. I remember happy things and sad things.
But tonight it's just a place where I can be alone, to think.
I've been thinking a lot these past few days. I feel like I lost something – someone. But at the same time I think that how I feel is dumb. How can I miss someone who was never mine? But the illusion of it was mine. So maybe I have a right to miss it.
That's why I came here. To figure out what to do.
To watch the city – busy even by night – has a soothing effect on me. To be alone up here gives me the chance to deal with things.
But it seems like tonight I'm not the only one who had the idea to come up here as I hear the door open and someone taking a few steps towards me then stop.
I'm not sure whether to turn around. Usually people respect that you want to be alone here and leave again when they see that someone is already here. But something makes me turn around to face whoever has decided to join me.
That's when I see her.
Abby.
She's too far away and it's too dark so I can't see what she's thinking as she sees me standing here. I only know that it's her.
I don't have the right to expect her to come over to me.
I don't have the right to expect that she's still my friend – or more.
Not after all that happened.
But I want her to come over to me and I want her to be my friend – and more. But for now I just want to be able to talk to her, again.
"Abby," I call after her as she's just about to turn around to leave. "Please don't go."
She turns back around and just stands there for a moment. She's probably debating with herself whether to come over to me.
And I can't blame her.
There was a time when it was a normal that I was there to comfort her. Like she was there to comfort me. But before I went to Africa we started to grow apart. I needed time to figure out what I want, on my own. Everything was too much for me here.
It was easy to forget about everything while I was there, in Africa. But after a few months I felt I had to come back. And now that I'm here I know I belong here. And I don't ever want to leave again.
But we've grown even further apart since I returned. The other factor to our prolonged distance is that I didn't return alone. And that someone I had with me was pregnant with … I don't even want to think about it.
The point is that I haven't exactly been Abby's friend lately.
But I noticed that she's changed. It's not just the obvious – going back to med school. But it's Abby herself. She seems stronger – and she proves this further, as she makes her decision to come across to me.
"So you came up here to hide too, huh?"
She gives me a shy smile. "Yeah. I came up here to …"
" … think?" I finish her sentence. And I feel that the connection between us is not as completely lost as I feared it was. It's still there, not as strong as it once was but it's still there.
"Yeah," she says and nods. "You?"
"Same," I answer. "Want to join me? We could think together," I offer and smile at her while I pat the empty spot on the railing next to me.
She hesitates for a moment. But I'm relieved that she finally decides to join me – to gaze out across the city, in silence, with me.
"Did Kem get off okay?" she suddenly asks, still staring straight ahead at nothing in particular. I know this is not exactly what she wants to talk about. She tries to hide the fact that it hurts her. But I can tell that it does.
And she doesn't know yet … but it hurts me, too.
"Yeah," I answer shortly, not looking at her either. "She got off okay."
I can feel her turn round to look at me. "When will she be back?"
I sigh deeply before I turn to look at her. I'm not sure whether I should tell her or not. I don't want to hurt her. But I could really do with a friend to talk to.
"She's not coming back."
She raises her eyebrows, looking at me with a confused expression on her face. And then the confusion seems to turn into disappointment.
At first I am confused that she seems disappointed that Kem has left for good. I thought she might be glad. Maybe my intuition was wrong and she's really over me and doesn't love me anymore. But when she speaks again I understand.
"So you're going back?" she asks, and I think I can hear fear in her voice.
I shake my head slowly. "I'm not going back. I know where I belong now. I'm meant to be here in Chicago. Working at County."
Now she looks confused again. "What … what about the baby?" she asks carefully.
I shrug my shoulders. "Nothing," I say, staring out over the city again. "She'll have it at home – in Africa."
"And what about you? Don't you want to be with her when she gives birth? And what about your kid? Don't you want to see him?"
I sigh deeply. "That's the problem – it's not my child," I say and cover my face with my hands. I don't want her to see me like that. I don't want her to see me hurt because of another woman's child. But I know I can't hide anything from her.
"What? But I thought … ," she asks – as confused as I was when Kem told me.
"I know," I say, taking my hands off my face and looking at her. "I thought so, too. But it's not mine. She knew it from the beginning. But she wasn't sure. She had tests done here to be sure. And it's Peter's. He's her ex boyfriend in Africa."
I feel her put her arm on my back, rubbing it gently. I feel better immediately as I feel her touch. She can't take it all away – but makes it better.
"I'm sorry, John."
"Don't be. I don't have a right to be sad about anything. It's not my child."
"That's not true. You thought it was yours. So it's like you lost your own child."
I can't help but let a single tear trickle down my cheek as I hear her words.
She pulls me into her arms immediately and just holds me. "It's okay to be sad – it's okay to cry," she says soothingly and it really makes me feel better.
"I'm sorry, Abby," I say as I pull back from her after a moment. "I shouldn't bother you with my problems with Kem," I add and wipe at my eyes.
"Don't worry," she says and smiles at me reassuringly. "I'm your friend and that's what friends are for, aren't they?"
I smile back at her weakly. "You still are? I wasn't sure where we stood. We've hardly talked since I've been back."
She takes a deep breath to answer but I'm not done yet.
"Not that I blame you. After the way I left – then the letter – then the way I came back. I know I've made mistakes. But I was always hoping that you'd still be my friend. Are you?" I ask carefully, just to make sure.
She looks at me for a moment and I don't know what she's thinking before she speaks.
"It's true," she begins. "You hurt me," she sighs. "But … you're still my friend. Friendship – that's what it all started with. And I don't want to lose this. And who knows … "
"Yeah," I interrupt her before she says anything we're not ready for yet. "I don't want to lose our friendship either," I say and smile at her and she returns my smile.
Suddenly I remember that I don't know yet why she's up here.
"And you?" I ask carefully. "What brought you up here?"
She hesitates for a second. But then she decides to tell me.
"I just wanted to be alone to think, you know?"
I nod. That's exactly why I came here, too. Until she joined me. That was the moment when I preferred to be with a friend than alone. "You want to talk about it?" I ask her – not sure if she'll answer.
"I was talking to Susan and it felt just like … like everyone around me was becoming a family. Kem is pregnant … ," she begins but stops mid sentence. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have mentioned that …"
"No, it's okay," I say, smiling at her.
She smiles back at me. "Then Sandy and Su … ," she begins but stops again.
"Susan?" I ask her surprised. "She's pregnant? With Chuck?"
She nods reluctantly. "I shouldn't have told anyone. She didn't exactly say that it was a secret. But I don't think she wants everyone to know yet. It wasn't planned and she hasn't told Chuck yet."
"Don't worry, I won't tell a soul," I promise her, my smile getting wider. "And she's really going to be a Mom? Wow. She'll be great."
"Yeah," she answers, looking down to the ground now.
"But?" I ask, sensing that something is wrong with her.
"But … ," she begins and looks at me. "It made me realize that I'll never have this. A family. I blew my chances a long time ago."
I can see tears glistening in her eyes and I sense she's not only talking about us when she says this. "Wanna talk about it?" I ask her – hoping she'll say yes. We seem to be going through something similar right now – more or less – so maybe I can help her.
She's just about to say something when I notice that she's shivering. She's only wearing her thin scrubs. She probably hadn't planned on even coming up here
"Are you cold?"
She nods.
"Coffee and pie?" I ask as I take off my jacket to put it around her shoulders.
"Thank you," she says. "But Doc Magoo's isn't there anymore, you know?"
Of course I knew. But I didn't really think about it.
"We could try Ikes. It's *the* place to go." She teases, and then adds. "Come on, they make great coffee."
I begin to feel slightly out of the loop again, this is yet another way everything has moved on, changed, without me.
"They don't have pie?" I ask with a smirk.
"I'm sure they do," she answers with a smile.
"Perfect," I say as we turn towards the door to leave the roof – together.