Sydney had pressed her head by his lips and listened for a breath of
air. Her training snapping into gear, she pressed her mouth over his and
blew air slowly into his lungs, waiting and watching for his chest to rise.
Almost immediately, she pressed her fingers to his neck, praying for a
pulse. It was absent. Without much thought, she started to pound hard on
his chest, praying for his heart to stop beating. She didn't even realize
that she had called to Weiss, panic swelling in her throat.
Weiss came running in and paused slightly at the door in absolute horror. He quickly ran to Vaughn's paling body. "He's-"
"I need you to dial 911. We have to get him to the hospital."
She didn't even know how long she was breathing for him or how long it took the ambulance to get there. The world seemed to blur together and she felt like her heart was stopping along with his. Her mouth ran dry and all she could concentrate on was the fact that he was slipping through her hands and there was nothing she could do about it. It was a blur when the paramedics got there. The world started to spin when one of them literally pulled her off of him and let them take over. She didn't remember following them into the ambulance and she didn't remember pulling out her ID badge when they refused to let her come in. She couldn't recall the troubled glances the paramedic shot her when he thought she wasn't looking or the look of shock of the paramedic when Sydney uttered, "You don't understand. He's the first one that wasn't killed because of me. You can't let him go."
It was only beneficial that she didn't remember sitting in the tiny rig, with her hands clasped helpless on her lap and her eyes filling with tears. She had been trained better for this and all of that training went to hell in a hand basket. She was compartmentalizing and knew that she would never remember any of these memories. If she ever needed to, she could always do some intense training to resurface these forgotten times but then again, why would she?
"Is he your husband, ma'am?" The black hair EMT queried, his eyes jumping back and forth between the monitors watching his heartbeat and his breath and Sydney's glassy eyes. They were on their way to the US Naval Hospital. The same hospital Vaughn was held at with the dreaded virus. They were CIA affiliated.
"No." She kept her answers short and to the point. She started to wring her hands together but promptly stopped as she realized her horrid habit.
Is there anyone out there 'Cause it's getting harder and harder to breath
"Is there a primary illness here or is it completely unknown why he-"
"He has a stage three cancerous tumor in his left lung and had been undergoing intense chemotherapy for it." She drew quiet and felt her own breath playing over her lips and immediately she felt guilty, "He was diagnosed about twenty months ago. And now, he's dying."
Is there anyone out there 'Cause it's getting harder and harder to breath
"We'll take good care of him, Agent Bristow."
Like a little girl that hides her face To the monster that lives in her dreams Is there anyone out there 'Cause it's getting harder and harder to breath
She stood outside the swinging doors and promised herself that he would open his eyes. She had watched the doctors work feverishly on him, shocking his heart back to beating and they inserted a tube down his throat to protect his airway. They shouted terms in a foreign language that fell on her deaf ears. He was breathing again and his heart was beating. That the beeping of the heart monitor would never become one solid noise or stop all together. She swore to herself that she would see those beautiful green eyes that she had come to love dozens of more times and she would be able to kiss his lips and everything would be right with the world. Now, she just waited with her hand tightly clasped near her throat. He wasn't opening his eyes but he was breathing again...for now at least. The doctor said something about excess fluid gathering around the tumor. She understood it all but that wasn't where her focus was. The doctor had left the room for a moment, as he was stable for now and turned to care for another, more critical patient. One nurse, who stood barely five feet tall with short red hair, was left to monitor his vitals and make sure that all the tests were ordered.
The doctor had came out, covered in aqua blue scrubs, and spoken to her in low tones. "Mrs. Vaughn?"
She shook her head, "Sydney Bristow. I'm his-his girlfriend." She crossed her arms over her chest and studied her feet for a good long moment. "What's going on?" Her tone was level and surprisingly calm.
He inhaled deeply before replying, "Ms. Bristow, I'm Doctor Thomas Kelly. It appears that the tumor has caused some fluid build up in his lungs and around his heart. His heart developed an irregular rhythm but we managed to shock it back to normal." He nodded his head satisfactorily and waited for her to respond.
"Okay." Her brow furrowed in deep concentration. "Is he going to make it?"
The doctor nodded gravely, "It's really touch and go for right now but we are confident that if he remains stable, he should pull through this with flying colors."
"So this means that the treatment didn't work....the tumor's this large and is causing all this...the treatment's not working?"
"I'm afraid not, Ms. Bristow. It was an experimental treatment at best but I know he and Doctor Marshall were working on a more long term plan." He watched her face fall and twist into more concern. "Is there anyone I can call for you? A relative? Friend?"
She collapsed into her subconscious for a moment as she thought of who she could possible call and who could possible comfort her at this moment. "No-there's no one."
Bells, whistles and alarms started screaming out causing her jump high in the air. Her heart stopped beating as her brain racked with what was going on. She had no clue and only felt fear in her heart. She knew exactly what was going on and she quickly found herself praying that it wasn't reality.
She looked at the doctor with wide eyes and found herself saying, "He's been through so much. Don't let him die. He means the world to me." Her own voice surprised her. She didn't think she could speak if she tried. Shock was setting in deep. The world wasn't this cruel and life wasn't this much of a bitch. *No. No. No. No.*
Doctor Kelly ran into the room and started shouting anyone in the room. A flurry of activity followed. Doctors and nurses from every corner of the hospital rushed towards Vaughn's failing body and start to shock his heart again back to life. It had stopped again but wait- that wasn't the only thing wrong. The word hemorrhaging came rushing through the air. Sydney recognized that word. *Oh my G-d.*
"Type and cross eight type specific!" "Notify the OR that we're coming up!" "Get Doctor Marshall from NYU on the phone!" "Get surgery down here now! They need to know what's going on with this one!"
They burst from the trauma room and started rushing down the hallway. Her feet followed after them, her hand reached out in question. The only thing that she actually understood was something about internal bleeding. She followed, desperate for information. "What's going on?" She was surprised to hear her own voice call out.
"Come along, Ms. Bristow. We're taking him to the OR for some immediate surgery. Kate, take her up the waiting room." Dr. Kelly responded, frantically hitting the elevator button in the hallway. He tapped his feet impatiently and continued to bark instructions to the nurses standing by.
"Is this Mr. Vaughn?" Another male doctor appeared from nowhere.
"Yes!" Sydney gasped for air.
"You the wife?" He turned to her, dressed head to toe in blue scrubs. He was a handsome man that stood at her height. He was completely bald but had bright blue eyes that sparkled with the intent of surgery.
"No. I'm the girlfriend."
That seemed so trivial. *I'm a girlfriend.* Lord, that seemed like such a high school word. They had a more intimate relationship than that. He was less of a husband and more than a boyfriend. Is there a word to tell the difference? No. But there should be. She was something so much more....she wished she was his wife. She wanted to be Mrs. Vaughn. She needed to be Mrs. Vaughn. And she hated how she felt that need.
He was handed a chart and quickly signed off on it. "I'm Dr. Cason and I will be saving your boyfriend's life today. So hold on tight. This is going to be a bumpy ride. You ready?"
"Do anything to save him."
"Will do. Someone take her up to the OR waiting room!"
Never had her feet moved faster with her heart racing harder. She was ushered up the stairs and put in a sterile looking waiting room by Kate, the little red head nurse. She was left alone and felt so desolate. She looked around the room, frantic to find something to keep her attention. It was then that she saw through the large bay window, Vaughn being rushed down the hallway into the operating room. She turned back slowly, her hands reaching her hips and staying there for a moment. It was then, as she gazed upon the sterile room that she saw visions running through her mind that shook her to her core.
@@@@@
She was dressed all in black, her mother's pearls fasted on her collar bone. Her make-up was barely done with water proof mascara doting her eye lashes. Tears slide down her cheek as she reached forward and sprinkled dirt over the grave. Everyone was there from the agency and all of her friends and his friends were there too. Isabelle came with Maisie, both dressed in black from head to toe and Claire was there was a stern looking man, who introduced himself as Tom. All of his friend's were there and black cloaked them as well. She shut her eyes for a moment and felt more tears escape her eyes. She didn't hear the priest's words and she didn't have to. She knew what a wonderful man he was and how he would be missed. She didn't need to hear a man who barely knew him say it.
Will and Juliana, his beautiful wife, were there with their two children, Sophia and Joey. The two children instantly bonded with little Maisie, who was naïve to the fact that her biological mother was off somewhere in Africa and unable to come to her biological father's funeral. The three beautiful children giggled and laughed in the warm sun that had risen high in the air as people came over to Sydney to pay their respects. They had all sent flowers or food and she knew it would be a long time before she would have to really cook again. She sighed heavily as she spotted her father, who came towards her an embraced her tightly.
"When does the pain go away, Daddy?" She whispered in his shoulder.
"It takes a long time, sweetheart." He replied, talking into her hair, his own heart breaking at the sight of her. He had been in her place before and knew how much it burned. He wasn't there the first time with Danny or the second with Noah but third time's a charm and with Vaughn, he was there to dry her tears.
"It hurts so bad." She started to cry again.
"I know, sweetheart. I know."
@@@@@
She looked around at her surroundings for a little bit and settled on a uncomfortable blue upholstered chair. She propped her head up on her hands, resting on her elbows. What was toe become of her now? She didn't know what to do or where to turn. No one was there yet to comfort her and no words would be comforting. Finally, out of desperation, she started to pray to anyone that would listen.
Now that was not typical of her. She never prayed. She barely believed in a heaven or a hell. Honestly, she felt like she was living in hell sometimes. It was hard to believe in religion when her job called for her to kill people on a weekly basis. But now, she felt like the world was coming to an end and karma was a bitch. Her stomach ached so badly with sympathy pains and she felt like she was going to burst from end to end. Her heart had never hurt this much before. The fact that her lover's body was revolting against her bad her sick. The tears didn't flow easily over her cheek bones as she thought they would but the raw emotions were still there.
"Oh Sydney!" A familiar male voice sounded in triumph at finally finding the one person he was looking for in this crazy place.
She looked up slowly, startled by the voice. It was the last one that she expected to hear. "Will." She ran her hands underneath her eyes subconsciously. The tears never did come but the redness was still evident. The swelling was back and she felt like she was back at square one.
"Eric called your dad and then your dad called me to come down. He said that he got tied up with something.." His voice trailed off slowly as he looked hard at Sydney. "I'm so sorry, Syd." He walked over to her slowly and attempted to sit down beside her.
"She's getting so big." Sydney nodded tearfully at the little girl asleep in Will's arms. She sat up more and threw her body back in the chair, "Your little Sophia."
"Yeah, I'm sorry I had to bring her. Julia's working again and she's got her hands full with Joey." He laughed slightly at the thought of his precocious little boy asking every question in the world to his overworked but beautiful mother. He managed to nestle into the chair next to her and adjusted his little princess in his arms.
"Don't worry about it. You know how much I love her. She's absolutely beautiful, Will." The knot in her throat tied itself tighter as she thought about the little girl she and Vaughn had talked about. Little Lilly or Malia. Her little baby girl. Feeling like she was in too much pain, she rested her head on his shoulder, feeling the unwilling tears fill her eyes at last.
He leaned forward and kissed the top of her head, "I came as soon as I heard. How's he doing?" He took his free arm and wrapped it around her shoulders, allowing her to sink in further. When was the last time she was being held and not doing the holding?
She shrugged her shoulders and ran her hand over the sleeping child's back affectionately, "I don't know. His heart stopped beating again and they took him upstairs for surgery and-and Will-what-what-what am I going to do if he doesn't make it? I can't wake up alone tomorrow. I've done it too many times and maybe it's selfish of me but I don't want him to leave me. I don't think I will make it." She didn't know where to go or where to turn. All she knew was that her heart was breaking as his was stopping. She felt like she couldn't control her actions, even if she tried. She was too tired to try to use her training to shut down and all she wanted to do was curl into a little ball and die there. Death was now something she didn't fear and was on her mind a lot. He was dying and she felt like she was. It was all fair in love and war.
"How are you doing?" He asked, raising in eyebrows in concern.
"He's dying and there's nothing I can do about it." She admitted bluntly. "It's just like this massive-massive...I don't know where I'm going with this. He's dying and I'm sitting on my butt doing nothing."
"There's nothing you can do about it, Sydney."
"I know and that's the part I hate about it. I hate sitting on my ass and not doing a thing about it!" Her voice raised slightly and she quickly found herself being choked by the stubborn tears that refused to fall earlier.
"I know." He managed to whisper.
"We-we were talking about our future and everything-getting married and having children and at best, he'll be given twenty to twenty-four months. That's not long enough to have a marriage and raise a baby. At worse, he could be dead. He could be dead." Her voice was shaking now and she could barely say the last phrase. She gulped a lungful of air and felt it hitch in her chest. "Vaughn could be dead."
"But he's not. The doctors are working so he will be here for a long time. Don't worry, Sydney. Don't worry." He tried to say in a reassuring tone but he knew that he was failing miserably.
"It's so hard not to. Telling me not to worry is like telling me not to breathe. I've been with Vaughn and then I've been away from Vaughn and then I've been with Vaughn again and let me tell you, I like being with him better than being without him." Her voice crackled against the emotion.
He nodded in silent agreement. He knew the feeling of a broken heart too well and felt a loss of words. He was one of the lucky ones in life. He had found his love. Honestly, he loved Julia more than he ever expected to. He never meant to fall in love and fall in love so fast. Julia was this amazing woman that he worked at his job that the agency had helped get him. They felt guilty about the whole heroin drug bust fiasco and arranged a reporter job for him. (The owner of the paper owed Jack some favors. It pays to know some people sometimes.) But Julia was a reporter who had been with them since the beginning and was the first one to really welcome Will. They hit off almost immediately and became good friends. They were sitting around in Julia's new apartment, christening it with a bottle of champagne. After almost finishing the bottle, Julia reached over and kissed Will. And talk about a kiss that changed everything. Sparks immediately flew and before they knew it, they were engaged and about a nine months later, they were married. Within a year, Joey was born and four years later, Sophia was born. It had been a whirlwind ten years.
"When will everything work out for me?" She moaned in self pity but quickly caught herself. She groaned even louder and covered her face in Will's shirt. "I don't understand the way the world works. It's like, as soon as I think I'm happy-that I know I'm happy-something manages to screw me over royally. 'Let's bite Sydney in the ass' the spiteful and vindictive fates cry!"
"Okay, okay....no more Greek mythology for you, Ms. Bristow." Will managed to laugh lightly, his blue eyes sparkling for the briefest instant.
"Point well taken."
The collapsed into comfortable silence for a long time. She kept her head on his shoulder and felt like her body was falling beneath her. Somewhere a long the lines, Weiss showed up and sat beside her.
"Hiya Syd."
"Hey." She replied, her voice extremely raspy and full of emotion.
"How's it going?"
She laughed ruefully, "Life sucks."
"Yeah it does." He responded quickly.
"What time is it?" Will asked after a while, he adjusted the weight of his still sleeping daughter in his arms.
"Almost eight thirty." Weiss replied.
Someone in the middle of all of this, Julia showed up and took the very awake Sophia home, sending her condolences to Sydney. They stood up and hugged tightly. They were the only two in that room that could possible understand what Sydney was feeling. After a brief conversation in low tones, Julia left with Sophia, leaving Will, Weiss, and Sydney sitting there with fresh coffee in their paper cups.
Every once and a while, they would glance at the door and hope that there was a doctor at the door. Finally, after what felt like hours, Doctor Cason appeared at the door. "Miss Bristow?"
Her head shot up and she soon found her body being propelled forward to meet the tall standing doctor. "Yes?"
"He's out of surgery. It went well-"
"But?" She sensed something in him.
"But the treatment was 100% successful. The tumor hasn't grown in size but then again, it hasn't shrunk-"
"The treatment didn't work?" the heavy statement hit her like a mac truck.
The doctor shook his head remorsefully.
"Were you able to stop the hemorrhaging? Is he going to make it?'
The doctor smiled sadly at her eagerness and wealth of medical information. "Miss Bristow, Mr. Vaughn came out of surgery well. We managed to remove part of the tumor that we weren't able to before. In all, it was relatively successful. I don't know about the future, but I do know that he'll be up in a bit and you can see him then. For now, why don't you go down to the cafeteria and get yourself something to eat. It's nearly three in the morning."
"Doctor-"
"Miss Bristow, if I may, you won't be much good to Mr. Vaughn if you are exhausted. Go down to the cafeteria and get yourself cup of coffee and a muffin. Lois is working tonight and she makes good donuts."
She looked at him hard and then nodded softly before watching him return the gesture and walk away, his blue scrubs swaying back and forth in his stride. She turned back towards her two friends and found them standing with a look of hope and concern crossing their countenances. "I don't know." The tears were now falling free from her face as she staggered towards the two men that equally embraced her and kissed her forehead, rubbing her back saying soothing phrases. "I don't know if he's going to be okay. I want him to be okay. Oh my..." Her voice trailed off and she found herself being ushered into a nearby seat, with Will kneeling before her, holding her hands and Weiss holding her in his arms. It was just as hard on them as it was on her. Weiss was taking this particularly well, all things considering. They sat there for a while and found themselves wrapped up in silence once again. Silence was better than any word.
Of our father's love begotten 'ere the world began to be He is Alpha and Omega He the source the ending he Of that the things that have been And let future years shall be Ever more and ever more
-'Hope for Resolution'
Weiss came running in and paused slightly at the door in absolute horror. He quickly ran to Vaughn's paling body. "He's-"
"I need you to dial 911. We have to get him to the hospital."
She didn't even know how long she was breathing for him or how long it took the ambulance to get there. The world seemed to blur together and she felt like her heart was stopping along with his. Her mouth ran dry and all she could concentrate on was the fact that he was slipping through her hands and there was nothing she could do about it. It was a blur when the paramedics got there. The world started to spin when one of them literally pulled her off of him and let them take over. She didn't remember following them into the ambulance and she didn't remember pulling out her ID badge when they refused to let her come in. She couldn't recall the troubled glances the paramedic shot her when he thought she wasn't looking or the look of shock of the paramedic when Sydney uttered, "You don't understand. He's the first one that wasn't killed because of me. You can't let him go."
It was only beneficial that she didn't remember sitting in the tiny rig, with her hands clasped helpless on her lap and her eyes filling with tears. She had been trained better for this and all of that training went to hell in a hand basket. She was compartmentalizing and knew that she would never remember any of these memories. If she ever needed to, she could always do some intense training to resurface these forgotten times but then again, why would she?
"Is he your husband, ma'am?" The black hair EMT queried, his eyes jumping back and forth between the monitors watching his heartbeat and his breath and Sydney's glassy eyes. They were on their way to the US Naval Hospital. The same hospital Vaughn was held at with the dreaded virus. They were CIA affiliated.
"No." She kept her answers short and to the point. She started to wring her hands together but promptly stopped as she realized her horrid habit.
Is there anyone out there 'Cause it's getting harder and harder to breath
"Is there a primary illness here or is it completely unknown why he-"
"He has a stage three cancerous tumor in his left lung and had been undergoing intense chemotherapy for it." She drew quiet and felt her own breath playing over her lips and immediately she felt guilty, "He was diagnosed about twenty months ago. And now, he's dying."
Is there anyone out there 'Cause it's getting harder and harder to breath
"We'll take good care of him, Agent Bristow."
Like a little girl that hides her face To the monster that lives in her dreams Is there anyone out there 'Cause it's getting harder and harder to breath
She stood outside the swinging doors and promised herself that he would open his eyes. She had watched the doctors work feverishly on him, shocking his heart back to beating and they inserted a tube down his throat to protect his airway. They shouted terms in a foreign language that fell on her deaf ears. He was breathing again and his heart was beating. That the beeping of the heart monitor would never become one solid noise or stop all together. She swore to herself that she would see those beautiful green eyes that she had come to love dozens of more times and she would be able to kiss his lips and everything would be right with the world. Now, she just waited with her hand tightly clasped near her throat. He wasn't opening his eyes but he was breathing again...for now at least. The doctor said something about excess fluid gathering around the tumor. She understood it all but that wasn't where her focus was. The doctor had left the room for a moment, as he was stable for now and turned to care for another, more critical patient. One nurse, who stood barely five feet tall with short red hair, was left to monitor his vitals and make sure that all the tests were ordered.
The doctor had came out, covered in aqua blue scrubs, and spoken to her in low tones. "Mrs. Vaughn?"
She shook her head, "Sydney Bristow. I'm his-his girlfriend." She crossed her arms over her chest and studied her feet for a good long moment. "What's going on?" Her tone was level and surprisingly calm.
He inhaled deeply before replying, "Ms. Bristow, I'm Doctor Thomas Kelly. It appears that the tumor has caused some fluid build up in his lungs and around his heart. His heart developed an irregular rhythm but we managed to shock it back to normal." He nodded his head satisfactorily and waited for her to respond.
"Okay." Her brow furrowed in deep concentration. "Is he going to make it?"
The doctor nodded gravely, "It's really touch and go for right now but we are confident that if he remains stable, he should pull through this with flying colors."
"So this means that the treatment didn't work....the tumor's this large and is causing all this...the treatment's not working?"
"I'm afraid not, Ms. Bristow. It was an experimental treatment at best but I know he and Doctor Marshall were working on a more long term plan." He watched her face fall and twist into more concern. "Is there anyone I can call for you? A relative? Friend?"
She collapsed into her subconscious for a moment as she thought of who she could possible call and who could possible comfort her at this moment. "No-there's no one."
Bells, whistles and alarms started screaming out causing her jump high in the air. Her heart stopped beating as her brain racked with what was going on. She had no clue and only felt fear in her heart. She knew exactly what was going on and she quickly found herself praying that it wasn't reality.
She looked at the doctor with wide eyes and found herself saying, "He's been through so much. Don't let him die. He means the world to me." Her own voice surprised her. She didn't think she could speak if she tried. Shock was setting in deep. The world wasn't this cruel and life wasn't this much of a bitch. *No. No. No. No.*
Doctor Kelly ran into the room and started shouting anyone in the room. A flurry of activity followed. Doctors and nurses from every corner of the hospital rushed towards Vaughn's failing body and start to shock his heart again back to life. It had stopped again but wait- that wasn't the only thing wrong. The word hemorrhaging came rushing through the air. Sydney recognized that word. *Oh my G-d.*
"Type and cross eight type specific!" "Notify the OR that we're coming up!" "Get Doctor Marshall from NYU on the phone!" "Get surgery down here now! They need to know what's going on with this one!"
They burst from the trauma room and started rushing down the hallway. Her feet followed after them, her hand reached out in question. The only thing that she actually understood was something about internal bleeding. She followed, desperate for information. "What's going on?" She was surprised to hear her own voice call out.
"Come along, Ms. Bristow. We're taking him to the OR for some immediate surgery. Kate, take her up the waiting room." Dr. Kelly responded, frantically hitting the elevator button in the hallway. He tapped his feet impatiently and continued to bark instructions to the nurses standing by.
"Is this Mr. Vaughn?" Another male doctor appeared from nowhere.
"Yes!" Sydney gasped for air.
"You the wife?" He turned to her, dressed head to toe in blue scrubs. He was a handsome man that stood at her height. He was completely bald but had bright blue eyes that sparkled with the intent of surgery.
"No. I'm the girlfriend."
That seemed so trivial. *I'm a girlfriend.* Lord, that seemed like such a high school word. They had a more intimate relationship than that. He was less of a husband and more than a boyfriend. Is there a word to tell the difference? No. But there should be. She was something so much more....she wished she was his wife. She wanted to be Mrs. Vaughn. She needed to be Mrs. Vaughn. And she hated how she felt that need.
He was handed a chart and quickly signed off on it. "I'm Dr. Cason and I will be saving your boyfriend's life today. So hold on tight. This is going to be a bumpy ride. You ready?"
"Do anything to save him."
"Will do. Someone take her up to the OR waiting room!"
Never had her feet moved faster with her heart racing harder. She was ushered up the stairs and put in a sterile looking waiting room by Kate, the little red head nurse. She was left alone and felt so desolate. She looked around the room, frantic to find something to keep her attention. It was then that she saw through the large bay window, Vaughn being rushed down the hallway into the operating room. She turned back slowly, her hands reaching her hips and staying there for a moment. It was then, as she gazed upon the sterile room that she saw visions running through her mind that shook her to her core.
@@@@@
She was dressed all in black, her mother's pearls fasted on her collar bone. Her make-up was barely done with water proof mascara doting her eye lashes. Tears slide down her cheek as she reached forward and sprinkled dirt over the grave. Everyone was there from the agency and all of her friends and his friends were there too. Isabelle came with Maisie, both dressed in black from head to toe and Claire was there was a stern looking man, who introduced himself as Tom. All of his friend's were there and black cloaked them as well. She shut her eyes for a moment and felt more tears escape her eyes. She didn't hear the priest's words and she didn't have to. She knew what a wonderful man he was and how he would be missed. She didn't need to hear a man who barely knew him say it.
Will and Juliana, his beautiful wife, were there with their two children, Sophia and Joey. The two children instantly bonded with little Maisie, who was naïve to the fact that her biological mother was off somewhere in Africa and unable to come to her biological father's funeral. The three beautiful children giggled and laughed in the warm sun that had risen high in the air as people came over to Sydney to pay their respects. They had all sent flowers or food and she knew it would be a long time before she would have to really cook again. She sighed heavily as she spotted her father, who came towards her an embraced her tightly.
"When does the pain go away, Daddy?" She whispered in his shoulder.
"It takes a long time, sweetheart." He replied, talking into her hair, his own heart breaking at the sight of her. He had been in her place before and knew how much it burned. He wasn't there the first time with Danny or the second with Noah but third time's a charm and with Vaughn, he was there to dry her tears.
"It hurts so bad." She started to cry again.
"I know, sweetheart. I know."
@@@@@
She looked around at her surroundings for a little bit and settled on a uncomfortable blue upholstered chair. She propped her head up on her hands, resting on her elbows. What was toe become of her now? She didn't know what to do or where to turn. No one was there yet to comfort her and no words would be comforting. Finally, out of desperation, she started to pray to anyone that would listen.
Now that was not typical of her. She never prayed. She barely believed in a heaven or a hell. Honestly, she felt like she was living in hell sometimes. It was hard to believe in religion when her job called for her to kill people on a weekly basis. But now, she felt like the world was coming to an end and karma was a bitch. Her stomach ached so badly with sympathy pains and she felt like she was going to burst from end to end. Her heart had never hurt this much before. The fact that her lover's body was revolting against her bad her sick. The tears didn't flow easily over her cheek bones as she thought they would but the raw emotions were still there.
"Oh Sydney!" A familiar male voice sounded in triumph at finally finding the one person he was looking for in this crazy place.
She looked up slowly, startled by the voice. It was the last one that she expected to hear. "Will." She ran her hands underneath her eyes subconsciously. The tears never did come but the redness was still evident. The swelling was back and she felt like she was back at square one.
"Eric called your dad and then your dad called me to come down. He said that he got tied up with something.." His voice trailed off slowly as he looked hard at Sydney. "I'm so sorry, Syd." He walked over to her slowly and attempted to sit down beside her.
"She's getting so big." Sydney nodded tearfully at the little girl asleep in Will's arms. She sat up more and threw her body back in the chair, "Your little Sophia."
"Yeah, I'm sorry I had to bring her. Julia's working again and she's got her hands full with Joey." He laughed slightly at the thought of his precocious little boy asking every question in the world to his overworked but beautiful mother. He managed to nestle into the chair next to her and adjusted his little princess in his arms.
"Don't worry about it. You know how much I love her. She's absolutely beautiful, Will." The knot in her throat tied itself tighter as she thought about the little girl she and Vaughn had talked about. Little Lilly or Malia. Her little baby girl. Feeling like she was in too much pain, she rested her head on his shoulder, feeling the unwilling tears fill her eyes at last.
He leaned forward and kissed the top of her head, "I came as soon as I heard. How's he doing?" He took his free arm and wrapped it around her shoulders, allowing her to sink in further. When was the last time she was being held and not doing the holding?
She shrugged her shoulders and ran her hand over the sleeping child's back affectionately, "I don't know. His heart stopped beating again and they took him upstairs for surgery and-and Will-what-what-what am I going to do if he doesn't make it? I can't wake up alone tomorrow. I've done it too many times and maybe it's selfish of me but I don't want him to leave me. I don't think I will make it." She didn't know where to go or where to turn. All she knew was that her heart was breaking as his was stopping. She felt like she couldn't control her actions, even if she tried. She was too tired to try to use her training to shut down and all she wanted to do was curl into a little ball and die there. Death was now something she didn't fear and was on her mind a lot. He was dying and she felt like she was. It was all fair in love and war.
"How are you doing?" He asked, raising in eyebrows in concern.
"He's dying and there's nothing I can do about it." She admitted bluntly. "It's just like this massive-massive...I don't know where I'm going with this. He's dying and I'm sitting on my butt doing nothing."
"There's nothing you can do about it, Sydney."
"I know and that's the part I hate about it. I hate sitting on my ass and not doing a thing about it!" Her voice raised slightly and she quickly found herself being choked by the stubborn tears that refused to fall earlier.
"I know." He managed to whisper.
"We-we were talking about our future and everything-getting married and having children and at best, he'll be given twenty to twenty-four months. That's not long enough to have a marriage and raise a baby. At worse, he could be dead. He could be dead." Her voice was shaking now and she could barely say the last phrase. She gulped a lungful of air and felt it hitch in her chest. "Vaughn could be dead."
"But he's not. The doctors are working so he will be here for a long time. Don't worry, Sydney. Don't worry." He tried to say in a reassuring tone but he knew that he was failing miserably.
"It's so hard not to. Telling me not to worry is like telling me not to breathe. I've been with Vaughn and then I've been away from Vaughn and then I've been with Vaughn again and let me tell you, I like being with him better than being without him." Her voice crackled against the emotion.
He nodded in silent agreement. He knew the feeling of a broken heart too well and felt a loss of words. He was one of the lucky ones in life. He had found his love. Honestly, he loved Julia more than he ever expected to. He never meant to fall in love and fall in love so fast. Julia was this amazing woman that he worked at his job that the agency had helped get him. They felt guilty about the whole heroin drug bust fiasco and arranged a reporter job for him. (The owner of the paper owed Jack some favors. It pays to know some people sometimes.) But Julia was a reporter who had been with them since the beginning and was the first one to really welcome Will. They hit off almost immediately and became good friends. They were sitting around in Julia's new apartment, christening it with a bottle of champagne. After almost finishing the bottle, Julia reached over and kissed Will. And talk about a kiss that changed everything. Sparks immediately flew and before they knew it, they were engaged and about a nine months later, they were married. Within a year, Joey was born and four years later, Sophia was born. It had been a whirlwind ten years.
"When will everything work out for me?" She moaned in self pity but quickly caught herself. She groaned even louder and covered her face in Will's shirt. "I don't understand the way the world works. It's like, as soon as I think I'm happy-that I know I'm happy-something manages to screw me over royally. 'Let's bite Sydney in the ass' the spiteful and vindictive fates cry!"
"Okay, okay....no more Greek mythology for you, Ms. Bristow." Will managed to laugh lightly, his blue eyes sparkling for the briefest instant.
"Point well taken."
The collapsed into comfortable silence for a long time. She kept her head on his shoulder and felt like her body was falling beneath her. Somewhere a long the lines, Weiss showed up and sat beside her.
"Hiya Syd."
"Hey." She replied, her voice extremely raspy and full of emotion.
"How's it going?"
She laughed ruefully, "Life sucks."
"Yeah it does." He responded quickly.
"What time is it?" Will asked after a while, he adjusted the weight of his still sleeping daughter in his arms.
"Almost eight thirty." Weiss replied.
Someone in the middle of all of this, Julia showed up and took the very awake Sophia home, sending her condolences to Sydney. They stood up and hugged tightly. They were the only two in that room that could possible understand what Sydney was feeling. After a brief conversation in low tones, Julia left with Sophia, leaving Will, Weiss, and Sydney sitting there with fresh coffee in their paper cups.
Every once and a while, they would glance at the door and hope that there was a doctor at the door. Finally, after what felt like hours, Doctor Cason appeared at the door. "Miss Bristow?"
Her head shot up and she soon found her body being propelled forward to meet the tall standing doctor. "Yes?"
"He's out of surgery. It went well-"
"But?" She sensed something in him.
"But the treatment was 100% successful. The tumor hasn't grown in size but then again, it hasn't shrunk-"
"The treatment didn't work?" the heavy statement hit her like a mac truck.
The doctor shook his head remorsefully.
"Were you able to stop the hemorrhaging? Is he going to make it?'
The doctor smiled sadly at her eagerness and wealth of medical information. "Miss Bristow, Mr. Vaughn came out of surgery well. We managed to remove part of the tumor that we weren't able to before. In all, it was relatively successful. I don't know about the future, but I do know that he'll be up in a bit and you can see him then. For now, why don't you go down to the cafeteria and get yourself something to eat. It's nearly three in the morning."
"Doctor-"
"Miss Bristow, if I may, you won't be much good to Mr. Vaughn if you are exhausted. Go down to the cafeteria and get yourself cup of coffee and a muffin. Lois is working tonight and she makes good donuts."
She looked at him hard and then nodded softly before watching him return the gesture and walk away, his blue scrubs swaying back and forth in his stride. She turned back towards her two friends and found them standing with a look of hope and concern crossing their countenances. "I don't know." The tears were now falling free from her face as she staggered towards the two men that equally embraced her and kissed her forehead, rubbing her back saying soothing phrases. "I don't know if he's going to be okay. I want him to be okay. Oh my..." Her voice trailed off and she found herself being ushered into a nearby seat, with Will kneeling before her, holding her hands and Weiss holding her in his arms. It was just as hard on them as it was on her. Weiss was taking this particularly well, all things considering. They sat there for a while and found themselves wrapped up in silence once again. Silence was better than any word.
Of our father's love begotten 'ere the world began to be He is Alpha and Omega He the source the ending he Of that the things that have been And let future years shall be Ever more and ever more
-'Hope for Resolution'