She sighed heavily and looked next to her to find him sleeping next to her. Her white comforter was pulled around her body tightly but her bare shoulders were exposed as she rested on part of his chest. She shifted quietly and watched the sleeping angel next to her. She lifted her head up slightly just to watch him sleep. She was so content right now and all she wanted to do was stay there for the rest of her life. She wished the world would stop turning and all she would do was stay here for the rest of her life. For the rest of their lives. Last night was the first time that they had been together since she had 'found' him at the hotel. She watched the way his body moved up and down with every breath and how beautiful his bare chest was. G-d, she loved him.
His eyes lazily opened and he was pulled out of his dreams. "Hey you." His speech was soft and raspy. His eyes fluttered slightly as he tried to awake slowly.
"Hey you yourself." She grinned back, running her hand under his cheekbone. His skin felt soft and cool beneath her icy fingertips. It was nice to feel his skin at normal temperature as oppose to the fever ridden state. "How are you feeling, babe?" There was a soft, peaceful calm that was drifting through the air and settled on their lazy feeling beings. She sighed contently and realized how much she missed him before.
This was just the way it was. After the first time they had been together, they were laying there with the warm morning sun beating down on their bare backs. They had laughed and joked.
"How are we ever going to stay awake today?" She had asked, feeling a laziness possess her that she hadn't felt in a while.
"Who cares?" He had replied, stifling a yawn. A lopsided grin spread slowly over his face as he laughed lightly and started to play with her feet beneath the comforter.
But that was then and they were in a very new reality. Time had moved quicker now as they realized it was more precious. His time frame had been shortened and they realized that they had to live each day to its absolute fullest or life would never work. He knew there would be one day that he wouldn't wake up but found himself caring less and less. Ironically, they found themselves talking about having a baby more and more. It was an easy conversation center and it was something fun to talk about over morning coffee and scones.
"I love waking up next to you." He replied turning towards her and smiling as he kissed lightly. "I wouldn't trade it for anything else in the world." He kissed her again. "I don't think I tell you that enough." One more kiss.
"No, you don't." She replied, smiling into the last one. "I think you could tell me I'm beautiful more." She spoke up again, dramatically pouting. "I was starting to believe that I-"
"What? Beautiful?" Vaughn cut in, his eyes finally lighting up with the spirit they had been void of for so long. "Fine, fine. You're beautiful Al……..no, no wait, You're beautiful Jen-come to think of it; what was your name again?" Vaughn wrinkled his brow in false puzzlement. "There are have been so many women floating in and out of here, I just can't keep them straight anymore." He pursed his lips in frustration but quickly found himself smiling.
She punched him in the arm as she sat up, bringing the top sheet up to cover herself, "Not even funny, Mr. Vaughn." She continued to get to her feet, wrapping the eggshell colored top sheet around her body as her body slowly towards the bathroom. "And just for that little comment, I get to the shower first. No hot water for Michael Vaughn. No hot water for Michael Vaughn." She said in a high pitch sing song-y voice.
"Not fair!" He shouted from the bed, smiling at the ceiling. "So not fair."
"I got news for you!" She shouted from the depths of the bathroom.
"What's that?" He picked his head up in actual interest.
"It so is!" She shrieked, laughing all the way.
@@@@@
"Sweetheart, I know you. You're holding all of this in and one of these days, you're going to give into it all and then not be able to function. I need you to stay strong." Jack replied taking a slow sip of his cooling coffee. He was trying to pry the information out of her that he knew was eating her alive inside. They were sitting on a park bench one sunny afternoon.
The day was cool and Sydney was 'bundled' up with a long sleeved shirt and a fashionable scarf draped around her neck. Her feet were covered in simple blue sneakers and her hair was pulled back with a claw clip. She took a sip of her hazelnut coffee and shrugged her shoulders, "Dad, I'm fine. We're all going to be fine. Don't worry. I think Vaughn and I do that enough for the rest of the human population. I'm fine-really. We're happy and trying to live everyday as best as possible. We're fine, Dad. Really." She took a slow sip of her coffee, feeling the hot liquid pass over her lips.
Jack shook his head remorsefully, "I wish I could believe you but everyone at the office has noticed that you've been distracted lately." He spoke slowly and chose his words carefully.
She paused for a moment and knew that she had to say the right thing. Of course, she knew she hadn't been the same since Vaughn had left. There was something that had changed drastically in her attitude. "Wouldn't you be too if you were in my shoes? Think about it. It's been a month since Vaughn was rushed to the hospital and it's been guess and check since then. The treatment didn't work, so we're basically beating the clock. I never know when I'm going to wake up and find him not waking up with me." She looked away and felt her eyes rest on the playground and see the little children playing and screaming there. Her free hand subconsciously found its way to her abdomen and rested there. Catching herself, she moved her hand to the other side of the coffee cup. "It's a scary world."
"Yes it is." He paused for a moment but long enough for Sydney to jump in.
"Look at what we do everyday. There's no sanity in that at all." She laughed ruefully at her own life. Look at what she did. Look at who she knew. Look at the man she loved. Look at her family! It was a joke, a sick lie that the universe was playing with her. *'Let's screw Sydney Bristow by any means possible!' those cruel and spiteful fates cry!*
"I never thought I would see the day that I would be sitting on a park bench with my daughter drinking coffee and discussing what I really do for a living." His voice was barely audible and even he couldn't believe what he was saying.
This was clearly evident on his daughter's face. She had turned to look at him and was completely puzzled by this. Jack Bristow was actually showing emotion. "I've been having this dream lately. Almost every night now, actually. I'm sitting in one of those big seat swings and there's a little girl curled up in my lap, reading a children's book aloud. Little Maisie, I told you about Maisie, well, Maisie's playing off in the distance, dancing and singing. It's then that I realize that the little girl in my lap is my daughter-she's mine and Vaughn's. But the reality is, Dad, that if Vaughn and I were to have a baby, he would barely see her reach her first birthday."
Jack adjusted his weight uncomfortably. He didn't know what to say about any of it. He cleared his throat loudly as he tried to get his thoughts in order. "Well, Sydney-"
She put her hand on his and smiled reassuringly, "Dad, it's okay. I don't need you to say anything. I understand. This is new territory for me, too." She looked at him and tried to smile.
"Sweetheart-"
"No, Dad. It's really okay." She answered again.
He shook his head, "Let me get this out, Sydney." He replied in that no nonsense tone. His eyes betrayed this steely tone though, "There is nothing that would make me happier in the world than to be a grandfather. Any child of yours would be the most beautiful child in the world. Second only to you, that is." He paused as he waited to further collect his thoughts, "Granted, she would have your temper, which you inherited from me and your stubborn streak, which is the fault of your mother." He chuckled lightly as he took another sip of coffee. "Between all of that from you and the strong will from Mr. Vaughn, your little girl would always get her way."
Sydney smiled in absolute disbelief at her father's paternal side. Her mouth seemed to gap open and all she could do was nod her head numbly. Her father had never complimented her or told her how she resembled him or Irinia.
"You've thought of names, haven't you?" Jack replied to his daughter's bewildered look. He smiled again, a foreign emotion casting over his face. Now don't get me wrong, Jack loved to smile but he rarely had an occasion to smile.
"Malia or Lily. I don't know. Maybe even Charlotte or Jacqueline." She shrugged, still in absolute shock of the conversation. "Jacob or Aiden maybe for a boy. Or James. I don't know."
"Good strong names. "
Sydney shrugged wit a small smile. "I suppose. I haven't really thought about it that much. I just keep thinking that I'll have to leave the Agency if I do have a baby."
"And then you'll get to be a school teacher. You've been wanting to do that ever since you were little." He continued on with his fantasy of his daughter's perfect life as he had envisioned it on the day she was born.
"Yeah." She sighed, reminiscing of an easier time.
But the steely Jack Bristow was lost in a day dream of memories that surrounded him like a warm blanket on a cold winter's eve. He was wrapped in its chill and its heartache. He saw his little girl, pigtails and all and her sweet smile and her unconditional love and her salty clear tears. "You used to stand in your room and prop up all your stuffed animals…."
......
"Okay, everybody. We went over this yesterday! Who is the bad guy in the THREE LITTLE PIGS? What? Who said the BIG BAD WOLF? It was you Oinkie! Then you get a sticker!" Five year old Sydney proclaimed to her bedroom full of stuffed animals setting on her bed. She had an oversized book in her hand and a roll of stickers in the other. Her brunette hair was pulled back in a little pony tail and it waggled in the wake of her shaking head.
She didn't know of the two sets of eyes smiling down at their little daughter. Jack stood, his arm wrapped around his beautiful wife, Laura, in the doorway. "She's just like you, Laur."
Laura laughed a light reply. "She told me she wanted to be an English teacher. I can't say that I'm unhappy."
"She'll be an English professor. She's too bright for anything less!" Jack proclaimed a little too loudly.
The little five year old's attention was jerked away from her little school. "Daddy!" She exclaimed impatiently, "Miss Suze said that you need to be quiet during school and you and Mommy are talking. That means you get your name on the board. Don't make me give you a check next to your name or else I'll call your Mommy and Daddy and set up a confeinerance."
"Conference, Sydney." Laura corrected quickly.
The frustrated girl through up her hands in aggravation, "Set up a conference with your Mommy and Daddy!"
………
"Yeah, I know. How wonderful would that be? I could be an English teacher but-"
"There are no 'buts' in this conversation, Sydney." The stern tone started to resurface in his tone.
"But he might not make it to see the New Year." She replied and at that moment, it felt like she had been smacked in the face with a piece of asphalt. "I can't be a single mom."
"I would be here for you. You wouldn't have to go through this alone. You have me, Mr. Weiss, Tippin, and Julia, and Francie."
"Why are you being so supportive about this?" She asked suspiciously, her eyes brows raising slightly in concern.
Jack sighed rather contently as he revealed a deep layer beneath his frozen exterior. "I want you to be happy and I know that if Vaughn does one day pass on, then you will have someone here that can keep a part of him alive. You'll have a baby. You were my piece of Laura after that whole fiasco." He reached his paper cup up to his mouth and took another sip.
"But you avoided me like the plague after Mom 'died.'"
"It wasn't because of the reason you think, Sydney."
"Then why was it?" She followed quickly.
He sighed heavily and looked over the playground, "It's because I wanted to know what really happened to your mother. I knew something wasn't right. I dedicated myself to finding out about her death and in the process, I lost you. I never meant to. It just happened. I never stopped loving you, sweetheart. I just got caught up in finding the truth about your mother. That's why I tried to get you the best. I got you the best nannies, sent you to the best schools, made sure you had the best clothes. I wanted to provide you with everything that would make up for what I couldn't give. I regret losing you, Sydney. I never wanted to."
She bathed herself in the sunlight as her father's words sunk in, "I know, Dad. I love you too." She sighed and closed her eyes once more before slowly opening them and looking at her watch and sighing again. "It's 2:30 already? I have to get going. Appointment."
"Ah." Jack replied in a professional tone. "Call me when you get home? I want to make sure you got home safely."
"I always do, Dad." She stood and kissed him on his forehead. It had become their habit to talk to each other on the phone at least once a day, regardless if they saw each other during the day.
"So, Doctor Craig, is it possible? I mean, do I have a chance?" Sydney asked as she finished pressing out the imaginary wrinkles from her jacket and taking her purse in her hand.
"Well," the white hair doctor replied as he leaned deep into his chair, "we'll do some blood work and keep a close monitor on all of your levels and keep our fingers crossed. Unless you want to do something more drastic-"
"No." She replied hastily and avoided his eye contract. She started to concentrate on the frame sitting near the edge of the mahogany desk. There were three shining faces, his, his daughter's and his granddaughter's. What she wouldn't give to have a daughter. She felt her body ache with want and need.
"Well, then, we'll monitor your levels but Sydney, I don't want you to get your hopes up. You've sustained creditable injuries and a massive build up of scar tissue. It could be very difficult for you and Mr. Vaughn." Doctor Craig nodded.
"Okay." Sydney replied, trying desperately to hide the disappointment in her voice as she thanked the doctor and walked out the door, fighting her emotions.
"Sydney, I didn't say it wasn't possible but I don't want you to get your hopes it. There are always more options and I can give you some hand-outs-" He immediately went to grab a series of brochures that had pictures of beautiful women with smiling babies on top.
She swallowed hard and nodded her head, "He has no idea about any of this. I want to talk to him before we do anything further." She looked at him and smiled, "I'll go for that blood test and then we'll take things from there." There was no arguing. End of story.
The doctor opened his mouth but decided against it and smiled, "Very well. See you in six weeks. I'll be in touch."
"Thank you." Sydney gathered herself and walked silently out the office, leaving the doctor behind. She closed the door solidly behind her and walked slowly down the hallway.
Time and time again I've said that I don't care
That I'm immune to gloom, that I'm hard through
and through
But every time it matters all my words desert me
So anyone can hurt me--and they do
So what happens now?
She felt like she had been punched in the stomach as she entered the waiting room, full of happy women with normal lives. How she hated them at that moment. Well, not all of them. Only the three that were pregnant. She had read the reports and seen the pictures. It was almost impossible for her to have a baby. That was the final blow. It was bad enough that she barely had a normal life and that the man she loved was dying but now, she couldn't even have a child with him.
She knew she had to get out of there and fast. The sterile smell of the pink little room made her sick and she felt numb with nausea in a flash. Her eyes locked on the door and she quickly made her way out. She would surely break down soon and no one would understand. Her feet treaded softly out of the stone building and she suddenly stopped. Fresh air overpowered her and she felt weak. Now, she had never been a depressed person before but she had found her breaking point and so far past that……..she was done.
She lost her mother.
She lost her fiancé.
She was a double agent.
She was lied to for years.
She fell in love with the one man she couldn't have.
She reconnected with her father.
She killed another man she loved.
She lied to her friends.
She found her dead mother.
She lost the man she truly loved.
She found him again, only to be faced with losing him.
She might never have a child.
She could be alone.
Her car was sitting right in front of her and her hands had already dug into her pocket for her keys. She just needed to go home. But she continued to stand in that spot, her eyes welling with tears. Slowly and reverently she made her way towards her car, with the most physical effort possible. Her keys slid into the ignition and before turning the car on, her hands dropped to her lap. The tears started to course down her face, burning at her perfect colored flesh and turning it crimson. This world was too much for her and all she could do was break.
AN: I hope I didn't make you cry too much! I have two more chapters and then we're done with SHIVA'S FIRE. If you're interested, I compiled a song list…kinda Shiva's Fire soundtrack, if you will. If you're interested, lemme know and I'll post it!
Look for an update on 12/15 and the final chapter 12/22!! I'll also post a preview to my upcoming story, True Life!
Yours Always,
TheUptownGirl