Okay, one more chapter to go! The lyrics are from Kelly Clarkson's "Low" If I get enough of a response, I'll post the SHIVA'S FIRE soundtrack…yes, I created a soundtrack to my story….lemme know if you're interested!
"Hey babe?" he called one particular bad day. He was lying out on the couch, eating popcorn and watching a terribly boring movie on the television. He was tired and he was weak but he really didn't care. His body had grown weak to the point that going on long walks seemed like a thing of the past and going to the gym was absolutely out of the question. His social life, however, was better than ever. He and Sydney were constantly entertaining. And he loved it. He loved seeing the super spy that she was being so domestic. She cooked five course meals with absolute perfection as he sat at the round table reading the recipe aloud. His voice had grown raspy but there were more and more days that were good, rather than bad. And when those bad days did come, he would lay in bed or on the couch with Sydney wrapped in his arms. They caught up on all the movies that they had missed all those years. Books that were always put on the "to do list" were suddenly being picked up and finished within days. He suddenly found himself sharing the love of literature that she had loved for so long.
She walked into the living room, holding a glass of ice water in one hand and three orange pills in the other. "Doctor says to take these every six hours. Go ahead." She padded closer to him and transferred the medicine to his chilled hand.
He took it willingly and quickly slide the pills with the cool water down his throat.
Satisfied with him, she took the glass back and set it down on the nearby end table. Her free hand went to her hip, covered in winter white pants, "What did ya need, hun?" A small smile started to play on her lips. She knew it was nothing serious or else he would have called her something other than 'babe' and plus the tone in his voice revealed that he had good news or wanted to talk about something.
He set the book down on his lap and looked at her hard. The soft cover of the book fell limp on his lap. His tired eyes flickered with excitement. She smiled and sat down on the floor in front of him, resting her chin on his knees. He looked away from her and concentrated thoughtfully on the book, absentmindedly stroking her hair and face.
"What are you thinking about?" She asked lightly. An even bigger smile started to etch out on his face and she curled up closer to wait for his reply. He looked towards her and leaned down to kiss her gently. She smiled into it and relished in the way his lips felt against hers.
He broke away from her and a lopsided smile that her knees go weak His eyes drifted away from hers a little bit and he watched the beautiful little black cat slink into the room. He watched her every movement, his little dancer in the dark. "That's some cat you got there, lady." He joked slightly.
Confused, she turned to follow his sight line and saw Shiva strut in from the bedroom. "Ah." She sighed and laughed. "My little diva's back from her nap. I swear, that is the most spoiled cat in the world." She curled her arm around and rested her forearm against the sofa and rested her head there. She had been feeling very fatigued lately and couldn't put a finger on why. She knew she worried too much and that was probably wearing her down. Yes, that was all it was……right?
He started to run his hands through her hair as he watched the cat dance along the wall. "Weiss told me my little baby's fluent in French."
Sydney quickly picked her head up and looked at Vaughn in absolute terror before groaning loudly. "He told you that?" Just as fast, she pushed her head deep into the fabric and moaned in sheer mortification. "Oh my gosh!"
"He tells me everything, Syd." He laughed slightly and shook his head in disbelief. But slowly, something registered. Something that he hadn't thought about for a long time. It had been a few weeks since Weiss and he had gone out to a local burger place and had a long conversation about everything and anything. He took a moment. "I know about the pills."
She couldn't say anything. She just straightened up, looking away. "He told you about that?" There was no trace of emotion in her voice. Her brow knitted in anger and resentment. A secret had been betrayed. She couldn't look at him because she knew she would do something brash if she did. "How much do you know?"
"I know all of it-I think. Pain killers? To be going out on missions high on pain killers? Oh my G-d, Sydney." He covered his face with his hands. "Oh my G-d. You could've been killed." His voice was surprisingly steady but still revealed his absolute disbelief. His eyes betrayed his calm exterior and revealed his true shocked interior.
"But I wasn't. I never went on a mission when I was talking pills." She turned to face him and watched him look away from her skeptically. "Really Vaughn. I would never risk my life to that extent. But when I got home-when I got home- It was just easier to deal with things sometimes but taking them. They would knock me out and I would sleep for a change. Do you know how many nights I spent just lying in bed, wondering what went wrong with us? I mean, honestly, Vaughn. You have no clue the heartbreak you put me through. I died inside the day you slammed that door."
"Don't you dare spin this on me." He managed to hiss.
She paused slightly and then got to her feet and crossed her arms over her chest and turned away slightly. "He doesn't even know the whole thing." Her tone was soft and hurt. She was like a wounded swan, cowering.
He sat up a little bit and looked at her hard and managed to speak in soothing tones, "Then tell me the whole thing, Syd."
Have you ever been low?
Have you ever had a friend that let you down so?
When the truth came out
Were you the last to know?
Were you left out in the cold?
What you did was low
No I don't need your number
There's nothing left to say
'Cept I never thought it'd hurt this much to be safe
My friends are outside waiting
I've gotta go
She bit down on her lip hard and started to pace slightly, "It hurt me so much when you left. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know that I could be in that place. To be hurt that badly at this age and oh my gosh, Vaughn. I went days and days without sleeping. I started to drink. Not heavily but one glass of wine wouldn't work anymore, so then I moved to two and then four and suddenly, I was downing six glasses of wine every night and passing out on the sofa only to get up and go save the world with a hang-over!" She threw her hands up in the air in aggravation. "But I-I don't know how it happened. I just remember finding the pills while I was looking for something else and then suddenly, suddenly I made a conscious decision to take them and I slept so good for the first time since that door slammed." She stopped and pointed to the door and watched it, her eyes glowing slightly. She saw the door slamming all over again, " And then suddenly, it became so much easier to just swallow one or two pills and go to sleep and just be there and be in such a peaceful sleep." She let her arm drop. Her body hung in the air for a few moments and she felt like she being smothered.
"Are you still taking the pills?" He asked coldly. His green eyes held no emotion and he was all business at the moment. He had no love in his voice and had propped himself up against the couch, a great deal of energy exerted to give her those cold looks. She couldn't take it anymore and turned away from him decidedly, picking Shiva up into her arms. He didn't hear an answer promptly and hissed, "Sydney, are you still taking the pills?"
"No." She finally answered, the emotion drenching her voice and threatening to choke her.
"What stopped you?"
She kissed the little black creature and held her close to her body, her back still to Vaughn. "I had them in my mouth and I had a bottle of wine in my hand. I was debating what would happen if I took the two of them together and then-she jumped into my lap would of nowhere and just sat there. That's when I threw the pills away and poured all the open wine down the sink." She kissed Shiva again and set her down. She swallowed a lump in her throat and turned back. She shrugged her shoulders. "That's it." Her tone screamed desperation and she didn't know if she wanted forgiveness but she wanted something from him. She felt like he owed her some sort of comment to her ordeal. She pushed her emotions down her throat like she had done so many other times and was able to look at him without breaking down.
"That's it?"
"That's. It." She punctuated each word and nodded her head in agreement. She sighed heavily and wanted to walk away but knew she couldn't. She was the weakest she had ever been for ten months and if that didn't kill her, no bullet ever would.
He looked away from her and shook his head in disbelief as everything registered. He scoffed slightly as he went through each piece of information and finally came to a realization, "If you ever, ever do that again, I will not hesitate to tell our superiors, send you for treatment, or leave you."
And that was it. That was the last time they discussed anything even related to the pills. She didn't walk to talk about her moment of weakness and he didn't want to talk about the fact that she fell so low without him. He couldn't believe that she fell so fast without him there to pick up the pieces. He knew that she worked in such a high pressure job and that she needed someone so desperately in her life to keep her stable. She was unstable without him.
So, life got back to normal or as normal as things got. Sydney had taken a lighter case load and was able to be home more often. Very few missions for the now renowned CIA analyst. She was content with a desk job and Vaughn had been with the company so long that they had no problem giving him an extremely light caseload. He worked mentoring younger agents that were having a difficult time coping with the new demands of the job. He was perfect at it.
Sydney was busy in the kitchen, humming happily as she prepared a wonderful meal for the two of them for dinner. Time had been flying by and it was now nearly three months since her doctor's appointment Her blood work showed good signs of what she hoped for and as recent as two weeks ago, she had another test. She didn't tell Vaughn everything and she didn't think that she needed to. She almost wanted this to be a surprise. But as she pre-heated the oven to put the chicken in, the phone rang. She darted towards it, picking it up with her spare hand as she continued to chop vegetables. "Hello?" She rested the black portable phone on her left shoulder.
A soft male voice came over the receiver and she almost recognized it, "Yes, good evening. May I please speak with Miss Sydney Bristow?"
"Yes, this is she." Her tone was still very distracted as she chopped the bright orange carrots finely.
"Ah, Sydney. It's Doctor Craig. I'm glad I caught you." He happily chirped. "Are you available to come down to the office now?"
She stopped chopping and adjusted the phone from her shoulder, setting down her knife silently. "Is something wrong? I mean, I have my hands full right now-can't you just tell me on the phone." Absolute dread started to fill her and her legs felt weak beneath her. She gripped the countertop until her fingertips were drained of their blood supply and turned white. Her heart started to pound loudly in her chest and she tried to listen with all of her might but found it increasingly difficult with the adrenaline pumping through her veins.
The was silence on the other end as Sydney's stomach tightened hard as she waited with abated breath. "Well……I just wanted to say to you in person."
She tried not to plead desperately but found an emotion ripping through her voice, "Doctor Craig, you can just tell me over the phone."
"Well, then…….Sydney, I have good news for you." She held her breath and gripped the phone tighter and the countertop even harder. "I just got the results from your blood test-congratulations, Sydney, you're pregnant."
She didn't know what to say. That was the last thing in the world that she ever thought would be said. Her voice dropped, feeling absolute disbelief take over her, "I'm what?"
A light laugh filled her ears, "Sydney……..you are going to be a mother. You're last blood test confirmed it. Congratulations." The doctor's smile was audible through the phone.
Sydney felt like she was walking on air and had been punched in the stomach hard. "Oh-I-thank-thank you, Doctor." She let out a breath that she barely realized that she was holding. Her legs felt like jell-o and nearly buckled beneath her. She didn't know that adrenaline felt like this in this way. She was going to be a mother.
Oh my G-d.
"I'll see you in about three weeks for a check-up? My office will call you and set up an appointment. Congratulations again, Sydney. You're going to make a wonderful mother."
She remembered at that moment that she had vocal cards and needed to speak, "Thank-thank you. Good-bye." Having a total out of body experience, she clicked off the portable phone and set it down on the cool black counter top. Her mind was absolutely racing with ideas and reality. She felt the adrenaline pump hard through her veins and she had to tell Vaughn but she wasn't sure how to put it. She wasn't even sure how far along she was.
"Who was that, babe?" Vaughn called, his voice still slightly raspy, from the other room. He was sitting at the dining room table with his laptop typing away on a new report that he needed to get in by the end of the week.
With her eyes still wide, she walked slowly into the living room, unable to from a coherent sentence. Subconsciously, her hand flew down to her hips. She honestly didn't know how to say this. How do you tell the love of your life-your boyfriend-not even your husband-that you were pregnant but it was something that you both wanted or at least, she knew that she wanted and her thoughts weren't even making sense and goodness-
Vaughn had perked up considerably and now looked to Sydney with an expectant face. He learned that there were two types of phone calls. A good one, bringing good news and a bad one, bringing bad news. His titled his head to the side as he waited for her to speak. "Syd? Everything okay?"
"Yeah." She managed to stammer and continued to walk over to the couch. G-d. Oh my G-d. Oh my G-d.
"What's going on, Syd? You're scaring me." His brow quickly wrinkled in concern and he closed the monitor and swung his legs around to face her, resting his arm against the back of the chair.
A smile big and wide started to etch across her face, "I'm pregnant." She finally managed to say. Unbelieving, she looked down at her toned stomach as though a baby would appear within minutes. She felt her heart beat widely and she couldn't believe anything that was going on.
"You're what?" He replied, laughing in disbelief. His hands overlapped hers and his eyes bounced back and forth between their hands and her eyes. Slowly, his hands moved to her hips and his eyes grew even wider as he examined her stomach.
"We're gonna have a baby!" She managed to cry, joy filling her heart at last as the thought finally registered in her brain. Her eyes were wide and she felt the tears spring to them. "We're gonna have a baby!"
"We're gonna have a baby!" He repeated, his eyes mirroring his girlfriend's. His mouth grew dry and he felt like his brain was swelling in his brain. All they could do was laugh and hug and cry at the thought of a baby. "But how?"
"You know how!" She started to laugh uncontrollably and knelt down in front of him, pressing her forehead against his and smiled widely.
"No I mean, how? The doctor said-" The smile jumped from her face to and he just starred into her eyes with the most excitement he had ever felt.
"The doctor was wrong." She sat back on her haunches and looked at him, memorizing his face. She found a more serious tone, still full of disbelief, "We're going to have a baby!"
He couldn't remember a time when he was this happy, "We're going to have a baby."
"Do you want another one?" She reached over her chest and offered the big white box to him as they laid on the bedroom, starring up at the ceiling. She felt so thoroughly sick and the gritty taste in her mouth was not making her feel any better.
He groaned softly and took the cardboard box still partially wrapped in plastic wrap and grabbed one of the saltine crackers. He took a bite of it and felt the dry, salty cracker dissolve in his mouth. But didn't dissolve the nausea that the two of the them both were experiencing, "This sucks."
"Says the one with the larger than life vocabulary." She grinned softly and rested her hands on her swelling stomach. "This better be worth it."
He titled his head against the cotton white pillow cases, "Well, unless she's a little brat-"
"I seriously doubt that she's-wait-are you convinced we're having a girl?" She giggled softly but stopped as a fresh wave of nausea crashed over her and burned her throat, already raw from the acid from her stomach. She fought violently against it, croaking, "What if we're having a boy?"
He was fighting his own waves of nausea as well, "We're having a girl. I'm convinced of it. I promise you, that baby in your stomach giving you all this grief is a girl." He closed his eyes and stayed like that for a long time. "She's going to be wonderful. Smart and pretty and I will not let her date until she thirty and I swear to if a boy so much as looks at my baby, he will be dead before he can even blink."
Sydney started to laugh again and turned towards him, a crumb still evident on her lips.
He glanced over at her and turned back to starring at the ceiling, "You think I'm kidding? Do not tempt a man that knows over a dozen way to kill a someone. Do not tempt me, Sydney Bristow. I will kill any man that approaches our little girl." He choked suddenly and sat up with such force that the blood rushed around in his head and was instantly dizzy. He swayed slightly as arched his back over and hung his head low. Sydney followed, at a slower pace, and rubbed his back soothingly, "This better be worth it." He cursed as he leaned forward further to hide his face in his hands. He hated this feeling more than anything and knew that his stomach was completely empty of all contents. He had continued to receive chemotherapy treatment in hope that it would help shrink the tumor even a little bit. Combined with Sydney's morning sickness, the two of them spent much of her first and part of her second trimester mornings in bed, eating saltines and waiting for their bouts to pass. Weiss had joked and bought them HIM and HER big yellow bowls for undisclosed usage…….They were bright yellow and had neon orange lettering on them. Just looking at them made the pair sick.
She rested her head on his shoulder and kissed the sticky skin. Her tone was soft and calming. "It will be. You'll be around to see our daughter grow up and be wonderful." She continued to rub circles on his back in a soothing way. "It'll be worth it. For both of us."