Warnings: random weirdness and Kubo-chan being asexual and English is not my first languge ^_^
Figuring Out
by akai megami
" I'm angry !" I shouted, coming into the appartement and slamming the door shut behind me so hard the hinges yelped with the force.
Kubota gave me a puzzled look from his spot on the couch, where he was sitting comfortably, dressed in a half-unbuttoned shirt and strangely short khakis, barely reaching his mid-calf, reading, as one would expect or rather, since I'd interrupted him, cradling the book in his hands. I could recognize it already, `The forbidden colors`, again, either that or Klaus Mann in original German that was not any better, may I say, from what I heard. Why did he always have to read about gay men ? It was making me flinch in nervousseness lately, whenever he was close, making me wonder, if he was... just add Matsubara to his unhealthy interests and there you have it, I live with a gay guy, hell, I share a bed with a gay guy, I get hugged a lot by a gay guy and you know what ? I don't give a damn, as long as chicks don't freak out, that's it. And they had freakened out actually, just today and that was why I was so angry, so damned angry...
" I'm angry !"
" See you are." Kubota smiled lazily. "No need to restate that over and over..."
" But I'm really !" I practically squicked and to cover that up, I punched the wall with all I had.
The satisfying crack of smashed knuckles calmed me down somewhat. Ah... but the pain... was not what I needed right then.
" I'm angry..." I restated anyway, through the clenched teeth.
Kubota came over, just behind me.
" Something went wrong with... that... What's her name again ?" He asked without particular interest in his voice.
" Sumire."
"...aw, yeah, Sumire. So, how was she ?"
" Hot." I managed through clenched teeth, holding my injured hand to myself. I was just so stupid...
Kubota's brow twitched.
" Beside that ?"
" She had really nice dress, dark blue, I think. Hugging all very nicely..." I was beginning to dream awake. " And such fancy hair, with the way it curled all around her..."
Kubota waved a hand in front of my face.
" Aw, it doesn't really matter."
" It does not." He nodded.
" She's a bitch."
He looked at me incredoulously.
" Quite sudden turn of action, don't you think ?"
" Yeah, yeah..." I waved my hands dismissively. " She thought I was `just a friend inviting her over, nothing more`." I said, mimicking her high-pitched voice. " So I didn't get a kiss, didn't get to hold her hand, didn't get to do anything and she didn't even let me pay, since I was just a friend inviting her over, to talk, to gossip maybe ? because I was not interested in her anyway and `it was nice for a change, not to have a guy stare at her with hungry eyes`, fuck, like if I wasn't staring, I stared for all I was worth, I flirted, I did... everything, everything you're supposed to and still, I was just a friend inviting her over, to gossip, God dammit, like a fucking girl. I felt like a fucking girl !"
Kubota scratched the back of his head, searching for a cigarette with his second hand. He extented the pack to me and I took one as well, with shaky hands. I did smoke, just only when I was extremelu upset. I was at the moment.
" God dammit... what does she think I am ? Why do I have no right to... to... When a guy invites you over Friday evening and you happen to be a hot girl he barely knows, what is it like then if not a date ? Are girl really that dumb nowadays ?" I waved the cigarette in the air.
Kubota looked at me funny.
" I do not happen to be a hot girl. I can't know." He said that with a straight, if slightly worried face. I snarled at him. I get to hate his sense of humour when I'm upset and he does know it. The jerk...
" You know what, Kubo-chan ? It's all your fucking fault, yours alone. It's because of you I don't have a girlfriend !" I accused him.
He just smiled kindly down at me. I took a deep drag of the cigarette, trying to compose myself.
" What is it I did ?" He asked, like if he had no clue.
" You..." I blushed, no matter how hard I tried to stop it. "...do a lot of strange things to me... two guys generally don't do together."
" But it's at school. How come she knows what you do at school ?"
I scratched my head.
" Aw, actually, she's a friend of Katsuragi. That's how I know her... The bitch !" I screamed at the top of my lungs. " She told her some stupid shit about how we... and she wound up thinking I was..."
I cradled my head in my hands
" No... It can't be."
" Shh..."
Kubota's large hand felt heavy on my shoulder, definetely there and reassuring, somehow, but I shook it off, anyway. No more stuff like that, no more cuddling together, sharing the bed, no more anything, even if I was to sleep on the bare floor. I liked girls better, definetely. Hell, I was getting nauseus over thinking of a guy doing some strange things to me, the more strange things than Kubota had ever done. It was scary, somehow and... and...
...It had that tinge of strange, over-whelming pleasure, being submissive, like sweetness coming in waves, so intense it made you cringe, made you sick, weak in the knees and having butterflies in your stomach. That someone would bother enough to protect you... it felt... reassuring.
No ! It was wrong.
...Not just someone's but Kubota's hands all over my bare skin, how would it feel ? Those large, warm, calloused hands that I knew all too well... Would it... make me cringe away or beg for more ?
I could not think like that ! I was not like that !
" You worry too much, Tokitoh." Kubota said reassuringly after a while, still smiling.
I nodded weakly, moving away from him.
" You know what she told me at the end ? That she's gotten to like gay guys thanks to me and then she hugged me and then, was off and I was left there, just like that. Insulted like that by a bitch like her... and... and there was nothing I could do about it... because, whatever Katsuragi told her about me that made her think that way was probably true..."
I slid down to the floor with my back against the wall.
" I wonder... How many more people think like that about me... See, what did you make me look like ?" I asked bitterly. " I don't care what they think about you, as long as I have nothing to do with it, but not when... when it's ruining my reputation and chances for any future relationship like that. It can't stay this way !"
Kubota kneeled down and then sat down just next to me, his arm going around my shoulders like on its own, like if it was detached from that thoughtful smile and heavy-lidded eyes or maybe... not at all. It was not. He knew well enough what he was doing. I considered slapping him, but I feared his famous quick punches too much for that. I didn't need my jaw crushed and my face permanently ruined on top of that all.
" Kubo-chan... I just said I didn't want things to be like that anymore..." I said, lifting his hand off my shoulder gently. It tumbled to the floor. He looked... wounded, really. " I'm sorry, I really am. If you ever thought I'd... ever... then you were wrong. See, I'm not like that..."
" Like what ?" He asked dumbly.
I sent him a look that could kill.
" God dammit, like a fucking queer, like a cock-sucking bitch, see the mental image ?! Or is not even that getting to you ?"
He made a show of licking his lips.
" I do see the mental image. So... where's it leading ?"
Had I ever had doubts that h e was gay ? well, I was getting lost of them one every his word.
" To that I'm not one and I won't pretend I am for your benefit, you understand ?"
I could see how he was faking he did not understand.
" You see, Kubo-chan, fuck off ! Keep your hands off me, grope yourself, if you just have to someone, grope Fujiwara, for all I care, but, for God's sake, keep your hands off me !"
" I never groped you." He said defensively.
" Ah, no, not at all... Remember borrowing my history notes ?"
He nodded.
" Remember running your hands all over me, pressing up to me like there was no tomorrow, or that you do not remember ?"
He smiled apologetically.
" How could I ever forget ?"
I swung at him, not thinking, but my first never collided with anything. I wound up hitting the air and falling flat onto the floor face first from the impact. That hurt.
" Tsk..." Kubota looked... the slightest pissed, just the slightest, but that was enough for me to get... kinda scared, just a bit, God dammit, don't you think I'm a wimp !
He turned me over onto my back and leaned over me, just breathing down on my face, from inches apart.
" Fuck you." I managed weakly.
He grinned.
" Didn't think you'd want to, so soon after such a speech..."
" You pervert !" Shit, I squicked again.
It made him smile. He traced the contours of my face with his fngertips, just like so many times before, making me wonder... making me wonder yet again what we really were. He was giving me something... but I just wanted more of it, all of it, or nothing at all... Wait ! I had not said that ! I didn't want to have anything to do with him at all, not in that way, not at all, I want her, I want her back, her, Sumire, or whatever her name was, her. In her nice, tight, blue dress...
" Tokitoh..." Kubota breathed in my face in such a sultry voice it made something in me tighten. I really did not need to think right now what it was.
" Kubo-chan ?" I responded weakly. Back to our old ways... " Tell me I'm not gay ?" I pleaded softly.
He looked curiosly down at my face, then, as curiously, down at my crotch. The calling of nature, I could not stop it... with someone so close... It did not necessarily have to be a girl ? Or did it ?
" You're bi, at the very least." He said after all, thoughtfully.
I waved my hand dismissively in front of his face.
" What do you know..."
" I do know. I read all about it. For your sake."
" What ?!" I asked, leaping up.
He pushed me gently back onto the floor. I couldn't help but wonder... I blushed fiercely first, but I did this after all, I pressed up to him, for a shortest while and rocked my hips against his. No reaction, no reaction at all. I had not wiped that damned smile off his face nor had it made him aroused, which I checked immediately after. Not at all, at all, not even so it would be visible in the too-tight pants he was wearing... wait, too-tight pants with too-short legs. That just meant...
" These are mine !" I stated, tugging on the khakis.
" I know." He said sheepishly. "Just that... all of mine got sort of... dirty, so..."
"...so you should do the laundry, not steal someone else's clothes that do not fit you, may I add and you probably don't plan on washing them then, either."
" Aw, my... I can take it off, if you insist. I see why you are..." He said, lookink pointedly downwards again.
Fuck him, fuck him and his games and his everything. He still spoiled my reputation. Nobody had to know about it... know that I... I liked to have him close, real close, sometimes, at least. I even liked, in that twisted too sweet for comfort way to have him cradled between my legs, like on that one memorable occasion, in the EC room at school, when we'd been all very drunk and they, namely Tachibana, who'd been there for some reason, had made us look like we'd had sex right then and there in a game of `truth or dare`. Then we'd had our revenge for that, but that's totally off topic.
" You want me to take them off, I take them off." Kubota said amiably, standing up.
" Do whatever you want."
" Tsk, don't make me take the blame. I do what you want right now." He said, really sliding those pants off.
This was slowly getting too far for comfort, when he leaned back over me, smiling, while taking his glasses off as well.
" Happy now ?"
" No." I snarled.
He carressed my cheek.
" What did you want to do with that girl anyway, huh ? As in later, if the date went actually all right ?" He asked conversationnally.
We were both nuts, lying there like that with him half-naked on top of me and discussing such problems.
" Huh ?" He insisted when I didn't tell anything, poking me in the chest.
" And what do you think ? Get laid at least !"
His smile widened, however impossible that already seemed.
" At least, you say ? Too much time not getting taken care of that..." he waved towards my crotch "...properly ?"
" Yeah..." I sighed heavily. " Kind of like nineteen years.
He didn't even seem surprised.
" You're a virgin." He said matter-of-factly.
" So I am, and what about it ?! It's not like you're going out much either ! More even, you don't go out at all ! Not with chicks, not with guys even ! You're asexual, that's the worst one can get !"
" Shh. If I'm not going out nor with a girl nor a guy then what you are ? Because I certainly do go out with you."
" To the game center, at the very least. That doesn't matter."
" To get ice-cream, as well. Ice-cream's kinky."
" For walks, yeah, but that doesn't mean anything, or to the 7-11, but that's just..."
" To the cinema. It's dark in there !"
I rolled my eyes.
"...and to the restaurant on your birthdays."
" Still, not as a date and that's what I meant !"
" Not as a date, huh ? And going out to the 7-11 is plain boring, is it ? And remember holding hands there, to embarrass that old... huh... lady ?"
" So what ?" I asked pensively. " It was all about pissing the bitch off."
" And that time when you were buying condoms, God knows for what and called me and made me pay for them ?"
I blushed at that particular memory.
" I was out of cash..." I mumbled.
He smiled pleasantly.
" But you do know what they thought of us, don't you ? You do know what they all think of us ?"
I burst out at that.
" It does make you happy, then ?! To make a fool outta me ?"
" Nah... I just like to see your eyes glaze over. And, just before legs give way, your knees buckle that funny..." I blushed even deeper shade of crimson. " I never took those nor gripping my shirt to keep me close as signs of discontentement, sorry."
He smiled disarmingly.
" Bastard." I hissed.
" Neither are you showing disconetentement now..."
I caught his chin in a steel-like grip before he could look downwards again. It screamed for release loud enough even without that, without him looking down at it. My, my... Things were getting severe. How was it even so ? If I was supposed not to get aroused around other guys ?
" You worry about the chicks and what they think of you ? Screw them."
I chuckled.
" I'd like to, actually. But no, Kubo-chan had to go and made it all impossible for me ! That you're asexual doesn't mean I have to be !
" Why do you say I'm asexual ?" He asked, not seeming offended or anything in the slightest.
" Because, the fuck, we are having this talk right now, in these circumstances and you're not hard at all ! You're asexual !"
" Straight, maybe ? Would be the word ?"
" What ?" I choked on my own gasp.
" Nah, just kiddin` ! Girls' eyes don't get that glazed-over when I'm near them. No chance for such a stunning reaction out of them. They're just no fun compared to you... Ouch, that hurt !"
I punched him in the stomach and rolled us over so I landed on top, hovering over him.
" No more kidding. Kubo-chan, this is getting severe." I told gravely.
" It is." He agreed amiably.
" I'm going to... I'm going to..."
" Shh... You may want to take your pants off first."
I looked down at him, panicking.
" Does that mean... I'm gay ? Really ?"
" Bi, Tokitoh, just bi."
I breathed a sigh of relief.
" Why do you this ?" I asked, unfestening my pants feverently.
" This ? Like in what ?"
" All of those things you do to me, what got you started ? You know, cuddling and... stuff..."
" Your eyes getting glazed over ?"
I slapped him hard across the jaw, just before I cummed all over him. Thanks God he took my pants off himself earlier.
" Mhaw, we're screwed." I mumbled, collapsing on his chest.
" Who is that is." He agreed.
" No, I mean... screwed as in not in the right minds. Have you ever seen guys in their right minds do such things ?"
He shook his head.
" Never seen such guys. After all, the only guy I get to see really a lot is you."
I risqued a glance downwards, thinking he was not looking. He was still completely slack... after what I did on him. Perfect, just perfect. I do not turn on anyone.
" We're nuts." I repeated.
" And what does that matter ? All that does matter is that you've stopped to worry. The chick was right but she wasn't, but we're nuts anyway, so what does it matter ? Do you feel better ?"
" Ah..." I mumbled in his chest tiredly.
He could be asexual for all I cared. My eyes would
still get glazed over with him that close to me, with his arm circling
my waist like that, but that in itself wouldn't change the fact that I'd
get tremors seeing a pretty girl either. That's just the way it is. I'm
fucked in my head, I end up wanting everyone and getting no one, because
Kubo-chan's damned asexual and chicks think he's not. Ah... what a way
to go. It seems there are still some fifty good years worth of celibacy
ahead of me. What a way to go... Dying a virgin, because there were too
many options. Like a guy who would die of thirst because he wouldn't be
able to decide what to drink - apple juice or soda. My... I would've been
angry then, really angry for that still, just that, I was too wrapped up
in that sweetness that made me cringe and sick and so good at the same
time while lying wrapped securely in my Kubo-chan's arms to get to be.
I just fell aslee, knocked out cold.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Enjoyed the scary stuff ? Then let me know. You
can bribe me quite easily to write another EC story, that I don't plan
on being that pointless.
And for God's sake, if you can write, just a little even, write EC/WA stories yourself. There are way too few !