Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings or any characters and/or places thereof

Thanks to Lady Eowyn, my very awesome beta-reader

Leggylover03: Of course…

Alaskantiger: You're quite welcome. Don't worry, answers only lead to mysteries.

Daw the Minstrel: It's not common to write first-person fanfictions except for OCs, but I find them quite fun. Yes, and believe me, I know about the thirteen-year-old mind, but it was Galadriel, not Estel, who claimed no knowledge of shame. And by the way, there is a note in the first chapter clearly stating that Celebrían has been left in this story and that it is thusly AU, but I guess you didn't read that.

*****

After many minutes I got to my feet, trembling, and walked away from the mirror. I did not know where to go. The Lady was angry with me, and so I wondered if my welcome in Lothlorien was worn out. Deciding that this was more than likely so, and dreading being turned out, alone and with no place to go, I numbly found my way back to the room I had inhabited the night before. Most of my things were still packed up, and so I made brief work of the remaining items. Just as I was heading for the door, the Lady entered.

"What are you doing, Estel?" she asked me, concerned.

"I. . .don't worry, Lady, I will be out of your way in just a few moments." I looked about, checking for any missed items. "You won't have to worry about me any longer. I hope you will not judge the rest of the world of Men just on my behaviour, I know it has been abominable--"

"Estel, stop this," the Lady commanded.

"Stop what?"

"Stop--stop speaking and listen to me," she said. I froze. "Look at me, Estel." Oh, no. Elrond always said that when he was angry. I never understood why, the only reason I ever looked away was that I was upset, fighting back tears. Biting my cheeks, I faced the Lady. "That's much better. Now, Estel, I do not want you to leave this forest. Not yet, at any rate. You are safe here, and there are many people in this world who want to know that you are safe, although you often cannot see that. I want to help you, Estel."

"No one can help me."

"Well, maybe you just have not met the right person."

"No one," I repeated, over-enunciating to be sure she understood.

With an unreadable look she said, "Why don't you rest? You are tired. All of this will be clearer in the morning."

"Yes, Lady," I replied. She left the room after a moment's hesitation; why did she pause? As soon as she was gone, I pulled an old shirt out of my pack and changed into it, changed out of my trousers and into undershorts, slipped into bed and fell asleep in moments.

When next I woke, it was with a start and a surprise. An owl hooted outside. In my sleep I had not, as I usually do, kicked the covers off, out of exhaustion or simply because I had been cold then, and when I awoke I was drenched in sweat. I sat up, rubbing my eyes, and stood, out of bed, knowing what I had to do.

With great care I stole out of the room and down a very long flight of stairs, all the while keeping close to the mallorn tree around which the staircase was wrapped. A crisp breeze blew through the trees, carrying sounds of soft laughter and song--Elves. In the distance I saw lights bobbing up and down, lanterns I suppose, but could not discern who carried them--oh, well. I could only hope the Lady did not catch me. If she knew--and if she caught me out, she would know--I would not be able to go through with it.

Within three feet of the ground I jumped off the staircase, landing softly on the ground, squatting with my head cocked and listening. When no one called after me, I got to my feet and made my way through the woods, carefully avoiding main paths and bending low, hoping she would not find me. Leaves crunched beneath my bare feet, and goosebumps rose on my bare flesh, but I was not too cold, and it felt good after waking up in such a sweat.

I stepped on a stick and it cracked, sickeningly loud. My foot stung for a moment but, ignoring it, I jumped into a thicket of bushes, waiting, holding my breath. When I had counted to fifty (proudly having held my breath the entire time) I ventured out again. I was close enough, I decided, to stick to the main path. Hopefully it was the right path. . .ahead I could see a glow. That might mean I was nearing my destination, but it also might mean I was walking right into a nest of Elves. With a deep breath, I sprinted the rest of the way, eyes closed, so as not to become too afraid and turn back.

When I opened my eyes and gazed around, amazement struck me. I was in a clearing devoid of all life save myself. Trees ringed it thickly. Water trickled into a small basin from Valar only know where. A staircase of stone climbed one nearby mallorn. I had not seen those stairs before and decided that, after my errand, I would see what was up them. But at the moment I had more important business to attend to. I lifted the silver jug the Lady had reached for earlier. I shook so badly I dropped it, but quick as lightning caught it again. Calming myself, I held the pitcher beneath the trickling stream of water. Some cold, clean water splashed my hand, and it was almost cold enough to make me shiver.

Taking deep, calming breaths, I walked to the center of the clearing. All the while I hoped my feet would betray me and catch on some root, sending me sprawling, but no such thing occurred. I reached the stone with the mirror uninterrupted, and poured the water in, watching it splash and circle, then settle peacefully. Mayhap this is naught but a usual mirror. Mayhap the twins were only trying to scare me--it would not be unlike them to do so. With these thoughts I closed my eyes, set my hands on the stone surrounding the basin and gazed into the water.

When I was nine years old, Imladris had a very rainy winter. Elladan, Elrohir, and I built a fort in the library, sheltered by blankets hanging like curtains from a table as we listened to the storm howl outside, slashing rain pellets at the windowpane. Elladan and Elrohir took turns telling frightening stories, whilst I, too young to know any good fright-fest tales, shivered from tip to toe. They would tease me, suggesting that "perhaps Estel is too young; we should just take him back to his room, see how scared he is", and always I would protest, and with indulgent smiles and gleeful laughter they continued. One of Elladan's favourites was about the Mirror.

"…and it sees all, Estel. The mirror sees things that were--"

As I gazed into the mirror that night, I was no longer in Lothlorien forest, no longer thirteen years. I was only two years old, frightened, asleep on Gilraen's lap--I knew Gilraen, for she was on occasion in Imladris. "We will keep the little one safe," Celebrían said softly. It was then that I realized where they all were--they were in Elrond's study; Elrond, Celebrían, and Gilraen.

"No, Celebrían, we cannot--"

"Do not be silly, Elrond, there is no safer place for the youngster than Imladris. Come, little Hope," she said, taking me from Gilraen. "Do not be afraid, you will be safe here." Elrond, behind Celebrían, scowled, clearly displeased.

And as quickly as it had come it was over, and I was four years old, kneeling on a stool in the library, trying toi hard--but it was all so difficult. I was tired, and my eyes kept closing. Again, Lady Celebrían came to my rescue. She lifted my off the stool as I shook my eyes open. "He is four years old, Celebrían," Elrond said. "That is more than old enough."

"He is a child, Peredhil."

"Nay."

"Aye." Lady Celebrían began to rub my back gently, and I could hardly keep awake. "I am putting him to bed, as I should have hours ago." As she left the room, I saw Elrond, so disappointed, and I wanted to tell him how sorry I was, that I was only small and trying my very best, I really was, but…

Before I got a chance to apologize I was five years old, very carefully completing writing exercises from a copybook. Celebrían was not there, but Elrond stood behind me; I was unaware of him. He was smiling, proud of me. He coughed, and I turned. "Ada!" I cried. "Ada, look, ten letters!" I held up my copybook proudly and Elrond smiled again and told me I was doing well.

Six years later, autumn was not cooling off, but the heat rose fiercely. I could not sleep, and wandered outside to find Elrond already sitting on my favourite stone bench in the gardens. "Ada," I said, "what are you doing?"

"The same as you, Estel," he replied. I nodded and sat on the ground, just beside his feet. "Estel, have you seen the moon tonight?" I looked up and saw that the moon was full and orange-red. I gasped. "And look--the Great Hunter! And, here, the Bear…" I was attentive as Ada pointed out constellations, telling me why they were called what they were called, until he looked to the east and said, "Ah! Look, Estel, there is Eärendil, my sire."

"Do you miss him still, Ada?"

"Of course, but every dawn and dusk I watch him sail across the sky, and I know he is with my mother, and there is little more I could wish for him." Elrond smiled to let me know that it was all right, and I smiled back, though uncertain.

And then, just as a smile spread on my face in Lothlorien, I was snatched away to another memory. I was seven years old, rushing outside ahead of the twins. They chased after me, equally excited. I reached the pond first, although my boots sank into the snow, and slid out to the center of the frozen pond with a gleeful shout. "Ah! Elladan, Elrohir, look!" I shouted, trying to skate, and falling hard.

"Come on, Estel," they said, good-natured, helping me up. "If you sit there long enough your trousers will freeze against the ice, and then we should have to wait for the ice to defrost. Or we could always just take off the trousers, but you would get quite cold then, eh, Estel?"

"Aw, hush," I said, though later I skated up behind my brother and tried to steal his trousers for the threat. He threw me in a rather deep snowdrift, then fished me out.

I was young, perhaps six, lying in bed asleep. I had been ill and had been given some sort of tea to make me sleep, and so would not be waking for quite some time. Lady Celebrían and Lord Elrond were watching me. "Are you sorry for taking him in, truly?" asked Celebrían.

"No, not truly," Elrond replied.

And then I was ten years old, my eyes swollen shut. I could see only a bit out of my left eye and everything was so foggy. I staggered along, trying to find someone, hoping…but…"Estel! Oh, Estel." Someone grabbed my shoulders and led me quickly along the corridor. We were in the Hall of Healing. Whoever it was helped me sit down, then pressed a bit of flannel beneath my nose. "Estel, I need you to hold this. Estel!" Whoever it was then lifted my arm, positioning my hand to hold the flannel under my nose. In moments the blood was so profuse that it had soaked the flannel.

"Nana?" I asked, frantic. I was so confused!

"No, Estel. She is not here."

"Where?" I managed to ask, but it was difficult. Blood poured from my mouth when I opened it to speak.

"Shh, Estel, try to sit still." But I could not. "Would someone please find Celebrían?"

I was aching all over, feeling bruises forming on my skin. For agonizing minutes I tried my best to sit still, but it hurt so much that was a difficult task. Finally I felt someone's arms around me briefly, but comfortingly. When her hands touched my shoulder I cried out in pain. "Oh, Estel, are you all right? Shh, child, hush, it is all right, hush, Estel, I am here now, I promise you will be all right."

"I'm so sorry, Nana," I sobbed, blood pouring all over me, leaving its metallic taste in my mouth.

"Estel, dear, you mustn't cry, that will only make it worse. Can you do that for me, Estel, can you not cry?"

I nodded, rubbing away my tears--only to experience an excruciating pain and drop my hand back to my side. "Celebrían, you had best hold his hand for this." I nearly protested that I was not a child, but did not want to spill more blood over myself. What came next was the greatest pain I have ever known…

"…things that are…"

I was back in Imladris suddenly, in Elrond's study again. Celebrían, Elrond, and Glorfindel were there, discussing something. Elrond looked far more worried than I had ever seen him, and Celebrían's eyes were red and puffy as though she had been crying. What was it? I wanted to speak to her. 'Don't cry, Nana,' I wanted to say. 'Whatever it is, it will be all right. It will, Nana, it will be all right.'

"What do you mean?" she asked Glorfindel furiously. "You cannot just stop looking!"

"Lady, it has been almost two months. If the boy is still alive, he will have been found, and if--"

"Our son is not dead." Lady Celebrían stated this most firmly.

Elladan? Elrohir? What's happened? No, I have to go, have to find my brothers-- but the Mirror's trance remained unbroken.

"Estel is strong, but we must be reasonable," Elrond intervened before either Glorfindel or Celebrían started to yell. "If we have not found him yet, we stand little chance."

"No!" Lady Celebrían shouted. "You cannot abandon him to whatever fate he finds! He is only a child, for the Valar's sake!"

"Celebrían, please!" Elrond exclaimed. "There is little choice. Either he shall be found or he shall not be--"

"All right. At least I will keep looking for my son. I will go to see my mother, she will know, her Mirror sees much."

Before the Mirror could show me things yet to come to pass, as Elladan had said it would, I drew away, so violently that I sprawled on my back on a carpet of dirt and leaves. My breath came in short bursts, sobs choking up my throat, but I held them back. "Most disappointing," said the Lady, as she stepped over to her Mirror, then to me. "I had hoped you might reveal some of the reasons you ran away, but all I have seen is that after the age of four you had a very happy home."

But I was not paying attention to her; I was running from the clearing. "Estel!" Galadriel grabbed me before I had even left the clearing and held very tightly onto me. She was smart about it; she did not hold my shirt that I might shrug off nor my shoulders that I might wriggle free. She wrapped one hand around each of my forearms, holding me tight enough that I could not wriggle free. "Estel, stop this right now."

"No, let me go, I need to go, I have to go, I need to find Nana, I have to tell her that I am all right!" I was in tears, again, for the third time in a day, but I had not the time to be humiliated. "Lady, please! You must understand!"

Estel, you must be calm. Take a deep breath… almost against my will, I did, swallowing a great puff of air. My throat felt tight, but my tears slowed. Good, child. Very good. Now, is there something you would like to tell me?

I took a another deep breath and retreated into my mind. I'm sorry, Grandmother.

Sorry?

I nodded and sniveled. Please don't think me pathetic… this was not meant for her to hear, but she heard it, anyway.

Of course not, child.

The memory of Lady Celebrían came rushing back to me, and in seconds I was hysterical again. Lady Galadriel tightened her grip on my arms again, but allowed me to struggle. "I have to write a letter!" I shouted at long last. "I have to write a letter to Nana and Ada! I have to tell them that I'm sorry, I need to tell them, I have to!"

"Yes, child, you do. We are going to write a letter to the Lord and Lady of Imladris, and then you will tell me why you ran away, is that perfectly clear?"

I nodded.

~*~

Dear Nana and Ada,

I'm sorry. I did not mean to alarm you or hurt anybody, that's not why I ran away. I love you. I'm so sorry. I understand if you don't want to forgive me--

"You mustn't tell them that, Estel. Here, start over."

Dear Nana and Ada,

I'm sorry I ran away from home. I didn't mean to hurt anybody. I wasn't thinking; not clearly at any rate. It is hard for me to write down everything, but when we are together again--Lady Galadriel promised me we would be before the snows of winter--I shall tell you everything. I had quite an adventure; bet Elladan and Elrohir will be jealous. Tell them I love them, please? I met the Lady Galadriel, and she's taking care of me right now, so you needn't be concerned. She's a little frightening, but not too much. She says she sent you a letter already to let you know that I am safe. I'm so, so sorry I hurt you. I never meant it. Please forgive me. I love you.

Love,

Estel.

"All right, Estel." Lady Galadriel sealed the letter. "Now, I believe we need to have a very serious discussion."

"Yes, Lady. I know," I replied, hanging my head. "I've let down a lot of people, I know, and--"

"No, not that discussion!"

"What?"

"It is up to your parents to deal with punishing you, not up to me. However, as you have stumbled into my realm, I do wish to know why."

"All right." I disappeared inside myself again, and offered the Lady a memory, hoping it explained…

But all that came was a hurried series of sounds, people speaking, saying things; "He's only edain"; "You can do this, Estel"; "I have faith in you"; "There is nothing wrong with failure"

"You fear failure, is that correct, Estel?" asked the Lady.

I shook my head. "Everyone expects things of me…they want things…Why, Lady? Why is it so bad if I fail? It's only little things, it's only reading, languages, swordplay, archery; but when I do not do well it seems like…and everyone expects things I cannot deliver…and I try, Lady, I do try, but I can't do it. I felt like such a failure, and I thought maybe…if I just left…everyone would be better."

"Oh, Estel." Lady Galadriel caressed my cheek gently, and I shook, not with fear but with emotion. "No one is disappointed with you."

"I--I--Lady, could I go back to bed now?"

"Of course, child. You know, if you would wait a moment…" She rose and crossed to the other side of her chambers, then searched through the closet and returned, carrying a slightly battered-looking stuffed toy, which she proffered to me. "Why don't you take this? Celebrían held it every night in her sleep until well into her forties."

I took the stuffed bear, clutching it close to my chest, and allowed Galadriel to guide me gently back to my bed--I thought of it as my bed. "Goodnight, Lady," I said.

"Goodnight, Estel," she replied.

She knew I hadn't told the whole story. She knew I was holding back a large portion of the truth. She knew, but she ignored it, because Galadriel knew something else: she knew that I would have to face up to Celebrían and Elrond sooner or later, and that I would not be able to lie to them. She knew that I would not run again.

Or perhaps she just planned on looking through my mind and discovering the truth.

*****

Elvish translations:

Naneth = Mother; Nana = Mom, Mommy

Adar = father; Ada = dad, daddy