The four words rang in her ears – leaden;
piercing; damning.
Her worst fears
a cavalier utterance from her master's lips.
Had
Celas a functioning heart, she was positive it would have ceased
beating. As it were, she
strengthened her hold around his waist
to keep her upright in the wooden seat as
she fought the dizziness
overwhelming her senses.
Would he abandon her, now? Strip
her of
this trifling purpose in life? Leave
her to the gothic dark, alone
and uneducated – a frail, pathetic creature of
shadow that couldn't
sustain its own wretched existence? The very thought brought bile
to the back of her throat, and
she swallowed thickly with a grimace,
face still hidden in the black folds of
Alucard's suit.
She couldn't bring herself to speak these
worries, however.
Not after she so
heedlessly laid her emotions bare to her master's
scrutiny. Instead, she responded in a wavering, weak voice, "N-No,
Master. You're wrong."
Alucard continued to stroke her hair, fingers
weaving through
the wayward strands gently.
The gesture might have been comforting
long ago, but he was too displaced
from the human sentiment after
so many bloodstained centuries.
All he had to offer was an illusion
of sensitivity; a memory of muscle
that perhaps sprung from a situation
long forgotten.
He pulled away slightly, just enough to place his
hand beneath
her chin to force her eyes to meet his. He met little resistance; she
hadn't the will to deny him.
"You shiver and lament of your regrets,
yet you tell me that I'm
wrong. What is it, Female Officer,
that
troubles you if not your death to this world?"
The hold on her chin was delicate but firm.
Celas wrenched her
gaze to the side to escape his pitying eyes.
She didn't want to see
disappointment in those crimson depths. Never in the eyes of her master.
"This is what I chose," she stated softly.
"I... thought I could
be strong enough.
I thought I could sacrifice my humanity if it meant
that I could avenge
my squad... my friends who died so unfairly in the
woods those nights."
She peered up at him through messy bangs, jaw set
in memory.
Tracks of her tears shone dully in the pale light.
"But my
efforts are unrewarded. The
humans I fight to protect cower from me or
look upon me with hate.
They call me a monster, and I can't deny it.
I kill my own – something I could never do.
I wear the colors of my
enemy, but I feel like an infiltrator,
camouflaged but suspect, and
always the foe in the eyes of my allies. Will I ever shed this doubt,
Master? Sometimes I... I
don't think I'll ever be free of my indecision."
A silence descended. Alucard's gloved hand stayed on her hair,
unmoving.
Celas bit her lip. She no longer felt like crying.
It seemed
the tears were stalled with the onset of a terrible tension.
It creeped
along her spine, chilling and sickening as disease, and
tempted her to
sit straighter in her seat.
The need to be close to Alucard was more
pressing, however.
Against her good judgment, she let herself nuzzle his
stomach, reveling
in the protection he offered, for she might not be
receiving it much longer.
"I chose you, Celas," Alucard's rich tones
finally replied, "because
I saw a strength in you.
The makings of a great vampire run through your
veins, but you deny your
nature. You and I..."
He trailed as if considering
his next words.
"We are similar."
Clearly surprised by this remark, Celas glanced up.
A question came
to her lips, but he was already continuing.
"Do you honestly believe you are the only one
with doubt?" He laughed
mirthlessly, fangs elongated in his too-wide smile.
"Foolish girl! Those
of us
with a shred of compassion are torn between two sides of ourselves: the
light
and the dark. It can take time,
Celas. Don't expect the answers
you
seek immediately. Let your
feelings war. They will teach you
what you must
understand."
Contrary and quite out of place to the current
situation, Celas
sweatdropped, one eye ticking. Honestly, are cryptic responses and putdowns
going to help
me?, she fumed. Out loud, she
argued, "Master..."
Alucard cut her off, however, saying, "My master
is calling. Release
me so I can go
to her."
Celas complied, albeit begrudgingly.
She frowned, turning her eyes to
the floor near his boots.
Integral always came first.
Either Alucard ignored her look of disappointment
or he just didn't
notice. But as
he faded into the ceiling, his voice filled the room once more.
"Forget your worries, Celas. There are things more important."
That's easy for him to say... she griped
when he was gone. Still, he
was
much comfort to her. Just having
his arms around her was enough to
sooth her frustrations a little.
At least until he said that dreaded phrase.
Is he right?
Do all vampires like me go through this? She cocked her
head as something occurred to her.
I guess it's only me and Alucard.
Well,
and Helena and those in her convent.
Erm, and maybe more that I don't know
of, but- Augh!
Anyway... So that must
mean...
"That he went through the same phase I'm going
through," she murmured
with awe.
But picturing her master in her state of weakness
was an image she
couldn't conjure. He
suffered, she knew. She saw it in
his eyes at a
battle's end, or when Integral's tongue cut too deep.
Sometimes she even
felt it through their link – a fatigue wrought by
the lapse of ages; a
pain, dulled by time, that tugged at his heart.
Celas knew her master was strong.
He carried himself proudly with a
confidence gained from his honor and
morality. Alucard knew what he was,
Celas was certain. Perhaps it hadn't always been true. Maybe his sufferances
were doubts flitting to the fore of his
conscience. Doubts about his
humanity; doubts about his sanity. He
may even doubt his own reflection in
the eyes of God.
He carries himself so well... What could possibly burden my master?
There were the rumors of an experiment in the
basement of Hellsing.
Alucard was
supposedly... altered.
A chill seized her, and she wrapped her arms about
herself, glancing
suspiciously at her surroundings. She was never one for scary stories.
When one of her old teammates broke into tale around the fire
at night,
Celas listened from beneath a double layer of blankets, snug in her
sleeping bag. How the guys used to
laugh...
Celas shook her head, rising swiftly.
No more ruminations of the
past – hers or Alucard's.
Her master was right; worry would offer no
solution.
Besides, tonight was a new battle. Preparation
should come
first in her thoughts.
Without further delay, she set about readying her
halconnen for battle.
The work
would give her a much needed release from memory.
Author's notes: I hope everyone had a great Christmas and New Years. They were blasé for me, but that's nothing new. Anyway, I'm gonna start giving feedback to my feedback, so now for a few responses to reviews:
Swoot - I know! I've pretty much stopped looking for A/C. I'm sure they're out there, though.
MANDI - Thanks! I haven't really read much in this category (but I should), so it's nice to hear that I'm kinda original.
AmoebaFive - Another affirmation that my characters are indeed in character. Yay! So happy... ^_^* Please don't mind me... And I hope you don't mind having a mind in the gutter, because there are gonna be a lot of those moments.
Lanfear - I just don't understand A/I, either. I mean, there was, like, a moment, but nothing of any real substance in my opinion. But to each his own, I guess.
Teiya Renee - Thanks for reading. Keep it up!
Athene - Well, I can use the correct currency without a problem. I just didn't because I'm a bit absentminded and forgot the show was set in England. But about typical Americanisms... I'm American (at least about half), so I can't help but use common expressions and such. I'm sorely unfamiliar with 'Britishisms', and I apologize if I offend anyone. If there's something you really want me to change, tell me and I'll do it in later chapters. Also, the Celas Victoria thing; I'm used to automatically changing the names around. I never considered that Celas would be her first name (don't laugh people! *cries*) since I've never heard of Victoria as a last name. Eh. Thanks for giving me a few things to think about.
KharBevNor - See above for half of your response. As far as episode 8 is concerned, as I've stated before, I've only seen so much of the series. I've seen up to 7 right now. But thanks for pointing it out.
Hustler One - I'm glad you think it's fluid. I've been getting a slightly different impression.
Errie Wyvern - Thanks! I hope I can keep this story to your enjoyment.
Braveheart - Your name brought the lion from the Care Bears immediately to mind (sorry, but I felt obliged to a lapse of vacuity.) I'm with you; Alucard's a tough nut to crack. I love writing his character, though. I just hope I can make the changes in his personality as the story progresses subtle and fluid.
Shelby - Glad you like it!
BloodHound666 - Relaxed and slow, huh? I was worried that I was taking it a bit fast. Of course, I think that about everything I write. Glad to hear it.
Oi! These notes are almost longer than the story, but rest assured that it won't happen again. By the way, I apologize for the length of this chapter. It's just better that I cut it off here, or it'd be a while before I posted again. Keep the comments and suggestions up. They inspire me. Especially tell me if I'm getting too similar to other stories. It'd like to have an original plot, and I eventually will when I figure out where the hell I'm going. Eh. See you next update!
Disclaimer: I hadn't put this in yet, since I had it separately. But that was why I had problems. Note to anyone who cares: you can put author's notes or a disclaimer by themselves, just don't call them that in the title. Anyway, I don't own anything but the story. I don't even own the plot; it's been used too much. Make a note that this disclaimer applies through all.