SLAYER, SLEW, SLAIN
By Niels van Eekelen
TelltaleProd@Hotmail.com
www.TelltaleProductions.tk
"So then, with the police and all," I said, chewing on half a slice of my family-sized pizza, "I took off." I grinned around another bite. Man, was I ever hungry. A fight like that, and not even a kill to show for it. I needed some release, and this guy from the Watchers' Council was way too old to consider for the other option besides eating, even if he hadn't been the single stiffest guy I'd ever met. Stiff in all the wrong places, if you get my drift. "I thought they would try to catch me," I finished telling of that night's excitement, "but they were so clumsy, they couldn't even have caught a ... what was that slug-demon called again?"
"A Kare Zsjul," Maria supplied unerringly.
"Right, a Car Sale." It was wiggin' me out to see Maria like this. She was nervous as hell. And in our professions, I wouldn't be too quick to dismiss that as figuratively speaking. Mr Duke here had come all the way from the old world to see if 'Miss Hope' was being a good Watcher. (Privately, I believed he was supposed to take a hard look at me, too.)
Anyway, Maria had practically begged me to be on my best behaviour--man, the favours I'd made her promise!- -and I was trying. Honestly. The guy just irritated me something bad.
"So the vampire got away," Duke supplied.
I shrugged. "Yeah. Well, you can't win'em all. He'll turn up again, and it'll be sooner rather than later." Another slice of pizza vanished down my throat. "Say, did I tell you about those goth-vamps in D.C.?"
"Do tell, girl."
"Well, he was into all that goth stuff," I started. "You know, the black clothes, the lace, and the make-up overdose. Those people believe that's what vamps actually look like. So, I'd chased this vampire into one of the goth clubs, and staked him right there. All these goths were staring at me, and I think, 'those losers'd probably wet themselves if they realised that that pile of dust on their floor had been a real vamp.' So I make some insulting remark--I can't remember what exactly--and then I walk away. But then I hear something strange, and I look over my shoulder--turns out all those wannabees were all members of the undead legion."
"You didn't sense that they were vampires before that?" the old Brit asked suddenly.
"Huh?" I said, peeved at the interruption. "Oh, no. I'd sensed something, but I just figured that was the vamp I'd chased in."
"I see. Did you at least deal with these vampires effectively?"
I nodded enthusiastically. "They're all as dead as parrots," I told him. Duke just frowned incomprehendingly. "C'mon," I complained, "you're English. You've gotta get Monty Python references. It's, like, a whole big cultural thing."
"Of course," Duke said, and turned to Maria, who was looking a bit pained by now. He didn't even try to hide the fact that he was just brushing me off.
"Eh, Faith," Maria told me, "Mr Duke and I need to discuss some matters privately. Could you ..."
I smirked. "Go patrol?" I supplied. There. That at least should sound appropriately dutiful. I hoped the small shows of respect and enthusiasm for my 'sacred duty' would be enough to keep Maria out of trouble. I really sympathised with her, considering how I wasn't too fond of authority figures myself-- Maria herself being the one exception to prove the rule. As she told the tale, Maria was extremely your for a Watcher to be given a field assignment with a Slayer. It was a simple combination of luck and coincidence together with her talent for the job that had given her the opportunity. Like I said somewhere at the beginning of all this talk, the Watcher Council had only finally located me when I had already been Chosen--like Buffy, I think, but not like most other Slayers through the ages. The first Watcher who'd come from the old country to look for me had started looking years back, but he had run into trouble of the undead kind. He proved once again why Watcher are supposed to just watch. For some reason, it took the Council a while to realise what had happened and send young Mrs Maria Hope after me. Age is apparently a big issue with the Council, and more than one senior citizen held a grudge against Maria because she had been picked over them for the assignment.
Meanwhile, I found that the door to our place was better soundproofed than I'd thought. Even with my Slayer-enhanced hearing, I couldn't here everything the two Watchers said.
"I don't see why Faith should have to undergo that trial already," I heard Maria argue. I leaned closer, if that was possible. I'd just known they were going to talk about me! "She too young yet."
"The Council has its reasons." That was Duke-boy. "We have prophecies in our possession you don't even know the existence of."
"That's just not good enough! The girl is my responsibility, Mr Duke, and I need to know what's going on."
The old guy sighed. "Very well, Mrs Hope. The Council has recently deciphered a prophecy which suggests that this Slayer will survive to her eighteenth birthday"--at this point I heard a relieved sigh which must have come from Maria, but for myself, I was a bit sceptical; 'suggests', right; I'd believe it when I got there--"but," Duke continued, "that at that time will be deeply involved in something--what we are not certain of--and will be unavailable at the appropriate time. Therefore, it was decided in a meeting of the Council that the Slayer will take the test at the earliest convient time."
"Well, now is not exactly convenient, Mr Duke," Maria said, sounding adamant about it. "You heard what Faith said about this new vampire, and I've found some prophecies of my own that seem to point at this vampire. We cannot afford any distractions."
"Perhaps," Duke interrupted. "At the moment, however, I'm suddenly more concerned about you, Mrs Hope. You seem terribly concerned about the girl."
"I take my duty very seriously."
"And it does you credit," Duke conceded. "Unfortunately, your concern seems to stretch to a personal level."
There was a moment of silence that felt awkward even through the door.
"Do you doubt my professionalism?" I'd never heard Maria's voice sound so cold and offended. "Faith is a pubescent girl who occasionally needs to discuss her emotional state and the like, and because of her special circumstances, I am the only one she has to turn to. I do not in any way let that fact interfere with my duty. The reason I am concerned for her life, Mr Duke, is that she, at some point in the future, may be the Earth's only chance of survival. You could benefit from a similar attitude."
For a few seconds, I felt devastated. Basically, what Maria was saying was that for her our friendship was just a way to keep tabs on me. But only for a few seconds. Until I realised something. Maria could never have had me so completely fooled for so long. She was just too honest a person for that. Sounding offended, however, was one of the easiest lies.
"I stand corrected," Duke said, and he really did sound chasticed. There was the sound of chairs moving. "I shall observe this vampire situation for a few days, and then we will reconsider whether or not to perform the test."
"I will be seeing you, then, Mr Duke."
It suddenly dawned on me then that Duke was leaving. Through the door. Which I was standing behind. "Shit!" I muttered, careful not to be heard through the door. Think hasty retreat, only faster.
Story written by Niels van Eekelen. © Copyright 2004 Telltale Productions.
In a perfect world, I would own the series 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer' and 'Angel'. Alas, it is not, and I bow my head to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy. Ah, well. It's probably for the best, me not having a contract to put the show on the air and all.
A special thanks to Paul Leone and Teresa Owens, from whose story 'The Deliverer' I nicked the name of Faith's Watcher, though not the character.