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Second Guessing

I felt like I was trapped in a bad movie. Neither of us seemed to be moving and it did not look like Carter was going to move any time soon. I could feel the fear starting to creep into my body. It wasn't so much fear as it was this uncomfortable uneasiness that he didn't want me there. Was he that unhappy to see me, at least he had not turned and run the other way. That much I suppose I should be thankful.

I closed me eyes for a minute. I had been learning to keep my insecurities under control. The old Abby would have turn and ran away as fast as she could. However, I knew that I needed to face Carter and the only way that I was going to be able to do that was to do it here in the Congo, thousands of miles away from the safety of my home in Chicago.

I took a deep breath. I told myself that it was only John. He was a friend, oh who was I trying to kid. That line was not going to work no matter how hard I tried to believe it. He was the man that I loved, the man that I had pushed away with out a second thought at the time.

I thought that I was doing what was right making us take a little time to get things on the right track, but then I did not realize that he was going to take his time so far away from me. If he had not though I probably would not have finished med school, I probably would not have gone into therapy to work thru my issues.

Carter leaving was the worst yet the best thing to happen to me in a long time. How do you thank someone for leaving you but tell them that you want them back in your life. That you can realize that you have made a mistake, taken the time to work thru that mistake and you are now ready to give yourself a second chance with them at finding love. I could almost feel Carter's fear. However, standing here I was putting more questions than answers into my head.

I could not help but wonder if he was doing the same thing that I was right now, second-guessing myself, second-guessing him. Oh, boy was this turning out to be a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. I put my hand up to my head again pushing my bangs back. "Abby," I said to myself, "what were you thinking.

That you were going to come to Kissangani and have everything be the way that they were before. Back to how it was before Carter left the second time. But then things were great in your relationship at that time either."

I knew right there and then that I had to stop talking to myself before I worked myself into a corner that I could not get out. I had not come all this way to stand around with my mouth wide open staring at Dr. Carter.

There was little that I could do. I needed to go and talk to him, but fear was taking control of my body. I wrung my hands together before getting up the courage to start to cross the open space that was between us. However, the closer that I got to him I found the more that I was shaking. How could he still have such an effect over me after all this time?

Slowly but surely I walked close to Carter. I was working on the ability to be able to say something to him that would not come out of my mouth as sounding extremely stupid. The closer I got to him the more my hands were shaking. My nerves were about shot, and right about now I would be lighting up a cigarette if I still smoked. Before I knew it, I was standing now face to face with Dr. John Carter.

"Dr. Carter," I said trying hard not to stare at the ground. "It's nice to see you again."

"It's nice to see you too Abby." I heard him reply. There did not see to be any emotion in his voice as he spoke to me.

"How have you been?" I ask trying to keep the small conversation going.

"I've been fine." He stuttered, "What brings you to Africa?"

That was the dreaded question. I did not have an exact answer for the one question. I could not tell him that he was the reason that I was here, that I needed to see him, find out if it was really over or if we still had a little chance to be happy together. "I decided that I needed to spread my wings a little further. Take my medical training to another level I guess." I shrug my shoulders. I was an answer not much of one, but it was still an answer.

"I see." He said so casually to me. His voice still seems to be lacking any form of emotion and I don't know what to make of it.

I watched as a woman walked up behind Carter. She extended her hand out to me. "Dr. Lockhart, it is so nice that you have arrived. I hope that your flight was not all that bad and that you are ready to start." She was smiling. "I am sure that Dr. Carter here would like to have another set of hands around here to help him."

"My flight was fine." I reply to her.

"Dr. Lockhart." Carter repeats. "I did not know that you had gone back to med school Abby."

"I went back and finished after you left Chicago John." I said to him. I didn't think I needed to go into a whole lot of details with him right now.

"I'm impressed Abby. I did not think that you would go back. You seemed so happy with nursing."

"Well there's a lot that's changed since you left John." I said not wanting to tell him everything at once. I did not have much more to tell him, other than I had started therapy after he left, working on myself trying to get it so that I was happy. I knew that I had to be happy with myself before I could be happy with someone. That had been the hardest part, working through all my insecurities.

"Tonight we'll have to sit down and get caught up. Right now there are a lot of people who need us." Carter said pointing towards the clinic. "I'm sure that you are used to long days and even shorter nights."

"Yeah I am." I say back to him. "I've done my fair share of long days and long nights."

"Well then let's get started." He said walking away toward the clinic.

I did not know what to make of our conversation or that he wanted to get together and talk some more later. I did not know if I should be nervous or scared that, he wanted to talk later or if I should be happy that he wanted to talk to me and take that as a good sign.