Saving grace

I watched her cross the courtyard from the cafeteria towards the housing. She looked so tired from the day. There were bags under her eyes and watching her, you could see her footsteps dragging in the dirt. Still to me, Abby was the most beautiful person in the world. I could have kicked myself repeatedly for running so far away from her, but time was something that I think we both needed. We had our own demons and excess baggage that needed sorting thru and dealt with before we could have a successful relationship. What was that old saying, you have to love yourself before you can love another.

"Long day?" I asked as she walked up the short wooden stairs.

"Yeah, you could say that it was Carter." She replied to me.

I was not sure if Abby calling me Carter was a good thing or a bad thing. She usually only called me John when she was upset with me. "It takes some getting used too." I said looking down at the ground rather than at her. I hoped that she did not take the lack of eye contact as anything other than my nerves. For some reason around her, all of a sudden my stomach was in knots.

She just nodded in agreement, as she sat down on the chair next to where I was standing. "Sorry but I don't think that my feet would hold me up any longer."

I nod. "So Doctor Lockhart now is it?" I say to her a smile creeping across my lips.

"Yeah," she says so casually as if it was not that big of a deal. "What can I say, a lot of things change when you are so far away for so long."

That almost felt cold coming from her now. I felt the sudden urge to be defensive but that was not why I was here. "Hey look, I'm sorry about that but it was something that I needed to do Abby." The smile that had been on my face had faded with the coldness that she was showing me. I didn't want to be confrontation with her. And the more that I thought about it I was going to have to spend two weeks working with her so I didn't want any hard feelings between us that might interfere with our work here.

I watched her eyes shift away from looking my direction. "We all have things that we have to do John."

It was almost as if I could feel a chill, suddenly Africa felt cold. I did not know what she wanted me to say to her. I almost did not dare tell her now that I was sorry for upping and leaving her as I did. That it broke my heart seeing her here now. I wanted to take her in my arms and have it be as if I had not left. However, that was not possible. I could not go back and change time. I had made my decision then and now I was going to have to live with it. I would not have done it any other way. However, I just could not find the words to explain that to her.

"I glad you decided to go back to med-school Abby and finish it." I said to her, "you were good at. If you hadn't gone we probably would have never met."

Why did I just say that? I did not know what I was thinking as those words came out of my mouth. I looked at the ground feeling stupid about saying it now. I watched her reaction, her eyes downcast still. I could hear a soft sigh come from her.

"I'm sure we would have eventually."

I reached out and put my hand on hers making the first contact since she had gotten there. I could feel her pulling back a little. I could not blame her for not wanted to be that close to me right now. "You saved my life Abby." I said softly, "no matter what happens between us for that I will be forever grateful for. You were my saving grace Abby."