Ch 7 Atlanta and Back

Carter's words hit me like a ton of bricks. His saving grace, hearing that shocked me. I was no ones saving grace. If I had not been there someone else would have caught him shooting up in the trauma room. I knew that, surely he had to have known that.

My mind drifted back to that day in Chicago before everything between us got so complicated. Turning Carter in to Mark and Kerry was the right thing to do, I knew it then, and I knew it now. While he was in Atlanta, I had started the rocky romance with Luka, who was now one of my dearest and closest friends.

From the first time I had met Dr. John Carter, I knew that there was something special about him. I had found myself drawn to him. However, in my heart I knew that when he came back from Atlanta, that he would not be in any shape to have a relationship. Therefore, to put distance between us so that nothing could happen I dated Luka. Not that at one time I did not think that there might have been something more between Luka and myself, but I also now knew that I could not compete with the one woman who would always have a hold of his heart.

The sadness that had been in Carter's eyes when he left did not seem to be there anymore. He seemed happier than he had been. How this place could make anyone happy was beyond my comprehension. I sat there in silence. I wanted to pull my hand away from his, but having that contact with him was something that no matter how hard I tried not to missed dearly.

"If that's what you want to believe Carter." I said with out realizing it. God how hearing me say that must have cut him to the bone. 'Abby what in bloody hell were you thinking saying that.' I said to myself once again. He has probably beaten himself up over that a thousand times and here I go putting salt in an open would.

I watched his eyes fill almost instantly with sadness. My heart broke with those big brown eyes that once looked at me with love in them now looked at the ground. "Yeah I do believe that Abby. Forgive me if it's wrong."

Why did I feel the need to be so cold towards him? I thought with all the time that I had spent in therapy and wishing that he was back in Chicago I would have been a little more open towards him. I tried to find the words to say to him, but they just did not want to come. I felt the hurt and anger that was there when he left that second time flowing inside me. There was so much that we needed to work out.

"I didn't mean that John."

"It's okay, yes you did." I could hear complete flatness in his voice now. It was almost as if he had been defeated and was about to give up.

Quickly I decided to speak before he got the completely wrong idea. "It's not what you think. If I had not been there, someone else would have Carter, the doctors at County have come to love you, and you are like family. If I hadn't done it then someone else would have come along and done the same thing for you." I said talking about a million miles an hour.

"I suppose you are right." I hear him say.

I tried to stir up all the courage that I had inside me to tell him what I was feeling but finding those right words was a lot harder than I thought it would be. I wondered if this was as hard for him as it was for me.

"So much has changed Carter." I start to say. "I got fed up with the way things were going so I went back to med-school. Now I'm here in the Congo and none of it makes much sense. I don't know if I came here to prove something to myself, to you or to everyone at County that I can cut it as a doctor." I start to say, "But whatever the reason I'm here now and we need to clear the air between each other so that we can at least work with each other."