Chapter 8 Clearing the Air
I let Abby's words sink in. She wanted to clear the air between us. I thought long and hard about those words. It felt like an eternity before I was able to say anything to her. What did I say to something like that? That I was happy she was here and that I still loved her and wanted to be with her, even though from the way she was talking she did not want that. I was not going to put my heart out on the table for her to Mexican hat dance on. I would not let it work that way.
"What do you want me to say Abby?" I asked her as I tried to avoid looking in her eyes. "That coming back here was a mistake that I shouldn't have left you the way that I did?"
Even though I did not want my heart out there, it was overruling my brain right now. This might not have been the smartest thing that I could have done, but it was what I was doing.
I watched her lift her head up to look at me. I knew that she was going to say something, but I did not know if I was ready to hear what she was going to say.
"No Carter, that's not what I want you to say." Her voice was soft and even as she spoke to me.
I found myself looking down now. Honesty, what we needed was honesty and I found myself drawn to her. Like a moth to a flame, I could not have pulled away from her if I had wanted to. Protecting my heart and what was left of my feelings did not seem so important anymore.
"You said you wanted to clear the air between us so that we could at least work together Abby." I started to speak finding newfound courage that I thought had been long gone with everything that had happened. I would give her what I thought that she wanted even if it cost me everything I had dreamed of over the past eighteen months. "Abby, I wasn't running away from you. I needed some space to clear my head. Everything that was happening back in the states was too much for me. We were in a place that I did not want us to be. I was angry at everything that had happened. Getting the news that Luka was missing, I could not just leave him here like that. He was my friend and even though before coming to Africa we did not see eye to eye, there was something about this place that brought out the best in both of us. He is a good man Abby and one that I am proud to call my friend. I needed to make sure that he got home."
I paused for a minute to take in air. I had spit all of that out so fast that my head was almost spinning. I did not know how she was going to take this. I was almost scared for what was coming next. I reached out again taking her hand into mine.
"The one thing that I found here Abby, the one thing that it has reinforced even after all this time, is that no matter what happens or how far away from you I try to get I still love you. I knew that when I came back the first time. I was heartbroken when you shut me out, not that I blame you. I do not blame you at all. I wanted to try to pick up the pieces of what might have been left of our relationship but it seemed to me at the time that was not what you wanted. You had moved on with your life and now here looking at you, it is even clearer that is what you have done. I love you Abby. God help me I do."
I let go of her hand and took a few steps away from her almost as if I knew what was going to come next. As much as it hurt, as much as I did not want it that way, "Abby it's okay if you don't want that. When I said that you could move on with your life and if you weren't there for me when I got back, I meant it."