Chapter 9 Guilty parties
I listened to Carter speaking, holding onto his words, they were a lifeline for me. "What do you want me to say Abby?" I heard him ask. I asked myself that too. I did not know what to say. There had to be more to it than I am sorry. He had to have more of a reason for things going the way that they did. I was finding it hard to look at him, although I did not know why. It was Carter, not a stranger standing before me. On the other hand, was he now a stranger to me after all the time that we had spent apart?
I lifted my head up bringing my eyes to meet his before I started to speak carefully choosing my words. "No Cater, that's not what I want you to say." I fought to keep my voice from breaking as I said that. I was not sure if he could even hear my reply. However, I watched, as his eyes were now downcast, as if to say that you are right I am lying.
He was silent now and I did not know what to make of that. As he began to speak again there was more strength now behind his words, it felt like he had a newfound conviction behind his words. I listened to him carefully taking in each one as if it might be the last words that we ever spoke to each other.
His voiced now had faded into silence. The words of I love you Abby, god help me I do. Where now ringing in my ears. How could I not want that? What had I done to make him that that I did not want that? I thought long and hard about what he had just said to me.
I could not help but wonder if this was Carter's way of letting me go, a finalization to our relationship that neither of us could bring ourselves to. I had not come all this way to walk away from him. My feet were heavy and I knew that there was no way that I could walk away from him. I was so tired that I was going to have to speak now not later. I chose my words ever so carefully. I did not want to come across as being confrontation about this or cold and heartless.
"Carter that's not what I want, not at all. I did not travel here to say that it is over, that we are beyond repair. We each had issues that we had to work on before we could be a couple, a real couple. I can see how you think that I have moved on with my life, but that does not mean that there is not any room in it now for you. I made a conscious decision in Chicago to move forward with my life. To move away from all the negativity that was surrounding me. I spent the time that you were away working on me, for me. With out the pressures of changing for someone else I was able to clearly see that I had to make these changes for myself. It enabled me to become the person that I wanted to be. Not who you wanted me to be, not for Maggie, not for Eric, but for me." I said sinking back in the chair feeling completely exhausted. I did not think that in coming here I would end up having to defend my actions to him. Maybe I was not defending them now that I thought more about it, but more of an explanation of why I had done what I had.
Guilt started to slowly eat at me. Hearing Carter say that he loved me and knowing what I had done in Chicago all those months ago. But what had happened wasn't love. I was looking for comfort.
I had just gotten that letter from Carter saying not to wait for him and Luka was reeling from Gillian's news of a boyfriend back in Montreal. I hadn't meant for it to happen the way that it did, but I also knew that it was something that we both needed at the time. I couldn't deny that I still had some kind of feelings for Luka. I cared for him. How could I not? We were good friends and good friends took care of each other when they needed taking care of. Just like Carter couldn't turn his back on Luka when he was missing in Africa, I couldn't' turn my back on Luka when he was hurting so bad in Chicago.