Title: Lost Purpose (Pt 2/2)
Author: unwinding fantasy (formerly Aqua Phoenix1)
Disclaimer: Don't own The Matrix.
Rating: K+ (slashy undertones abound.)
Pairing: Smith x Neo

Smith…I know you won't believe this -- after all, it's in your nature to disagree with me -- but I do understand how you feel… I felt exactly the same before I was freed. Every day was like the one before: depressing, tedious, dull. My life was a colourless, meaningless existence and not a single day went by that I didn't contemplate suicide. I needed to rid myself of these God-awful emotions.

I'm grateful that somewhere deep inside I knew there was some reason behind it all. There had to be. It wasn't real enough. I guess that's why I so readily accepted my destiny. True, at first I didn't want things to change -- hell, any human would prefer a normal life to something strange and new -- …but I couldn't refuse. In Zion I had a meaning. It was what I had longed for all my life, a sense of belonging. I can understand that now.

Then came Trinity. Her love for me knew no boundaries; she was the only one who gave me reason to live on, to keep fighting. But you, Smith… you gave me purpose. I think that was even more important than the love I received from her. I at least owe you that much.

Truth be told, I'm still feeling empty. At least I was needed before. I was the only one who stood a chance at liberating the coppertops and bringing the Matrix to an end. But now I've completed my objective and I hate this feeling of desolation that comes with my loss of purpose, of growing obsolete, last year's car model. Trinity's gone too, just another reminder of my incompetence. Sometimes I blame you for it because if you hadn't blinded me maybe I would have been able to save her. But I also know it's only human nature at work trying to cleanse my guilt-ridden conscience. I know there's no one to blame but myself, but I still haven't come to terms with her passing away. I miss the strong reassurance she gave me. That meant more than all the faith of Zion.

So... you find yourself trapped in another prison, one just as artificial as the Matrix itself. This may come as a surprise to you, but Zion was just as confining. I couldn't go anywhere without being recognized. I was continually burdened by millions of insignificant questions; people wanted my opinions when in actuality my opinion's no better than anyone else's. I felt… stupid. Ridiculed. Like there was no true reason for me to continue living. Then I was back in that uncomfortable chair with my headphones blaring cryptic songs, slumped over my desk while meaningless messages scrawl across my computer screen. And I felt like dying.

Everyone back home (Home? Did I ever really have one?) expects so much of me. Surely they still believe I will return to them. But I'm not a god. I was driven crazy by all that pressure. I know it must sound selfish to you, but I can't reject my feelings. That would be denying my own humanity. I must accept them and turn them to my own advantage. It's the only way I can blunder my way through another awkward day as mankind's "savior."

I want to tell you I hate you. I want to say that the very thought of you makes me nauseous. But I can't. You don't make me angry anymore and that scares me shitless. The thought of fighting you again excites me, re-energizes my body -- it's like the euphoria that only the highest quality hash brings, but better. And I feel like my life has meaning again. I want to fight you. I want my purpose back.

I'll come find you…