Authors' Notes: This is just a lighthearted humour fiction, meant to make you laugh, and not much else. Apologies to Fluffy-sama for making him look just a little silly. He can rest easy in the knowledge that we love him, we worship him, and we mean no disrespect…but he just looks so cute when he's flustered.
By the way, we consider this to be in the same universe as Star Crossed Youkai, though, of course, significantly earlier in time. What? You haven't read Star Crossed Youkai yet? Well go! Go read it! There's not much there…yet, but the next chapter is actually coming along quite nicely, and what is there is pretty good…if we do say so ourselves…
The Lady of Blackmour and the EarthDragonette do not own Fluffy-sama, Inuyasha, Rin, or any of the others. But we do lay claim to the cuteness that is Yuki, Kanaye, and Kisho. However, we refuse to babysit. Sorry, Yasha.
Rated for sexual references and Yasha's very colourful language choices.
Bedding Virgins: 101
Brought to you by: The BlackmourDragon
(Lady Blackmour and EarthDragonette)
As dawn kissed the horizon behind the tiny village on the first true summer morning, a monk entered a small clearing, his eyes intent upon an old stone well. Sighing with relief – they had not arrived yet – he settled down to wait for his guests.
"Let's hope they arrive soon," he murmured to himself, thinking of the formidable presence he had left in the village…his wife would have a few words to say to him later. He chuckled. "Not that I won't be able to calm her down," he laughed, his fingers already twitching just a bit as his palms began to itch for a certain, rounded—
"What the hell are you laughing about, ya damn lecher?" came a harsh voice from just below him.
He jumped up, and turned, grinning, to see a young man, somewhere in his twenties, climb out of the well. It took him a moment to adjust to the sight before him – even after all of these years, he was still more used to another form. Instead of the trademark white hair and yellow eyes, his visitor sported a mane of dark locks and piercing violet orbs. At the moment, however, the old scowl was still present – and fixated on him, unfortunately. Well, he was used to dispensing with that particular trademark, just a little charm and –
"Inuyasha! Please try to watch your mouth in front of the children. It's bad enough that they have your energy – I don't need them talking like you, too." Another head popped out of the well, this time of a young woman that had not, despite the years, changed overmuch.
Inuyasha tossed his head back towards the well, shrugging his shoulders in the process, "Whadya mean MY mouth? I don't say nothing that'll offend 'em. They're tough kids – I was sayin' worse stuff at their age-"
Smack.
"Ooooowwwwwwwwww!!!!!! That hurt!"
"You may have had a filthy mouth at the age of five, but my children will just have to wait until they're ten. Now help me out – Yuki's basket is stuck on a root."
Properly contrite, despite some slight grumbling, the man nudged his wife out of the way, extending his long reach down the well and gently extricating a white wicker basket. Handing it and its cushioned cargo to Kagome, he dropped his hand down the well again and, in one strong pull, produced not one, but three small boys.
"UNCLE MIROKU!!!!!"
The monk barely had time to brace himself, before two small bodies hurled themselves at him. He did, however, manage to catch them without hurting himself, and even managed to prevent them all from tumbling directly into the nearest tree.
"Oooomph! Kanaye! Kisho! I've missed you boys! How have you been?"
Kanaye made a face. "We hadta go ta Preschool Uncle Miroku!
Kisho nodded. "Really, Uncle Miroku, we're only five years old! Don't you think that's too young to go to school?"
"Well," Miroku replied, quite seriously, and getting that look on his face that said he was about to impart some great priestly wisdom, "I think that you are never too young to begin learning."
Kanaye just rolled his eyes and began to paw through Miroku's robes, "Hey, Uncle, where's my present?"
Miroku kept a steady gaze on the child, ignoring Kagome's cry of dismay with saintly patience, "Whatever do you mean, Kanaye?"
Pink tongue sticking out from between his not-quite-grown teeth, Kanaye abandoned the left side of the robe and threw himself to the right, catching his balance on a pocket. "My present! Y'know, the one you always give me 'n Kisho when we come to visit! I want it!"
"Kanaye! That's not polite! Uncle Miroku has many things to do – he can't always have presents for you!"
Kisho chose this moment to join in the conversation, "But, Mama," he pointed out, "Uncle Miroku ALWAYS has presents for us. He should this time, too." Casting a suspicious glance at the monk, he added, "Don't you? I mean . . . I know you and Auntie Sango are busy . . . and you don't see us much . . . an'" now scuffing a foot on the ground, "we're getting pretty big for toys and stuff . . ." Big, purple eyes looked up at him, shining slightly in the morning light from unshed tears, "You don't hafta have a present for us."
"Oh shut up, Kisho," Kanaye huffed. "It's here somewhere." Diving over Miroku's head, Kanaye made to tear the robes back to expose the back folds. Just a bare moment after his little hand made contact with the fabric, however, a much larger, stronger hand grasped him by his shirt collar, the other hand holding his twin in a similar position.
"You're supposed to listen to yer Mother when she talks to you. If Uncle Miroku doesn't have a present for you, then you shouldn't go fishing for one anyway." Glancing at Kisho, he sneered slightly, "And don't think I don't know those tears are fake." Giving them a slight shake, he tossed them gently in the direction of the path to the village. "Go and tell Sango that we're here – run off some of your energy. Christ, you make ME tired."
"What about Shinta?" Kanaye asked, gesturing to the third youth with his thumb that had, up until this point, gone unnoticed by the monk.
"You can go with them, Shinta," Kagome said gently, then, "Boys! You stay with him, all right? He's never been here before, and I don't want to hear any horror stories!"
"Come on!" Kanaye shouted, and Shinta took off after them.
Miroku watched them blankly, then turned that blank gaze back on his friends. Kagome was currently busy gathering their things and packing away Yuki's basket for easy transport. Yuki herself was balanced on her father's shoulders, and he, for his part, was managing to only wince a little bit when she gave a hard tug to his hair.
"What…" Miroku managed, after a long pause. Kagome stopped what she was doing to look up at him. "Who…was that? You have another one!? Why have I never met him before? What, were you hiding him? He can't have come along since last winter!"
Inuyasha rolled his eyes. "Oh for…ya damned idiot, he's not ours. We're taking care of him while his parents are outta town. Jesus Fucking Christ!"
"I-nu-yasha!!" He yelped in a manner like a dog as one of his forelocks was tugged quite sharply by his wife. "Do not use that language in front of your two-year-old daughter!"
The dog likeness continued as he whined a little. "But Kagome, she's too little to repeat any of—"
He was cut off by Yuki herself, who squealed, quite happily, "Dezuz fugging Cwiste!!"
Inuyasha yelped a second time, swinging her down from his shoulders and shushing her fervently. "Don't say that, koinu! That's bad! You'll get Papa in trouble!"
Miroku, aware of the murderous look in Kagome's eyes, managed to suppress his laughter at their expense, especially when he remembered his…guest…
"Well, at any rate," he said, deciding it was best to change the subject, "I'm glad you're here. There's someone to see you."
Momentarily distracted from her path of vengeance, Kagome turned a questioning look to Miroku. "A visitor? Do they need a miko?"
The monk shook his head, stopping to glance at Inuyasha, "No . . . I don't believe that he came to see you, Kagome."
"Come on priest, just spit it out. Who the fu-," he glanced at Kagome. "Um, who's here to see me?" Just then, he cocked his head to the side and sniffed the air; even without his youkai powers, his sense of smell was still remarkably advanced. Holding on a little tighter to Yuki, he narrowed his eyes in the direction of the village.
"Sesshoumaru."
***
In the village, Sesshoumaru himself sat near the fire in the common room of the monk's home. The monk's woman was going about her work, though she always kept a wary eye on him. He ignored her, however, and instead watched her children play…and there were certainly a lot of them.
Sesshoumaru did not profess to know much about the aging patterns of humans but…she and her houshi did seem awfully young to have that many offspring.
He was feeling rather impatient, truth be told. He had picked up his brother's (slightly altered) sent the moment he'd come out of the well, and now he couldn't help but wonder what was taking so damn long—
Never mind.
"Auntie SANGO!!"
Sesshoumaru winced as the shrill scream fell on his sensitive ears. His brother's twin pups, Kanaye, and Kisho, exploded into the room, followed by a human boy he didn't recognize. Sango stopped what she was doing and greeted them. He himself didn't pay much attention. Something about presents, and preschool, whatever that was, and he didn't really care, he had more important things to think about—
"Oi!! Look, Kisho, its Uncle Sesshoumaru!"
His golden eyes focused on his two young nephews in time to see Kisho turn. A massive grin split the boy's face. "Uncle Sess!" he yelped, and before Sesshoumaru had time to be offended by the nickname, they were already in his lap.
"I wanna touch the tail!!! Can I touch the tail??? It's so cool! Papa doesn't have a tail!"
"He used to have ears, though," Kisho pointed out.
"Doesn't matter," Kanaye offered, his hand reaching for the fluffy, white tresses. "Uncle Sess's tail is SO much cooler than ears ever could be."
Sesshoumaru sighed and flicked his tail out of the way of his nephew's grasp, lazily moving his eyes over the two boys. "Don't you have something to maim or destroy? I don't have time for this today."
Mindless of what his uncle was actually saying, Kanaye had taken it upon himself to repeatedly leap at the tail, missing the end of it by mere inches with each jump. Rolling his eyes at his brother, Kisho frowned at Sesshoumaru. "But. . . uncle . . . we haven't seen you in a long time. We just wanted to say hello . . . we know you're busy . . . Papa told us that your job was REALLY important . . . we just . . . " Here his lower lip started to quiver, "We just wanted to . . . to say hello . . . "
Rolling his eyes in a rather similar manner, Sesshoumaru dropped his tail an inch or so, raising Kanaye's hopes and bringing a bright smile to Kisho's face. Leaning back and choosing not to answer any of Kisho's comments directly, the youkai lord changed the subject.
"Where is your father?"
Sitting in front of his uncle, Kisho gestured for Shinta to join him and, after a brief introduction, answered, "He's outside with Mama, Yuki, and Uncle Miroku. We were told to go ahead because," here Kisho leaned forward conspiratorially, "He was cursing a lot and Mama was getting a headache." He leaned back and nodded knowingly, "It happens alla time."
Rubbing his temples tiredly as Kanaye finally succeeded at grabbing his tail and giving it more than one *gentle* experimental tug, Sesshoumaru was forced to reply, "I'm not surprised."
It seemed, however, that the gods were merciful, for at that moment, said be-headached mother entered the scene, along with the man he had been waiting for, his brother.
"Kanaye," she said tiredly, "Please don't pull on your Uncle's tail. You know you wouldn't like it if you were him."
Kanaye pouted a little, but did as he was told, instead plopping down next to his poor, abused uncle. Kisho looked very proud that he had not been doing anything untoward when his parents arrived.
"All right there, Shinta?" Inuyasha asked, and indeed, the child was looking a little wide-eyed in the presence of the youkai. "It's all right," he continued, smiling encouragingly when the boy still seemed uncertain. "He's just my Nii-chan. He's a little…um, different, but he won't hurt you." Inuyasha gave his brother a look that said he'd better not make him a liar.
Shinta seemed to trust Inuyasha either way, and he stood to give Sesshoumaru a little bow. "I'm pleased t'meet you, sir," he said very politely, which of course caused Kanaye to burst out laughing.
"All right, that's enough," their father ordered. "Feh. You could learn a few things. Now you pups go on outside and play. We gotta talk to your uncle for a bit."
When all of the children – including Sango and Miroku's brood – had tumbled out of the house (with the exception of Yuki, who had decided to investigate her Auntie Sango's newly rounded abdomen), Inuyasha settled himself in front of Sesshoumaru with Kagome, looking at his older brother expectantly.
"Well?"
His yellow eyes darted first to Kagome's face, and then to Inuyasha's and his right eyebrow twitched slightly. For a long moment, he said nothing, and then abruptly stood up, his traveling cloak swirling about him.
"Inuyasha, we shall speak alone. Outside."
Eyes wide, Inuyasha protested, "But, we just sent the kids outside."
Ignoring his brother's gripes, Sesshoumaru nodded to Sango and Miroku before stepping outside, veering away from the dusty cloud of pups and heading in the opposite direction. After a few moments, he heard his brother behind him and opted to slow his stride a bit – although Inuyasha was still in exceptional physical shape, he no longer had the youkai gait that he'd had in the past.
"What the – puff – hell – puff – is wrong with you??"
Sesshoumaru kept walking.
"You show up – gasp – after being gone for months – puff—without a word of your – wheeze—whereabouts, and now you want to talk to me –pant—and you make a big fucking fuss?"
The inuyoukai Lord glanced over at him briefly but still declined to respond. Seeing this, Inuyasha stopped walking and leaned against a tree, glaring at his brother. "Sesshoumaru! Answer me! What the hell is going on? What's so important? For God sake, willya stop walking for a fucking second? One of us here is no longer a demon."
Sesshoumaru paused and sighed, "I . . . I apologize. I did not realize how weak you had become."
Eyes widening, Inuyasha stepped forward, "Now wait a second here. I may not tear out body parts, but I'm no weakling. YOU try watching three five year-old boys and a two year-old girl, and see how well you do. That's fucking hard."
His older brother turned to face him, his gaze darting around on the ground. "Actually . . . I . . . that is related to what I would like to speak to you about."
Confused, Inuyasha blinked rapidly at him. "You what?"
Gesturing ahead, Sesshoumaru said "Just a little further. There is a clearing where we may talk in private." Inuyasha had no choice but to follow, and soon found himself seated opposite his brother, completely intrigued.
After a long moment, he began. "It is laughable that I, Sesshoumaru, the Great Dog Youkai, Lord of the Western Land, would need advice from my human brother."
"Miroku said you were actually anxious. What on earth could make you anxious?"
"I . . .mumblegrumblemuttermumblemmmgm. . ."
"You what?"
"I have a question."
Inuyasha only continued to be perplexed. "You have a question for me?" Sesshoumaru glared at him. "Okay, sorry, I'm just…I'm just surprised, is all. No need to get all pissed off or nothin'. What's up, anyway?"
"Well…it's…it's about Rin."
Inuyasha leaned forward, his brow furrowing. "Is something wrong with her?"
His brother shook his head. "No no, nothing like that, it's just she's…well…she's… um…she's bigger now…"
Inuyasha raised his dark eyebrows in question. "Yes…well, that happens to kids, Sesshoumaru."
The youkai rolled his eyes. "No, no, no…she's…bigger. Different? You understand?"
Inuyasha blinked at him for another long moment, and all the while Sesshoumaru willed him to understand, so he didn't have to elaborate. Finally, his younger brother's eyes widened. "Oh!" He clapped a hand over his mouth. "Oh. I see…um…bigger. Right."
Sesshoumaru nodded. "Yes, and…well, she's…I mean, that is to say she's become very fond of me, and really, she needs someone to protect her…" Here his face darkened considerably. "And when we were passing near a human village just last week, this…this boy had the gall to speak to her. He actually asked her her name! I should have killed him, but of course she begged me not to." Here he put on his best air of I am the great Lord Sesshoumaru and I don't care even a little bit what anyone else wants, "I mean, really, I would have anyway, but he was hardly worth the time—"
"Oh for Chrissake, get on with it. I'm tired, and I'm hungry and I'm pretty damned sure I'd enjoy eating Sango's cooking much more than I enjoy listening to you posture."
Visibly ruffled, Sesshoumaru's hand reached reflexively for his sword. "Little brother, remember that you're human now."
Inuyasha rolled his eyes. "Don't think that's gonna work on me. You need my help. Stop being all ruffled and just talk. Jesus. So Rin's grown up now and everybody knows it. What does this have to do with me?"
Sesshoumaru glared at him and his hand moved closer to his sword hilt. "Nothing at all, if you know what's good for you."
Inuyasha blinked, completely and utterly confused. "I . . . then . . . what the fuck am I doing here?"
Sesshoumaru blinked back at Inuyasha as his younger brother moved to leave. Stretching out his hand to grab his shirtsleeve, he protested, "No, wait. I . . ." Gods, this was horrible – twice in one day. "I apologize. I . . . didn't mean it that way. Please, sit."
Visibly vexed, Inuyasha sat down again. "Spit it out. I'm getting pissed."
Taking a deep breath, Sesshoumaru gazed steadily at Inuyasha and asked the dreaded question, "How do you mate with a human?"
***
Moments later, Sesshoumaru was still unable to revive his brother. After minutes of hysterical laughter, the young man had passed out from lack of oxygen. Now, the Lord Youkai could do nothing but wait, and hope that upon regaining consciousness, his brother would not have forgotten the question – he didn't think he had the courage to ask it a second time. Still, if the hanyou-turned-human could be persuaded to offer a little advice . . and it would help Rin . . . maybe he could ask a second time.
Maybe.
Startled out of his reverie, Sesshoumaru nearly jumped as Inuyasha came to. It didn't take long for him to know that his question had not been forgotten – the grin splitting his brother's face in half was more than enough evidence to testify that nothing had been lost in the brief intermission.
Chuckling to himself, Inuyasha sat back up, only to break into peals of laughter again as he met his brother's eyes.
"Are you quite finished? It's not so terribly funny."
"The hell it ain't," Inuyasha answered, wiping his eyes. "All of those years when you hated me because I was half human? All the teasing because I married Kagome? All the harassment because I became a full human? And now . . . you don't just like them . . . you LOVE them. You do know, that your pups will be hanyou?"
Glaring at Inuyasha, Sesshoumaru was tempted to leave and forget that the conversation had ever taken place. "I am fully aware," he snarled, trying to be quite threatening, but his brother seemed immune. "Look, Inuyasha, have a good laugh at my expense, but save it for later. I don't have time to waste here with you."
Inuyasha was still grinning a little, but he managed to sober up enough to address the older youkai. "Look, I don't really get what the big problem is. You're pretty old. Surely you've mated before. Right? I mean, you're not gonna ask me to help you like…talk to her or anything, are you? 'Cause I ain't gettin' involved in that."
Sesshoumaru puffed. "Rin and I have an understanding – it is merely . . . time to take the next step." Here he drew himself up, "And I've certainly mated before. But Rin is, as I've pointed out, human. Not youkai. You understand? They are far more delicate." He paused. "Besides, she's…well, she is untouched, you understand…"
Inuyasha leaned back with a knowing "Aaaaaaah." "I see," he said. "Yes, bedding virgins is tricky business. Mind you, I've only done it once, and at the time, I was just as inexperienced as you, plus there's the whole fact that you're a lot stronger than I am now, and Rin, unless she had a tremendous growth spurt since last I saw her, is still smaller than Kagome—"
He paused when he noticed his brother looking…Christ, was he looking just a little desperate?
Inuyasha sighed. "Look, I'll tell you what I know. Oi, you wait here for just a bit. I'm gonna go see if Miroku has any saké. This may take a while."
***
A few hours later and numerous cups of saké existing only as distant memories, Sesshoumaru dragged his bleary eyes to Inuyasha's face, fully educated, completely knowledgeable, and utterly terrified.
"But . . . " he croaked, draining his cup another time to nudge him along in the conversation – it had been the only real reason he had had the nerve to ask some of the questions that had been on his mind, "You are certain that . . . she will at least come to enjoy all of it?"
Inuyasha gave him a loopy smile and raised his cup, "Of course." Leaning forward and checking the trees to make sure that no one was watching, he whispered, "Kagome and I," he pointed to himself. . . vaguely, "Haven't had a single problem since the first time." He sat up proudly and took another swig, "She loves it."
Sesshoumaru gazed at his brother in awe. "Every time?"
Inuyasha nodded. "Every time. Listen," here he hiccupped, "You just . . you gottta be patient, y'know? You . . . you . . . you need to be sensitive to her needs and …" he screwed up his face, "and . . . honor her process. It . . . it takes time."
Nodding sagely and full of understanding, the Lord Youkai responded, "Then, it's not so different from youkai. I mean, there's less poison involved . . . and not nearly as many claws. And I wouldn't have to watch out for planet alignment – that was always . . . difficult."
Inuyasha blinked, "What the hell are you talking about?"
Sesshoumaru gazed into his cup for a moment before responding, "I don't really think it matters anymore." Taking a sip, he smiled grimly to himself. "Patience. Sensitivity. Honoring . . . and . . .that thing about the food. Yes, this I can do." Satisfied, he stood up . . . albeit with more than a little difficulty, Inuyasha joined him, grabbing on to the saké flasks before reaching out to his brother for support.
"Home, nii-chan. Before we get ourselves drunk or something."
"Indeed. It would not do for the Lord of the Western Lands to be foxed."
"Never."
***
That night, when Inuyasha had (finally) slept off some of his inebriation, when the children had (finally) received their presents and all of them, even Kanaye, had (finally) gone to bed, and when the adults had (finally) settled down for the evening, Kagome got the chance to question her husband. "Well, Yasha, tell me! What did he want?"
He blinked sleepily up at her, trying to tug her back down to the futon. "C'mon, Kagome, don' make me talk now. My head hurts and I'm sleepy, and . . . I wanna go t'sleep."
"I'll just bet your head hurts. But you're not getting off. I would like to know what was so terrible that it required you drinking two barrels of Miroku's holy rice wine."
He grumbled.
"Come on," she purred, giving his ears a little rub, which he still liked quite a lot, whether or not they were white, fuzzy, and located on top of his head. She pouted. "Please?"
Inuyasha "hmm'ed" his pleasure, nevertheless thinking that he knew where Kisho got it from, and finally offered, "Rin got…bigger."
Kagome looked at him for a moment. Then she smiled. "Oooooooh. I told you so."