A Most Unfortunate Tale

Chapter 2) He thinks I'm Gay?

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter (almost said Pooter…I don't own that, either!) or the Harry Potter Universe. Yeah, J.K Rowling is great. Yeah. Romeo and Juliet doesn't belong to me either. Yeah, Shakespeare is great. Yeah. Yes, anyway, normal disclaimer stuff in here, and in future chapters too, should I happen to forget.

Hey Everybody! Thanks for the reviews, they keep me going ^_^ I hope you like this next chapter, I'll try to make them longer, because I've noticed that they're a little on the short side. Mm, I've been rather busy lately, mostly due to school. I've got some homicidal professors this term. And my parking permit melted last week, woe is me. Oh well, I'll finish this fic; no worries!

I was thinking about holding a contest while writing this fic. It would be mostly Harry Potter trivia, AMUT trivia, and guessing for certain questions, pretty easy stuff. If you're for the idea, tell me! And if you're not, tell me! And if you're indifferent, well…you don't have to tell me @.@ I have a reward in mind, but I'd like the readers' input too. If I get some support for this, there'll be further explanation on the next update. Thanks kindly!

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"Albus, you must realize that people might not want to play aged and obese wet nurses." Minerva tried to find a flaw in his plan.

"Ah, Minerva, you needn't worry yourself over something like that. I already told you, I've got it all taken care of," he said solemnly, "This play will bring the school together!"

She nodded resignedly and turned to pet Fawkes, "So I take it you'll be the sole judge at the Auditions."

She sighed at his enthusiastic nod, "Alright, I give up. I'll see you at dinner, Albus."

"Dinner, it is."

~~~~

Hermione pulled and tugged at her hair, but the confetti just wouldn't come out. Finally, in a fit of frustration, she grabbed her wand from her nightstand and attempted to charm it away. This, of course, led to her hair turning into a devastatingly bright shade of purple.

She moaned, and tried to change it back to its original color. After several failed attempts, she had to settle for blonde before she could show herself in public. The blonde wasn't very flattering, but it was All Natural compared to the bright purple and jungle green.

She put her wand down and tried to enjoy the rest of her shower, even if she looked like a Malfoy. She still had confetti in her hair, but against the gold, it looked more like decoration than the Disgusting Maggots that it had appeared to be in contrast to her brown hair.

She finished with her decidedly uncomfortable shower and toweled herself off.

'Aren't Saturdays supposed to be leisurely?' she thought, as she held up her hair to examine it closely.

With a sigh, she got dressed and tied her color-speckled golden hair into a ponytail. It would be a long day, and she wasn't to be blamed for any Frustration Induced accidents that might result in limb misplacement.

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"Fifteen points from Hufflepuff for getting in my way!" he stared coldly down at the third year boy who looked as if he was about to collapse.

Severus released a big sigh, "That. Means," and he shoved the young boy out of his way, "MOVE!"

The trembling boy readily moved out of Angry Severus Snape's way and ran toward his common room.

'Stupid dimwits, the lot of them' he thought as he shoved his way through the scared students of Hogwarts.

Finally, he came to a door beside the statue of Marisa of Sandwich.

"I am sofa king we Todd did," and Severus was let through.

He knew he'd find Minerva there, and he glared at her as she moved her Knight to checkmate the opposing King.

"I'm sorry, Filius, I'm afraid you owe me another Blue Label Ogden's." she smiled warmly to him.

"Good game, Minerva, as always. You'll find the bottle in your desk on Monday," he cheerfully lifted his hands and looked away from the massacre that was the chessboard.

"Severus! Finally out of that old catacomb, I see," Filius became increasingly 'jolly' with the more alcohol he consumed.

He wisely sidestepped in order to dodge the attempted bear hug. "Good afternoon, Filius," and the shorter man stumbled off in the general direction of the other side of the room.

Severus, however, was standing in front of McGonagall as she set up the board for another round of chess, "Would you like to join me, Severus?"

"Sorry to disappoint, but I don't play Wizard's Chess," he glared icily at her.

"Well, then why ever have you come down here? You know very well that this is the Official Room In Which To Engage In Healthy and Competitive Wizard's Chess as Albus titled it years ago," she stated pointedly, and he merely kept his glare going.

"Of course I'm very well aware of that, Minerva. I came to discuss the," he paused as he tried to think of something to yell at her about, "the bloody play! Who's Brilliant Idea was it to stage that stupid muggle play at Hogwarts, anyway?" He knew that the answer was most definitely Dumbledore, but he liked to yell.

"You know it was Dumbledore. And stop yelling at me, Severus. It isn't my fault that you have to play the Nanny," she faked a look of shocked fear, and covered her mouth with her hand as if she'd let something slip.

"I. Have. To. WHAT???"

'Oh great, he's in blind rage now. Beautiful, Minerva, just beautiful.' she lamely considered her options. Egg him on or try to calm him down?

"Ahem, so Severus, have you asked Filius yet for the Breast Enhancement Charm?"

"This is unacceptable! I will not tolerate it, Dumbledore will simply have to do without a Potions Master if I'm to play the part of a woman!" he was panicking, and it was oh so much fun to watch him pace the room in anxiety.

"He'll also need to charm most of your teeth away, as the Nurse only has a few, you know," she internally grinned as she watched him lose his self-control.

"Auugh! Minerva, you and Albus will live to regret the day you make me walk onto that stage! I will make sure of it!" and he was out of the room in a flurry of black fabric.

"So, Filius, do you think he'll agree to take the part of Paris now? It might be such a relief for him, not having to play the Nanny, He might actually take the part!" she laughed at the thought of it.

"Minerva, you know as well as I do that he'll not have it. Dumbledore did say he had a choice, after all. What a shame…" He looked wistfully toward the empty bottle of Ogden's Old Firewhiskey and sighed, "We've got the hard jobs, Minerva, We have to do backstage magic… When will Dumbledore calm down and run this school like normal?"

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"Finally, where have you been, Harry?" Ron admonished him, slightly pink in the face from flying around the pitch.

"Ugh, I got intercepted by Malfoy. You can only *guess* what happened, hm?" and Harry closed his eyes, trying to ward the thoughts away.

"He didn't give you Gay, did he?" Ron tried to look as if were about to gag, but sneezed instead.

Harry opened his eyes when cold droplets of water sprayed over his arms, "Ron! What did I tell you about sneezing on me?" he wiped his arms on his Quidditch robes and turned to hit Ron over the head.

"Uh, Sorry. Think I've got a cold, sorry," he was busily trying to suppress any resemblances to homosexuality, with Harry looking all the worried friend.

"Uh, you okay? We don't have to practice today, if you've got a cold," he jumped back though, when Ron sneezed in the air again.

"Nuh uh, Harry. Nothing's stopping me from practicing, it's been weeks since I've gotten on a broom," he fished in his pockets for a tissue; failing to find one, he used Harry's robes.

"Ron! How many times do I have to tell you?!" he tried to keep the edge out of his voice, as Ron *did* have a cold, after all.

"Mph, Sorry," they stood there awkwardly until Harry took it upon himself to lift his broom and let loose the Bludgers and the Golden Snitch.

They both lifted off and flew in the direction of their prizes. Ron hit one of the Bludgers with a 'thwack!' that resounded through the stadium as Harry barely dodged it. This went on until Harry caught the Snitch for the seventh time.

The skies began to darken and the two called it a day. Just before they walked into the locker rooms to dress though, Ron walked Very Near Harry, looking deep in thought. Ron stumbled as they walked, and the two bumped heads. He looked up and smiled sheepishly, patting Harry's forehead in an attempt to smooth down his hair.

"NGYAH!" and Harry jumped back, rubbing his forehead with the back of his hand, "What the hell is wrong with you??"

"Uh…" Ron's face was (once again) turning bright red, and instead of responding, he took the trunk that held the Quidditch balls and quickly walked toward the castle.

Harry stood silently, horrified at the turn of events, and remained on the Hogwarts grounds until the darkness of night would no longer permit him to be a dumbass.

~~~~

Hermione walked into the Great Hall with a frown plastered onto her face. She tried to cover her hair with a pointed hat, but it made her look bald. She eventually gave up on that and let her hair down, curls and all.

As expected, the entire hall was staring at her new hair color. She tried not to pay attention to their hushed whispers, but Draco took it upon himself to trip her. She dodged his foot, but not his arm, and she nearly fell over herself.

"That's twenty points from Slytherin, you stupid git!" she screamed at him, before realizing that the entire Great Hall was listening to her. "That is…. That is what you wanted to be called, isn't it?" 'Oh crap, that didn't help, did it?' she thought, before she ran to her seat at the Gryffindor table.

"Uh, Hermione…I'm pretty sure you didn't mean that. Please tell me you didn't mean that," said Ginny, who looked fearfully at her, and let out an audible sigh of relief as Hermione nodded with her head in her hands.

"I found out who's trying out, if you still want to know," Ginny tried to steer the conversation in a safe direction.

Immediately, Hermione's head shot up, and before she could stop herself, she asked loudly, "Who??"

"You wont believe this, Neville's trying out! He won't say for what though. I heard from a group of Ravenclaws that Harry was going to audition for Romeo, but that's not much of a surprise…" she paused to collect her thoughts, "We all know Draco's going to try for something, and everybody's scared he'll audition for the part of Juliet," she rested her elbow on the table and held her chin in her hand to see if there was anything she was forgetting, "Oh yeah! Luna Lovegood is trying out for the part of the Nurse. I heard it's going to be really gross, but there isn't anyone I know but Luna who'd accept *that* role."

Hermione listened intently to Ginny's list of names. If she was going to get the part of Juliet, she had to know just what kind of competition there was. Being Head Girl certainly had its perks. She would be able to flush out any possible Juliets and disqualify them before the Auditions. Nothing would stop her from becoming Juliet!

"Oh, and listen to *this*, there's a rumor flying around Slytherin that Professor Snape is going to audition!" Ginny cringed at the mere thought of it, "Wait…What if he wants to be Romeo?"

Hermione shrieked at that, and slapped her hand over her mouth when students began looking in her direction. "You've GOT to be kidding! For…for one, why would he want to play the male lead, much less actually be in the play?!" Logic was overcoming her in the wake of unbridled apprehension. "I think there's more to it than that, Ginny. Please let there be more to it than that."

What scared her most, though, was that she knew nothing would stop her from playing Juliet. Not even having to play opposite the Scariest Person Ever.

~~~~

Albus Dumbledore looked over the rim of his goblet to the Mass of Fretful Students that was the Great Hall. He was reveling in the chaos that he'd created, and he'd be sure to keep it going as long as possible.

"Has anybody seen Severus, tonight?" he inquired to the rest of the staff, "I thought he'd be here, what with the discussions of the upcoming School Event."

Minerva cleared her throat and addressed the issue, "Severus was…preoccupied with the prospect of playing the Nurse…. I'm sorry Albus, but I just couldn't resist." She really wasn't sorry at all, as Albus laughed merrily in tune with her words.

Feigning a contemplative look, she looked up to the ceiling with her hand on her chin and said, "I distinctly remember suggesting Filius's proven and patented Breast Enhancement Charm…Needless to say, he wasn't pleased…actually, I think he went on a murderous rampage."

"Minerva! You…You're…BRILLIANT!" Albus wheezed between breaths, and banged his goblet against the table several times, "Remind me to get you a few dozen Blue Label Ogdens' next Christmas. Do you think he'd actually play the part?" he had to clamp his eyes shut to hold in the tears that were threatening to fall.

"That, I'm not sure of. He didn't seem exactly pleased with the idea of having to play the nurse…." The rest of the table laughed at Severus' expense.

They were all unfortunately none the wiser to Severus' maniacal potion brewing in the laboratory below. Unbeknownst to Severus, he was brewing the exact same potion that was used, in The Play, to knock out Juliet for a good couple of days.

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Lol, this was a weird chapter, I admit. You can't blame me, I have the flu and I'm high on medicine and cough syrup. *twirls*

I love reviews and reviewers! Keep in mind that your name will be immortalized on both the review page AND the next update, so review, people!! BUA HA HA HA HA! Thanks ^_^ Much love to everybody, and special thanks to my WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL BETA, TheLilyMalfoy! She's the one you thank for good grammar and the removal of HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE SPLEINGL!