Tea Party
By Birdie
Disclaimer: Cain, Merryweather, Riff and Jezebel do not belong to me, but Kaori Yuki.
Summary: sequel to "Picnic Party". This time, Merry pulls Cain into shopping with some of her friends on her birthday. Hmm... four girls, one boy with lots of money on a busy street equals: mayhem and craziness. Enjoy! Ah yes, this has NOTHING to do with "Picnic Party", by the way.
The sun rose beyond the roof of the Hargreave's estate, slowly like a snail, embracing all beings with it's gentle light and comforting warmth. The only people crazy enough to get up at this hour was the servants, who were carrying on their daily routine without complaint ...much.
Surprisingly, the Hargreave's only KNOWN daughter (you never know, there may be another one), Merryweather, was also up. She skipped down the stairs happily, humming to herself a little tune of joy. She walked into the kitchen, to find the head butler, eating his breakfast before serving his master's.
"Good morning, Riff." Merry said brightly, smiling up at the man.
Riff smiled back to the little girl, putting down his spoon. "Ah, you're up early, Miss Merryweather," he pointed out. "Why may that be?"
Merry gave a sly smile, which she inherited from her father (her brother also inherited that smile, but looks much better doing it then her) "It's my birthday today!" she whispered slowly.
Riff raised an eyebrow. "Oh? So soon?" he asked, shocked. "I was not expecting that! Master Cain has not said a word about it! Oh dear," Riff muttered suddenly, looking around. "We have not prepared for it..."
"That's alright," Merry interrupted, waving a hand quickly for Riff to stop. "My friends are taking me to town, we're going to have lunch and maybe go to a shop. We won't even be back for tea, so that would not matter."
The blonde butler sighed with relief. "Alright then," he said, standing up and putting his meal into the sink. He stopped, and looked a little guilty. He turned to the blonde standing beside him and said: "I have not got you a present, is that alright, Miss Merryweather?" Riff knew all little girls liked presents on any occasion.
Merry nodded quickly, reassuringly. "Oh yes, that is perfectly alright!" she told him with confidence in her eyes. "Brother Cain said that he would get me an expansive dress and jewellery, which he said would be from you and him!"
Riff smiled warmly. He bent down and hugged Merry. "Happy birthday, Miss Merryweather." He told her in a quiet voice.
A giggle escaped from the little girl. "Do you think I should call Big Brother up to give me his present now, Riff?" she asked.
Turning to the window, Riff looked out to the massive garden out back. The dew on the grass sparkled like tiny crystals, and the birds had just began to chirp quietly in the trees. "No, let him sleep some more," the man replied, shaking his head whilst still looking into the world outside. "It's too early for such a thing."
Merry shrugged unchanged. "Alright," she told him. "I'll wait." And walked out of the kitchen, back upstairs and into her room to do...what little girls do.
~*~
Inside her room, Merryweather looked at the clock again. It was almost eleven o'clock. She sighed, and looked around her room. The wallpaper was a light shade of pink with dark red patterns on it. Scattered randomly across the room were teddy-bears and china dolls, all useless presents from her brother whenever she threw a tantrum.
Merry wished her brother didn't keep sending her presents whenever she wanted him to tell her something. He hides all sorts of things from her, like what he does and who he does it with. If only he would just be honest with her for once; it's not like she's never heard such things before. But this time will be different: Cain promised to buy her the new dress, which was specially made in France, with silk fills and flowers made of satin. They were fake, but looked almost real. There was a custom made petticoat that went along with it, and sashes at were put in all the places that would show off your figure.
That dress was the finest Merryweather had ever seen. She had never wanted anything so badly in her life. Her brother promised it to her, it would be a promise he would keep this time. She was sure of that.
Suddenly, the doorbell rang. A servant opened it, and there was an uproar of little females voices, chatting like a bunch of canaries on a branch. It was Merryweather's friends.
Merry ran downstairs and greeted them all warmly. There was Elizabeth, or Beth, who was a socially high-classed girl with blonde hair and blue eyes like Merry, only much older. Next to Beth was her cousin Angela, who had brown hair and blue eyes. Beth and Angela were fashionable young women, who knew what was in style and what was not. They were very picky, and slightly spoilt, but not bad people on the whole. The last friend was a red-haired girl called Rebecca, or Becky. She was not rich at all, coming from a poor family. But Merry knew Becky even before the days before Cain found her, and since Becky was such a nice, easygoing girl, the two remained friends. Cain even introduced Becky to a lord at a party, and they were to marry next year.
"Merry!!" they beamed. They greeted her back, and wished her a happy birthday.
"Say," said Beth in a questioning tone. "Where's that dress your brother said he was going to get you?"
"Ah yes!" said Riff, looking over his shoulder to Cain. "Master Cain, you said you were going to get Miss Merryweather a dress!"
Cain was, at that time, sitting down at the table eating his breakfast. He stopped buttering his toast, and put the knife down slowly. "Dress...Merry?" he asked, frowning. "What dress?"
Merry paled, the colour drained from her face. "What do you mean, 'what dress', brother?" she asked in returned, her voice shaking. "You promised to get me the 'Fleur de Filles' dress for my birthday!!!"
The dark-haired count suddenly remember, and gulped for a second. He wasted no time to make up a valid excuse "I looked for it, but I could not find it." he told his little sister.
"That's not an excuse!" Angela snapped in anger. "I saw it in the shops just a few days ago!"
"Maybe the dress you saw was a replica, a fake." Cain replied back, quite calmly.
"It was not! I know a real French dress when I see one!!!"
Merry was almost in tears. Her brother PROMISED her this dress, and yet again, it was a promise broken. How could she ever trust her brother again?
"Don't worry, Merry," Cain said, walking over. "I'll go to the shops today and get it for you by the end of the day."
Becky smiled at something she thought of and said to Cain: "Mr. Cain, we are actually going shopping ourselves. Maybe you should come with us, and we'll all buy some dresses!"
Cain did not like the idea of "we'll ALL buy dresses", as men don't wear dress, but he nodded slowly because after all, he had to make up for his little sister's unhappiness.
~*~
"We're here!" called the coach-driver. The girls at the back squealed with delight, opening the black, velvet covered carriage door and rushing out. Cain decided to come out last to avoid the rush. He jumped down and paid the carriage man.
"Hurry up, brother!" Merry called angrily. She gestured for him to go into the clothes shop, where her friends already were, browsing through the many different selection of clothes.
"You're going to have a lot of trouble keeping those girls in check, sir..." the driver muttered awkwardly.
"I know..." Cain muttered through gritted teeth. He paid the driver a little bit extra (the poor man had to put up with a lot of noise throughout the journey) and ran into the shop to chase after his sister.
The shop of quite small, with wooden floors and white-washed walls. Dresses were laid down on randomly scattered tables, carefully pressed down so nothing would be damaged. There was one mirror on the walls, and looking at the mirror, you could tell if a shop was successful, for mirrors can be quite expensive. Cain studied the mirror quickly, it had a frame of ivory making it very expensive. Thus, Cain concluded this was a very successful shop.
Meanwhile, Angela, Becky and Beth were getting on very well, going through all the top-named products. They compared style to colour to quality to price.
"As I was saying!" Beth continued with an air of knowledge. "This red velvet party gown is much better than this pink silk coat because… ah! Cain!" she smiled and gestured for the count to come over. "We've found some very nice dresses! You must come and look!!"
"Umm… I don't think Mister Cain will understand dresses…" Becky muttered sensibly, but Beth cut her off.
"Well, it would be punishment for forgetting Merry's dress, wouldn't it?" she said quickly, her voice a little annoyed.
Cain strode over, holding Merry's hand. Merryweather seemed very happy, and when asked why she was so happy, she piped up: "Big brother has promised to buy dresses for all of us to make up for my present!"
Beth and Angela squealed in happiness and excitement in the pitch of a pair of harpies (everyone had to shield their ears). Becky smiled a little in gratitude. Cain stared at Merry.
"When did I promise that?" Cain asked his little sister, frowning.
"Don't you remember, brother?" Merry declared loudly, getting the attention of all in the shop. "You cannot go back on your promise now, after you have made it!"
"No, you cannot!" Angela joined in, wagging a finger at the count, the way an auntie does to a little nephew. "A promise must be kept!"
"Mister Cain!" Beth beamed, pulling out a powder blue dress with fitted petticoat. "I would like this one, please!"
Becky walked over nervously with a pretty lilac dress with plum satin sashes. She bit her lip and gave a scared smiled. "Can I please have this dress, Mister Cain," she asked. "If that's alright with you," she added quickly.
"Of course it would be!" Merry shot in.
Cain glared at his bratty little sister. But he turned to Becky and gave her a warm smiled. "It's quite alright with me, Rebecca." He told her.
Suddenly, Angela gave a loud shriek. "MERRY!!" she cried, pointing. All heads, even the shopkeeper's, turned in direction of that rather bony finger.
"My dress!!" Merryweather ran up and held up the exotic costume. "Brother! I've found it!"
Cain nodded, exhaling. He squeezed his wallet in his pocket, and thought depressingly how empty it would be by the end of this shopping trip. All these dresses look very expensive……
"Angela, where is your dress?" Merry asked, stroking the ribbons on her dress.
The brown-haired girl let out a shrilly laugh. "Ah Merry, I'm not buying a dress!" she said, her blue eyes twinkling. "My mother will make it the end of me if I come home with a new dress!" she pulled out something behind her. "I'm going to get this bonnet!"
It was a very delicate bonnet, made of fine straw and many different fresh flowers. Angela looked proudly at the shiny surface and ran her fingernails along the entwined edge.
"Well, we all have our dresses," Becky said, looking at her present. "Let's pay and go."
"No." said Beth, holding a hand up to stop the redhead. "There is another dress to buy!"
"Who is it?" Angela asked, looking around. She could not see another girl.
"Mister Cain does not have another dress." Beth declared, grinning at the dark-haired young man.
Cain paled. "M-miss Elizabeth! I do not need a dress!" he tried to explained.
"Oh, of course you do!" Beth said, waving the statement off with her hand. She walked to the other side of the room and pulled out a dark, earthy-coloured gown. It was quite mature, with a look more suited for older, widowed women, but seemed very fitting for Cain. There was a free hat that came with it too.
"Yes!" Angela cried, running over. "This dress is just perfect for Mister Cain!"
"You might as well buy it sir…" Becky muttered in Cain's ear. "Miss Angela and Miss Elizabeth won't take no for an answer!"
Cain sighed, pulling out his wallet. "Alright, I will buy it…" he muttered.
Merryweather, Angela and Beth cheered. They put all their dresses on the counter and waited for the shop keeper to find the price.
After all the wonderful-looking outfits were put into boxes, and Becky had them in her arms (she offered to carry them, no one really rejected that idea), Cain looked at Beth and said:
"I'm not going to wear that dress, you do realised that, don't you?"
Beth and her cousin gave the count a smug and knowing smiled. "Oh sir, we're not expecting you to!" they turned to each other and dropped their voices. "Yet!!" and giggled.
~*~
After a while, the five companions decided to go to the zoo, which was not far from the shop. Lately, the zoo had been very popular, due to two main attractions. One was a anaconda that could swallow anything you throw at it, and the other one was a parrot who could say whole sentences at a time, and it learnt new words ever so quickly. People would crowd around them for hours at a time, mesmerised by their particular strengths.
But unfortunately, the anaconda had recently died from swallowing one too many stones thrown at it by a group of young men. Untimely was the death of the parrot too, who was put down after shouting very loudly a number of swear words at a baby. Fear of traumatising the poor child, the zoo keepers shot the bird, only to find out that doing so would scar the baby for life.
With the top attractions gone, the five young people had to find other means of entertainment in the zoo.
"I know!" said Becky, her eyes lighting up with an idea. "My fiancé Chester took me to the pond and we fed the fishes! It was tremendous fun!"
Though her companions did not think that feeding fish was all that much fun, they shrugged and made their way to the pond anyway. It wasn't as if they had anything better to do.
The pond turned out to be another big flop.
People there sold fish food, a penny for a small bag and three pennies for a big bag. Cain brought one big bag to share between them, but as they walked over to their destination, a great stink rose up to the sky and into their noses.
Becky, Cain and Merry made a face whilst Angela and Beth were a lot more… audible.
"Ack! What's that smell?!" they spluttered, pinching their noses tightly.
"Ah, 'tis the corpses of many a fish," replied an old man, staring into the pond. He didn't seem to mind the smell at all. "Them got poisoned on rotten bread. No one wanted to clean them, so there they are, floatin' away."
Cain dared himself and leaned over the edge. The water was dark brown and murky, with the bodies of a few fish on the surface, covered with moss and duckweed.
"Why is there DUCKWEED in a FISH POND?!"
Suddenly, as Beth and Angela leaned forwards to look at the duckweed, they gestured their arms and sent Cain flying into the pond headfirst. Cain gave a cry of shock, before rising the surface quickly, covered in mud, moss, fish excrement and duckweed. All the girls screamed and covered their noses. The old man was faster reacting than them, and pulled Cain out quickly before he was any wetter.
"My oh my," the old man tutted, shaking his head and stroking his white goatee. "How wet you are! You need a change of clothes, lad. You can't walk around the streets like that, you'll stink the place out."
Cain looked a little lost. "But I don't have another change of clothes…" he muttered.
"Oh yes you do!" Beth piped up. She took out a box and shook out the dark dress. Cain paled and quickly stuffed it back.
"Miss Elizabeth!" he hissed in a low voice. "I'm not walking the streets of London wearing a dress!!"
"Don't worry, we won't tell!" said the old man, who had a big grin on his face with a look that could indicate he had one too many glasses of beer.
Cain sighed. He didn't like being wet, so he might as well wear the darn dress. It wasn't like he never dressed as a girl before. And no one noticed him then, so maybe with luck, the same will happen this time. One could only hope…
~*~
"Ah! I'm rather hungry!" Angela declared loudly. "Let's go have tea!"
It was around 4 o'clock in the afternoon, and they had just left the zoo in a haste. It took at least an hour trying to get Cain into that dress, and whilst doing so, attracted a lot of people with their loud yells and excited squeals. After a few curious faces started to crowd around the women's lavatories, the fat, bushy-bearded manager walked over to see the trouble.
The five err… "ladies" were quickly throw out of the bathrooms, and then later, the zoo itself.
"Where can I put my clothes?" Cain asked some time ago.
The old man stepped forwards. "I am the keeper of the fish pond," he told them. "I have a shed, where I will store your clothes, and if there is time, I will wash it for you too."
"Don't forget your walking stick!" Beth piped up, grabbing Cain's stick and giving it to the old man.
Before Cain could protest to such an action, Becky told Cain: "It is not very ladylike to walk around with a cane, sir."
"Ah, no, we cannot call him 'sir', anymore," said Merryweather, shaking her head. She turned to her brother and said: "You shall be known as Miss Catherine, if anyone asks. You are my friend and come from India."
"Why is that?" Cain asked, frowning.
"Because if you do something unladylike, we can say it is from your upbringing in a different country with different customs." Merry explained, rather scientifically. Cain didn't even know she knew what "customs" or "upbringing" meant.
Well, that was some time ago. Around half an hour after 4 o'clock, the five companions found themselves sitting in a pretty little café surrounded by roses. They ordered some cakes and some tea. Well, the other girls ordered everything. Cain just sat there, red in the face.
"Would Madame want anything?" the waiter asked, leaning towards Cain.
Cain shook his head quickly, going even redder. He did not dare to speak, in case the man was suspicious of something.
The waiter smiled, showing pearly white teeth. He turned to the girls. "Ah, girls, you seem to be a lot more decisive than your mother over there." He muttered, gesturing in Cain's direction.
"YOUR MOTHER"????
Everyone stared at the waiter. "Sir, Miss Catherine is not our mother," Becky told him politely. "She is our dear friend... from India."
The man blinked his dark brown eyes. "Ah, really?" he said, amused. "Well, she certainly has the mature looks of a wise, old woman," he said, laughing gaily. He stopped and added to Cain. "No offence, miss."
"None taken," Cain said through gritted teeth, making his voice go higher.
The waiter walked off and then came back with the cakes and tea. Seeing the food, the girls grabbed it, put it on their plates and poured tea for each other. They then jabbered on like parrots and didn't pay any mind to anyone else in the café. Cain thought they were the ones who were acting unladylike.
"Never thought I'd see you in a dress, Cain." came voice behind him.
Cain spun around to find himself facing a large newspaper. He slowly reached out and pulled the paper down, revealing the face of the one and only…
"Doctor!" he cried, jumping out of his seat. No one seemed to pay any attention to him.
"Calm down Cain," Jezebel said calmly, folding the paper up and drinking some one his own tea. "I'm not here to torture you or steal away your sister. I'm here on DELILAH business."
"Like what?" Cain asked, suspicious. For better conversation, he shifted his chair and sat down next to Jezebel. The blonde man seemed to be safe for now.
Jezebel looked around himself, and pointed to the waiter. "You see that man?" he asked Cain in a low voice.
Cain, who obviously knew that certain waiter, nodded silently.
Jezebel did not say anything for a long time. He sat there, drinking his tea with some enjoyment. "He is very anxious to have a wild and exciting life," the doctor explained at last. "So I am here to give him a certain pill, that will make his life very exciting indeed."
"What pill is that?" the dark-haired count asked, his voice low too. In his mind, there was a whole network of possibilities. This was Jezebel and DELILAH after all.
Jezebel shrugged. "He thinks it'll turn him into a werewolf. It's actually a drug that will just turn him hairy and disgusting and then kill him," suddenly, Jezebel stopped. "ARGH! Why did I just tell you all that?! I have broken sacred DELILAH rules!!" He grabbed his coat and ran off down the street.
"Doctor! Stop!" Cain yelled straight afterwards. He also got off his seat and ran after Jezebel, in hopes of catching the doctor. He didn't know why he was going to catch the man, he'd probably let him go afterwards, but it's become a tradition those two have, this cat-and-mouse game.
Jezebel ran into an alleyway, jumped over a fence and turned a corner so he would not be seen. Cain was hot on his tracks, but he did not see Jezebel turn the corner, thus not knowing where the doctor was. He sighed, and hit the wall in anger. That was another time Jezebel ran away. The dark-haired count cursed his dress, blaming it for his failure.
Suddenly, he felt someone slam him against the wall. Cain felt a hand close around his mouth and he did not dare to breath. Standing over him was a very tall man, with muscles like rocks and a knife in his hand. He looked down at Cain with icy blue eyes and licked his lips.
"Hello miss," he said, grinning and baring yellow teeth. He breathed onto Cain's face and the young count cringed. "Fancy seeing someone like you here."
"Umm… let me go please," Cain muttered, his eyes wide with shock. Who was this guy anyway? What did he want with Cain?
"Give me all your money." The attacker said quickly, seriously. He held a knife to Cain's throat and held out an open hand.
Cain suddenly realised he left his wallet with Becky (not a very wise thing to do, but it was better than giving it to Angela, Beth or Merryweather). He gulped and said: "Sir, I do not have any money with me. I left my wall…no, purse with my friends."
The man shrugged. "Never mind," he said simply. "I'll put you to good use anyway." And shoved his hand up Cain's skirt.
Cain screamed and whacked the man over the head. He couldn't believe he just ran into a rapist. He reached out his hand for his cane, but then he realised he let Beth give it to the old man. Oh, that girl will pay dearly for that…
The attacker grabbed the count's hand so he couldn't run away and threw him against the fence. Cain tried to run off again, but the damn shoes threw him off balance and he collapsed on the ground. Stupid dress too, it was hell moving in it. The man got down on his knees and was so close to Cain, you could harder fit a mouse in between them.
"I'm a man." Cain suddenly told his attacker, hoping it would make him lose interest.
The attacker stared. "No you're not." He said, shaking his head.
"Yes I am!" Cain was furious that the other person did not believe him. Did he look like a girl?! Well, actually, he did. But that was besides the point!!
"Show me." The other man said.
"NO!!" the dark-haired count cried, going very red in the face.
The attacker shrugged again, his hands grabbing Cain's dress and tearing it apart. Cain screamed and without realising, cried out someone's name:
"RIFF!! SAVE ME!!!!"
Suddenly, there was a click of a gun. Cain opened his eyes and saw that his attacker had frozen to the spot, with a pistol to the back of his head. Cain saw past the gun and smiled in relief at the man who held the weapon.
"Hello, Riff!"
"Hello master Cain." Riff told the attacker to get lost, which the man did with haste. Riff took off his outer coat and wrapped it around his master.
"Riff, what are you doing here, and why do you have my gun?" Cain asked. He felt like crying from the fright the rapist almost gave him.
"When you left the house, you took my coat with you," Riff explained, hugging Cain gently. "And when I left the house to buy some flour for miss Merryweather's cake, I accidentally took your coat. I chose a shorter route to the baker's shop and just then, I heard you scream my name."
"I wasn't screaming, I was calling," Cain said sulkily.
Riff smiled and kissed Cain softly on the cheek. "Of course, sir."
Cain smiled back as he felt the warm lips touch him, and he grabbed Riff's collar and slammed his mouth against his butler's. The blonde man was shocked at such an act but he kissed back, and the two remained kissing for some time.
They broke and Cain laughed as he stared into the blonde's eyes. "Sir, you're my knight in shining armour!" he whispered.
Riff leaned in again for another kiss. "Thank you, milady..." he murmured, pressing his lips against his master's. Cain closed his eyes and moaned quietly. All of a suddenly, he didn't seem mind another man's hands sliding up his dress, not when it was Riff's...........
~*~
The two men walked back quickly to the café, where the four girls looked very delighted to see Cain back safe. Cain had a big grin on his face and Riff looked rather flushed, with his jacket and shirt a little dishevelled. When asked where they had been, the two looked at each other and said "it's a long story, we'll tell you later."
The six of them sat down by the table and wished Merryweather a happy birthday with all the usual things. Riff, in the end, decided that it would be too late to make the birthday cake, so they had one especially made at the café. It was very pretty, with "Happy Birthday Merry" written in iced flowers. Everyone agreed it was the best cake they've ever seen. The sun slowly set beneath the houses of London and everyone was going home. Soon, the six companions decided to get Cain's clothes back and set off home too.
They passed a bridge with two people standing on it. A tall blonde and a short brunette. They were walking over to the shops, mingling with the crowd.
Jezebel took Cassian's hand. "Stay close to me, Cassi. Don't get lost."
Cassian growled angrily at the man. "Stop treating me like a child, doctor!" he said glaring. "And don't call me Cassi in public!!"
Jezebel smiled at his minion. Suddenly, he stopped, hearing a snippet of a conversation, which went along the lines of this:
"Ah Mary! I was walking past an alleyway when I heard some very strange noises!"
"Oh really Jo? What sort of noises?"
"I saw a man and a woman against the wall, kissing like there was no tomorrow! The man was very good-looking, with blonde hair. And the lady was a brunette, but her hair was short which was very peculiar! She had the man's coat on, but you could tell her dress was ripped underneath. She had her legs around the man's waist and you could just tell they were going to…"
"Shh! Not so loud Jo! People will hear!!"
"Oh it doesn't matter, Mary! The strangest thing was that the lady had a almost man's voice, it was quite deep for someone so ladylike! How strange!"
Jezebel's eyes lit up and he felt his lips curl into a smile. Cassian frowned beside him.
"Doctor, what is it?" the cute little lackee asked. "Why have you stopped?"
Jezebel shook his head, smiling a little more.
"Doctor!! Tell me!!"
But still, the blonde did not reply.
"DOCTOR!!!"
Suddenly, Jezebel grabbed Cassian, pulled him up and kissed him full on the lips. Cassian closed his eyes and opened his mouth, inviting blonde man's tongue into him. He moaned a little, before pulling away and being set down again.
Jezebel looked at Cassian with a raised eyebrow. "Must you know everything right now, Cassi? Be patient and I'll tell you later tonight, alright?"
Cassian grumbled under his breath, but he slid his hand into Jezebel's and they walked off into the crowd, disappearing behind many people. What they did later that night is up to your imagination……
The End
Reviews to:
--Morien Alexander: thank you for reviewing, and yay! for "happy yaoi goodness and silly capering cross-dressing" too! ^_^
--cutekid: yes, this is a fanfic and yes, it has lots of mistakes. Sorry about that. I personally dislike pigeons (filthy things, spread disease and is a public nuisence to transport……) so I guess I added that in (fits with the song though! ^_^)
--Demon-master: Oscar is 20? Oops…… never mind. Here's the next chapter! It still has cross-dressing and C/R, so hope you like it! ^_^
For my next fic (as I'm feeling rather chaptery, so I'm going to a loooong chapter fic), would you like:
A humour romance, with everyone from the God Child Arc. Basically, Alexis plans to form a Freak Circus with his "friends" (there will be yaoi and dressing up and maybe a lime or two)OR WOULD YOU WANT
A serious mystery story with just Cain solving a dodgy, screwed-up murder case in a bar/brothel (no romance unless asked for)VOTE! VOTE! VOTE! (why do I feel everyone's going to say A?)