A/N: Thanks Lucky and Saskia and iris for your reviews and thanks randi for your advice. You have no idea how much you helped me. And thank you Kalen and Tatiana and chiang for the support. Come on people, FOUR more reviews! Stop teasing me! Please! PLEASE! ::cries:: Please with applesauce and sprite on top? This chapter is pretty short I should have posted it a while ago, but I thought I would add sooner or later. Next chapter won't be up probably for another two-three weeks with finals coming up and all. So thanks for the reviews and keep reviewing please.
(Sunday, 24 November 2002 – Saturday, 27 November 2002)
XIII. Addiction
"What's this?" Ben asked, opening and looking into the bag. He reached in and pulled out the clothes and let the bag drop to the floor. I turned, curious also to see what kind of outfit Tess had gotten me. He shook the clothes out, raising his eyebrows in incredulity and amusement.
"Sic," I whispered to myself. The outfit was not that bad. Not inappropriate, even. Just something I would never wear. I could tell the shirt would expose my mid-drift, stopping well above my bellybutton, and the pants- they would be tight, practically painted on. If I did not know better, I would think Tess did not know my clothes size.
"You gonna put this on?" Ben asked, smiling. He would enjoy the sight no doubt, but it was not going to happen. Why was Tess going out of her way to change me anyway? I personally was starting to find it insulting. I shook my head.
"Why not? That's what you bought it for," he responded. "I personally wanna see you in this."
"I don't care," I answered. I really did not give a fuck what he wanted. He could want all he wanted, but that did not mean he would get it. I could feel myself getting angry at I do not know what. I started thinking about how I would tell Tess I did not want the outfit. I did not think I could give it away to someone. She might recognize it. Maybe I could burn it, and say I had lost it. Or I could just tell her I did not want the shit. I rubbed my eyes tiredly, and stretched out my arms above my head, turning to face my bed. I could now tell that the source of my aggravation was from sleep deprivation. I thought about saying sorry to Ben, but decided against it.
"Tired?" he asked. I could not tell if that was concern I had heard in his voice. Maybe he was worried that he would have no one to hang around. That was more the reason to go to sleep. It would be a push; a good push in the right direction towards the door. He needed to make some friends.
"Did you want something?" I asked, turning around to look at him. He had been waiting outside my door; maybe he had something to share. He tossed the outfit towards me, and I stepped aside, dodging it. He looked at it on the floor.
"You're supposed to catch it," I shrugged. "I wanted to know where you were 'cause as you know, I couldn't find you. So you go to the mall or something? Why didn't you tell me? I would have gone."
There were so many ways I could tell him why Tess had dragged me along to the mall, "You weren't wanted."
He stared mutely at me, and I turned away again. I do not where my surge of wanting to hurt came from. Maybe it was left over from Bobby. I had not really gotten to do much on him. I think maybe I was irritated with Ben for even starting with Bobby. None of the earlier events with Bobby would have happened if he had not fought Ben. He might have glared and kept walking giving me no bruises. No kiss. I could only guess what kind of new mixed signals I would be getting from Bobby later. I sighed frustrated, reminding myself of how much I did not like him. I could not blame Ben for any of the shit that had happened no matter how much I tried. It was not his fault Bobby was an ignorant asshole.
"Tess has forbidden me from hanging out with you," I explained. It was the best thing I could choke out. I did not think he needed an apology, and I could not give him one on account of my pride.
I knew I would have to start watching what I said. Not just around him, but Tess, Logan everyone. I could not let my anger start talking for me, not if I wanted there to be a chance for everything to be normal again. I gritted my teeth. Everything to be normal? Who the fuck was I trying to fool? I knew the chances of that happening here had the same chances of Tess going Goth.
"Forbidden?" I shrugged. "You're seeing me now." I shrugged again. I had never said I would comply. She was not my goddamn mother. I would have to put more thought into what I would say to Tess later. Maybe it would turn out better if I went impromptu. I could figure she would be mad, but could not predict her full out reaction. I finally turned back to him.
"I forgot what you wanted," I said. I was tired, not wanting to pay much attention to this conversation. He looked sort of confused, nervous, intimidated for a change as he stared at me. I stared back impassively.
"I could come back later," he suggested. I could feel the corners of my mouth raising as I turned towards my bed. That was a good idea. Give me some time to sleep, and hopefully give him some time to make some friends. I kicked off my shoes and pulled back the comforter only. "If you want to."
"Damn, you're so confusing. You keep giving away all these mixed signals." Had I been? I could not help it that I was confused. Mixed signals. Damn, I hoped I was not acting like Bobby. He stepped closer to me. "You keep looking at the bed and then at me, but yesterday after I… you left. And you seemed angry just a minute ago. And now you're gonna get in your bed, and you're telling me I can leave if I want."
I had meant he could come back if he wanted. I thought about it and he was right, maybe I was sending off mixed signals like a screwed-up radio-- including the entire time I had been asking myself if I wanted anything to do with him--, but he had always seemed to want to move too fast when I showed him I had any interest in him. So how was I to get want I wanted to say across to him without him misinterpreting anything? Without sending any mixed signals?
I dropped my gaze from his. Why was I even stressing myself out over this? Over him? I did not have the energy to 'unmix' any of the signals I had sent him right now, and I could be doing better things. Maybe not what others would call better but at least less stressful things. No, I remembered, I could not. Not any time soon anyways, unless I got lucky, and the Professor found another lead for Logan to follow. Then, he would be gone, and I could stop worrying about smelling like blood. But I was not sure I wanted that. For Logan to leave again. Even though we did not talk that much, I did not think I wanted that. This distressful thinking was bringing back my fatigue. I could be sleeping, and sleeping was always good, but damn, I wanted to extinguish all this anxiousness with my razor. Use the metal to release these feelings I dreaded having. My memories-- the old memories I had of how good it felt to be touch willing-- were fading ,and I did know how much longer I could-. My thoughts stopped abruptly as I noticed a hand sweeping a strand of hair from my face and stopping on my check. I thought maybe it was John returning an old gesture and turned my head, leaning into the palm. I had almost turned to press my lips into the hand when I remembered where I was and whom I was with.
I looked up and suddenly became aware of how close his face was to mine. I scanned his face quickly, and my eyes shifted involuntarily to his lips for a moment. As I opened my mouth to say something- I do not remember what-, I was stopped by his lips on mine.
My mouth opened in a small gasp, but I did not try to stop him. I did not want to stop him, and I could not. Not now, not when the sensations were just starting. Not when there was electricity running through every nerve in my body. He started varying the pressure of the kiss before he slipped me the tongue. Not when his skin- his lips felt so good. I closed my eyes for the first time in a kiss since Cody's. And, damn, did it feel good. He placed his hand on my waist and tugged me closer towards him, removing the gap that lay between us, and started nibbling on my lower lip a little, and it was nice. It was more than nice. Even though he had kissed me twice and Bobby had kissed me, too, it felt like the first time in years. The smile came involuntarily. I could not stop it. All these feelings had started surfacing, and I was guiltlessly enjoying them.
I moaned into his mouth, and he took it as encouragement, pulling me tighter to him and kissing me harder, not nearly as tender as he had started. I did not care at the moment that this was Ben and not John, or that this seemed remotely wrong. I caught myself thinking that this felt too good to be wrong and started laughing. He started to pull away, but I did not let him. Not now, I thought. Please, not now. This felt almost as good as cutting. He ran his hand up my back and then down, and it seemed his hand paused near my side, but he seemed to forget that when I brought my arms up and wrapped them around his neck, but a second later he started talking into the kiss. I ignored him-- I did not want to talk, I did not want to listen--, and he did not say anything again until he ran his hand up my back again.
"Rogue, what's-?" he spun me swiftly to the side, not bothering to finish his sentence. Raising my shirt up, he ran his hand over the bandage that I had placed over one of the larger cuts on my side. I pulled away hastily and pulled my shirt down before he got a better look at what he did not need to see. I had not covered every single cut. I stepped back placing that space back in between us again.
"What was that?" he asked. I stared at him mutely, but inside my mind I was panicking and cursing myself vociferously. This would not have happened if I had not kissed him back. I had done more than kiss him back- I tempted him, I encouraged him, I forced him. I had allowed him to kiss and touch me, and now. Now he still did not know, but almost did!
"Hello?" he waved his hands in front of me. His eyebrows were raised questioningly as he continued waiting for my answer. I waited a moment until I was sure I would not stutter and stumble over my words.
"I, uh, cut myself on… something and went to Jean and she patched it up," I lied. 'I cut myself on something'? Where had that come from? I mentally shook my head in shame. I seriously had anticipated for something more gullible to come out of my mouth. I looked up, awaiting his response- hopefully an acceptance of the alibi.
"Really? Let me see," he asked a little too eagerly, stepping closer and reaching out for the bandage. I pulled back hurriedly, not willing to let him see anything. I had not expected such an excited response, but then again was it really all that surprising? Bad boy. I shook my head and told him no and received a disappointed expression, almost a pout on the sorts. It seemed he had let it go though when stepped closer to me, and wrapped an arm around my back again. I caught his other hand as he brought it towards my waist.
"Um... you said you could come back later?" I stated more than questioned as he leaned forward for a kiss. He stopped, taking in what I had just suggested, and then nodded. I could see some of his disappointment, and felt guilty for a second. But he would get over. After all, I had asked him to come back.
"… Sure," he answered. He leaned forward and kissed me anyway. A goodbye kiss that left me thinking about our first… the memorable aggressiveness and the familiarity that had been tacit, at the time forced. But it had been presently nonetheless satisfying. No doubt for him, also, the kiss and the acceptance. I ran my thumb over my lips as he closed the door behind him. He was now gone, and yet he was the only thing on my mind. I tried willing myself to think of other things, such as John, my razor, Logan, in a desperate attempt- Duck Tales, but they were only fleeting thoughts. I was thinking I had found one more addiction.
XIII. Addiction