Chapter 2

"Damn Milk"

            I showered just before I settled into my bed. Just like every night. Shower right before bed. I had to stay on routine or my little world would be knocked off its orbit, and I'd smash into the sun and die.

            Hamlet now lay on my nightstand. I was almost done. I've read it about three times now though. But what is there not to love about Shakespeare? I could reread his works a multitude of times and not get bored.

            Reading kept the darkness away for a while. Just like the little 40 watt lamp on my nightstand did, for a while.

            Sighing, I pulled the covers all the way up and looked at my ceiling. As much as I needed, wanted, to sleep… I couldn't. Routine night. I'll fight off sleep until I can't take it anymore, and eventually drift off into a peaceful sleep. I wonder, do I have morning or afternoon shift at work tomorrow?

            Morning. Again. I remember Omi talking about our shifts at dinner. I wasn't really paying too much attention to him. They all find it fascinating to talk at once. How can you keep a conversation like that? If I want to talk to someone, I'd much rather prefer it to be one on one. I just couldn't keep up with what three other people are saying at once.

            The darkness finally claimed me and I didn't escape until the beeping of my alarm at 6:30 a.m. brought me back to reality.

            "Damn. I hate morning shifts." Talking to myself. Wonderful habit, I believe we've already discussed this though.

            I turned over and curled up on my side. I didn't want to be awake. I just wanted to sleep some more. I'm exhausted. My muscles ache, but I have to get up. The show must go on.

            I'm working with Ken this morning. At least I'll have help cleaning up and opening. Ah, but I already predict the disasters that our neighborhood soccer player brunette will have this morning. Well, it's better then nothing.

            I dragged myself out of bed and went over to my closet. Black jeans and shirt. I put them both on and went to the bathroom. Teeth first, face second. Comb my hair some. Take a glance in the mirror to approve myself for the day, and then downstairs for some breakfast.

            Ken came shuffling down the stairs and soon as I opened the refrigerator.

            "I went shopping with Yohji yesterday, so there should be more food," Ken yawned as he came and stood beside me to look in. I just nodded in acknowledgement and already knew the next thing about to come out of his mouth. 'Would you cook breakfast?'

            "Would you cook breakfast, please? I'm a horrible cook, I'm sure you know that. I always end up burning things." He smiled sheepishly and there was nothing I could do but oblige.  I pulled out the eggs, bacon, and the things to make pancakes with. Hopefully the smell of breakfast would drag the others out of bed.

            Hopefully.

            I pulled out a pan from inside the stove and set it on the biggest burner. Pancakes first. I followed the directions on the back of the box of the pancake mix.

            Ken watched me, I could feel it. There's absolutely nothing interesting about me, why does he do that?

            Four pancakes, four eggs, and eight pieces of bacon later, I'm completely unnerved by the eyes on me. I should snap at him, but he's trying to hide it and I don't want to ruin his little game. He's not as sneaky as he thinks he is obviously. I handed him a plate and set my plate at my place across from him.

            I stuck four pieces of toast in our 4-piece-holder-toaster. I turned to the cabinet beside the fridge and pulled out a tall clear glass and filled it with milk. Ah, the love of milk. I was, besides Ken, the only other one that liked milk. Omi and Yohji had a great dislike of it. I don't know how, but they do.

            I set the glass down by my plate and then got two forks and handed one to Ken who graciously accepted it. Then he too got up and poured himself a glass of milk.

            I sat down at my place and the whiteness of the milk caught my attention. Maybe that's why I like it so much. It gives me a feeling that overcomes the darkness. White is the opposite of dark. Milk is white. Milk is the opposite of darkness.

            See how messed up this darkness thing is making me? Things as simple as milk are catching my attention.

            Milk would stand out in the darkness. It would be a light to follow.

            I'm going insane. 'It's just milk, Ran! Just damn milk.'  I picked my fork up and started eating my eggs when the toast popped up. I started to get up, when Ken beat me to it. He brought over the four pieces of toast and the butter. He handed two pieces to me and took the other two for himself. Odd… Normally it's me that goes and gets the toast. Things can't go out of routine. Everything is supposed to be like clockwork. Please, oh please, don't let this make my planet go off its fragile orbit.

            It sounds silly that Ken going and getting the toast could do something like this. It's an act of kindness, something that doesn't often happen to me. It's Ken doing it. It's also been Ken who has stared at me for the past half an hour while I've cooked…  Something's wrong here…

            When we finally finished breakfast, we got to opening up the store. Everything went routine from there. Hallelujah. No surprises for me; there's not supposed to be surprises in a routine.

            At noon, I went and grabbed my jacket and walked to the hospital, like always.

            I entered the room quietly, knowing full well that it wouldn't matter if I came in with a marching band. She would still sleep. I was beginning to think that she would sleep for eternity.

            I took a seat beside her and told her about my morning. With nothing else to really say, I just let my eyes wander about the white room. White. The room was white, opposite of the darkness that lived in me. Just like that damn milk.

            Does Aya live in the same darkness that plagues me? She doesn't get to wake up and see the white washed sheets and walls of this room. What does she see? I hope it's not darkness. I would never wish a horrible thing like that on anyone.

            It's never ending. You just fall and fall, and never, ever, hit bottom. I'm falling still. I'm falling away from this world. I want to grab on to… something. I can't let anyone close enough so that I could grab on. They would end up falling with me. Forever. I can't let someone else suffer through something. If it's just me, its better than someone else. I can live through it. I have for years now.

            'I will not break. I can't break. I've got to keep things in order.' Breaking isn't an option. I'm a cold, stoic person. My mask is unbreakable. The ice that surrounds me will not melt. The darkness can claim me forever, as long as no one else has to suffer through it because of me.

            "Aye, imouto. I wish you could wake up. I wish things could go back to the way they were before. Before the darkness…"

            Tears formed in my eyes. I rubbed at them until they were gone. I will not let myself cry. I'll break then. I can't break. I must deal with the darkness.

            I bid her my farewells, and forever silent she accepted them, I hope.

            The walk home was as normal as you can get. I went upstairs and laid on my bed and read. I was determined to finish Hamlet before dinner.

            To be or not to be, that is the--- A knock interrupted my reading. I glanced at the clock. It was still an hour until dinner. Why, why, was there a knock at my door?

            I didn't say anything. Maybe they would go away, realizing they knocked on the wrong door. I went back to my reading.

            To be or not--- A knock again. Well, maybe they won't go away. I didn't say anything again, hoping the third time would be a charm.

            To be or not to be, that--- Another knock.

            "Hn," was all that I said. Hoping the person on the other side would get the hint.

            "I knew you were in there Aya! Manx is here with a mission." It was Ken.

            "I'll be down in a second." Another mission? This lady must be insane. We had one just the other night. I'm exhausted. Does she have any clue what it's like to get little to no sleep, work morning shift for two straight days, stand on your feet all day, and repeat it the next day. Plus being more exhausted after a mission. No consideration.

            I closed Hamlet and set it on my nightstand. I'd finish it after dinner I guess.

            I got up and walked downstairs, Ken had already left as soon as I told him I'd be down. I walked down another flight of the stairs into the room we have dubbed "The Mission Room."

            Manx was waiting there with the others. I sat in my chair; my routine chair, mind you. Manx popped the tape in, and we listened, and watched Persia go to work.

            Another trivial mission. Nothing that has anything to do with something I'm interested in. It's probably just to keep us busy, while we're doing the right thing at the same time. Oh well. It's not tonight anyways. It's tomorrow. That will give me some time to let the wound on my shoulder heal just a little more.

            Manx gave a few more instructions, gave Omi some more information to look up, and left. I exited as well, not wanting to be there. It was bright down here in the mission room. Funny, the place where we are assigned our missions, the place that gives us nightmares in which we wake up screaming in the middle of the night, would be bright. Not dark. It should be dark, it would be more fitting. Not like that damn milk.

            I walked up the stairs, clasping the rail as I went. I didn't want to do another mission. Everything is dark on a mission. While I may take comfort in the darkness keeping me hidden, I don't take comfort of the darkness inside me.

            I opened my bedroom door and padded over to my bed. Now I can escape the horrors of my world while going into the horrors of another man's world. I picked Hamlet back up and lay down on my bed. Just to make sure no one's going to come knocking….

            To be or not to be that is the, I look up at the door then down, question. I finally finished that line. Maybe now I can get some peace and quiet and finish some more before dinner.

            Not but ten minutes later came the well known knock for dinner. Setting Hamlet down once again I got up and went downstairs for dinner.

            I sat down across from Ken and looked at what was being served. Hamburgers and French fries. We've gone American.

            "Ah, good ol' American food," commented the play boy diagonal from me. "It's a wonder they don't all die from heart disease or something. These suckers are greasy."

            A snicker from Ken. "Maybe Omi's trying to kill ya' off so you're not here to smoke in his house."

            "Ken-kun! I'm doing nothing of the sort! We haven't had American food for a week!" Omi replied promptly.

            I let them argue and got up to get myself another glass of milk. Milk was good anytime of the day, and I would need it tonight. Something light to stare at while they conversed about who knows what. It's not like I can keep up for long. I still just don't understand how they understand each other.

            "He's trying to kill you, Yohji. I'm telling you. Why don't you believe meeeee?" Ken again.

            "I am n--,"

            "Are too!"

            "Why should I believe you!"

            "Because I cooked it!"

            "Whatever!"

            "Get the ranch out would you?"

A blur of words. Who was saying what? Too many people. I sat back in my chair with a heavy sigh. I would need the Advil tonight.

            Dinner went on that way until everyone was finished. I put my dishes in the sink and, since I didn't have dish duty tonight, went back to my room. I will finish Hamlet. I feel like I'm about to drop dead though. I'm tired and I still have a shower to take. Why can't I ever just screw routine and be a rebel?

            It would throw me so off balance I wouldn't know what to do. I dragged myself into the bedroom. I got my pajamas, which always stayed under my pillow, and clean underwear, and dragged myself into the shared bathroom.

            Ken and I share a bathroom since our room's are next to each other. Yohji and Omi share one as well. I locked the door and set my stuff on the counter.

            I looked into the mirror and just stared for a minute. "I look like a living vampire," I said to no one in particular. Just talking to myself again.

            Bags were starting to form on my pale face, right under my eyes. Now I've been doing this routine since I got here, but I think I'm lacking more and more on sleep as of late.

            I shook my head and went to the shower and turned the water on. I looked back at the mirror. How could anyone like this pale freak that I see in the mirror? How do those three manage to live with me?           

            I sighed to myself. I push everyone away, and if that doesn't do it, my looks should. Red hair and Amethyst eyes? How odd is that? And paler than pale. I need more self esteem, I really do. I'm liable to screw up on a mission with this low self-esteem.

            I undressed as I watched steam form on the mirror, and then in I went.

            Now fully dressed and scrubbed clean, I lay down on my bed and snuggled into the covers. It's so cold. I've never felt so cold in my life, until I lay down. There's no warmth for me to snuggle to. Not that there ever will be.

            I should do laundry tomorrow. I was going to reach over and get my book but my eyes were so heavy that I didn't really want to. I closed them, telling myself I was just going to rest and I fell asleep with a fleeting thought about that damn milk. That was the only whiteness in my dream though, for I fell quickly into the darkness.