Disclaimer- I do not own Harry Potter or anything associated with it that you recognize.
AN- Written in the spirit of Facts of Life and my writer's block, enjoy! Oh yeah, and if you haven't noticed, this is post-Facts of Life and (way) pre-Time Warp…
Seemingly, it was quite a run-of-the-mill weekend evening in the Potter household. Though, from an insider's point of view, you could tell that something-or rather someone, was missing. Hermione Potter, dedicated wife, mother, hard-faced enforcer and basically the foundation of the family was absent from this cozy little scene and considering the fact that she had foolhardily believed her chief administrator when she owled saying that she only needed her to come into her ministry office for only a "few" hours on a weekend, this wasn't out of the ordinary. And as the saying goes, 'while the cat's away the mice will play…constantly in a rowdy, destructive and unsupervised way,' these 'mice' being children, of course. But you couldn't tell Harry Potter this because as far as he knew, he was in control and doing a damn good job too, considering that only four house lamps and a window had been shattered and only two food fights had occurred in a period of four hours alone with his four kids. And in his book, that was quite an accomplishment seeing as last time he was alone with the little terrors they had set one of the family pets aflame, (unintentionally? He'd never know…) who luckily, was a fish in water.
Dinner, (frostbitten frozen pizza which the children had miraculously found delicious, very odd considering their fickle tongues and tastes) had been served, and bath time (two gallons of Mr. Bubble, six rubber ducks, and three rounds of Tackle The Giant Squid, one of Harry's least favorite games…especially when he was the giant squid) The only roadblock now was getting the little tykes into bed…and actually getting them to stay there.
"Ugh…" Harry groaned under his breath, terrified to inhale the toxic air that surrounded him as he peered down cautiously at the disgusting muck his youngest son at two-years-old, Phoenix, had served up in his soiled diaper, and only just fifteen minutes after his last change. "How in the world did you manage to change mashed peas and pizza crust into that?" questioned Harry to the delighted toddler who only blinked his radiant viridian green eyes innocently and gurgled incoherently in response.
"I think your mother was right with the idea of early toilet training-" He went on, frisking through a drawer in a desperate search for baby wipes as he was interrupted by the shrill cry of the child at the mention of his mother.
"Ma! Where ma?" he cried out desperately as he kicked his chubby legs into the air narrowly escaping contact with Harry's face and as if on cue, a short blur of red hair scampered up to Harry giving him quite a shock, and began tugging at the hem of his shirt, simply wailing.
"Mummy! We want Mummy! Where ma?" Phoenix's female counterpart, Fiona, screeched in a tormented fashion, balling her tiny hands into fists as she began to beat lightly on Harry's leg, all in while whining in unison with Phoenix, as the two twins usually did.
"Well, to be honest," Harry started in a pronounced voice so he could be heard over the commotion, "…I have no idea…consider…consider checking the yellow pages, or something of the sort, I dunno…" Harry replied sounding as weary and helpless as the children as he raked an agitated hand through his shaggy hair and turned to his daughter and realizing something.
"Fiona! How did you get out of your…-" Harry trailed off, glancing over his shoulder to observe the pair of identical cribs in the corner, one pink and one blue. The pink one, however, appeared to be missing three or so of the bars that lined the sides, leaving a space big enough for a small child to squeeze through and on the floor, the missing bars strewn about in a heap and a child screwdriver lay atop of the heap.
"…Alright then…" Harry commented slowly, speculating on how a two-year-old managed to partly dismantle a crib the muggle way that had taken him hours to construct with the power of his wand. "That's it Fi, no more of that wretched muggle cartoon, Bob the Builder, before bed…"
"Hawwy, No! Naughty Hawwy, naughty Hawwy…!" Fiona cried viscously, pounding into Harry's leg with a bit more haste, silently encouraging Phoenix, who had found a way to occupy himself by nibbling on the wrong end of his bottle, to join in.
"No, no, no, no, no, darling," Harry began, scooping the protesting child up into his arms, "I'm Daddy, Daddy, not Harry. That's only what grown-ups call me." He clarified in a slow and patient tone, something he would've never though he would say only a few years ago. Who would've thought he, Harry Potter, the-boy-that-lived, would one day become a father? He sure didn't.
"Hmm…Dada…" Fiona repeated pleasantly, pointing over Harry's shoulder to one of the many pictures hanging on the wall. It was one of the pictures taken his final year at Hogwarts. It was one of the few portraits in the house that featured only-
"Ron?!" Harry yelped in an amusing fashion to Phoenix and Fiona, causing them to release wild peals of laughter sounding much like miniature hyenas. "…Maybe it's the red hair that throws you off…" Harry considered, simply shuddering at the thought as Fiona buried her head into his chest and nuzzled him, in a way which resembled a content kitten.
"…I lub my Hawwy…" Fiona cooed words muffled by Harry's shirt.
"Aw…that's nice sweetie…but…exactly where did you toss your pajamas…?" he inquired in a bemused tone, taking into account that she happened to be completely nude except for a little pink pull-up diaper.
"Daaaaaaaaaaa!" Phoenix squealed into the mix of his laughter, tossing up his bottle in the process of kicking his feet about in the air as an attempt to drag Harry's attention back to him.
"Nix, give me that!" Harry demanded, reaching to grab the bottle with one hand from Phoenix who kept a protectively strong hold on it, cooing in a slightly mocking though sweet way. "If you drink that before I put your diaper on you might have to-"
Before Harry could complete his sentence, Phoenix sent a slight trickle of yellow liquid shooting up in a stream with a snide giggle, aiming straight towards Harry's face, where he unconsciously had left his jaw hanging open in a mild shock…
Meanwhile
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"Aaaaaaaaaccccccckkkkkkkkk!!!" A strangled holler echoed throughout the darkened halls of the entire house, alarming most of the hanging portraits hanging on the wall, the Potter's pet, a chubby charcoal colored puppy deemed Snuffles, along with Alexia, the eldest daughter at five-years-old who happened to be in the bedroom across the way from the nursery.
Alexia's head shot up from her book, dropping her miniature Barbie flashlight in alarm, and struggled to escape from her tangle of bed sheets posing as a tent. Once she emerged from the mass of sheets she peered around to the opposite side of the bedroom near the door in search for-
"Ahoy, matey!" Exclaimed Sebastian Potter, the oldest of the Potter children being one year Alexia's senior, as he popped up from the edge of Alexia's bed grinning madly to sport the empty spot where his front tooth had been earlier that evening. Brandishing a feather duster in one hand, he hopped onto the bed, knocking over a barricade of books. Alexia, taken surprise by the surprise attack, yelped girlishly in a way that made her older brother laugh…that is, until she hurled The Cat in the Hat at his head.
"Ouch!-I mean, Argh! Lexi, it's only me, you scaredy cat…you why did you throw a book?" Sebastian cried out, rubbing a patch of his unruly tan hair where a sore was bound to start forming tentatively.
"Well…if I would'a known it was you, I would'a thrown two, dummy!" Alexia assured him, pulling out Green Eggs and Ham to thumb through since her favorite book had just bounced off Sebastian's hard head and onto the carpet somewhere. "And don't call me scaredy cat!" she added as an afterthought, eyeing her brother warily.
"Right then, scaredy cat, let's play a-"
"No. I'm reading now!" Alexia pointed out, thrusting her book under his nose as to prove a point though only succeeding in making Sebastian groan noisily in an exaggerated fashion. He for one couldn't understand what his sister found so interesting about reading, "The most horriblest, boringest, thing in the entire planet," in his own words. It insulted him that his sister would rather read about some giant furry cats in hats rather than play the greatest game in his world-besides Quidditch, of course.
"Come on, it'll be-fun!" he reassured her, straining to hoist the book out of her tight grip unsuccessfully.
Alexia stopped momentarily and surveyed her brother from head to toe, from his brandy colored bandana that he had strapped onto his head, his false eye-patch (a colored patch of paper strapped on with a ribbon) over his left emerald eye, the feather duster he waved back in front of her face, all the way to the feet of his red and gold feet-pajamas which had snitches whizzing over the rims of his mother's favorite dragon scale boots which he happened to be wearing.
"…Are you playing house?" Alexia questioned hopefully in a meek voice. "You're the mum aren't you? Well I don't wanna be the baby again so you can forget-"
"Wh-What? No! You know how funny Daddy gets when I play house…just like the time Santa got me a Easy-Bake Oven for Christmas…"
"-Good," concluded Alexia sternly, propping her book back up on her knees so that only her bushy mass of ebony hair was visible over the rim, "That's a stupid game anyway-"
"-I wanna play pirates!" Sebastian announced, looking down expectantly at Alexia.
"-Which is a really stupider game-" Alexia grumbled exasperatedly, not bothering to lift her eyes from her book.
"Is not! You take that back…you scaredy-cat brat!" Sebastian screeched, yanking her book from her grasp and tossing it onto his heap of dirty clothes by his closet on the other side of the room.
"Don't call me that, Dummy!" Alexia yelped frantically, pools of tears beginning to form in the creases of her dazzling emerald eyes which mirrored her brother's perfectly, while the twins' and her father's eyes were a slightly darker shade.
Sebastian's mouth twitched momentarily, and then morphed into a wicked toothless grin as he began to bounce around Alexia, humming loudly.
"What'cha gonna do about it, scaredy cat?" Sebastian inquired tauntingly, getting close to Alexia's face so their noses were nearly touching.
"I'm gonna-I'm-I'm gonna-" she stuttered looking quite flustered, allowing a tear to careen down the side of her cheek.
"-Tell Daddy!" they both shouted in unison, Sebastian with a triumphant smirk plastered on his face.
"Jinx!" Sebastian exclaimed joyfully, "Now you can't talk until I say your name!" Sebastian explained haughtily to a pouting Alexia who was well in tears by now. She bit down on her bottom lip and stood up, extending her arms fiercely as they came in contact with Sebastian's chest, nearly knocking him off the bed.
"Alexi-Hey! You tried to trick me! You may be able to make me look dumb at whatever I do at school but I'm not that stupid, ya' know…" he protested, jabbing her in the stomach with the end of his feather-duster. "Now, it's not so bad. If you don't want to play pirates with me, just say something." Sebastian commented, grinning wildly at his little sister who he found so easy to trick.
Alexia began to open her mouth in protest, but thought twice when Sebastian waved a threatening fist under her nose to remind her what would come if she spoke while under his jinx.
"Good, I didn't think so. Now listen up," Sebastian started, dropping a small item into Alexia's outstretched hand. Alexia scrunched up her nose in disgust as she peered down into her hand through one eye to spot her brother's tooth which had fallen out earlier this evening when she had pushed him down the stairs.
"You are Captain Bluebeard, the evil ex-librarian pirate that has stolen my treasure so I can't give it to the tooth fairy, and I am Captain J. Sparrow, the handsomest, most smartest wizard-pirate throughout all the eleven seas!" Alexia sneered bitterly as Sebastian went on, thrusting a thumb towards his chest at his self-promoting description.
"You," Sebastian continued, hopping down from the bed and sprinting over to the other side of the room to his wagon, "Bury the treasure so I can come attack you! You got it? Say something if you think this is a bad idea!" he taunted yet again causing Alexia to ball up her little fist in a silent fury and drop the tooth into the mess of blankets with her other hand.
"Okay? Ready? On your mark…" Sebastian counted down, watching their puppy, Snuffles scuffle frantically out the room and away from the heat of the upcoming battle. Smart dog…
"…Get set…"
Alexia crouched over slightly and prepared to charge with her Barbie doll posing as a sword opposed to Sebastian's feather duster.
"Go! Argh, you swashbuckling scurvy yellow bellied…Er…sweater monkey!" Sebastian howled wildly, brandishing his feather duster threateningly. He began to wheel his wagon in direction of Alexia's bed-ship, but Alexia was too quick for him. She had flew from the bed, quick as a flash, and was now charging full-speed towards Sebastian, her head aiming for his midsection, sizing up for a head-butt…
Meanwhile
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"Ooooooowwwwwwwwww!!!! Daaaaaaaaddddddddddyyyyyyy!!!!" Harry's head collided with the low medicine cabinet shelf as his head shot up in surprise at the wailing of his eldest son Sebastian from the room down the hall. Sighing deeply, he rose from his crouching position over the sink and steeped into the bathroom doorway, toothbrush still dangling out of the side of his mouth, which still reeked of pee in his opinion.
"Oh what is it now?" He muttered, peering down at Snuffles who returned the gaze innocently through his great, brown puppy eyes. The twins had halted their actions of jumping about on the closed toilet seat to stare out the door and try to discover the origin of the noise along with Harry.
"Basty, it Basty!" Phoenix concluded excitedly, hopping down from the toilet and heading for the door, closely tailed by Fiona.
Harry hurriedly scraped the remaining foaming toothpaste from his tongue and reluctantly tailed the twins, following the stream of yelps and cries radiating from behind Sebastian and Alexia's bedroom.
"C'mon Snuffles, I might need you to play referee in case I become injured in the heat of the battle…" Harry muttered to the bewildered puppy who only looked up and continued licking itself in response.
Harry thrust open the door, careful not to muse up their various drawings of mysterious green blobs (one was of Harry himself!) which garnished the Oakwood frame. The scene that caught his sight was quite a classic, if he did say so himself.
Sebastian, his beloved first born, was strewn spread-eagle across the floor; flapping his hands helplessly in lighten the wrath of Alexia, who was propped up upon his chest, pummeling him with such viscosity even Harry was afraid. The twins seemed delighted, and sprinted to join the heap and tangle of fists. Right after Alexia had managed to worm her tiny hands around Sebastian's shoulder and began to twist it back until he squealed like a frightened pig; Harry thought it was best to intervene. He was tempted to leave them that way, as it was refreshing to see them torturing someone besides himself…
"Er…okay kids, break it up-" Harry announced, clapping his hands together in a no nonsense matter as a prime authority figure would.
"-Dad," Sebastian gasped out in a sort of strangled cry, "-She's breaking my arm!"
"-Only cause you won't let me close to your neck!" growled Alexia, sounding much like the predator she had turned out to be.
"At-least-I-got-you-to-talk!" proclaimed Sebastian smugly, temporarily ignoring the fact that Alexia had him pinned by the arms in a very compromising position.
"Kids!" Harry shouted, though it had no avail in the scuffle. "Hmm…how should I…oh yes, ahem…" Harry drew in a deep breath and prepared to go to his last resort, "Alexia," his voice boomed in a menacing way that sounded sickeningly like Snape's in his opinion, "no trying to kill your brother or no more books; Phoenix, no screaming in the house or else I'm gonna-gonna…trade Fiona in for a kneazle-" This was a fat chance, Harry had instantly loathed anything remotely related to a feline ever since Crookshanks, during one of his Call of the Wild moments as Hermione called them, had attacked and devoured half of his birthday cake when he turned seventeen. "-Same goes for Fiona."
"Nah-uh, Hawwy a naughty girl!" Phoenix cried out at Harry, clearly distressed at the threat that Harry had no intentions whatsoever to go through with.
"-Sebastian, if you keep provoking your little sister-not only will you probably end up with a concussion- but there'll be no more pirates, Easy-Bake Ovens, or Quidditch for you-"
"No! Not my-not my piratie goodness!" Sebastian wailed, his words lost in a stream of Alexia's thunderous cries.
"As a wise man once said, 'If it has to be done then…Er…I guess it will be done'" Harry spoke condemningly, attempting to quote one of the muggle sitcoms made in the seventies that he had discovered through summers with Hermione.
"Daddy!" Alexia wailed, clambering towards her father wearily in tears, causing Sebastian to scoff under his breath and roll his swollen eye slightly.
"Puh…typical girl…" he then turned to his youngest sister who was making herself busy gnawing at the ends of her raggedy stuffed fish's, Flappy's, fin, "Fi, in a long, long, long time you're gonna be that big and I'm tellin' ya, if you start getting whiny and girly like that then…Flappy gets it, and believe me, it's not gonna be like The Little Mermaid down a toilet…"
At this comment Fiona looked a bit startled but then regained her composure, smacking Sebastian over the head with Flappy's mangled side.
"Basty a naughty girl…" Phoenix gurgled mischievously, hiding the smirk that was growing on his cherub-like face behind Fiona.
"Daddy…I'm s-s-sorry I hit Seb…and pushed him…a-a-and beat him in the h-head with a book…and-" Alexia wailed, sobbing into Harry's pant leg as he hoisted her up, laying a comforting hand on her back.
"-That's enough. You didn't hurt me that much-Captain Sparrow is never hurt, savvy? I was just…Er…faking…Because I am dum-da-da-dumm…The most handsomest, most smartest pirate in-" Sebastian went on, waving his feather duster about like a loon, despite the fact that no one was listening to him.
"I won't never make Sebastian cry like a girl no more…-" Alexia still trudged on with her apology.
"Excuse me? Pirates-don't-cry!"
"-Daddy, me and Fi and Nix learned our lesson…please don't hate us no more…!" she went on with her dramatic performance, nearly shattering Harry's heart, despite the fact that Sebastian kept interrupting with little comments like "Oh please…" "Spare me…" and the common "Whatabout me?!"
"Lexi Darling," Harry intervened feeling suddenly appalled with himself for being so stern, and he remembered exactly why he left the punishing business to Hermione… He pulled back so her damp, pouting face was eye to eye with his, "Just because I pretend to punish you doesn't mean I hate you-"
"-Pretend to punish?" Sebastian inquired, suddenly interested in the conversation.
"I could never hate you, I love you all…more than…more than…well…a whole lot! And just because I take some of your things away doesn't mean that-well, material possessions don't define love! Here," Harry gently placed Alexia down and motioned for the bed, "Let me tell you all a story-"
"Dad! I thought we'd been punished enough already!" Sebastian protested, following the crowd over to the bed nonetheless.
"Quiet, naughty girl, Hawwy tell story!" Fiona chirped excitedly, rushing to get a knee seat upon Harry's lap alongside Alexia.
"Ahem…Let's see here…oh yes…Once upon a time-"
"-In a galaxy far, far away…" Alexia spouted, getting joy in aiding her Father. Once she started to receive questioning looks from everyone she sheepishly looked up and whispered, "It seems to fit…"
"-Well said then…anyway there was a girl-" Harry continued before being interrupted yet again.
"-Couldn't it be a boy? All this girly business is making me gag, Dad…"
"-Fine, Seb-There was a boy-"
"-Named Jack…and he was a Captain…"
"…Sebastian, what the-" Harry inquired, loosing his train of thought.
"Continue, Daddy!"
"Well this Jack boy-"
"-Captain Jack…"
"-He had everything in the world he could ever want! Clothes, jewelry, gold, you name it!"
"Even an Easy-Bake Oven?" Sebastian speculated, genuinely wondering.
"-No, he went to the cookie store and stole Mrs. Fields' stove…" Alexia informed him, though to her surprise, he actually believed her.
"He could do that, you know…he's a pirate…"
"Anyway, this boy, Jack, was supposedly happy. That is, before he became an old, fat, lazy and prematurely balding man who happened to be developing a back hump…" Harry continued on, silently relishing I the shocked looks on the kids' faces. "So, no longer could he fit his clothes, or sport his jewelry-"
"-Why not?" Alexia questioned, almost afraid to ask in a meek voice, her expression drenched with sympathy over the imaginary pirate.
"Because he was fat and old and…he had great…greasy…spots on his face so no one wanted to look at him anyway-The point is, he had everything but he died alone…and sad…and probably hungry…So the moral is having everything doesn't really mean having everything…its kind of a…Er…lesson in life…one of the facts."
"The end!" Fiona announced, clapping her hands together.
"Yup, all gone…" Phoenix echoed, following the suit.
"…That's not a very nice story, Dad." Alexia pointed out as Harry stroked her soft, bushy hair tentatively.
"How come all your stories end sad like that? Didn't you end Peter Pan that way yesterday?"
"Little cocky brute had what was coming to him…" Harry muttered darkly, not intending for the children to overhear, which they did.
"…I still don't get it…" Sebastian pointed out, sliding off the side of the bed.
"What? It's kind of like that song…you know…" Harry urged, though the only response were blank stares and a loud yawn from Phoenix. "Oh come on, its by those guys…with the hair…The Beatles!" Harry snapped in realization.
"Mmm…Don't like bugs, Daddy…" Alexia muttered, lying Phoenix down on her bed next to Fiona who had already began dozing off.
"Yeah…tell us another one, Daddy…only with pirates and…pickles in it…" Sebastian mumbled out, listening to his own jumbled words with only half an ear as he nuzzled down on the on the side of Phoenix, blinking owlishly.
"No Darling, the Beatles are just a bunch of hippies who formed a band in the 1960's-way before my time-and took the world by storm until some broad-I mean, a nice woman broke up the band and began making total rubbish music sometime during the 70's-accidentally, I'm sure…Anyway they sing this song that really sends out a good message…" Harry went into a hurried explanation seeing as the children were slowly but surely nodding off into slumber land.
"Really Harry? You don't say…" A well welcomed voice in Harry's opinion called from the door as a figure emerged from the shadows, causing both Alexia and Sebastian to rise up sleepily and greet this person.
"Mummy! You're finally home…!" Alexia cheered in a silent whisper, extending her arms outward towards her mother who seemed to be just as weary as everyone else in the room at the late hour.
"Oh, that woke you up…" Harry muttered in a mock dejected tone.
Before Alexia could engulf her mother in a hug she was nudged out of the way by Sebastian who looked as if he would simply burst if he didn't share his news soon.
"Mum, Mum, my tooth…I've got a tooth…!" Sebastian announced proudly, extending his hand which held his tooth just as his eyelids began drooping down over his eyes gradually.
"That's wonderful Darling," Hermione stated lightly, in order not to wake the twins, who, at this point, were snoring slightly. She slowly bent down and wrapped her arms around all four of the children and embraced them adoringly.
"Yes…Captain Jack has all the-" He paused in the middle of his sentence to yawn greatly, "…Beatle pies…" he completed, allowing his eyes to close completely.
"…What?" Hermione inquired blankly, looking over to Harry for an explanation. Sensing her silent question, Harry simply shrugged his shoulders and allowed his trademark lopsided grin overtake his face.
"-Long story, some books and stuffed fish were thrown, and the Beatles came out on top of it all…" Harry waved the matter off, yawning slightly as he guided his wife out of the room and into the hall, in fear that they might wake up again, ready for another round of torture on the senses…
"Well," he started again, steering Hermione towards their bedroom, "I hope you had a good time working until the ungodly hours of the night-" he threw open the door and nearly collapsed onto the bed.
"What are you going on about-it's only thirty after ten!" she pointed out, watching him slump further onto the mattress.
"It seems so much longer than that…" he moaned, pulling his knees up to his chest in a fetal position, rocking back and forth slowly. Sighing sympathetically, Hermione seated herself next to his rocking figure and began to unclasp her robe. "You wouldn't believe what they did to me…" he went on, opening one of his eyes in her direction.
She halted suddenly. "Is Snuffles okay?"
"…Yes…I suppose…"
"Oh," she breathed out, visibly relieved, "Everything went fine then, I suppose…"
"B-b-but, they-then Sebastian-and Alexia-he peed in my mouth, Herm!" Harry sputtered in wretched disbelief at the serene way she was taking this just because the dog was okay.
"…Yeah…kids'll do that…"
"…I need a hug…"
"Oh Honestly Harry, you've always been a bit of a drama queen…" Hermione stated softly, complying with Harry's wishes and engulfing him in a tight hug over his shoulders. Harry had currently been only listening with half of an ear until he heard himself being referred to as a queen, in which his head immediately shot up from the pillow.
"…Did you just call me a quee-"
"Come now, what was that song-by the Beatles-that you were mentioning before I came in…?"
He allowed himself to become settled once again, on the pillow, inclining his neck so Hermione's head rested right underneath his chin.
"Oh you know…that…one…with the…la-la-Er…All you need is…um…"
"Love?"
"What? Now?"
"All You Need is Love. That's the song?"
"Yeah…those kids don't know just how much they…got…" Harry muttered out, dozing off at last.
"Well," Hermione started, clicking off the lamp which stood on the nightstand next to the bed, "I think they have at least a slight idea now…" she grinned to herself, watching the darkness engulf Harry's sleeping figure.
AN- Ahoy there, mates! Argh…"Ahem" *Drops Eye-Patch* Yes, this is a one-shot (so no one has to jab a stick in my back telling me I'm abandoning my other fics…) written in the spirit of my fic The Facts of Life and…all things…filled with Er…Lovey-Doveiness? Yes, right then, so carry on the spirit and review!