A/N: read and review this awesome story by kalen http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=525419. Yes! Thank you ilovetidus for updating http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=799737 !!! (Sorry babe, I didn't make the deadline. Ha! Not even by a freakin day. Sad.). I changed Johnnie to Johnny (slight technicality)… and I think I'm becoming shipper of St. John and Bobby (not for this story) thanks to Jenn's writings. Thanks Tatiana for the help with this chapter and Chiang, Bobbie, Kalen, ilovetidus and Bunny Angel for listening!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(etc!) Thanks to all those who reviewed and whoever recc'ed, I love you! There's a quote you'll probably never recognize that I need to give The Smiths crediting for. Credit to Smiths for quote. Okay there.
Yeah, I know this is the longest you've been without, but Christmas break didn't count (ellipsis points) Okay, so I was just being lazy (and not to mention that I was never the type to finish a chapter very quickly). But I have every intension of finishing this story, and hey the chapter's really long (nothing like 'erratic' though. I hope this is a good long cuz I didn't make it long on purpose) and there's some RYRO ::Screams, shouts and yells::!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Forgive me if I don't update as quickly as you would like me to. It's sort of hard to keep a story going and keep up my grades (i guess that 60 negates that 105 in Chemistry) at the same time due to my stupidity in course selecting (it's gonna be worse junior year, which is why this story will be finished by summer or in summer. Man, but not before the 2nd movie ::cries, sobs and … something::). Also, if you don't want to have to keep checking for updates and continuously be disappointed, write and tell me in a review or in an email your email address and I'll inform you when I update (yeah like a mailing list).
Warning: There is lots of snogging and some serious fondalation but not too serious, if you know what I mean, but serious, but not- also there's some coughnonryrostuffcough and um… lots of it, so forgive me… and excuse my use of the word snogging. Lol. Rolling on the linoleum (Lol Randi.) Yay, on to the chapter, finally, and then the REVIEWING! Awesome, my favorite part!
(Saturday, 29 December 2002 – Friday, February 07 2003) (told ya I'ma slow writer)
XIV. Used
The sound of the running shower leaked out from under the bathroom door along with a tolerable song and the horrible voice that was butchering it. The blanket, my pillows nor my attempt to mentally ignore it helped drone out the voice. At all. Sitting up hastily, I threw the covers and my pillows from my head, pushed myself off the bed and stood up. She must have entered the room while I had been sleeping. I noticed that the outfit she had given me was no longer sprawled across the floor; in contrast it had been carefully folded and positioned on the dresser. I thought about how she would indubitably scold me about its being thrown on the floor, which reminded me how it got there. I felt somewhat aghast with myself for the events that had followed the shirts landing. Damn, was I desperate enough to overlook everything I knew of Ben for a kiss? It had been a good kiss though, a really good kiss, and he was a really good kisser. Okay so maybe from judging my thoughts, I was desperate, but what I had was not bad.
I grabbed one of my black hoodies and all but slammed the door behind me as I rushed out of the room. So where was I to go now? I pulled the jacket on over my head and then turned and looked down the hallway and spotted a couple of students lingering around talking. Being that it was a Saturday afternoon, I assumed that most of the students would be active outside in the 'backyard' or in the game room. I turned and headed the usual way to the stairs, one hand in my jacket pocket, the other trailing along the wall as I walked down the hall.
"Hey," I looked up just in time to see Roberto walk pass me with an acknowledging nod. I managed to mutter a weak hey as I turned my head following him. Had Tess already talked to him? Did he know of her plans to try to hook us up? I turned back around with a glare on my face. Tess and I would definitely be talking soon. Or maybe it was a possibility that he was just saying hi? When I turned back around to glance at him, I found that he had done the same. I turned back around hurriedly embarrassed at being caught even though technically I had caught him. He had to know, I thought as I walked down the stairs. He had to be in on it. Tess would definitely face the consequences. Later anyway.
Students were walking in and out of the game room as I approached it. It would not be excessively crowded I hoped. As I walked in, I noticed that it had half the occupants it normally did, which by my standards was good enough for a visit. I stepped into the game room and stopped in the entrance as a sudden deluge of panic inundated over me. I stared blankly ahead of me at the students socializing.
"Excuse me," I turned around sharply, almost hitting the person behind me, who happened to be patiently waiting to try to get through the doorway. Mumbling out an apology, I stepped to the side of the doorway to let her walk through, then moved over farther from the entrance and took a seat on the floor out of the way and unnoticed. I studied the room of students, and the first thing I noticed was John and Bobby playing foosball across the room. I remembered playing with them the day Logan left for Canada and actually having fun.
I observed John as he played and mused over why I had turned him down last Thursday. It was clearly perceptible to me now that I had made a mistake. I had not even thoroughly thought my decision over or told him how I had felt. Why had I not just contemplated asking him if we could take things unhurriedly? If I had not panicked at the thought of being committed in a serious relationship- that would be my first- I would not have become maniac-depressed. Therefore I would not have tried to rid myself of self-pity with my razor and scared the hell out of Tess. I definitely would not have acted like an idiot on Thursday, Logan would have never smelled my blood, and he could go back to ignoring me rather than being on alert ever time I came near like Scott.
Just then, John hurriedly spun the handles and scored a goal. His look of determination quickly turned into a grin. If I had not turned him down, he would not hate me, Bobby would stop patronizing me and I would never have got involved with Ben. And although, I secretly found Ben attractive, I strongly disbelieved that he was right for me.
Not like I had choice anymore. John was unmistakably over being turned down, but piteously I was not. I sighed and perused the rest of the room, spotting Ben among the crowd playing air hockey. Well it was nice to see that he was socializing. Apparently he was finished with the game. He left the table and walked around the game room, stopping at random games and watching people play them. Maybe it was better that I was involved with Ben now rather than with John where I might have screwed everything up, which I doubt would have been good for my health. I mean there was virtually no chance of my messing anything up with Ben. At all. I knew for what reasons he was in, and clandestinely I knew they were the same as mine.
He stopped at the foosball table watching John and Bobby play. John glanced up to see who was hovering over him as he played and then hastily took a double take. Ben had by then caught Bobby's attention, and Bobby's expression swiftly changed to a hostile one, and both he and John stopped playing and stared at Ben, who looked back at both of them blankly. I would not have been astonished if he had forgotten the little quarrel they had had yesterday. It seemed Bobby asked him something because Ben nodded. He stepped closer and John reluctantly moved over, not looking too blithe. Apparently Ben was joining the game. My eyebrows shot up in shock that Bobby had asked him to join, and that he had accepted. Bobby was going to play with the boy who had given him two black eyes and a swift kick to his pride.
They started the game back up again, John and Ben against Bobby. It was not hard for me to choose a side to silently cheer on. I watched them play from my spot, staring at John and Ben, and then John, and Ben again, incessantly comparing the two and what I could have with either. The game was not that exciting from my spot and I had tired of regretting my decisions, so I decided to leave. I stood up, breaking my stare from the foosball table, walked the small distance to the door and left.
Differing from my normal aspirations, I actually hoped that Tess would be present when I entered our room. I was yearning to have our long awaited talk especially after having seen Roberto. I opened the door to my room and stepped in. Tess looked up at me from her bed.
"Where'd you go?" Tess inquired. She was sitting on the edge of her bed. What did it matter where I had been? Had she been expecting to talk to me, too? About Roberto? I responded that I had been to the game room. Her eyes widened in wonder, and then they narrowed in suspicion. I rolled my eyes already knowing what she was suspecting and waited for her to say it.
"Ben?" she asked, appalled. It pissed me off that she actually thought she had the right to know my motive for every thing. And what if I had been with Ben? I could spend every single second with him if I wanted, and she would have no say in it. I responded negatively.
"Tess, we need to talk," I stated. I walked over to my bed, her eyes following me, and sat down placing my hands back in my hoodie pocket. I took in a deep breath and let it out in a heavy sigh. She raised an eyebrow inquisitively. How was I to do this? She had no idea what I was about to say, so I wanted to keep it short to avoid any problems, but I definitely did not want to forget anything.
"Aboouut?" she asked impatiently. I ran through the list in my head: John, Ben, clothes, my business, her business, her attitude. That seemed about right.
"I think you should mind your own business and stay outa mine. Stop bugging me about John and stop bitchin' about Ben. Nothing you can say will change the way things are. Don't ever buy me an outfit again, please, but thanks for the one you got me," I proclaim as rapidly as I could. I looked at Tess waiting for my answer. She stared at me stolidly. What was she thinking? She shifted on her bed, I think processing everything I had just said. Then her expression unexpectedly went from an impassive one to an enraged one.
"WHAT?!" she yelled. I recoiled fearfully as she jumped up from her bed. "You want me to just stand back while you cluelessly let Ben use you when you could be with someone SO much better?"
"Who? Roberto!" I questioned angrily regaining my composure. She looked surprised at my mentioning his name. Had I been right? "Look Tess, it's just like what you said to Logan. I do not appreciate your trying to run everything for me even if you are trying to help because I don't need help!"
"That's not what I said," she replied prickishly. "And anyway I should have listened to Logan! Ben is just like Bobby, and he doesn't really like you!"
I clenched my jaw so extremely tightly that it felt as if my teeth would crack if I did not let off on some of the pressure soon. "Maybe I don't care! Maybe I want to be used!" I shouted back at her standing up now to face her. Her brows knitted in uncertainty at the thought of my wanting to be used. She probably did not understand that at all, did not think it could be a possibility that I could be experimenting or just desperate for touch, for anything.
"What do you mean by that? You want him to use you until he's tired with you," I responded with an apathetic 'maybe', "That doesn't even make sense!" I shrugged. "Can't you see that Ben is an asshole? I would never date someone like him, he's-," she started. Did she think that we were so alike as to date the same type of guys? Or did she think I had to have her approval of who to date?
"I don't care Tess! I'll date whoever the fuck I want, and if I feel like it I'll fuck whoever I want!" I screamed wrathfully. "And I don't expect to get any shit from you!"
"You know what? Fine. I don't CARE anymore! Do whatever the hell you want! Obviously you're stupid enough to chose the wrong guy and not care that he just wants to see how far he can get with you!" she turned and walked around her bed away from me.
"Or maybe I'm just with him to see how far I can get with him," I enunciated in a calm, settled, indifferent voice and taking some few steps closer as she neared the door. I just wanted to fucking kill her! Why was she so stubborn! They were my decisions, my consequences, and it was my life!
"Well then you're just right for each other!" she yelled irately opening the door to leave.
"Go to hell!" I shouted just before she slammed the door. The rage was radiating off me in waves, and I was trembling just the slightest. Well so much for not having any problems. I was elated that she was gone seeing as she had pissed me off enough for the day. I turned, stalked the few stepped to bed and dropped down onto the edge, my hands shoved deeply in my pocket. At least I had gotten what I wanted across to her. I sighed and lay back on my bed for a few minutes to cool off. Where was my razor when I needed it? Or better yet Ben? Our argument had only made me want him more, only motivated me to give in a little more to him just to spite her. Where had she gone? To Kitty and Jubilee's? The game room? What about Logan, would she dare to try to get him on her side? I shot up, and pushed myself off the bed once more and started for the door once more. I swiftly yanked it open and took a step forward only to end up being blocked by Ben. I stared at him somewhat shocked at his timing. Was he telekinetic, too?
"Hey… what are you doing here?" I questioned. He greeted me with a small grin and invited himself in. I stumbled to the side and closed the door behind him. I felt extremely awkward now after having the fight with Tess where he had been the subject of discussion, and I could not shake the feeling that he somehow knew about it.
"To see you. Saw you leave the game room. Thought maybe you came from the lounge or something," he answered. I debated over whether I should ask him about the game and decided against it. It would seem like I had been watching him, which was what I had been doing. When he grasped my forearms, pulled me towards him and leaned down to captured my lips in a kiss, I met him halfway, wrapping my arms around his back with newfound incentive.
"Why didn't you come over?" he asked breaking the kiss. I shrugged. Should I tell him about the incident Bobby and I had had earlier or keep it covert? He would want to leave to confront Bobby if I told him, and then they would get in trouble if they were caught, and the three of us would be called to the Professor's office, which was exactly what I did not need on a Saturday, especially after having it out with Tess. I egocentrically needed him to be here to help me get my mind of the fight and, additionally, off my desiring to use my razor. In a way he was its replacement covering for the tension, the conflicting emotions, and damn, the touch and the feel that I needed so much, at least until Logan and Scott were off my back, and the great thing about that was that he would not mind being used. This time I took the initiative and leaned forward to kiss him. He accepted and wrapped his arms around my back again and leaned forward into the kiss. Could anything feel better than this? Was it possible that something could surpass this feeling?
"Are you cold?" he inquired. I told him no and leaned forward to again to persist. "Then why are you wearing this jacket?" Was that his way of trying to get me out of my clothes? I felt myself almost starting to get angry with him, but managed to allay it. I did not really have on much under this jacket: an undershirt. The hoodie was not coming off.
"Does it matter?" I asked. He hesitated before shaking his head and mumbled out a 'guess not' before continuing the kiss. Good to know he was not going to be persistent about it, I thought as he slipped his tongue in my mouth. He was beginning to let his hands wander a little. I knew that he was a touchy person from our first encounter, but I was tentative to let him. As the kissing got more demanding, he let his hands slip under the jacket, and he ran his fingers up my back discovering how little I had on under the jacket. I fidgeted a little uncomfortable with his hands being where they were and brought my arms from around him, placed them on his, and pushed them back down to my waist. He did not move them again for a while until he grabbed the bottom of the jacket and started pulling it up.
"What are you doing?" I asked pulling away from him, breaking the kiss once more and pushing the jacket back down. He watched me obviously disappointed with my reaction. "Can't you just take it off?" I shook my head in the negative. Not only would I be then practically topless, but also the bandages and the scars were still there.
"Why? Your bandages?" he asked. My eyebrows shot up in alarm. "What the hell did you cut yourself on to have to have those bandages?" Oh shit. I had no idea what to tell him. Could I even trust him with a secret so big as this? I doubted he would tell anyone, especially if I asked him not to, and I would have to tell him sooner or later if I wanted this to go any farther. I started to say something but decided to just show him. I walked past him over to my bed, and he turned watching me. I stopped myself examining what I was about to do once more before I reached under the pillow and pulled out the razor. It was there where I had last left it before going to the mall with Tess and ready to be used. I walked back and handed it to him. He took the razor from my hand and examined it.
"Why do you have this?" he questioned, puzzled. I bit my lip, but it was not out of nervousness. I do not know why, but I felt I could trust him with what I had to tell him. I explained that I cut myself with it. "Why are you keeping it then?"
"It was not an accident," I replied staring at it in his hand rather than his face. He looked from the razor down to me with no certain expression really on his face. I stared at him waiting for his response. When I did not get one, I pulled back one of my sleeves showing him more of the bandages. I pulled the bandage tape up from the end and slowly unwrapped the end, in a way unwrapping the bandages from my secret, and showed him the still very raw, but healing cuts.
"Shit," he mumbled, taking a step back. I glanced at my arm and perused the old scars, and the swollen not yet healed deep incisions for myself. I realized that it did look scary, creepy even, and I accepted his reaction fully, knowing I would see it again one day. I wrapped the bandages back around my arm and taped the end back down before I pulled my sleeve back down. My sleeves had always enshrouded my scars. Hiding what needed to be hidden. Ben just stared at me, and I reached out towards him, wanting my razor back. He placed it my palm, but kept hold of my hand. I raised my head to look my hand in his.
"Why?" I did not answer. " You cut yourself… on purpose. Those scars, Marie, it looks like someone took a butcher knife to your arm." He should see the rest of my body. I looked up at his face, and clutched the razor tighter.
"Who are you going to tell?" I asked suddenly. He could not tell anyone. He would not leave this room if he had any intentions of telling anyone. That could not happen. I would not let it.
"No one if you don't want me to," I told him I did not want him to. "I won't then. It's your… thing."
As stupid as that had sounded, it was closely what I wanted to hear. I uttered out a quiet thanks, and looked down at his chest wanting to avoid his face at all cost. He tightened his grip on my hand and pulled me closer toward him, then slipped his other hand around my waist, his face now dangerously close to mine.
"Don't worry, I said I won't tell," he avowed before leaning over and pressing his lips to mine again. I was unresponsive at first. The fact that I was not the only one who knew about my masochist tendencies still made me extremely fretful and apprehensive, but I allowed myself to begin to relax into the kiss. Right, I thought as I closed my eyes, my secret was safe. I had nothing to worry about because no one was going to find out.
"So am I eating with you tonight?" Ben questioned when we were walking downstairs later. Dinner was about halfway through, and I had been walking with him downstairs. I did not think that dinner would be the same if he were to join Scott and me. It might be awkward and uncomfortable. Though the last time I had eaten with Scott, Thursday, it had not been the 'same'. Yeah, acting like a drunken idiot was not the usual. I turned and looked up at Ben, and he was already looking down at me. I shook my head.
"It would be weird…." I started. "And Scott and I… I don't know. I think we need to talk."
"About?" he inquired. We needed to talk about our conversation earlier today. I had not really thought about what had been said until recently. He had said something about Logan coming to him about me. Was Logan really that suspicious of me? I had not seen him since this morning, and I wondered what I would do if I encountered him later.
"Stuff," I answered. I did not exactly want Ben to know about Thursday. He might then feel compelled to tell someone about my masochist tendencies, and everything would be over- for me anyway. Fortunately, he did not push on the subject. Instead he nodded solemnly.
"I'll leave early and meet you or something," I proclaimed trying to assuage the rejection. I was definitely learning to hate him a little less now that he was not so straightforwardly perverse. A little more time and I might be willing to take a step up from the kissing partners status. Maybe.
"Alright," he responded, as we neared the dining room entrance. Before he entered, he pulled me to the side and gave me a lengthy kiss, and it was not the kind of kiss I wanted someone to just walk away from.
Seeing as dinner was only halfway over, I walked down the hallway to the empty game room and made my way into the lounge. I picked the remote control up from the table as I rounded the couch, and sat down. Would dinner be awkward even without Ben? I wanted to ask Scott about Logan, but would he be willing to talk about it? I could not very much force him to tell me anything. What if instead he wanted to question me, and the dinner turned into an inquiry? What would I do, get up and walk away from the table? That would only be rude and launch more suspicions. What if he came after me? Then what would I do? Shut down as I had done on Logan. I was not so sure now that I wanted to eat with Scott tonight. Ben's joining us seemed more and more like a good idea.
I sighed and sank down on the couch. What if Logan came in during dinner again? What if he stayed? What if he wanted to talk? What if he and Scott decided that the Professor needed to be brought in on the situation? There would be no way I could preclude any on these events, and all because I had made the mistake of coming downstairs on Thursday. The feeling of helplessness engulfed me. There had to be something I could do to keep any of that from happening. I would have to convince Scott that nothing was wrong with me, and then Logan.
I thought I felt the presence of someone watching me, and found my intuition correct when I turned my head towards the kitchen and saw John staring at me. I sat up promptly when he started for the couch. Was he coming to talk to me, and if so, what about? Maybe he wanted to finish our last conversation.
"Hey," he said as he neared me. I wondered how long he had been standing there watching. He took a seat next to me on the couch. No one else seemed to be coming from the dining room.
"Hey," I greeted him somewhat nervously. I guess this meant he was actually willing to become 'just friends' again or just talk. "… Is dinner over yet?"
He looked at me and shook his head. "I just had to leave…."
What did that mean? Did it have anything to do with Ben? Had Ben said something about us? I wanted to ask, but it did not seem like he wanted to talk about it. He was staring at the TV now, and I noticed I had never turned it on and decided to give him the remote control. He took it, turned on the TV, started flipping through the stations and stopped on a channel he seemed satisfied with.
When I turned and looked at him again, he looked relaxed like nothing had ever happened, like there had never been a Wednesday night or a Thursday. And for a second Ben had never come here; we were friends again; he still saved a seat for me everyday in class… I had said yes on Thursday; and we were just hanging out together downstairs. And then he turned at meet my gaze, raising an eyebrow in question, and I snapped out of my reverie and turned back to the TV.
Dreaming would not change anything, but something told me that I could. I shoved that contemplation to the back of my head. It was too late to change anything. There was no way John would be willing to be in a relationship with me after all that had happened. After I had said what I had, and then hooked up with Ben not a day later. Damn, I did not think even I would if I were him. That had been a big insult, and what would I tell him: 'No, Johnny, I didn't mean it that way! I'm just afraid of committing to the right person, so I decided to settle for Ben!' And was I to expect him to believe or even understand that? I sighed quietly, frustrated with myself.
But I could see out of the corner of my eye that he had not turned back right away, and maybe that meant something. Or maybe not. I stared listlessly at the television ahead of me. None of the images making it quite past my eyes, the audio flowing in one ear and seeping out the other. At least, he was sitting here next to me, and that was one huge step towards a friendship renewed, right? And then there was talking. Could I initiate a conversation though without having it emulate the earlier one this morning.
"… I still have your boxers and shirt," I stated. Okay maybe not the best choice one could have selected with the given conditions, but was that a smile on his lips? I was pretty sure that it was. He turned and glanced at me.
"Have you… done any flinging yet?" he asked grinning now. Wow, not exactly what I expected for starters, but I would unreservedly take it. Take anything to be on good terms with him again. To take a step towards normality.
"No," I replied with pristine levity. Laughter was a great sign, and that was what I was getting. Nor had I washed them, I remembered. Which reminded me of Tess with Logan's boxers and Logan with Scott's. Thankfully, Logan had never talked to Scott about my having them, or maybe Scott had just never mentioned it. Though that was not something I wanted to consider. I pushed that unpleasant train of thoughts away and focused on what was occurring right now- my socializing with John.
"What happened with Logan and the other boxers?" he asked turning to look at me. Eye contact without tension or indifference behind it. Another step. I shrugged having not a clue to what had really happened.
"He never mentioned it again," I answered. "Neither did Scott."
He nodded, the grin still playing on his lips as he turned back to the television, and I remembered suddenly how earlier he had asked if could call me by my real name. He had not addressed me by it yet, though he had not addressed me by anything yet. I had a feeling hearing him say it would change everything. Maybe clarify some things. I finally turned back towards the TV, grinning, and again not taking anything in, instead running over in my head the conversation that had just taken place. How there had been no edginess or tentativeness at all in our voices. How it had been so natural, and there had been no acrimony present. John turned back towards me.
"Are you dating Ben?" my eyebrows raised in shock. I turned to him to see that he now had a serious expression on his face. Was I dating Ben? Could you call my using him for gratification dating? Did I want to call gratification dating? I took my time answering him.
"… I like your accent," I declared thoughtlessly. It was only seldom that I could hear the traces of his Australian accent. When I heard what I had said, I did not know whether to burst out laughing or get up and run away, but it seemed to me that running was too often my first impulse. How many times had I heard that running from my problems would never help, I thought. Yeah, that was my problem. That was the reason why everything was the way it was now. John looked disconcerted to say at the least, and he did not respond right away.
"… I like yours, too," he replied. I bit my lip as I stared back at him hoping he would not repeat his previous question. He stared back mutely, and I wondered if he was debating on whether to ask again or not, but he did not make any move to say anything and that made me particularly uneasy.
He started to lean forward, and my eyes widened slightly when I realized what he was doing. Had I been wrong about his feelings? This was more than a step unexpected, this was… I did not know, but I had to decide quickly if I wanted to stop him or let him kiss me, and I suddenly knew how much I wanted him to, and I felt myself pushing my body up in my seat. I reminded myself that I was not dating Ben, and that I was allowed to do this before I leaned forward somewhat hastily and let my lips meet his halfway. As I closed my eyes and leaned forward into the kiss more, there was more than just electricity running through every nerve in my body. I literally felt the mansion and everyone in it evanesce, and my fingers tightened on the couch for the reassurance that it was still there. It was amazing how the feel of a kiss could change when you really liked someone for more than their physical appearance, I thought as I opened my mouth to his. I scooted myself closer to him, and raised my hand up, but then having no idea what to do with it let it drop. He placed the remote control on the seat where it toppled off onto the floor.
"Yeah, I was like- 'WOW! How very surprising!'" someone said. We swiftly broke the kiss and moved from each other. We both glanced at the doorway fearing that we had been seen. The two people continued walking into the game room, ignoring us, and leading the mass of students out of the kitchen behind them. I could feel the newfound tension building up between us as soon as the panic had drained. John picked up the remote control, stood up and dropped it on the couch where he had been sitting.
"I'll see you later…." He said tensely, walking away when I had nodded. I sat back against the couch as what had just happened sunk into my consciousness. Damn, it had felt so much different from kissing Ben; it had been on an entirely different level, and it definitely had not been the type of kiss I had wanted him to walk away from. I let out a deep sigh, as I sank down in my seat. I bit my bottom lip and ran my tongue over it not wanting his taste to fade away.
A couple of minutes later, I stood up from the couch and made my way toward the kitchen, and walked by Tess. She looked at me but did not say anything and continued behind Sam toward the game room. Odd how for once she actually managed to keep her mouth shut. When I walked into the kitchen, I coincidently met up with Ben who had been leaving the dining room. All I could think about was John and the kiss when I looked at him. Would I ever experience that again? I undeniably could not tell Ben what had happened, though something told me he would presumably be the open relationship type.
I was tempted to ask him though if anything had happened during dinner; maybe why John had left. Not that I had a chance before he had leaned forward and kissed me, parting my lips with his tongue and shoving it in my mouth. Wow, what had happened to turn him on like this? Not that I did not appreciate it, being somewhat aroused from the kiss with John. I was disappointed though at the lack of similarity between the two kisses, and that only highlighted the fact that I had made a huge mistake. I had been so misguided when I had thought I had been getting the ultimate replacement for cutting from kissing Ben, and I knew now that every time that I kissed him, I would care that it would be Ben and not John.
I thought I heard Jubilee and Kitty arguing from in the dining room, and tried to pull away from an unwilling Ben. He pulled me closer as he deepened the kiss. Oh crap! What if they came in and saw us, I thought as my eyes flew open in trepidation when Ben would not let me go. I could hear them nearing the kitchen. I pulled away again, this time hitting him until I finally managed to break away as they entered the kitchen.
"What?" Ben asked disgruntled, as they both walked in. I watched them walk by not noticing Ben or me as they continued arguing. It seemed like I was having lots of luck in the not-being-seen-department. Good, I would not have to suffer through a tedious conversation, nor would the whole school know in the next ten minutes that we had been making out in the kitchen.
"Nothing," I answered as the rest of the dining room occupants filed out. He narrowed his eyes in skepticism. He obviously did not know the damage that Kitty and Jubilee were capable of. Or maybe he did not see our making out as damaging. Of course not because he was okay with public display of affection, and more over he was not ashamed of me. I grimaced at that thought. It was too close to home and too near the bone. Was I ashamed of him? I looked back up at him. No, I was just being careful, I told myself.
"I'll see you… later," I told him mimicking John and then pulled away from him completely. I did not want to take any more chances at being caught, and I needed to eat. He said bye tentatively and walked away into the lounge, and I went to the refrigerator, got some food and came back to the empty kitchen and started eating. I ate speedily wanting to finish before Scott appeared so I could leave early if I needed to, which most likely I would unless things went the way I hoped they would-normally. When I was done, I waited apprehensively for him to arrive. I could only image how our conversation would go. Damn, should I be worried, because I was more than nervous. I was beginning to feel the initial stages of the tendrils of anguish. What if when Logan had gone to him, they had had an actual two-sided conversation? I shuddered at that possibility and more prominently what the consequences of it could be.
"Hey," I looked up, half-startled, at Scott, as he took his usual seat in front of me. Stay calm, I told myself. No need to screw things up especially if they were already fine, and furthermore I was not planning on doing so. Even though it had only been two days since we had eaten dinner together (and this morning that we had eaten breakfast together), contrastingly it felt as if a week had passed by. I cleared my throat and greeted him with a 'hi', deciding that I should initiate the conversation.
"I'm sorry about earlier today," I started. My behavior at lunch had not been the best. I had allowed my ire from the talk with Logan get to me and he had been there for me to take it out on. Not to mention Bobby's little torture session or my lack of sleep at the time. He raised an eyebrow inquiringly.
"For what?" he asked. What did he mean 'for what'? Did he not remember how our conversation had gone? It had seemed to me in the car that maybe things had changed. Maybe he had played it off as a mood swing.
"Getting angry with you for nothing," I answered. "… At the restaurant."
"It's okay. I shouldn't have tried to push an answer out of you. I was just wondering why Logan came to me about you," he replied. I nodded agreeing with him that he should not have tried to push an answer out of me. Taking a moment to pause, he continued: "But I still don't think he would have approached me the way he did, if it was not serious."
Crap, oh crap. I did not want to start back into that conversation. "Um… yeah, I think I just need to talk to him. We haven't… in a while." Decently anyway, I was tempted to add.
"If there is something, Rogue… don't-"
"Yeah, I know I can tell you," I interrupted. And I definitely would if I could if there was something that did not need to be hidden, or that I thought was a problem. "But there's nothing that you should be worried about."
Was I actually getting used to hearing these lies come out my mouth? I bit my lip, mentally prompting myself to not be so hasty, which was what I had basically just apologized for. Rather than saying so, he nodded in acknowledgement. Okay so what was next? I sat silently in my seat waiting for him to initiate another conversation, which thankfully he did.
"How are things with Ben?" he asked. My eyes widened slightly. What did he mean by that and where had that come from? He did not think that Ben and I were dating did he, and did that mean other people thought we were dating?
"Um… fine," I replied. What had he meant by asking me that? "I guess… they're good." That answer had not implied that we were dating, did it? I hoped that I had had not just confirmed that we were because we were not dating. We were friends with benefits. No, I did not think that if Ben and I were not 'together' we would be friends. What did that make us then, strangers with benefits? No, we were just 'together'. And who cared that together and dating could be taken to mean the same thing. I did not, and if I said they did not, they did not.
"I overheard Tess mention at dinner that there was a fight between the two of you. I didn't hear the entire conversation, but it was nothing serious was it?" he asked. Tess had told everyone about the fight at dinner? Kept her mouth shut my ass. Obviously I had been wrong about her silence, and right in my worrying. Had she revealed that Ben had been the reason of the fight? And if so, had she told Ben? No, I could not imagine Tess talking Ben unless she was in someway blaming or insulting him; likewise I doubted she sat close enough to him for him to have heard her talking. Wait, Scott had just said dinner. How was it that he could he have heard them during dinner?
"Dinner?" I asked. He would have had to eaten in the dining room to have heard them, unless Scott had some weird fetish for hiding near the door or under the tables to eavesdrop. I almost laughed at the thought until I realized what this could mean. This could be his way into subtly ceasing our after dinner dinners. Did he want to go back to eating with everyone else, his acquaintances? Had he tired of my company?
"Yes… I've started eating in the dining room again, but that doesn't mean that we have to stop meeting afterwards. I thought that as a teacher I should resume eating with the students," he stated. Had this been his first night back in the dining room, or had he long ago started easing back into eating at the scheduled dinners? Moreover, did Jean or the Professor have any influence in his decision 'as a teacher'? Damn it, I was a student was I not, I thought self-indulgently. I had no right to feel thwarted, but I did. I was now accordingly the only person in the mansion who did not eat in the dining room. And what did that make me, a sore loser? I tried to keep how I felt off my face, biting down on my tongue in an endeavor to allay my emotions, which only averted my attention to my aching tongue in my mouth which in return only reminded me that a short while before, Johnny's lips had been on mine.
"It was nothing serious. Nothing you should worry about… She- It was about Ben," and how she disapproved of my being with him. As if her opinion meant anything to me. Not when she was being so dogmatically insistent on pushing it on me. Her inclination towards the subject had only been annoying at first, but it had become exasperating.
"Ben? Did he do something?" Scott asked. I suddenly remembered Wednesday when Bobby had been sitting here complaining about Ben to Scott about how he had touched me.
"She just doesn't like him," I explained. And now she does not like me. Maybe I could be so lucky as to have her give me the silent treatment.
"I got that from her tone," he mentioned. Maybe she and Bobby had finally found their reason to come together as friends. I wondered how many followers they had gained tonight in their anti-Ben propaganda. How many more people hated him?
Maybe we should stop eating together seeing as I would be the only one eating. Was it really necessary for him to stay here while I did? I could only see our meeting in the future as being in vain. A weak attempt in maybe trying not to hurt my feelings until one day I was forced to rejoin regularly scheduled dinners. So maybe I would miss it, but we had not been doing it for that long, and besides I would not have to worry about Scott or his suspicions as much as I had recently, and I could completely avoid another 'Thursday' as well. Also, maybe it was inappropriate.
"We don't have to keep meeting, Scott. It's fine. Maybe we should have stopped these before they started. I mean… it's inappropriate," I stated, not wholly believing anything I had just said, and not knowing if I had meant it. He remained silent. Had I stunned him? Had he not expected that or something of the like?
"… I'm not-You want to eat alone?" he questioned. Not exactly what I would call a remonstration. Plus, who had said I would eat alone. I could just go back to eating dinner with everyone else. Or maybe I could just eat with Ben. I shrugged.
"I don't have to eat alone… I could-" We both turned and watched as Logan, Jean and Bobby walked out of the dining room late. Logan turned and nodded in acknowledgement towards Scott, I turned with slightly furrowed eyebrows and watched Scott greet him back. Had my eyes just cheated me? Okay what had happened at this dinner that I had missed? Though Logan had not actually beamed and waved at Scott, he had just greeted him- more or less. I realized that as I considered the talk Logan had had with Scott, it had to be the reason. The reason they were not… acting normal. They were on the same plane here, which was trying to figure out what I was 'hiding'.
"I could eat in the dining room…." I mumbled, not knowing if I would or would not. I heard someone stop, and turned to see that Logan had dropped behind Jean and Bobby and was listening to us now. That would satisfy him, would it not? Whether he and Scott were… consorters or not, our ceasing of dinners together would be of his liking. I turned back to Scott, who nodded.
"That would be the best thing," he answered. I could hear Logan nearing the table. What, did he have something to add to the conversation he was not included in? Was he aware that he was being rude by listening in on our conversation like this? Did Scott even care? He sure as hell did not seem to. Were they actually working together? Jean and Bobby walked out of the kitchen into the lounge talking, while Logan stayed and listened. I suddenly got the urge to leave. I did not want to be here anymore.
"You're coming back to dinner?" Logan asked. I knew he was not asking Scott. I shrugged not bothering to turn around and look at him. I was not entirely prepared to talk to Logan just yet; similarly I still did not want to be here.
"What made you… change your mind?" Not what I would call a change of mind. It was more of a not-wanting-to-pitied decision. I glanced at Scott, whose expression I could not figure out, and shrugged.
"You gonna eat with us tomorrow?" he asked. Damn, would he not just back off! Why was it so important anyway? However, I knew the answer to that. It was just that- did he have to make it so transparent what he was trying to do? And Scott? Like his sitting there being quiet was so fucking normal. I felt like a freaking target with both their eyes burning into me, and I wanted now more that ever to be out of here. I shrugged again trying to devise a plan quickly. Dinner had ended somewhat late tonight. I could use that as an excuse to leave.
"I don't know," I pushed my chair back and stood up, "It's late… Bye."
Oh wow, way to be articulate. I turned and hurriedly walked towards the exit. If they wanted to know if I was going to eat with them tomorrow, they could just attend dinner and find out. As I neared Logan, he grabbed my arm, throwing me off balance and also stopping me before I could make it to the door. I looked down at his hand wrapped around my arm, and then up at him, my eyebrows furrowed somewhat angrily.
"Something wrong?" he asked. Why would something be wrong, Logan? I asked myself sarcastically. I had only just found out that the chances for everything to return to normal had been utterly obliterated now that you and Scott were getting along, and forget the fact that I would probably be eating alone soon, and who cared that practically no one liked the boy I was snogging (and I was not so clear on the subject myself).
"No," I said somewhat bitterly. What was he expecting me to do, blurt out that I was a masochist? I added carefully 'nothing' and waited for him to let my arm go. When he did, I sped out of the kitchen with out so much as a backwards glance towards either of them. I did not know how much more I could take of their suspicions. Especially, now since they were not even trying to hide them. They had 'partners' written all over them. This was all my fault. Under normal circumstances this would be fine, shocking, even amusing, but this was just trouble.
I walked out into the game room stopping at the entrance, and took a deep breath, and then shakily let it out. At least my joining them at dinner would allay some of their suspicions, I hoped. Ben. Ben. Where was he? I had some serious distress to get rid of. I looked around examining the room. Damn, I really needed him right now, especially since the razor was completely ruled out.
"Looking for me?" I jumped back into the lounge, startled- terrified, as someone literally emerged right in front of me. Bobby. I was surprised he was not playing at the foosball table with Johnny. I sent him an annoyed glower and looked around again. Was not looking for Ben this time. What was wrong with this boy? He spread rumors about me, patronized me, apologized to me, patronized me some more the next day, jumped me, and now he wanted to be… playful? I was not in the mood for another one of his mood swings. Not to mention I was still a bit irate with him for mauling me to the ground this morning.
"Seen Ben?" I asked turning to look him straight in the eye. You know the boy who I chose over you, I told him in my head. I was feeling exceedingly spiteful, but I was not in the disposition to start anything. He shrugged off my question indifferently, but I could see that he was indubitably bothered with my mentioning Ben.
"You're in the game room…. Why aren't you having a panic attack?" he asked. Oh how fucking funny. I scowled at him for his weak joke alluding to my little scene in the game room last Thursday before I turned to peruse the room once more. I wanted to so desperately to scream 'SCREW YOU, BOBBY!', but I did not have the energy to finish what it would start.
There was Ben… and there was Tess glaring at him as he watched her play ice hockey with Sam, who seemed only a little uncomfortable. It seemed to me the more I watched him the more I saw that Ben was actually the observant type. Well in one sense only. He did not seem to notice that Tess hated him. I moved forward, ignoring Bobby's question, and he took a step near me. What? Was he going to try to stop me? I pushed past him with my forearm and drifted towards Ben going over my options in my head. I guess jumping him would not be the smartest thing to do seeing as he would definitely go along with it, and where would that lead us… other than the floor… or the hockey table?
"Are we gonna go through another episode of that?" Bobby asked from behind me as I neared Ben a few seconds later after he had recovered from the shock of my pushing him and caught up with me. Ben looked up at us from Tess and Sam's hockey game at hearing Bobby. Hell, I hoped we would not. It definitely would not go the way he thought it would if there was a second time.
"Of what?" asked Ben. Nothing he needed to know of, nothing I was going to talk about and nothing Bobby would mention to Ben while he still had the birthright of the Fifth Amendment.
"A little confrontation we had… on the hallway floor," he answered provokingly looking me straight in the eye. Okay I had been wrong, but had he just made that sound like I thought he had made it sound? My mouth dropped open at his managing to make our anything but sexual encounter perverse.
"It was nothing like that," I protested to Ben, but glaring at Bobby. Ben did not have a chance to answer because Tess had slammed her air hockey piece down on the puck stopping the game, and turned to glare at all three of us.
"Take your argument elsewhere… and don't forget your dog, Rogue," she demanded, turning to look at Ben. I raised my eyebrows shocked. Had she just called Ben a dog? If anyone was the dog it was Bobby. I still could not believe he had tried to play that card. I was tempted to sic Ben on him.
"It's over," I commented. I rolled my eyes at Tess, glared at Bobby and removed the space between Ben and I, grabbing his arm and pulling him away from the table. He looked stupefied as he turned around and started walking with me.
"Did she just call me a dog?" he asked. I nodded. "Why'd she call me a dog?"
"You're not a dog," I stated annoyed with the whole situation. I could not believe Bobby had even decided to follow me in the first place. What made him think I had wanted to talk to him? And Tess. Tess needed to grow up, and get over the fight we had had. I had only told her the truth, and what she had needed to hear. "Let's leave."
"Okay. Where to? Your room?" Remembering that he had asked me that when he had first arrived at the school, I promptly ruled out either of our rooms. I shook my head. "Where then?"
"I don't know. Anywhere except here."
"Alright," he pulled his arm from my grip and grabbed my hand. When he started navigating us through the students towards the exit, I tightened my grasp on his hand. So he had a place in mind already? I did not ask where we were going; instead I just followed along as we walked out of the game room. I was relieved that we would not be staying. There were too many hostile vibes in there, and I did not want John to see us because as I knew tension was a bitch.
Ben pulled me down the hall, and I was really starting to wonder where he was taking us, but I figured I find out soon enough. We turned down the hall that led towards the library. We were going to the library? Ben looked down at me grinning, and I raised an eyebrow curiously.
"We going in?" I asked when he slowed us to a stop as we neared the entrance. He turned and stepped in front of me, placing his hands on my waist.
"No," he answered pushing me back until my back came in contact with the wall. We were going to stay out here in the hall? And do what? My question was answered as soon as he burrowed his face into my hair against my neck, exhaling deeply, and then brought a hand up from my waist to brush my hair back before he brought his mouth back down on my neck, blowing gently on my neck before he started sucking, nipping with his teeth, licking with his tongue. I closed my eyes and could barely repress my moan and failed to hold back a shiver.
"Ben," I murmured, loving the feeling that was surging through my body. If only he was Johnny, I thought. But just because he was not did not mean I could not pretend. He pulled his head up, and I opened my eyes, startled at the sudden ceasing of pleasure, to see him gazing at me. Why had he stopped when it had felt so good? The feeling was starting to fade so quickly, and I shivered again involuntarily as I looked in his eyes. They were not Johnny's, but I could imagine.
"You want me to stop?" he asked, not waiting for my answer before going back to my neck- the other side this time-, hand tightening on my waist. I gasped again at the feeling, and tried desperately to hold back a giggle I knew would make me sick and ruin the mood. It was still a shock at how good it felt again. Touch was something I would be totally fine with not getting used to. The surprise got better with each touch.
"No…." I whispered, my voice descending to a whimper. Definitely not. He brought his mouth up to mine then, and I brought my arms up and around his neck. He leaned forward pressing his body against mine and pushing me into the wall. His grip on my waist tightening, his other hand exploring my butt. I jumped, a squeal or shriek of the sorts escaping my mouth when he gave it a firm squeeze. I tried opening my mouth, which was useless because he only shoved his tongue in deeper.
"Relax," he said breaking the kiss for less than a second. I was trying to think of John when Ben decided to explore some more. This time up my shirt. Something told me he had been in this position before, particularly the part where he snaked his hand between my back and the wall and unhooked my bra. My image of John in my head was shattered completely. He was not acting like Johnny. I grabbed his arm managing to break the kiss and hastily pushed it away, then immediately reached up to rehook it, stopping only when he forced me to by grabbing grabbed my arms.
"You're not relaxed," he commented. I could not. I could not let him touch me like that. Not while I still had John buried deep in my head. Locked away or not, he was not forgotten, especially now when I was picturing him in my head. I was actually starting to feel guilty.
"Ben, don't-don't touch me like that," I stuttered trying to sound dignified; however it came out as a shaky plead. I wanted him, but not like that, especially after only a day. I could not do that. I was not Tess. I grimaced at my previous thought. It was harsh, but it was the truth. He sighed and brought his hand to my hair.
"Fine," he replied before leaning down to kiss me again. I wanted to rehook my bra, but he had me against the wall again. I could hear the mass of students down the hall, around the corner leaving the game room to go upstairs. I was not worried about anyone coming down this hallway. There was nothing interesting down here, and no one came to the library after dinner.
I was still a bit nervous, when he placed his hands on my waist, but he had not moved yet. I was stiff, but trying to loosen up. Bringing my arms back around his neck, I resolved that I would try to enjoy this again. There was no reason I should not be, I told myself. Especially when this was so… pleasing.
Ben pushed into me again, this time sliding a leg between mine and pulling me closer. I was not really sure what the point of that had been until he started grinding against me. I was startled straight back into my stiffness again. This was… different, but as he did it I realized it was not… displeasing. I tried grinding back, and that won me a nice groan. This was new, and I liked it. He was moaning now, and I was not exactly being silent. I bit my lip in fear of calling out the wrong name. I could presently feel his hard-on rubbing against me as he grinded harder- thrusting in a way, pushing me repeatedly against the wall as the kiss became more aggressive, and his breath became heavier- rougher, and his hands tightened in a death grip on my waist as he broke away from the kiss and buried his face into my hair and started groaning loudly, and mumbling out my name followed by something else incoherent.
"What?" I asked. He continued to lean on me as he shook head against my neck and pulled his leg from between mine, sliding me off. He brought his hand up to the side of my face before he captured my lips again. I did not want to stay here much longer, exhaustion was starting to set in, and the students had long ago disappeared upstairs. Ben removed his hand from my waist, and I could not tell where he had put it, but I did not care. I did not care when he started shifting around, or when he grabbed my hand. I did not care; that was until he wrapped my hand around his penis and slid it down, gathering the cum in my palm.
"What-!" I yelled, yanking my hand back and shoving him backwards with my other hand. He stumbled back and I noticed presently that his pants were unzipped and falling down. I looked down aghast at my hand. Well there was no longer any question now where his hand had gone, or what the purpose of his grinding against me was.
"Wanna taste it?" he asked, noticing I was staring at the white mess in my hand. Taste it?! Did I look like I wanted to taste it?! Did I look like I even wanted to have it in my hand? I looked up at him even more appalled then before, yet nothing would come out my mouth. It was as if my vocal chords had been frozen. I turned ready to fly down the hall when Ben grabbed my arm and gave me a disconcerted expression. I hated him. DAMNIT, I HATED HIM! He did not know when to fucking stop, which was when he had cum in his pants, or when he was crossing the damn line, which was putting it in my hand.
"Wait! Where are -?" I yanked my arm out of his grip harshly, and ran hastily down the hallway. He called out my name, but I ignored him and continued running, wishing I had never come here with him. If anyone deserved my hate, it was myself. I could not believe I had actually allowed him touch me that way, how easily I had pushed John to the back of my head to give in to lust, how stupid I had been to not notice what Ben had been doing when he had me against the wall like another one of his slut girlfriends because after all, I had said I wanted to be used, and Bobby had long ago called it out, Ben was a slut and so was I. I rounded the corner dangerously fast as the tears started burning in my eyes. My bra was still unhooked, and it was now more than ever that I noticed, but I could not stop now to reclasp it.
Oh no, please, no. There was Logan near the steps from the opposite direction, but I could not stop now. There would only be hell if he knew what had been happening. I tried to ignore him as I neared the steps.
"Rogue? What are you doing down here?" I prayed that he could not smell my trepidation or Ben in my hand and all over my body. I turned at the steps, and he when reached for me, I hastily twisted away from his hand and continued flying up the steps, the tears making their way down my cheeks in streams now as I repeated over and over in my head how I had acted and what that made me.
"Rogue? Marie! What the hell happened?" But I could not stop now. "Fuck!"
He had started to follow I knew that, but when I turned and looked behind me down the stairs, he was irefully making his way down the hall, and I stopped. He had caught scent of my trail, which would lead him down the hall and around the corner. Around the corner where he would find Ben. Where Ben would be standing with his pants falling down and covered in my scent and his. Not my problem. I started running again.
Down the hall in ten seconds, and in my room in four. I stopped myself at the last second from slamming the door. Tess could be in here. I could not see, and I did not want to wake her up, I did not want her to see me like this, I did not want to here her voice- her 'I told you so's. I closed it as softly as my unsteady hand would allow me, and then headed to the bathroom.
When I scanned myself in the mirror my hair and clothes were a mess: my pants wrinkled on one leg, my shirt tousled with my bra visible starting to rise up. My lips were swollen, hickey starting to show and I was trembling, shaking, but my sobs had died down. If Ben told Logan what had happened, it would be my problem. I doubted that Logan even needed Ben to tell him what had happened. All he had to do was look at me, look at Ben and our scents would give everything away.
Sick bastard came in his pants. I looked down at my hand recalling the… stuff in my hand, and reached out for a knob on the sink and twisted it, summoning the water to come out. I slowly emerged my hand into the stream of water, watching as some of it rinsed off my hand into the sink and down the drain.
I turned the water off, and stared at the remains and the water in my hand. As I raised my unstable hand slowly, it wavered slightly as it neared my mouth. What the hell was I doing, I thought as I brought my tongue across my hand. Ben's voice rang in my head asking if I wanted to taste it, as I took it into my mouth. It was creamy, salty, and it was Bobby's voice that was now reiterating in my head, telling me what I was.
It only took a second to register that that I did not like the taste. At all. And two seconds later, my knuckles were white, tightly clenched around the seat, whilst I shared my dinner and my tears with the toilet.
XIV. Used
A/N Dos: Oh wow, I hope I didn't work myself into a corner with this chapter. I have some idea where to go after this, suggestions if you want. And forgive me if I don't know how cum taste… cuz I don't. Did I forget to mention in my first a/n that I want to start a mailing list?? What about Kalen's story The Foundation, or ilovetidus's I knew I loved you before I met you? No, I don't think I did… send me your email addresses in a review or in an email (I won't send any SPAM, I hate SPAM (not the story by jjblazer)) and read kalen and ilovetidus's stories please!!! : D ^_^