Chapter 3

            Falling. Falling... must I forever fall? Someone stop this. There has to be a light somewhere in here, but where?

            BEEP BEEP BEEP.

            I slammed my hand down on the alarm clock. I didn't want to get up. I really didn't. I curled up in my bed and stared at the window.

            Slowly, I got up and walked over to the window. I pulled the curtains back and got a blinding shine of white light to my eyes.

            "Oww..." I closed my eyes tightly. First it was that damn milk, and now it's the damn snow. It's white though. I can escape out there.

            I slowly opened my eyes. The sun was out and there was a foot of snow on the ground. Even though it was unpleasant to first look at, I realized what an escape it would be. I have no excuse to go out in play in it, like I did with Aya, but I could always walk out there, ne?

            Why was I up anyways? Why was my alarm set when I didn't even have the morning shift? Ah, maybe it was to do laundry and go see Aya. Probably. I don't feel like it though. The snow had struck something in me, and I don't know why. I didn't want to do anything but go out and play in it. Playing was not something I have done since my sister was put into a coma.

            Plus, I would probably scare some people playing in the snow like a child. They wouldn't get it. They wouldn't get how badly I had needed the escape. No one would ever understand that. I walked back over to my bed and sat on it a few minutes, thinking. I needed to brush my teeth. Morning breath. Yuck.

            Okay, I need a little change, nothing big, but I need to listen to the radio. I need to hear something besides my thoughts and the people downstairs.

            Plus, it's not out of normal routine, when I don't have morning shift I normally do listen to the radio. I just haven't had the luxury of that lately. I flipped the radio on and turned it up. It was in the middle of a song. An English song.

All my faith is gone

you think I couldn't find it

Pieces falling down

shattered, nothing behind it

In my mind alone,

Lost here I'm separated

Crawl deeper in my hole

safe here from what I hated

All the demons in my head won't leave me

I know I can hear them

All the sacrifices made for nothing

Don't show can't believe it

Want to show you that I'm good for something

I can't you won't let me

All your artificial words won't heal me

Because you can't accept me

               In a way, that describes part of me. Very eerie. Maybe I don't want to listen to the radio.

Trust in me can't trust

I know, I don't believe it

All my life so scarred

what for, oh  you can't conceive it

Everything you fear

I'll be, you couldn't live it

I whisper in your ear

why can't you feel it

            I clicked it off after that. That was enough. For something to come that close to home.. that was just.. no more. I got up and went to the bathroom.

            Teeth. Face. Hair. Glance.

            Crawl deeper in my hole, safe here from what I hated.

            The lines kept popping back in my head. No more. I didn't want to remember right now. It's white, I have an escape. I do, don't I? I can do this by myself. I live in this darkness, it's nothing new.

            But yet, I start to wonder, am I wearing thin? Can I keep going on without help? There's no one to help me, so I must go on. I have no choice. An escape would just leave me more vulnerable for an attack. I don't need one. Just go on with your routine.

            I went and got dressed. Damn. I messed up already. Since when did I dress second? I looked back at the mirror and sighed. I need things to go normal again. Routine. I can do routine.

            I will not ask for help, I can't drag anyone that I care about down with me again. I can't get close. The darkness and routine is all I have, and it will stay like that. No matter what. Funny, how I long to get away from the darkness, but when an escape offers itself.. I retreat into the darkness.

            I walked downstairs, forgetting my coat. I opened the front door and realized this. I sighed. I walked back upstairs and grabbed the leather coat and put it on. No more mistakes. Everything from here on out will go routine!

            I opened the door and was welcomed with that snow-blinding white snow! I stepped outside and started on my walk, ignoring the whiteness around me. Escape will make me break, and I can't do my job broken. It just doesn't work.

            Even as I tried to convince myself, I knew I was falling apart. And all because I know there's an escape, but I won't take it. Silly to think that snow could help me? But there are wonderful memories of Aya and me with the snow. Memories that will bring me out of this. But if I come out, I won't be the same. I'm not innocent anymore. The snow won't be much help. Just the beginning. There will be nothing after that.

            Nothing. No help. No escape. I'll be at a loss, and I can't do that to myself. I may have the snow for a week, but when it left I would be a hollow shell. Worthless. No, I won't do it.

            I walked into the hospital and went to Aya's room, in routine mind you.

            I opened the door, losing my sense of quietness for once;  I knew it wouldn't do any good. I shut the door and sat down in my seat.

            "Imouto.." That's all I can choke out before I start crying. Not those girly tears our fan girls cry when we reject them. The kind that your face didn't turn red, not that mine ever does, and that gave you one hell of a headache.

            I don't know how long I cried, but I had overstayed my normal time. Nothing was going right today. Today could not be routine, I can't even place myself back on orbit. I can still make it to dinner on time. Things should go more smoothly after that.

            I got up and said farewell, then left quickly to go home. I went on, ignoring the world on my way back, not caring about anything but trying to make life routine.

            When I walked back into the house, everyone was dressed as if they were ready to go somewhere.

            "Ready for dinner Aya-kun?" Omi asked with his usual cheerful smile.

            I blinked. Maybe I did stay a little longer than usual.

            "We're going out, now come on, don't act stupid." Yohji.

            Just what I needed. I don't want to do anything but eat in this tiny little house and then go to my room and read. Damnit.

~*~*~*~*~

            We ended up at some American restaurant called Chile's. I only ate a salad, too thought-filled with things of the past and present.  

            The mindless chatter of the others was lost to me as I stared out the window at the snow.

            All I want is someone to help me. I pleaded and begged with my unyielding soul to let me break taboo just this once. All I wanted was just one time to pour out my thoughts and feelings.

            I wanted to feel loved again.

            I'm fucking falling apart like this.

            I gazed over at my teammates, catching brown eyes staring right at me. Ken does that a lot. I don't know why he looks at me with that… look. It's like he's hungry for something and only I can give it to him. It becomes unnerving. I throw on my death glare towards him and look back out the window.

            Yohji and Omi paused talking for the few seconds Ken and I held eyes. I think they're in on the little secret too. I'm left out of this one.

            Breaking the silence, "Are we ready to go?" Omi chirped in just at the right times before something exploded around here.

            There was a silent agreement that everyone was done and Yohji picked up the check to go pay.

            Ken left a tip and we headed out towards the car. I got in the front seat, there was more room for my legs that way. My shoulder still ached from the mission, and I didn't feel like being cramped. And I can't forget about that mission tonight. Sore and cramped, and a mission. Not a good mix.

            Yohji got in the front seat and started the car. First thing he did was find a good radio station. He stopped on some English station and started for home. The song that came on, hit home and I almost broke in the car. Enough experience kept it in check till I came home.

I just need this to be all right

I can't feel this another night

I can't take this I come unglued

I might break down in front of you

Necessary to medicate

I'm not sleeping, can't stay awake

Can't see through this

Too much pressure

Drowning in this

Too much pressure

If you need me, I'll need you

I'm unconscious, escape my plea

I can't take this

I come unglued

I might break down in front of you

Necessary to medicate

I'm not sleeping, can't stay awake

Can't see through this

Too much pressure

Drowning in this

Too much pressure

My head hurts this shit isn't getting me high

My chest is so tight, am I going to die?

My stomachs in knots as the world starts to spin

As I wait for this valium to slowly kick in..

 

Can't see through this

Too much pressure

Drowning in this

Too much pressure

Drowning in this

Too much pressure!