A/N: Okay big mistake in last A/N, this story will be finished before John goes to the dark side in X2. Awesome blossom. Oh crap, this story will be coming to an end soon. I'll be so depressed. ::sigh:: I swear it took everything in me to limit Drake's Draco-badboy-evilness. He was grabbing more than just hands before I changed my mind. Did you know there's a University in Iowa called Drake University! Also, I swear those were some really, really, really awesome writing-inspiring reviews. Thank you so freaking much! And looks like someone found the freaking lyric, Randi. Guess what, I started next chapter! ::squeals::
Warning: Like chapter 9, this chapter is a little emotionally unstable (still like Gene Forrester) and hardcore masochism.
Wednesday, 12 February 2003 – Tuesday, 25 February 2003
XV. Loathed
"I'll go downstairs and wait for you. Sam and Jubilee are downstairs, and I think Bobby is, like, down there, too, which means John is," Kitty lowered her voice to a whisper. "Did you, like, see Ben? I heard that Logan…"
She stopped, and I was pretty sure she had turned to look at me. I stayed motionless and kept my back towards her. I had not moved from my bed all morning, not even to change out of the outfit I had resigned to fall asleep in, and Kitty's gossip would not change that, though her presence had indubitably added to annoying atmosphere Tess had long ago created while primping herself to go downstairs. I did not know what they were going to do, probably just hang out, but she and the 'gang' were meeting downstairs, which was good because I wanted to have the room to myself while I lay in bed and sulked and occasionally reminded myself how much I hated Ben and wanted to kill myself.
"She's sleep. I don't know when she came in last night- probably really late- cause she's been, like, passed out. Probably messing around with Ben. He's totally turning her around for the worse. Yesterday, she, like, told me she likes the way he uses her, and then she told me to go to hell," Tess commented. I narrowed my eyes. Had she screwed up everything I had said? 'Like the way he used me'? I had not said that. Though Ben had definitely picked up the experimenting vibe last night. My fault for being naive, not truly knowing anything about what it was like to be used when I had said it. My screwed up version of being used, which in reality had been a relationship.
"Yeah, you, like, told me that yesterday," Kitty responded. Yeah, yesterday at dinner when she had told everyone else, too, I thought bitterly.
"So!" I heard someone, Kitty most likely, jump on Tess's bed. "What are you doing?"
"I might as well take a freakin' nap! You're taking forever!" Kitty exclaimed and added in a whisper. "As always."
"Why don't you go downstairs then!" Tess snapped flashing her temper.
"Watch it, girl! I don't have to take your yelling if I don't want to," Kitty retorted. "And don't think I won't because I will!"
"…What?" Tess asked. Could they not leave already, and what was taking Tess so long? Kitty had already been here for fifteen minutes, and according to her, everyone was waiting downstairs for them. I shifted onto my stomach, still facing the other way, wanting to push the covers down past my legs or maybe even off. Mostly I wanted to take a shower and change clothes. A weak attempt to wash Ben off my body and mind. Then, I did not know what I would do, but I definitely would not be leaving this room.
"Anyway before I was so rudely interrupted-"
"I didn't interrupt you. You stopped talking," Tess objected.
"Well, you just did it now! Anyway, I heard Logan like did something to Ben," My thoughts roamed back to last night when I had seen Logan stalk off down the hall. I wondered what had happened after I had receded to my room. I wondered if Ben did not want to come out his room either. I held in a sigh as I realized Logan would most definitely want to talk to me, and that he would probably come up here if I did not go down there.
"Who cares? Logan should have talked to Rogue about Ben a long time ago, but he's too worried about her and Scott to care, which was why I stepped in, and look where that got me," Tess stated. But of course, I would not find out from them if anything had happened. I was pretty sure that Scott was no longer on the top of Logan's hit list either from what I had found out yesterday.
"I wonder why Scott came back to eating with us?" Kitty pondered out loud. According to last night, it was the sudden calling from the teacher within because, Kitty, he did care for you.
"She probably ditched him," Tess answered. Yes, because in this conversation, I was the Ben-crazy, evil bitch who could be expected to do the worst.
"Well, I hope he doesn't get back with Jean now that Logan dumped her," she replied. "And I hope times two she's not the reason he's back!"
"Who cares? You think I have a chance with Logan now?" Tess asked, the hope in her voice exceedingly evident. Logan had broken up with Jean? Where did Kitty, Jubilee and Tess get their info? Was that why he had been in the hallway after everyone had gone to bed, because he had been just broken up with her? But that was not why Scott had gone back to the regular dinners was it? Had I been discarded? Probably. I almost could not believe it. It would not have been that hard of a decision for him either. Rogue or Jean? Right, I doubted I had even been in the mix, and why should I be when he had been with Jean longer than he had know me.
"No. Are you gonna wake Rogue up, so she can hang with us, too? Without Ben of course," Kitty questioned. Yeah right. I did not want to 'hang' with her or anybody right now regardless of whether Ben was there or not. What I did want was Tess to stop primping, take Kitty and leave.
"No," Tess answered simply. "She's probably gonna met up with him anyway. If you haven't noticed it's not Rogue anymore. It's Ben and Rogue. Plus, I don't wanna be around her." The feeling was mutual, I thought as I narrowed my eyes.
"You're around her now… you know, Jubilee says if that if they did it, it was yesterday before dinner or after they left the game room, and he did come to dinner late, and they did leave the game room together, so maybe they did, and maybe that's why she's so tired…." Kitty mentioned. I closed my eyes. There had been no sex. Only kissing. It was nothing. It was a mistake. And I found it extremely disturbing that Jubilee had been discussing when Ben and I could have had sex? Why would I have sex with him after one day anyway? I was not so desperate for touch as to throw myself at the first-- second boy who came around.
"Jubilee has got too much time on her hands, and who cares?" Tess answered. "Okay, let's go."
She was doing an awful lot of not caring for someone who could not mind her own business. I heard Kitty get off Tess's bed, and then I assumed that when the door opened it was the two of them leaving.
"So whatarewe-?"Kitty stopped talking, and it was silent for a second.
"Come on, let's go," I heard Tess say her voice reeking with disgust and irritation. "Probably already has the code anyway."
"You think so?" Kitty asked inquisitively. What the hell were they talking about? The door closed. Right, now all I had to do was will myself out of the bed… I managed to muster enough energy to turn my head the other way. Well, it was the first-. Ben was standing in front of the door.
"Hey," he said. How had he gotten into the room without my hearing him? Tess must have let him in, but why would she have done that? It was Ben, and she hated him. I tried to gather my composure and say something.
"How'd you get in here?" I asked, pushing myself up in my bed. He made his way from the door towards me, never breaking his stare. Why was he not answering me? I debated over whether or not to jump off the bed.
"I just want to talk… about last night," Ben announced at seeing my uneasiness. He came to the side of my bed. "What happened?"
What did he mean 'what happened'? He was there; he did 'what happened'! I glared up at him from my bed as he dropped to his knees. He looked troubled. Was he really that clueless? When he reached for me, I snatched my arm away.
"Get out," I answered. I did not want to talk, I did not want him to touch me, and I sure as hell I did not want him here, and this time I would make sure I got that across. He furrowed his eyebrows.
"What?" he asked. Was he hard of hearing? Why could he not just get the message, stop trying and leave me alone? I needed to be alone.
"Get out," I reiterated. I started to get out of the bed. Maybe open the door for him.
"Tell me what the fuck I did!" he demanded, grabbing my arm. I was too angry to be startled. I almost growled as I grabbed his arm and tried to rip it from mine. He only tightened his hold and seized my other arm, standing up as he did so. This would not resemble Bobby and my meeting yesterday. It would not.
"What's wrong with you?" he asked. "Marie, what happened last night?"
"Rogue! It's Rogue! Let me go, Ben! It's over! It was great while it lasted. You were great, but we were a mistake. One I wish I had never made, and it's over. I'm sorry, I shouldn't- I shouldn't have done that to you, but I did, and I said I'm sorry…. Ben, let me go!"
"You're breaking up with me? For what?!" Because we were not compatible, we were nothing alike, because he probably had no idea what I was like, because I did not care what he was like, because I had only been using him, and he me… because he was not John, and there was no way for me to get around that no matter how hard I had tried, because he was so great at-
"For being you!" I screamed, yanking my arms away, or rather having him release them. He had made this so much easier than it could have been. He had saved me a guilt trip, saved me from hating myself just by being himself. He stared at me disbelievingly, incredulously.
"Sorry," I uttered. And I was. I had been so selfish, so wrapped in my own problems, and I had candy coated what I was doing, and no matter how much I justified it, it had been wrong, vindictive and heartless. But there was nothing I could do about now. I could not change how I felt about him or John.
"M-Rogue," he started. When I moved toward him on the bed and pushed him backwards, he winced and grabbed my hands from his chest. I furrowed my eyebrows confused, and then I thought about last night. He did not try to stop me when I moved forward again, raising on my knees and reached for his shirt and pulled it up, exposing the bruises on his chest. Logan. He had not beat Ben up, but I was willing to bet Ben had been pushed-maybe thrown against a wall. I ran my fingers over the purple-bluish bruises, holding the shirt up with my other hand. Damn, Logan must have been fuming.
"I forgot my lipstick!" Tess pronounced as she burst into the room. I jerked my hands away from Ben's shirt hastily, and moved back from him. Tess rolled her eyes, snatched her lipstick off her bed and headed back for the door. Shit, I knew what she was thinking. What if she went downstairs and… told him. We had not been doing anything. I had only been looking at Ben's fucking bruises! I leaped off the bed and flew after Tess.
"Tess!" I called down the hallway. She ignored me and continued walking down the hall. I cursed under my breath as I ran and caught up with her, grabbing her shoulder and spinning her round. She looked angry, but I was not in the mood to deal with one of her scenes.
"Tess, nothing was happening. Nothing was happening. And last night-" I started. I prayed she would listen to me and not go downstairs and tell John what she thought she had seen.
"You were taking off his shirt! I think that's qualifies as something!" Tess exclaimed turning around. I grabbed her shoulder again and reiterated what I had said before.
"Shut up! I know what I fucking saw," she shoved my hand off her shoulder.
"Tess, don't go downstairs and tell everyone what you think happened," I started. Why did she have to choose now to be stubborn? Would she stop trying to fill in the blanks?
"Oh, I think I will, and I'm pretty sure Logan will be oh-so-happy to hear about it, too, as soon as he comes out of the danger room!" FUCK! She was really going to screw me over. "Oh yeah… go to hell."
She turned and continued down the hall towards the stairs. I stood in my spot shocked as hell to what had just happened. I knew if I pursued I would only make things worse, but shit, if she went downstairs now, she would ruin everything I could possible have with John! I willed my mouth shut only as Bobby came up the stairs, and I watched as Tess turned to look at me before she started talking to him. Was she-? My mouth dropped open again, as I realized she had already begun spreading the rumor. Oh shit, there was no way Johnny would not find out now.
Bobby looked up, and Tess walked past him and down the stairs. He stood staring at me, and I turned facing the wall, not wanting to deal with his smoldering stare. I did not want to go back to my room, and down stairs was out of the choice. I brought my hand up to my face, as I cursed once again under my breath. Why, why, WHY was this happening? I blinked back the tears, and clenched my jaw. They would have to wait until I got Ben out of my room to be shed. I dropped my hands, and Bobby walked around in front of me. I backed up, startled that I had not been able to hear him coming. Shit, I did not want to be bothered by him right now! I did not want any of this right now.
"So you lasted a day, too, huh?" he stated. My eyes narrowed in disgusted shock. I wanted to slug him so freaking hard right now. "So I guess I was wrong, you're not a slut… you're a whore. You meet a guy at the mall, lure him here, and then sleep with him the next day. That's worse than Tess."
"Shut the fuck UP!" I demanded. I would not let him do this. I would not let him affront me or even Tess like that, in spite of all the shit she was about to cause for me.
"Why don't you make me? I still don't understand what he did to get you to sleep with him. I mean come on Rogue, you've had to notice that I've been trying at this for a while-for months! And you stayed as prude as ever, but then some guy comes along from the mall, and you put out a day later. What the fuck did he do?" I turned and started back down the hall, trying harder than ever to will my tears back, and to keep myself from turning around and striking Bobby.
"Come on, Rogue. Why don't you share some of this new you?" He grabbed my hand and twisted me around, and leaned forward - to what seemed to me - to kiss me. He wanted me to share a piece of myself? Fine, then I would share; I would share my fucking knuckles with him! I shoved him away and yanked my hand back, before I threw it forward in a punch to his stomach. Maybe, I should have directed it to his face. No, I thought as I watched him wrench over pain, it was just fine, and saved me from any broken fingers. I turned back around and walked to my room.
"You fucking bitch!" he yelled to my back, voice still soaking with pain.
I ignored his weak cry for attention, ignored my want to scream, 'Your mom!' and stopped in front of Ben who had walked to the doorway. Oh crap. Ben. Would I still have to deal with him? He stared down at me, and I meet his gaze, staring back. He steadily perused my face, and I wondered what he was he thinking and if he would say it. He stepped aside to let me in my room. I guessed it was over then. Finally finished. He got it. I entered my room and turned to watch him exit into the hallway.
"Bobby, I think we need to talk about the words I just heard coming out of your mouth," he stated as he stepped into the hallway. I felt a sudden deluge of unmistakable guilt and gratefulness inundate over me. He was still going to defend me after what I had done? It was more than I deserved. Damn it, just what I needed- to be made to feel even shittier by Ben's change of character. I closed the door, as I finally left the tears spill out.
I ran toward my bed, turning and dropping onto my knees before the nightstand, and ripped the bottom drawer open savagely, yanking my razor out. I could not do this anymore! I could not shun my razor any longer. I had been stupid to believe I could replace it with Ben, and now here I was again ready to surrender to it. My 'counselor' was back, and we had a few sessions to catch up on.
I rose off the ground, tossing my razor on my bed, before I stripped down to my underwear and undershirt. I would be going full body again. I sat down on my bed and started removing each bandage I had placed over my cuts. How long had I lasted? Three days? And every moment had felt like famine. I unwrapped my arms and tossed the bandage to the floor. It had needed to be changed a day ago, but I had taken neither the time nor effort to do so. I yanked a bandage off my calf, my thigh, and then my undershirt to go at this topless, the shirt would only cause me more trouble, before I yanked more bandages from my side, my stomach, my calf again, my side nearing my back before I moved towards the center of my bed and picked my razor up again. Ben would have loved to see me like this, no doubt.
I sliced at my arms first. Viscously giving them all my self-disgust. I despised myself for all I had done. For everything I had put John, Ben, Tess, Logan, Scott and myself through. For all this shit that had happened for my not thinking, for my not caring. And I let the sobs out, making it the first time I had cried, not counting last night, in months, but was letting out more than tears. I slashed deeper, harder over the older cuts, ripping the sore, unhealed skin apart again and unleashing the blood. I slashed at my thighs, my calf. Hard, deep, angry slices and stabs. My stomach. I did not care if I slashed too deep; my razor was too short to hit anything. I cut across and down and up, stopping at my breast. I went back to my arms hoping maybe that if I cut deep enough, I would strike upon a well of satisfaction, some justification. Something and anything to make me feel better. I paused and shakily brought the razor to my neck, and made a shallow slice across my lower throat. Deep enough to start to bleed, too shallow to gush. For the first time in doing this, I wanted to die. I half-heartedly wanted to not wake up when I was done. Another sob wracked my body, and I went about gashing at the old cuts and scars, making new ones on my legs.
When had I changed to the person I was now? When I had run away, on top of the statue and when Logan had left? I had not the slightest idea; I could not remember when it had started. And I slashed at my calves in bitterness of my not knowing. My stomach again, and I was thinking maybe I had covered too much area in too little time. My side, chest, shoulder, what I could reach of my back, slashing and gashing wildly at whatever piece of skin I could get to. I had to get this feeling out of my body. I had to go back to the first me: the innocent girl who would never dream of doing this to her body. And finally I returned to my arms before I felt a sickening wave of vertigo deluged through me. I slowed down trying- waiting for it to pass before I reached over the side of my bed and grabbed my undershirt. If Tess was to burst in again with anybody, I would not want them to see more of me than they needed to. I collapsed onto my back, not able to sit up any longer, but I was in no way handicap from using my razor. I continued to hack away ruthlessly at my body until my arm drop to my side in fatigue and from blood loss, and I could no longer see straight. My sight blurred from tears and dizziness. I rolled finally over onto my stomach, completely surrounded in my own blood on my bed, still gripping my razor tightly. I was no longer able to keep my eyelids open, and I resigned to letting them close tiredly.
I lay calmly in my bed, thinking I would get up in any second to clean up, but knowing in the back of my head, I had just dug the last foot of my grave, and thrown myself in. Tess would find me, or someone would before I would have a chance to rid of all evidence of what I had been doing, and I would be caught, and this would have been the last time I ever released myself through my razor. The last time I would ever use my counselor, the last time I would ever be completely satisfied. I was starting to drift into a deep sleep or maybe out of consciousness when I thought I heard a voice. It sounded like Logan. No, he was in the danger room. It was nothing. Stuff like that happened after I cut, I thought as I dropped into my black abyss.
Logan ambled down the hall through the students scattered around. Having left the showers and deciding he would finally talk to Rogue, he made his way toward the stairs. He would have to take a chance at having the conversation go like their last, but that would not stop him. Particularly, after the encounter he had had last night after breaking up with Jean. A scowl crossed his face as remember the smell that had reeked off both Rogue and Ben. The smell of smell Ben's semen, his lust, his marking of her that he had managed to catch hold of under all the trepidation, fear and anxiousness that had been radiating off her body as she ran past him. The same smell coming off Ben that had almost made Logan kill him last night.
He spotted Tess coming down the hall toward him. She looked determined, and as she neared him, he could sense her anger.
"Logan," she started when she had come to stand in front of him. "Look, you really, need to talk to Rogue. She and Ben were like going at it like rabbits in her bed, and she's just totally gone bad."
"What? Going at it?" he started. What the fuck did that mean? Ben was in Rogue's bed after their little talk last night? Did the have a death wish? Tess nodded matter-of-factly. From her lack of detail, she obviously wanted him to see this for himself. He walked past her, mumbling out a 'talk to you later, kid' before heading up the stairs, two at a time.
When he reached the top, not only did he see Ben, but Bobby was present, too, and it looked like the two of them were fighting. As he neared them, he dodged last minute as a sharp spike of ice flew past him. What the hell were they thinking using their powers ruthlessly inside the mansion?
"Would you like to explain what the fuck you're doing?" he stated as he came upon them. Another spike of ice flew past him before the two broke apart immediately at hearing his voice.
"Nothing, sir," Bobby stated. "Playing-er-joking around." It looked like he would have a couple more bruises to accompany those two black eyes. Ben was holding an already melting chunk of ice in his hand. He shot Ben a gut-wrenching glare before he threatened them with expulsion and told them to go outside if they wanted to play.
"Right, like I give a fuck," Ben answered throwing the ice at Bobby and walking past him down the hallway towards his room tossing a grave glance at Rogue's door. Bobby turned to watch before he made his way, walking against the wall to evade Logan. Logan watched as Ben walked into his room, slamming the door, and then as Bobby disappeared limping slightly down the stairs. He had a feeling that that fight might have had something to do with Rogue.
He walked to her room and knocked on her door, called out her name, told her it was he, Logan. He did not hear any movement coming from inside her room, but he was starting to catch a smell. A memorable smell he hoped as hell he was imagining. The same one he thought he had smelt on Rogue long ago was seeping out of her room. Refraining from banging the door down, he punched in the emergency code and burst into her room. There she was… on her bed covered in blood and dressed in a blood soaked undershirt and her underwear. Her pants and shirt were scattered on the floor near her bed along with a couple of blood stained bandages.
"Marie!" he yelled. He could still see her breathing, and ran over to her as quick as Kurt to the toilet after eating one of Kitty's muffins and turned her over onto her back. She rolled almost lifelessly onto her back, and he could she now the deep incisions on what looked like most her body. There among her body, wounds covered her legs. He raised her shirt up quickly spotting the wounds that covered her stomach, stretching upwards onto her chest, fuck one shallow slice that crossed her lower neck, and her arms... They looked skinless, he was not sure if there was any unshredded skin on them.
What the fuck had happened here! There were no new scents present, except Ben's (and he would worry about that later), but her blood was too fresh to consider him. Grateful he had decided to wear his gloves for her, he slid his arms under her body, and scooped her up. Shit, he had to get her down to the sublevels now! He exited the room and turned, deciding that it would be better if he took the backstairs. It would be quicker, having less turns, and few or no students. He only hoped there were not any kids lingering around to see this. He knew it would scare the shit out of them to see a fellow student like this. Half naked, skin that looked as if someone had been carving into it, and covered in blood and still bleeding, leaving a trail of blood behind them. Shit! She had better make it through this. He needed her to make it through this. He had finally decided to talk to her after last night, and, damn it, he did not want it to be too late. He wondered how much blood she lost, and mentally started calling out for Jean and the Professor to meet him in the med lab as he sped out her room into the hallway. When he heard the Professor and Jean in his mind asking what was wrong, he sent them the image, and told them he knew just as much as they did.
He kicked the elevator button, as he came upon it, not caring if he had crushed it or not. Damnit, what was taking this damned thing so long! Finally, it opened and he walked in, the door closing behind. He lowered onto a knee as the door shut completely, resting her on his leg, and supporting her back with and arm, the other reaching across her chest to hold her head up.
"Come on, Marie," he murmured. She was not showing any signs of being conscious. Damnit how much blood had she lost? He lowered his head to try to hear her heartbeat over the one thrashing in his chest. It was nowhere near as strong as it should be.
Something shiny caught his sight, and when he looked down onto the floor he saw a razor soaked in Marie's blood. It looked like it might have fallen from her hand. Had she done this purposely? Why? What would drive her to do this to herself? He cursed under his breath as he realized that this was his fucking fault; he had not been there for her to keep her from going to a piece of metal for release. He readjusted her in his arms and stood up as the door opened and took her down the hall hurriedly to the med lab. It was fucking empty! He placed her on one of the tables. What the hell was he supposed to do now? He could not just stand here and watch her bleed to death! Especially, when he was not even sure she could make it through the wait. Fuck this! He snapped, ripped off both his gloves, and raised his hands to hover above her face. That had not been a tremble had it? No, he did not fucking tremble. What the hell was he waiting for then? He had to do this. He brought his hands down to the side of her face waiting. He hoped her mutation was not turned off or whatever it could be. Shit, this had to work, this was- he felt the sudden pull whip through him like inferno melting every one of his vessels, like there was a glacial wind slashing at each and every nerve in his body. He could hear Jean yelling, but his vision had already reduced anything more than five feet away to black blur. His knees buckled and he managed to see Marie's eyes open as she gasped as if breathing for the first time, before everything was encompassed by black, before the monotonous beep took over and he dropped into a black abyss, landing on the floor.
XV. Loathed