Author's note: Okay, I listened to Christy S and read the novelization of X2 yesterday (04.05), and it was an awesome book/movie.
Feel free to IM me. I love talking to other writers and X-Men fans. My AOL/AIM screen name is 'Sindarin Legolas'. My MSN Passport is 'ebony@linkinpark.com'. I'm thinking next story Drake won't be so bad, probably not at all, same for Jean. That is if I can somehow find a plot opening in X2 to write about John or Rogue or Scott. ::sighs:: suggestions anytime of the year, month, week… day. This chapter is short, but to the point. Thanks Mystery girl for asking to archive. Glad to know there will finally be a RYRO site out there! www . geocities. Com/ likeabadstar23/. Please review, and thanks to those who did. Swifty1125, believe me I so thought about it. TIME FOR SOME RYRO ACTION!!!
Friday, 28 March 2003 (Friday, 04 April 2003)
XVIII. Johnny II
He stared back at me blankly. Terror ran through me as he stood there, hand still on the doorknob, eyes scrutinizing me, but still not responding. I felt he was going to start laughing or throw me out in any second. I swallowed just as he removed his hand from the doorknob, wetting his lips with his tongue. He looked as if he wanted to say something as he lifted his eyes to mine and parted his lips only to close them again.
You're going to have to give him more ground than that, I was too encased in trepidation to recognize who had said it, too anxious to care, but I wished whoever had said it, had given me an example of what to say, a little help maybe. I was going to have to take this on by myself. Tell him what he needed to hear, what I needed to say by myself. Right. So why could I not say it, or even think of what it was that needed to be said?
Just take it slow, Marie. Calm down and don't rush it, Logan advised. Right, right, calm down. I was always getting worked up and freaked out about everything. I could not rush this; I could expect this to happen in a second or two. I needed to take this slowly and make sure I got it right because I knew how much this meant to me now—being with Johnny.
Thanks, I replied. Take my time and not screw this up. I should just take a deep breath or something, but fear held me back from even doing that. What if I did something stupid like hiccup or choke on the air?
We'd try not to laugh, Johnny answered. I could sense the jocularity from him and even Logan, ignored them both and decided to just go with it. I lifted my eyes to his and saw the mirror of my uncertainty in them.
"I … didn't…." this was already hard as hell, and I had barely said anything yet. I tried searching through my head, wanting to find something to say. What was I supposed to say to him? How should I start? Should I be blunt? "I'm so sorry for–for Thursday, for choosing Ben. I don't know why I told you no…. I didn't realize-I'm sorry. I was an idiot." Shit. This was not coming out the way I had wanted it to. I sounded like an idiot. I was stuttering on ever word that came out of my mouth, talking in phrases and none of it was making sense. Had I even been comprehensible? Had I said everything I needed to say? This was not how it was supposed to come out. It was supposed to have been articulate and better. I could feel my throat clamming up, and it felt like Thursday morning all over again. I tried opening my mouth to say something that would compensate for my rambling and stuttering only to find that I had no words to do so and closed my mouth again from fear of having the trepidation that sheathed me crawl into my body through it. Damnit, where was this going?
"…Happens to the best of us," he answered so low I could barely hear him. "Making mistakes, I mean." I swallowed again not knowing if I should be jubilant at hearing that or despondent. Was this his way of saying that it was okay and that he understood or that I should get over it and accept my losses? I looked to him for the elucidation, trying to read his body language as an alternative, my anxiousness evident. The beginnings of a grin showed on his face as he relaxed slightly, maybe sensing my uncertainty, and I still was not sure how I should feel. "… It's not something I'd hold against you." I could feel my hopes taking off. Please, please, let them not have to crash, I thought pleadingly. Then he added, his tone testing. "It's something I might even be willing to forget."
He wants confirmation, baby, Logan announced.
Let me know you want more than a friendship, Johnny instructed. Confirmation for what I wanted, of course. He was not sure what I was here for, so if he needed blunt then that was what I would give him.
"I want you, Johnny … not Ben," I responded readily, unconsciously taking a step towards him. I wanted so much for this to be Wednesday night again. To have another chance. I wanted to be in his arms again. I stopped abruptly realizing the ball was no longer in my court. It was not my turn to choose anymore. It was his. His grin grew wider, and he took the initiative and stepped towards me. That was all I needed, and I met him halfway hastily wrapping my arms around his back tightly as he pulled me into his arms, embracing and holding me with acceptance. I swallowed back a sob and tried forcing the tears away as I laid my head on his chest, and he rested his head on mine. It was Wednesday night all over again, but this time I would not be pulling away.
"I'm sorry," I mumbled again from his shoulder. He nodded quietly hushing me, and I closed my eyes not wanting the tears to be absorbed by his shirt as I tightened my grasp on him almost pleadingly.
"It's fine," he told me rising his head from mine. I brought a hand from his back and used it to wipe the tears from my face before I turned and slowly raised my head to meet his intense gaze. He promptly unwrapped his arms from around me, bringing them to my shoulders and narrowed his eyes at seeing the tears in my eyes. He asked if I was okay, and I nodded, looking away to conceal my disappointment from his breaking our embrace and answering that I was fine. I apologized as I sniffed one last time, knowing it must have seemed as if there was something wrong with me for crying.
"Stop apologizing," he answered as I raised my eyes back to his again. He brought his arms from my shoulders back to around me, inspecting my face once again for tears. I returned his stare, gazing back into his eyes for what seemed like forever, and I knew I was not afraid anymore of what they held for me. I knew that I wanted what he had to offer to me, what we could have. My eyes faltered and lowered to his lips for a moment, and as I brought them back to his, he leaned forward, and I did the same wanting now more than ever to feel him as mine; I closed my eyes as I felt his breath brush against my face, our noses centimeters from touching. I wanted him for myself.
What are you doing, Marie? Logan asked. My eyes flew open abruptly as I recalled that I could not kiss him now and probably could not for a while. And as I acknowledged how close I had come to actually kissing him, our mouths no more than three inches apart, a small gasp of surprise escaped my mouth at how hastily I had forgotten that I was again untouchable.
"John," I called out stopping him, too, "I can't."
I lowered my head back onto his chest again closing my eyes, trying to avoid viewing the rejected look on his face and making sure not to loosen my grip on him and explained in a despondent whisper, "It's not because I don't want to... It's just-because of earlier. " He sighed and pressed his face into my hair, and I could feel his breath warm as it flowed down my neck, sending a shiver down my back.
"Do you… wanna talk about it?" he asked, his voice vibrating soothingly through his chest against my head and feeling somehow familiar, or at least I wanted it to become so. Did I want to talk about it? Finally talk and tell him everything about my cutting, why I turned him down on Thursday, about Ben and Bobby? I really wanted him to know, and I wanted to tell him, but I did not want him to let me go; I was not ready to unwrap my arms from around him, to release him yet.
We're going to have to do it sooner or later, Johnny responded. And sooner was always better than later. I lifted my head from his chest and nodded listlessly. He sighed again as he gradually loosened his arms from around me, staring down into my eyes the entire time. I looked down to his shirt trying not to show my embarrassed, yet pleased countenance at how similar his reaction to letting me go had been to mine.
"So what happened?" he asked, after I had seated myself on his bed, and he had sat down into the chair he had pulled in front of me. I looked to him, missing his touch already, to see that he was watching me the very same way Logan had been earlier during our talk—with the same curious, concerned expression in his eyes and manner. I guess I was in for a second round of therapy. But this time I would be disclosing more, actually telling him about Bobby and Ben and Tess everything I had not exactly wanted to tell Logan all at once.
Just think of me as the replacement for your razor, Johnny commented. I agreed silently, knowing that that was what I wanted, and started again from the beginning.
XVIII. Johnny II