A/N: Thanks everyone who reviewed, helped or influenced me. There are so many names/pennames. Thanks everyone. Finally, it's over.
Tuesday, 22 April 2003 – Saturday, 26 April 2003
Epilogue.
*One month later*
"Thank you, Professor," I replied forcing most of the excitement from of my voice, instead choosing to remain as stoic as I could as I stood up. This had happened before; I had experience this exact event once before, so I could and would treat this as if it were any other normal episode happening because more devastating and exhilarant things had occurred in the course of my sixteen years.
Yeah. Me. Johnny stated factually. He had no idea how much truth his words held because despite what he thought, having him in my head twenty four-seven was not always exactly the privilege he claimed it was. What's that supposed to mean?
But in spite of my will, the exhilaration was all but leaking off my body language as I almost toppled my chair over, forgetting to step aside before I backed away from his desk. I grabbed the back hurriedly trying to stop its fall, caught it halfway to the ground and proceeded to tilt it back up. There went all proof that I was not an idiot.
A little spastic are we, Marie? Logan asked. A little clumsy, maybe. Spastic, no. And my manner was only so because I had not been expecting this now, not for a while really, but maybe because it had happened before my mind had never totally forgotten it, making it easier to accomplish again.
A little smart-ass are we, Logan? I retorted, smiling outwardly enjoying one of the advantages to having him in my head—getting away with saying things like that and not having to deal with the consequences I would have with the real Logan.
I apologized to the professor, and he raised an eyebrow, surely amused, in response. I let out a frustrated breath and decided that I needed to chill out, and regain my composure. But, damn, I was excited. The professor smiled.
"Surely it can't be that bad, Rogue," he stated a hint of levity in his voice. I froze and stared at him impassively.
He has no idea, Logan commented, Johnny agreeing. No, it was not that bad. Not when I had a goal to achieve. I knew that they had to be saying that only because they were trapped inside my head.
"No, that's not-" I started. I had not meant to insult him. He smiled knowingly.
"I know, Rogue. I'll see you next week," I nodded and left the room, closing the door behind me. At least Logan and Johnny would appreciate that we were back on a once-a-week schedule. I knew specifically what I needed to do next, specifically what I wanted to do. As soon as I had slipped the door into place, I let the grin cover my face and headed promptly for the second floor. This was what I had been waiting for, for so long now. This was what I had gone to the Professor for everyday. For just this. Finally, I thought as I raced up the stairs. Yeah, I had some news to spread. Some very good news just for Johnny.
Yeah, I know I'm going to like this surprise. Make it good, Johnny commented in good humor similar to mine. Of course, I would make this good—for both of us. How could I dare not to? I was sure this would be just as gratifying to him as it was to me. And if it was not, I would make it so. I pulled my gloves off and shoved them in my back pants pocket as I sped up the stairs, taking them two at a time, still grinning. Yeah, I would make this really enjoyable. All my efforts to remain as stoic as possible had long ago fled my mind and even more so as I rushed down the hall and stopped in front of his door feeling ecstatic, proud and fretful all at once. All three emotions overwhelmingly controlling my thoughts—suffocating almost, but bearable just the same. I let out an anxious breath, knocked and bit my bottom lip before bursting out in a grin again as I waited. My mind went through a thousand scenarios of what I was going to say, how I could tell him and how he would react.
I'm not really the type to jump around like that, babe, Johnny mentioned after tapping into one of the scenarios.
I'd hope not, Logan responded. I rolled my eyes, still waiting for the door to open. Was he even in his room; he had said he would be here after my meeting with the Professor. He had always been there to let me fall asleep next to him after I came back exhausted. Why was he not opening the door?
Don't get stressed out because he didn't open the door before you knocked, Marie, Logan warned. Well, maybe he should have. Was it that much to ask for? The door opened just then, and John looked out from around it.
"Hey," I greeted smiling immediately, the ecstasy refilling in me. He grinned back, told me to hang on, and opened the door a second later, one hand holding the door open, the other clutching the towel wrapped around his waist. It was then that I noticed that that was all he was wearing, his hair was wet and that he must have gotten out of the shower not to long ago.
"Oh," I gasped at seeing him so close to being naked. He practically was naked and only one snatch away from being so. My head tilted slightly. If only I had punched in the code instead of knocking… I shook that thought from my mind.
Don't act like you don't want me, Johnny responded.
Shut up. I responded. If Logan had disapproved of our hanging out in our pajamas and our 'sleepovers', I could only wonder to what extent he disagreed with this—John clad in only a towel, and my wishing he was not.
"What?" He asked, confusion in his voice. I dragged my eyes from the towel to his face, spotting the grin there and shook my head. Then I remembered why I was here and walked in, letting him close the door behind me, and then smiling, raised my hands up showing their bareness to him. He walked around me away from the door and looked mystified as he stared at my hands while tightening his towel. Once again, I had to pry my eyes from the towel. He looked at me questioningly.
"Come on, Johnny, guess," I said impatiently anxious when he did not say anything.
"Did you lose your gloves?" He turned around and looked around the room, and I watched him. Was it me or was the air getting thinner in here? I ogled his beautiful shoulders, his beautiful back, his beautiful... "Maybe you left them here."
Here's your chance to snatch that towel from around my waist, Roguey, Johnny announced. I really don't think I'll mind.
Don't even try, Logan demanded. I disregarded them both. Okay, so maybe John was not catching on to the not so best of clues.
"No, they're in my back pocket," I told him losing patience by the second. I mean that could only mean one thing! I stepped forward dropping my arms as he turned around.
"Don't understand," he stated. Fine, so maybe I would have to show him. I could do that. I could enjoy that. I reached out quickly deciding how I would do this, and he stared uncomprehendingly at my hand not moving, not even flinching as I laid it on his shoulder. That alone made me smile. His composure, his trust when it came to my touching him. Like he had not one misgiving about what would happen. I raised my other hand before he could say anything and pulled his head to mine connecting his lips with mine in a kiss. He was unresponsive for a second, shocked, stunned, puzzled maybe. And then, finally registering that my mutation was not kicking in, he relaxed, reacted and kissed me back. I opened my mouth, letting him slip his tongue inside. Oh yeah, this was what I had been waiting so long for. For the feeling I had underwent back on the couch the first time this had happened. His skin against mine, his lips against mine.
I all but melted as I felt him slip an arm around my back pulling me towards him, bringing us closer. The sensation of his mouth against mine was a feeling I wanted to savor, something I wanted to last. He started to pull away, and I tightened my grip on his shoulder before I reluctantly let him.
"This is what you wanted to tell me, right?" he asked. I nodded, and he leaned in bringing his face to the side of mine. His breath flowed against my ear, and he disclosed softly, "It's exactly what I wanted to hear."
I smiled, more pleased now than I had been when I had finally regained control, and slid my arm down from his shoulder to his chest, the bare skin sliding welcomingly underneath my fingers. I trailed my hand over the side of his shoulder and left it there. "It's exactly what I wanted to say, " I replied before turning to recapture his lips with mine once again in a kiss where the feeling engulfed me. His hand was clasped high above my waist, and I couldn't help but realize that he had just left the towel unsupported. I moved involuntarily, my leg pressing hard grinding between his.
Whoa, Roguey! A little anxious are we! Johnny exclaimed. It was an accident. It had been completely uncontrolled. Yeah, and you're going to say I did it next, right?
Marie, Logan growled warningly. The growl reverberated in my throat, and I felt in effect John's hand move away followed by his entire body. My eyes flew opened in panic, and I saw that not only was he holding his towel again, but the expression on his face was one of wonder and surprise. I averted my eyes from his face and wetted my lips nervously, tasting him on my lips with my tongue.
"Logan," I explained—his name coming out in a not so pleasant tone. I looked up, and he smiled with comprehension. He understood how he and Logan were rooted in my head, how they were apart of me and would continue to be even if I allowed them to fade out. They were imprinted.
"Let me guess. He didn't like that?" Johnny asked. Exactly.
Smart kid, Logan commented, his tone still menacing. It would be impossible to do anything with Logan basically supervising and constantly interrupting us.
Yes, I am, John answered.
"No. He didn't," I answered.
Logan, you ruined the freaking mood, I told him when the silence ensued and issued a moment of awkwardness.
Good, he answered. Jerk. Glancing up again, I stared at Johnny as he glanced around the room. For his clothes maybe. Maybe I should take Inner-Johnny's advice and snatch that towel. I was sure whatever happened after that would be better than what this moment had transcended into.
"I need to use the restroom," I told him. He nodded and said okay, and I headed to the bathroom door, watching him turn and walk slowly to his bed and drop down onto it, the towel still clutched in his hand, and I wished he would just let go. How he had managed to keep it on during the previous episode was a mystery to me. His mind had to have obviously been on other things than his towel. Well, I guess mine had not been. Maybe I was just speaking for myself. I entered the bathroom and hoped that when returned that hopefully I would interrupt something…
Is that code for 'be naked when I come back out', Johnny asked.
Uh huh. If you want it to be, I answered. I did not really have to use the restroom. I had only wanted out after Logan had screwed everything up. A little time to figure out what I wanted to happen when I went back out there.
I glanced at myself in the mirror, taking in the way I looked. My hair looked fine, my clothes, too. So much different from that night with Ben outside the library, except one thing alike—I felt flustered all the same, even more now, but this time it was stimulating in the best way ever. It was Johnny.
I still needed to give him a little more time to dress, so I would entertain myself. As I looked around the bathroom, I saw out of the corner of my eye something gleam in the light. I turned, removing my hands from the counter, to find myself staring at John's shaving razor lying on the counter. My mind flashed back to my razor. I had not used, nonetheless, seen my razor in over a month. My eyes narrowed at the memories of everything that had happened on and since that Sunday. It had been more than a strain to not try to find a replacement ever since then. Even though I knew it would be impossible to use if I did. It had been anything but fun to have Logan take over my body when I had come to the decision to try and do so, and it had been more than shaming to have to feel Logan and John's disappointment when it had come to that. I stared at it lying there remembering all the crap I had been through and realized I was being tempted to take it apart, take one of the small razors for a temporary replacement and make up for the lost time.
Neither Logan nor John was talking. I had expected something from Logan, some opposition, some reasoning at least at my even evoking my razor. He knew I had more control now, too. If I wanted I could pick up that razor and leave with it, and Logan could do nothing more now than reside in my head and try to stop me through his words. He and Johnny both could do nothing but be disappointed. I had been clean for a month, and that could all end now.
And I wanted to take that razor. I wanted to walk out of this bathroom, with it clutched in my hand, back into his room, give him an excuse and a kiss and then leave. Go to my room, take it apart, tell myself this would be the last and only time I would do this and then play with my new replacement. But I knew Logan would indubitably find out—I was in the brunt of his perusal, he was my shadow. I knew that it would damage our relationship and hurt him. I knew it would hurt John and damage our relationship, too. And I knew I did not want any of that, but I also knew I was still weak and that temptation was still strong. And I sighed because I knew all these things, but I still wanted to do it. It would be pointless to take it and use it, that I would only be pressing the restart button on this cycle of hell.
I stared all the time contemplating what to do. I needed to decide now whether I was going to look away or pick it up and sheath it somewhere enigmatic from view. One small decision that had me feeling like I had the weight of the world on my back, and I had to make it. And I verily and desperately wanted Logan to take over my body again or John to miraculously burst through the door and make the decision for me.
No, I had to do this myself, I thought. I had to choose to save or perpetually ruin my life myself. I could do this by myself. And as I eyed the razor studying it, I recalled the rush, the relief, the outlet, the pleasure… and the guilt, the resentment, the destruction, the abyss the small piece of metal had given me, I knew what I was going to do, and a faint smile played on my lips…
Epilogue.