Chapter 8
In which we return to the dimension of Clubs
The People Who Have Died But Aren't Really Dead Club!!!!
Lanfear: So, how did you die?
Nearly-Headless Nick: Oh yes, I was fighting Sir Robin on a sunny day, and he got me 41 times with a blunt axe. It was a rather. . . interesting experience.
Lanfear: Hmmm. . . Mind if I tell your story to one of my colleagues? She would find it fascinating.
Moraine: You don't mean Semirhage, do you?!
Lanfear: . . . *cough cough* . . .
Suddenly, there is a large *POOF!*
Lanfear: Hey Elvis, I think you've got a new recruit.
Obi-Wan Kenobi: Use the Force, Luke! Use the-- What the--
Elvis: Welcome to the People Who Have Died But Aren't Really Dead Club!
Obi-Wan: But I'm not dead!
Elvis: That's the point.
Old Man: I'm not dead!!
Everyone: We know that already!!!!!
Old Man: I think I'll go for a walk!!
Black Knight: Come back here, you yellow bastard!
Old Man: I feel happeeeeeee!!!
Samara: Your seven days are up!
Elvis: Samara, how many times have I told you not to kill the club members? We're few enough as it is!
Samara: I don't mean to hurt them. I just can't help it!
Black Knight: Victory is mine!
* * *
The Anger Management Club!!!!
Images of Los Pollos Desnudos and crickets can be found all around the room on pots, mirrors, and other easily broken items.
Gimli: $@#% BUG!!!
*smash*
Sr. Davis, whose veins are popping out of his forehead: Lazy A students who put me here with this crazy dwarf that threatens to kill my walking sticks!!!!!
*smash*
Gimli: Hey, who you calling crazy?!!
Sr. Davis: AAAAHH!!
*crush* *smash* *jab* *screech*
Suddenly, Los Pollos Desnudos begin the new school year, and Sr. Davis is no longer in our story. . . because. . . we said so!!
*poof.* Sr. Davis is gone.
Gimli: Hey, where'd the #$^%&%^ &@*%@$% go?!! Let me outta here too!!!
LPD #4: Watch your language, and maybe we'll consider your offer!
LPD #3: No! NEVER!! His crime was far too great to amend!!!
LPD #1: But he has to go with the Fellowship!
LPD #3: No he doesn't! We can replace him!!!
LPD #2: But with who?
*silence*
*bzzt bz- squash!
Gimli: %$#@ bug.
LPD #3: See, I told you!! He's too dangerous!!!
LPD #4: Fine, but who do we send in his place?
*silence*
*silence silence*
LPDs: CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW!!!!!!!!!!
LPD #1: That's the best idea ever!
LPD #4: Well, except for this great one coming up. . .
LPD #3: Shh! You're ruining the plot!!
LPD #2: What plot?
LPD #3: Good point.
And so, Captain Jack joins the Fellowship of the Ring and Gimli is left in the tiny room to smash bugs for all eternity.
* * *
The Traitors Anonymous Club!!!!
Jeckyl: Come in, fellow enemies.
A bunch of people with brown paper lunch bags (not magical) and 'fake' IDs walk in and take their seats.
Jeckyl: Now, who has recently betrayed?
'Jennifer': I stole Lori's cheetos!
*silence*
'Lori': Why you little. . .
'Jennifer': Eeek!
Jeckyl: You've passed the test. Welcome to the club, 'Jennifer'. Now let's see who's here. . . Smeagol! Welcome back! Who have you been betraying recently?
Gollum: Master betrayed us!
Jeckyl: Well, yeah, but who did you betray?
Gollum: My preciouss. . .
Jeckyl: Precious? Does this mean what I think it does?
*silence*
*click click*
All: GOLLUM HAS A LOVER!!!!!
Smeagol: Actually, Smeagol has many lovers. . .
*Author's note: We were going to hook our favorite overgrown naked mole rat up with Britney Spears, but we figured she'd be too weird- even for Gollum. So now we've had writer's block for the past three months and have had to resort to discussing politics at lunchtime. And so, in a last desperate attempt to find a plot, we consult. . .
The Magical Brown Paper Lunch Bag of Ideas!!!!
Random idea consists of two words: Michael Jackson.
Xena: Hey, aren't you supposed to be in Hades?
Michael Jackson: I AM Hades!
Xena: What? But how-
MJ: Plastic surgery. Works for everything.
Asmodean: That explains a lot.
Darth Vader: I need to get me a face lift!
Suddenly, the sound of a door being bashed down by two hobbits is heard.
Jeckyl: Hey, we're on a budget here! You can't just go bashing things over all the time!
*transformation occurs*
Hyde: Oh yes we can!
Smee: What?! He just betrayed himself!
Benedict Arnold: Strange. So that's how he got elected leader.
Hobbits: *ahem*
Peasant: We have a leader? I thought we were an autonomous collective!
Wormtongue: You're fooling yourself! We live in a dictatorship!
Hobbits: *cough cough*
Saruman: But see, if the dictator is in the ownership of an unladen African swallow. . .
Merry and Pippin: Get on with it!!
The two hobbits march into the room armed with high-tech distraction finding equipment.
Pippin: Fork over the distraction, bloody peasants!
Peasant: Help! Help! I'm being repressed!
Merry: Ha ha! Fork! You said fork! Remember that one time when we were playing charades with our past selves, and we were evil and you had that toasting fork and I was Your Worst Nightmare. . . good times, good times! *gets funny looks* Anyways. . .
Michael Jackson: Look! Children!
*all look at him weirdly*
Pippin: Now that's a distraction if I ever saw one.
Merry: Um, Pip? You've never seen one.
Pippin: Oh yeah!
Merry: Quick! Suck it up into our distraction-catcher, before he distracts us for good!
Smee: Too late. . .
MJ: You're the weirdest little boys I've bumped into in a long time!
Merry: We could say the same for you.
MJ is sucked up into the distraction catcher.
Pippin: Uh. . . Now what? Should we sell it? I bet we could get a lot of money for this!
Merry: Um, Pip? You've never sold a Distraction before.
Pippin: But I bet you can get big money for them in Rivendell!
Merry: Wait a sec, didn't Rivendell burn to the ground?
Pippin: Wll, maybe they rebuilt it! The authors certainly took long enough getting back to the plot.
Los Pollos Desnudos: What plot?
Suddenly, a UFO drops from the sky.
Three-eyed Alien: You have found our Cousin!
Michael Jackson: Uncle Billy-Bob!
Pippin: I can see the family resemblance.
Aliens and MJ run towards each other in a rejoiceful reunion.
Merry: Hold on a second. How much will you give us for him?
Alien: I have some Canadian pennies lying around. . .
Pippin: Shiny!
Merry: Wait! We must drive a harder bargain!
Alien: Well, I do have this. . .
Hobbits get the Magical Sparkly Electric Blue Cow-Summoning Rod of Happiness!!!!!
Merry: Yay!
Pippin: Shiny. . .
In which we return to the dimension of Clubs
The People Who Have Died But Aren't Really Dead Club!!!!
Lanfear: So, how did you die?
Nearly-Headless Nick: Oh yes, I was fighting Sir Robin on a sunny day, and he got me 41 times with a blunt axe. It was a rather. . . interesting experience.
Lanfear: Hmmm. . . Mind if I tell your story to one of my colleagues? She would find it fascinating.
Moraine: You don't mean Semirhage, do you?!
Lanfear: . . . *cough cough* . . .
Suddenly, there is a large *POOF!*
Lanfear: Hey Elvis, I think you've got a new recruit.
Obi-Wan Kenobi: Use the Force, Luke! Use the-- What the--
Elvis: Welcome to the People Who Have Died But Aren't Really Dead Club!
Obi-Wan: But I'm not dead!
Elvis: That's the point.
Old Man: I'm not dead!!
Everyone: We know that already!!!!!
Old Man: I think I'll go for a walk!!
Black Knight: Come back here, you yellow bastard!
Old Man: I feel happeeeeeee!!!
Samara: Your seven days are up!
Elvis: Samara, how many times have I told you not to kill the club members? We're few enough as it is!
Samara: I don't mean to hurt them. I just can't help it!
Black Knight: Victory is mine!
* * *
The Anger Management Club!!!!
Images of Los Pollos Desnudos and crickets can be found all around the room on pots, mirrors, and other easily broken items.
Gimli: $@#% BUG!!!
*smash*
Sr. Davis, whose veins are popping out of his forehead: Lazy A students who put me here with this crazy dwarf that threatens to kill my walking sticks!!!!!
*smash*
Gimli: Hey, who you calling crazy?!!
Sr. Davis: AAAAHH!!
*crush* *smash* *jab* *screech*
Suddenly, Los Pollos Desnudos begin the new school year, and Sr. Davis is no longer in our story. . . because. . . we said so!!
*poof.* Sr. Davis is gone.
Gimli: Hey, where'd the #$^%&%^ &@*%@$% go?!! Let me outta here too!!!
LPD #4: Watch your language, and maybe we'll consider your offer!
LPD #3: No! NEVER!! His crime was far too great to amend!!!
LPD #1: But he has to go with the Fellowship!
LPD #3: No he doesn't! We can replace him!!!
LPD #2: But with who?
*silence*
*bzzt bz- squash!
Gimli: %$#@ bug.
LPD #3: See, I told you!! He's too dangerous!!!
LPD #4: Fine, but who do we send in his place?
*silence*
*silence silence*
LPDs: CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW!!!!!!!!!!
LPD #1: That's the best idea ever!
LPD #4: Well, except for this great one coming up. . .
LPD #3: Shh! You're ruining the plot!!
LPD #2: What plot?
LPD #3: Good point.
And so, Captain Jack joins the Fellowship of the Ring and Gimli is left in the tiny room to smash bugs for all eternity.
* * *
The Traitors Anonymous Club!!!!
Jeckyl: Come in, fellow enemies.
A bunch of people with brown paper lunch bags (not magical) and 'fake' IDs walk in and take their seats.
Jeckyl: Now, who has recently betrayed?
'Jennifer': I stole Lori's cheetos!
*silence*
'Lori': Why you little. . .
'Jennifer': Eeek!
Jeckyl: You've passed the test. Welcome to the club, 'Jennifer'. Now let's see who's here. . . Smeagol! Welcome back! Who have you been betraying recently?
Gollum: Master betrayed us!
Jeckyl: Well, yeah, but who did you betray?
Gollum: My preciouss. . .
Jeckyl: Precious? Does this mean what I think it does?
*silence*
*click click*
All: GOLLUM HAS A LOVER!!!!!
Smeagol: Actually, Smeagol has many lovers. . .
*Author's note: We were going to hook our favorite overgrown naked mole rat up with Britney Spears, but we figured she'd be too weird- even for Gollum. So now we've had writer's block for the past three months and have had to resort to discussing politics at lunchtime. And so, in a last desperate attempt to find a plot, we consult. . .
The Magical Brown Paper Lunch Bag of Ideas!!!!
Random idea consists of two words: Michael Jackson.
Xena: Hey, aren't you supposed to be in Hades?
Michael Jackson: I AM Hades!
Xena: What? But how-
MJ: Plastic surgery. Works for everything.
Asmodean: That explains a lot.
Darth Vader: I need to get me a face lift!
Suddenly, the sound of a door being bashed down by two hobbits is heard.
Jeckyl: Hey, we're on a budget here! You can't just go bashing things over all the time!
*transformation occurs*
Hyde: Oh yes we can!
Smee: What?! He just betrayed himself!
Benedict Arnold: Strange. So that's how he got elected leader.
Hobbits: *ahem*
Peasant: We have a leader? I thought we were an autonomous collective!
Wormtongue: You're fooling yourself! We live in a dictatorship!
Hobbits: *cough cough*
Saruman: But see, if the dictator is in the ownership of an unladen African swallow. . .
Merry and Pippin: Get on with it!!
The two hobbits march into the room armed with high-tech distraction finding equipment.
Pippin: Fork over the distraction, bloody peasants!
Peasant: Help! Help! I'm being repressed!
Merry: Ha ha! Fork! You said fork! Remember that one time when we were playing charades with our past selves, and we were evil and you had that toasting fork and I was Your Worst Nightmare. . . good times, good times! *gets funny looks* Anyways. . .
Michael Jackson: Look! Children!
*all look at him weirdly*
Pippin: Now that's a distraction if I ever saw one.
Merry: Um, Pip? You've never seen one.
Pippin: Oh yeah!
Merry: Quick! Suck it up into our distraction-catcher, before he distracts us for good!
Smee: Too late. . .
MJ: You're the weirdest little boys I've bumped into in a long time!
Merry: We could say the same for you.
MJ is sucked up into the distraction catcher.
Pippin: Uh. . . Now what? Should we sell it? I bet we could get a lot of money for this!
Merry: Um, Pip? You've never sold a Distraction before.
Pippin: But I bet you can get big money for them in Rivendell!
Merry: Wait a sec, didn't Rivendell burn to the ground?
Pippin: Wll, maybe they rebuilt it! The authors certainly took long enough getting back to the plot.
Los Pollos Desnudos: What plot?
Suddenly, a UFO drops from the sky.
Three-eyed Alien: You have found our Cousin!
Michael Jackson: Uncle Billy-Bob!
Pippin: I can see the family resemblance.
Aliens and MJ run towards each other in a rejoiceful reunion.
Merry: Hold on a second. How much will you give us for him?
Alien: I have some Canadian pennies lying around. . .
Pippin: Shiny!
Merry: Wait! We must drive a harder bargain!
Alien: Well, I do have this. . .
Hobbits get the Magical Sparkly Electric Blue Cow-Summoning Rod of Happiness!!!!!
Merry: Yay!
Pippin: Shiny. . .