Disclaimer – I don't own the Birds Of Prey, this fan fiction is not for profit. I work for feedback.
Author: Sxygrrl Huntress
Title: The Fear of Loss
The Fear Of Loss
Déjà vu all over again. Helena slumped in the chair, arms folded as she stared out the window. "This is the second time the court has sent you here, Helena," the therapist explained. "Why is it you are so resistant to seeking help? Anger management is for your own benefit, not mine." She continued. Slowly, deliberately, with her piercing blue eyes, Helena turned to face her newly, court appointed shrink.
"Believe me," she warned, narrowing her eyes to slits, "Anger managing is the only thing keeping me from destroying your office and making you eat those degrees on the wall," she hissed and then turned back to look out the window. The therapist tried not to look shaken but was unsuccessful in the task. She picked up her pen which she had dropped on the floor and proceeded to write on her notepad.
"Why don't you tell me about the incident that brought you here?" Dr. Saramen asked. Helena ignored the question but in a huff, got up from her chair and walked over to the wall displaying Dr. Saramen's credentials. She took one of the frames from the wall carefully and studied it in her hands, reading its words, absorbing them before a look of disgust engulfed her. Humph! She pursed her lips and narrowed her eyes yet again.
"You work hard to get this?" Helena asked nonchalantly as she protectively carried the frame while walking toward the sunlight streaming through the open window. Dr. Saramen sat upright in her chair, apprehensive and pushed her dyed, blonde hair behind her ear, still trying to hide her unease. Helena looked her dead in the eyes, waiting for an answer. She didn't speak, but gave her patient a nod, indicating a yes. Helena smiled. Not just any smile. One full of anger… resentment… pain. She looked down at the sidewalk five stories below and carelessly tossed the frame out the window. Dr. Saramen's mouth dropped in horror, causing the curl on Helena's lips to grow even wider. "See how easily it can be taken away?" Helena sneers, carelessly walking back to her chair and once again slumping into it, leaving her shrink utterly speechless.
***
"So how was the session?" Dinah asked as Helena entered the Clock tower. Helena rolled her eyes and walked past the young girl and headed for Barbara, who was, as always, perched in front of her computer. She looked up when she saw Helena approach and immediately looked back at the monitor, not really acknowledging Helena at all. Things had been this way for almost two weeks and it hurt Helena, deeply. Barbara was bottling her feelings and not sharing them with anyone. Getting a dose of herself shoved back in her face really annoyed Helena. Worse yet, made her want to cry.
Barbara was always there for Helena. After her mom was murdered, the only person Helena had in this world was Barbara and even though she didn't admit it often, she needed Barbara, and didn't want to live without her in her life. She had to cope with too much loss as it was, she wasn't about to live through more. No. She couldn't lose any more people in her life.
Helena stood beside her mentor, waiting for some sort of recognition but it never came. Barbara continued to type on her keyboard, eyes never leaving the screen. Helena could feel her heart sinking but she kept that to herself, and tried to pretend she never noticed the distance in Barbara. "What's new on Delphi?" Helena broke the silence, "I'm in the mood to kick a little ass today." She forced a smile.
Barbara glanced up at the younger woman who was desperately trying to reach out to her but Barbara couldn't offer her what she needed. "I'm just doing research," Barbara finally spoke to her. "Nothing for you to be concerned over," she continued, forcing a smile of her own. "If I have anything to report, I'll let you know. Why don't you and Dinah take the day off?" she suggested with little enthusiasm.
"Take the day off? Barbara? Are you feeling okay?" Dinah interjected. "I mean you did just tell Helena to take the day off. This is Helena we're talking about here." Dinah hadn't picked up on Barbara's moods but Helena knew them all too well. Barbara was turning into her, and Helena didn't like what she was seeing. She shot Dinah a look but her face softened slightly, wishing she could go back to feeling so naïve. Dinah had lost her mother as well but unlike Helena, she never withdrew from others. She was not afraid to love her new family, to reach out to them, and was not afraid to accept the love in return. A lesson both Barbara and Helena had troubles grasping.
Barbara stopped typing and turned her chair to face Dinah, smiling softly at the young girl. "I have some work I need to do Dinah and you two could use a day off," Barbara tried her best to look cheerful. "Why don't you go to No Man's Land and see how Gibson is doing?" she suggested. Helena moved closer to Dinah to get a better look at Barbara but once again she didn't get what she wanted. Barbara instantly turned back round and there was no mistaking that she was purposely ignoring Helena.
Dinah on the other hand, had not picked up on this. "Why don't you come with us?" she asked with a hopeful grin. "I know you could use a day off too," she tried to convince her guardian. "It'll be fun!" she continued, "You, me and Helena can get out there and kick some butt in pool. Gibson thinks he's so good at the game. I know you can beat him Barbara."
Sweet Dinah, Helena thought. The more the kid talked, the more Helena wanted to cry. Her face dropped when Barbara once again shifted her position so that her back was to Helena, which made Helena want the attention all the more. "Thank you Dinah but I really have to finish this research," Barbara explained. "You go, and have fun," she finished, her tone indicating that the conversation was over. Dinah grumbled and tried to use her puppy dog pout to get her way but it was no use, Barbara had made up her mind.
"Guess it's just us," Dinah turned to Helena, and instantly the puppy dog pout turned to a look of concern. "Is something wrong?" she asked her older 'sister', catching Helena wiping a single tear from her eye. Helena quickly regained her stature and rolled her eyes at the kid, choosing to give a sarcastic remark.
"Of course I'm okay," she snapped defensively. "Not too thrilled about spending the day with you though," she continued, this time showing a hint of a smile to show Dinah that she was merely teasing. Dinah stuck out her tongue and in response, Helena shook her head. Sweet Dinah, she thought again.
Dinah headed for the elevator but Helena paused, wanting to take advantage of the private moment. "Barbara?" she said softly, almost in a question.
"Have a good time," Barbara responded, her shoulders stiffening, a strong indication that she didn't want to talk. Helena wiped another tear from her eye, and abided. She headed for the elevator, shoulders drooping, and sadness engulfing her. What is going on with you Barbara? Helena wondered silently. Once the elevator door closed, Barbara removed her glasses and burst into tears. Pain welling up in her heart, loneliness surrounded her. She leaned on the desk and rested her head on her hand, her body convulsing slightly as she wallowed in her own pain, tears hitting the keyboard.
"I swear I'll kill you," she said, straightening up, determined to keep that promise. And this time, no one was going to stop her. She ripped her tear-soaked keyboard from the computer and threw it across the room, shattering a ceramic statue that once decorated the tower. Barbara didn't care. The only thought on her mind was murder.