DISCLAIMER: Yes that's right!! I own DBZ! Eat your hearts out fan girls!!!
I keep them all chained downstairs in mai basement!!! *Evil laugh*
Honestly...we know the drill...don't own don't sue...do not pass go do not
collect 200 Yen. Just don't sue, you won't get anything but a pocket of
lint and an old ass computer.
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Summary: Years of hidden passion and lies finally come to the eyes of the public and life as she knows it is ruined for Bulma Briefs. And while she may be putting on a brave face on the outside, is she dying on the inside?
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AN:
Wow, much to mai own surprise I've gotten actual reviews and not flames. Well...the story just stared so iono what's gonna come up. But so far I'm feeling pretty good about this story. ^^
Now to answer the questions that the reviewer "July" had: Bulma did not have three kids officially but in my story she does. Trunks, Bra, and a made up character Lianna. (By the way I don't own Lianna) Cheena is the daughter of Goku and Chi-Chi, twin sister to Goten and wife to Trunks. (I don't own Cheena either) They have two sons and three daughters together. To learn more about Cheena visit the pen name "Cheena Son-Briefs." Cheena will be making an appearance in this chapter, towards the end and with a much bigger role than just a passer-by.
Oh and about making a chapter in Goku's POV, I can't do that. I'm in Bulma's POV and the whole story will remain that way. This story is going to be a series of her diary entries on what happened. I know it would be nice to see how Goku feels but I can't switch, it's going to throw off the balance of the story.
Ok, enough of that. Just want to take one more minute to thank all of my reviewers, such wonderful ppl. ^__^ Thanks so much for reviewing. Makes meeh wanna write faster you know. ::hint hint:: ^^;
Well enough of this long AN let me let you guys who actually want to read the story go. Go on, read it. I hope you lyke this chapter. Don't forget to R&R
~LadyB AKA Bulma Briefs
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Pages of Veiled Desire
Rated: R
Chapter Two
Written by: The Brilliant Lady Bulma *formally known as LadyBulma24*
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-October 13, 2003 9:42 AM-
As I read over my last entry I realize that it has been a few days since I last wrote down my thoughts, not that they are that important. I guess you could say that things have calmed down slightly however it is enough to make a difference and offer me some kind of sanity. Well...actually, things regarding the company have been looking up, my personal life on the other had has been falling apart. Drawing a heavy breath I try to think of where to start. How can I possibly re-tell this story if even I do not know where it all started. Perhaps it started earlier today...no...it had started long before then. I think it started when I was 16 but I cannot press my mind to remember such things anymore. Yes, my feelings for Goku have been growing over the years so there is a possibility that things did start all those years ago. Yet up until now they were never a problem. He married, I married...and that was all that mattered. Right...?
Once more I sigh, this time I shut my eyes for a moment, until white parches of strain appear in my shut vision. No, marriage was not enough to bury everything, not for my anyway. I do not know how his mind works, I do not know if he spends countless hours of the day thinking of me the way I think of him. I cannot pick apart his...complex, for lack of better word, mind. I will never know if he looses sleep staying awake at night staring up at the ceiling thinking of me the way I think about him night after night and day after day. These are the things I will never know for certain. Not now anyway, I cannot predict what is yet to come.
Yesterday led me to believe that maybe he does posses some feelings for me, though. From the things that were said and the things I observed I am starting to think he might just like me.... Love me...Allow me to tell you of the days I've had.
In order for this to make any type of sense I have to go back to the very beginning, two whole days ago. The time was late, sun setting behind the clouds and I, as always, sat at my computer in a manner much like the one I am using now, when my husband walked in. By the look of things he was fresh out of the gravity room; sweat dripping down his body clipped and carved with perfect muscles. Any woman would have stopped the boring work I was doing at the moment and jumped onto Vegeta with a passion big enough to rival that of a Saiyan. But not me, I have long since out grown that feeling when he enters a room. The world no longer yarns off its axis when he's around, I no longer feel the need to have him take me upon sight. Hell, he doesn't even give me butterflies anymore. It's true what they say, passion, no matter how strong, dies over time.
Without so much as a 'hello' of acknowledgment he had taken a seat on the sofa behind me while watching me with those eyes that could burn holes right through a person if given long enough. There was a time, I assume, when his stare did not bother me. However that day was not one of those times. The very instant his eyes began to roam over the back of my body I felt hot, uneasy, and even scared. Even thought I know that my husband has the power to kill me and whatever he wants whenever he wants I never really found myself fearing him. That was, until today. My hands began to shake...I could not focus on my typing anymore and found myself turning around to face him.
"Vegeta..."
I wonder if he could hear the desperation in my voice when I parted my lips to speak.
His reply came in a motion which led to him taking to his feet and walking up to me. No words were said; he simply fell on one of his knees before me and my chair then stared at me long and hard. I could hear my own breathing along with his then in an apprehensive fit of respiration. Why would he not say anything?! It was driving me mad and just when I was ready to brake the silence with a statement of my own he finally spoke while running one of his gloved hands through my aqua hair.
"...You're looking better, onna."
I was at a sudden lost of words. He had noticed that I had been ill though he had not said anything for the past four days. Then I realized just who I was talking to, Vegeta. He would never show any emotion to anyone. I had come to learn that over the endless years of being his wife. He might have started to warm up around me as well as everyone else after Buu had come and gone however that did not mean he was going to be open about what he felt. No...that just was not him. I knew that he would die with a million unsaid things on his chest and that was one of the things that made me want to cry harder than ever before. I would be the wife who watched her husband slip away from her without knowing how he really felt for her at all. I would die without confirmation of his love; a wedding ring just was not enough anymore.
To reply to him I found myself puling away from his grasp slightly and glancing into his deep ebony eyes seriously. I remember muttering "Ok" to him idly then thanking him for his comment. I could recall running my own through my hair while still locking my eyes with his own. Then saying something I had not planned to say initially.
"You don't have to always protect me. It'd just be nice knowing that I have someone. But at least you try....... what else can I ask for...?"
My own words scare me now that I think back on them. What exactly was I hinting at. Why had I paused? I do not even know the answer to these and many of the other questions swimming around in my head. One of the things I thank Kami for now is Vegeta's more-often-then-not lack of attention. My words went unnoticed by him, less explaining. That much was true, because the next thing I remember is Vegeta pressing his lips to my own...and surprisingly...I felt nothing. I did not feel that maddening surge of passion I usually get when we kiss. I did not feel the need to wrap my arms around him and bring him closer to me. On the contrary, I could not stop my hands from making their way to his well-built chest and pushing him away. He asked me if something was wrong, that's when I started to lie.
"No. Nothing's wrong...I'm just working that's all...my mind is elsewhere."
Ok, so perhaps there was a smug of truth in my would-be white lie. My mind WAS elsewhere. There was no way I could keep my mind on my husband when I was suddenly beginning to scorn his touch. His hands felt like hot ashes on my porcelain skin...I had to get away! There was only one problem this time, by the new look in my husband's eyes I could tell that this time he had noticed my disagreeable state of being.
"There's something wrong with you onna." A statement, not a question directed to me while taking to his feet once more, towering over me at his stance of a full 5'7. I sent my eyes to the floor below.
After a moment I did the same as he and got out of the chair I sat in priory. I walked to the other side of the room in a neither slow nor haste departure so not to draw attention to myself. "I'm ok...alright?" And just when I thought that yes, I had gotten away from him, he was standing right in front of me with those eyes of his. Those eyes that once I could have lost myself in...damn those eyes...damn him.
"Something is wrong with you." Once more it was more of a statement of reassurance than a comment of concern. I sighed.
"No, Nothing is wrong with me." Then with that said I moved him out of my way and shook my head. "Vegeta I.... I'm going out. I'll be back when I'm back...." I walked towards the door. I recall thinking how much I had to get away and when I passed the threshold of my lab I realized I had gotten away. For this time, Vegeta did not follow.
I've pushed him away haven't I? Yeah, that was bound to happen. I couldn't keep this act up any longer. I could not fool him anymore into thinking that I was happy with him when really I am not. I cannot hurt him anymore than I know I already am. If he knew what I was feeling...Kami save the world from his wrath. My day couldn't have gotten any worse...right? Wrong. Things can always get worse and just as luck would have it for me, they often do.
Upon returning to my lab later that night, Vegeta long since having left, I was alone with my thoughts. Alone and a bit scared; not a good combination given my current state of mind. I walked in, changed my clothes and sat on the couch absentmindedly thinking as I ran a comb through my locks of aquamarine hair. And although I knew for a fact I was alone I could not shake the fact that I was being watched. I felt something, anything, hovering in that room watching me as I thought to myself. At first I thought I could have been Vegeta still there, waiting for my return as he had done once or twice before. I shook my head and slammed the comb down on a nearby table, dismissing the thought as quick as it has popped into my head. Whoever was watching me was doing a good job of keeping his identity a secret. A few minutes later I had given up and was preparing myself to go to bed for the night.
While busying about my nightly routine I recollect Cheena, Trunks' wife walking into the lab as she does many a time without having to make herself known. She soundlessly made her way around the lab, setting her twin sons, who looked like a mirror image of their father, down on the sofa and she herself took a seat in a chair. I couldn't help but wonder what she was doing there but I said nothing. I was too tired to care. One of my last imagines before sleep was Cheena sitting outside of my room, her bottomless chocolate eyes staring off into the wonders of space with strands of her long raven hair spilling over her shoulders. Then, like a baby, I was out for the night.
Have you ever been between the abyss of sleep and awareness, with the ability to hear and comprehend things without actually knowing if they're a dream or reality? I think that's what happened to me last night. I can remember words that were said...or at least I think they were said. I might have dreamed them...but then again they just had to be real. Those were the very words that made the argument that was to come ligament.
I could swear I heard Goku's voice last night, softly saying to me : "I know your sleeping...but I have to talk to someone and I know you wont tell anyone or judge me by it, even if you were awake. But I don't think Chi-Chi is happy with me. I don't know what's wrong or what I've done but she seems...distant, she more or less pushed me away when I went to see her." I could hear the sorrow in his voice and at the same time a faint trace of longing. But for what, I will never know. I thought he was there with me, alive or in spirit, either way he was there. I wanted it to be true so bad....
The next time that pops into my mind is waking up that morning, trying to figure out of what I heard was a dream or not. After a few more minutes of thinking I knew that it would be in my best interest to convince myself that it was all a dream. So doing what I knew best I buried my emotions in a ton of work and didn't think about things until later that night, when Cheena and Trunks decided to pay me a visit.
While working in my back room, behind my lab I could hear Trunks' booming voice, a voice that resembled his father's, demanding me to show myself. I could just picture him walking back and forth in my lab with his cerulean eyes obscured underneath a frown. "Bulma! Bulma Briefs!! Show yourself." I knew that when he called me by my name there was something deeply wrong. In the back of my mind I had a feeling as to what this was in regard to. Although I simply could not imagine how he could have found out. I had done my best to cover things up and had been successful for the past couple of years. So why had he found out now all of a sudden?
Forcing myself up out of my chair, I walked into the lab to find my son and his wife standing there with looks of livid irritation crossing their features. I stood there for a moment before I formed words in my mind. "You two...what brings you here? I-is there something I can do to help you two out?" Sure I knew what they wanted, it was obvious even to a blind person. Call it good-grace or just down right being scared by I did not want to be the first to bring up such a shaky topic. I wanted them to say something first. Only then could I be sure of what to say. There was always that small ounce of humanity in my Lord Kami, there was always that chance that they could be here for something else.
Cheena stared at me with her dark eyes, a blank, unreadable expression on her face. "Trunks just wants to talk to you...I guess..." She continues to stare at me and only Kami knew what was going through her mind at the moment. "Hopefully this won't take all your time...I know your busy as always..." Her voice was empty, making it impossible to decipher what her emotions were. But there you have it, daughter of Goku and Chi-Chi, and a woman with the ability to hide emotions better than Vegeta could. She was another, I felt, that would die with a heavy chest.
Had I only been talking to Cheena then I would have thought that she were here for another reason. However the minute her husband, my first born, opened his mouth I knew that they were here in regards to my deepest and darkest secret. There was just no other way around it. "Yes mother...so busy." Now Trunks' voice I could place. Contempt...hurt...anger...even confusion all wrapped into one nice little sentence. He needn't say more, yet he did. "So busy that you forget you have children." He sneered at me. then he found it in him to continue. "So busy that you push away your own husband." Then he shocked not only myself but his wife as well by the look on her face as he laughed bitterly. "But not too busy for you push away the man that you know could ruin your life." Never once did he soften his glare on me. "Some mother."
I looked at Trunks and tried in vein to reach the little bit of compassion I hoped he had. "I have no idea what you're talking about." I sighed quickly and took a pause. "You're mistaken. What happened...happened. I have no say so in this whatsoever." I failed horribly, the unspoken words in his eyes signaled that he wasn't going to give this up.
His wife was next to speak, keeping her eyes on me still. "Of all the people...I mean...damn Bulma..." She was one of the few that dared speak to me so boldly about this topic. A part of me was thankful for that another cursed it to hell. Cheena shook her head full of raven silk and spoke again. "What about your kids? Your husband?" I was then thankful for her eyes leaving me, they were making me my fair share of uncomfortable. But no sooner had my thoughts processed than I began to feel her icy stare return to me. "I always considered you to be like my second mother...thought you wouldn't hurt me...but I was wrong..."
I brought my hand to my chest. "Dammit will you two listen to me!" Forcing my face into a frown I continued to speak, it was my turn to have a say so on this. I wasn't going to let them step all over me and pin the blame entirely on me. "I can't control what he feels!! I can't do a thing about this!!" Then was the moment that I knew the things I had heard and felt were true, Goku did love me back and now that it was out in the open...hell was braking loose. For some unknown reason I felt hot tears begin to stream down my face. "Just...don't make this worse! Can't you two drop it?!"
"I'm sorry but dropping it is out of the question. I can't do that. I won't do that...oh but I will handle this...now that I can do..." Cheena slowly started to let her guard down, I could tell what her feelings towards this matter were and they came as no shock to me. She was angry beyond words, the lines in her face started to deepen and just before I could reply to her she turned away and started to look around the lab. "....I can promise you that...take my word for that to the fullest..."
Again, my words were shoved back into my mouth before I could form them. "Stop crying like a little bitch. That's all you seem to be good for. Ruining lives and crying at the end." As shocked and as appalled as I was with my son's choice of words I could not stop him from walking up to me. He looked down at me, standing a full 3 inches or maybe more than me. "We all know how you feel. It's written in your face when you see him, think of him, speak to him, do whatever that involves him. Everyone knows it." I couldn't bring myself to speak, Trunks continued with a snort. "So be woman enough and stop bull shitting. Bite the bullet, what's it going to be? Stop lying."
I just couldn't move let alone bring myself to speak. I felt as if my lips were made out of cement and I was bolted to the floor. I was better off being a statue for all the liberty I had. Cheena took advantage of this time and spoke. "I have to agree with Trunks on this one. Stop lying. Just open your mouth and tell the truth. Everyone sees it...everyone. I'm sick of it...sick of knowing what I know in my head but don't know for sure. Its tearing me apart...just tell us what's going on. That's all we're asking...tell us what you truly feel."
In the back of my mind I think I heard Cheena say those words...but I don't even remember anymore I just remember bringing my hand up from my side and sending it flying across my son's face. I could not control it anymore, he was pushing my buttons and purposely taunting me. As if the fact that he was my son was going to shield him away from my anger. "How dare you!?" I hissed out towards him, my body still shaking from the impact of the slap. It was now my turn to deliver the cold glares. I narrowed my eyes at my son. "I didn't raise you to be this way. I didn't slave away raising you alone just to have you repay me this way in the end!!" I broke my words off long enough to turn and give a glare to Cheena. "And you... I thought you to be my daughter, the one I never had. Why do you have to be this way!! WHY?!" I wiped the stubborn tears away from my eyes, why wouldn't they just stay in Dammit?! "It's killing me!" I finally admitted.
Cheena walked over to her husband, dismissing my glare to her without a second thought. Once she was comfortably at his side she turned her eyes back to me. By now, I was getting use to it. "Killing you?" She asked me in a mixture of resentment and confusion. Her voice began to rise in volume nearly double what it once has been. I swore a wall behind me shook. "KILLING YOU!? DON'T YOU DARE SAY ANYTHING IS KILLING YOU. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!! I SURE AS HELL DO!! DON'T YOU DARE PLAY VICTIM HERE! DON'T!!!" Taking a deep breath she turned over to her husband, as if making sure that he were all right. I'm sure he was, I might have slapped him my hardest but it must have been nothing but a bit of discomfort for Trunks. He, like his father, had the power to kill me in an instant. I'm sure a small slap on the cheek didn't bother him at all.
Cheena brought my thoughts to a halt. "Your wrong Bulma...busy thinking of someone that you know damn well you best not go near...what the hell is wrong with you. I hope this is hurting you. I hope it tears the hell out of you."
Trunks finally reacted, for a moment I'm sure he was in a state of complete shock. "I don't know you.... I don't know you at all." He pushed me away from him, not as hard as we all knew he could. I don't understand why but it was obvious that he was holding back on me when I hadn't held back on him at all. I slapped him with all my frail body frame could give. "You're ruining everything. Thinking with him, wanting to be with him.... you're so wrong." His eyes turned to slits then he brought his hand up to his still red cheek. "You're not my mother." The second the words left his mouth I reached out for him, but it was too late. He had already turned his back away from me and started to walk on.
I dropped my hand to my side. It was useless to beg a Saiyan man. If time had thought me one thing, that was it. Suddenly Trunks turned to face me. Despite the look of murder in his eyes my heart sprung with a bit of hope. "And if you ever...mark my words, ever ruin our lives again, I'll have to deal with you personally." After that he turned his back on me, this time I was sure it was for good. He walked over to his wife who greeted him with a much kinder, gentler stare.
"Your brought this shit on yourself Bulma...all on yourself. I know what you'll do now...go cry and wait...typical...I can't believe you." Cheena mumbled to me softly, sighing between her words, and relaxing her glare, which now resided on me.
I brought my eyes between them both, taking in their appearances as if for the first time in a lifetime. "You two could never understand...ever." Before I knew what I was doing...I was speaking and the tears were pooling up in my eyes once more. "So hate me if you want. Kill me. I don't care anymore." I couldn't control my words, they were spilling from my mouth as easily as the tears were from my eyes. There was nothing I could do to stop them. "What I feel will never go away. It never has so now will be no exception." Then I turned on my heels having finally been fed up with this argument. The next couple of sentences that left my mouth I recall thinking and pondering over carefully, but it was not until I had glared at them and walked out of the room that I realized what I had exactly done. "Just.....leave. Both of you. OUT!! You two have no idea what it's like to feel the things I do... ache the way I do! Just get the fuck out of here!! I have no family with either one of you!"
I had just rid myself of my first born son, my only son, and his wife. A girl I had a hand in raising, a girl I considered my daughter and would have done anything for. When her screams of protest finally died down I realized they were really gone. I assume Trunks must have teleported her out of the lab.
When the knowledge of their departure sunk in fully I fell to my knees, allowing the tears to flow freely, rocking my body crazy. I remember thinking that they could not and would not ever understand how I was feeling. I remember pounding my first on the floor in pure furry while thinking that they would never know that they would never feel the way I do...losing my life slowly piece by piece, inch by inch, until finally I have nothing left at all. I recall now as I type biting down on my lip that night until it bled. The wound still remains on my cherry tinted lips, covered over with a thin layer of drying blood.
Then I remember turning my thoughts around completely, it was no longer about Trunks and Cheena leaving me, for the most part. Now it was about Goku, having said those things to me and leaving me all alone in this. Leaving me alone to deal with everyone, because I'm sure he knew that no one would accept us together. I looked up at the ceiling and hoped that he could somehow hear me.
How come you can't be with me? I know you'd make the pain go away? You'd have talked to them...I just can't handle these things alone.
As the night worn on I slowly struggled to find my way to bed.
I'm not as strong as you are....I can't hide my feelings for very long.
I parted back the covers of the bed then lay down, still wide-awake and contemplating my situation.
I can't just sit back and let my son walk out of my life, taking Cheena along with him
I shut my eyes tightly until I thought I had fused them shut with my own will to keep the tears inside of myself.
I just wish... you were here to make it all go away. I need you...someone...or anyone... but no one understands. I guess there's only one thing left for me to do...
Then the last thing I remember is crying...crying as hard as my body would allow. I cried until I thought I couldn't cry anymore then continued to weep some more. I must have sobbed out an ocean of sorrow, I could have drowned a person with my tears. But at least it offered me something, at least I knew I could cry.
I awoke this morning like a damn zombie. Walking around only for Kami knows what reason, being held together with nothing but tears and sorrow. Not even bitterness anymore lingered in my system. With every step I took I felt like I was going to snap into two pieces and die. Perhaps deep down that's what I was praying for. My tears had dried on my face and when I looked into the mirror I wanted to burst into tears all over again. I saw nothing worth while, no one worth living for. I felt ugly beyond words, I couldn't bare to look at myself. And I thought with resentment...Is that really me? Is that the world's richest woman? So this is what the media doesn't see....The media will never see a woman with bloodshot eyes, an unearthly pale face and age written in every line. Nope, I won't allow it. That's what make up is for.
So while putting on coat after coat of make up I remember feeling more and more like a fraud. Each layer of artificial perfection was everything I wasn't. I'm not rich, I'm not beautiful, and I'm not smart at all. If my head didn't grow such unique hair I'd be a waste. Oh who am I trying to kid? I am a waste... I take up space and take up air that someone else could be using.
Now I've written down everything I had to say. I can say no more. I feel tired...my finger once more aching with a dull familiar pain that comes after typing as much as I have today. I glance down at the computer counter...seven whole pages... 5,331 words. That's how much it took to explain the demons in my mind. The reason I walk around with nothing to do. My explanation for sadly being...a dead woman walking.
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REVIEW!
REVIEW!!
REVIEW!!!
All comments, flames, suggestions, anything else, are welcome. ^_^
Summary: Years of hidden passion and lies finally come to the eyes of the public and life as she knows it is ruined for Bulma Briefs. And while she may be putting on a brave face on the outside, is she dying on the inside?
-----
AN:
Wow, much to mai own surprise I've gotten actual reviews and not flames. Well...the story just stared so iono what's gonna come up. But so far I'm feeling pretty good about this story. ^^
Now to answer the questions that the reviewer "July" had: Bulma did not have three kids officially but in my story she does. Trunks, Bra, and a made up character Lianna. (By the way I don't own Lianna) Cheena is the daughter of Goku and Chi-Chi, twin sister to Goten and wife to Trunks. (I don't own Cheena either) They have two sons and three daughters together. To learn more about Cheena visit the pen name "Cheena Son-Briefs." Cheena will be making an appearance in this chapter, towards the end and with a much bigger role than just a passer-by.
Oh and about making a chapter in Goku's POV, I can't do that. I'm in Bulma's POV and the whole story will remain that way. This story is going to be a series of her diary entries on what happened. I know it would be nice to see how Goku feels but I can't switch, it's going to throw off the balance of the story.
Ok, enough of that. Just want to take one more minute to thank all of my reviewers, such wonderful ppl. ^__^ Thanks so much for reviewing. Makes meeh wanna write faster you know. ::hint hint:: ^^;
Well enough of this long AN let me let you guys who actually want to read the story go. Go on, read it. I hope you lyke this chapter. Don't forget to R&R
~LadyB AKA Bulma Briefs
------
Pages of Veiled Desire
Rated: R
Chapter Two
Written by: The Brilliant Lady Bulma *formally known as LadyBulma24*
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-October 13, 2003 9:42 AM-
As I read over my last entry I realize that it has been a few days since I last wrote down my thoughts, not that they are that important. I guess you could say that things have calmed down slightly however it is enough to make a difference and offer me some kind of sanity. Well...actually, things regarding the company have been looking up, my personal life on the other had has been falling apart. Drawing a heavy breath I try to think of where to start. How can I possibly re-tell this story if even I do not know where it all started. Perhaps it started earlier today...no...it had started long before then. I think it started when I was 16 but I cannot press my mind to remember such things anymore. Yes, my feelings for Goku have been growing over the years so there is a possibility that things did start all those years ago. Yet up until now they were never a problem. He married, I married...and that was all that mattered. Right...?
Once more I sigh, this time I shut my eyes for a moment, until white parches of strain appear in my shut vision. No, marriage was not enough to bury everything, not for my anyway. I do not know how his mind works, I do not know if he spends countless hours of the day thinking of me the way I think of him. I cannot pick apart his...complex, for lack of better word, mind. I will never know if he looses sleep staying awake at night staring up at the ceiling thinking of me the way I think about him night after night and day after day. These are the things I will never know for certain. Not now anyway, I cannot predict what is yet to come.
Yesterday led me to believe that maybe he does posses some feelings for me, though. From the things that were said and the things I observed I am starting to think he might just like me.... Love me...Allow me to tell you of the days I've had.
In order for this to make any type of sense I have to go back to the very beginning, two whole days ago. The time was late, sun setting behind the clouds and I, as always, sat at my computer in a manner much like the one I am using now, when my husband walked in. By the look of things he was fresh out of the gravity room; sweat dripping down his body clipped and carved with perfect muscles. Any woman would have stopped the boring work I was doing at the moment and jumped onto Vegeta with a passion big enough to rival that of a Saiyan. But not me, I have long since out grown that feeling when he enters a room. The world no longer yarns off its axis when he's around, I no longer feel the need to have him take me upon sight. Hell, he doesn't even give me butterflies anymore. It's true what they say, passion, no matter how strong, dies over time.
Without so much as a 'hello' of acknowledgment he had taken a seat on the sofa behind me while watching me with those eyes that could burn holes right through a person if given long enough. There was a time, I assume, when his stare did not bother me. However that day was not one of those times. The very instant his eyes began to roam over the back of my body I felt hot, uneasy, and even scared. Even thought I know that my husband has the power to kill me and whatever he wants whenever he wants I never really found myself fearing him. That was, until today. My hands began to shake...I could not focus on my typing anymore and found myself turning around to face him.
"Vegeta..."
I wonder if he could hear the desperation in my voice when I parted my lips to speak.
His reply came in a motion which led to him taking to his feet and walking up to me. No words were said; he simply fell on one of his knees before me and my chair then stared at me long and hard. I could hear my own breathing along with his then in an apprehensive fit of respiration. Why would he not say anything?! It was driving me mad and just when I was ready to brake the silence with a statement of my own he finally spoke while running one of his gloved hands through my aqua hair.
"...You're looking better, onna."
I was at a sudden lost of words. He had noticed that I had been ill though he had not said anything for the past four days. Then I realized just who I was talking to, Vegeta. He would never show any emotion to anyone. I had come to learn that over the endless years of being his wife. He might have started to warm up around me as well as everyone else after Buu had come and gone however that did not mean he was going to be open about what he felt. No...that just was not him. I knew that he would die with a million unsaid things on his chest and that was one of the things that made me want to cry harder than ever before. I would be the wife who watched her husband slip away from her without knowing how he really felt for her at all. I would die without confirmation of his love; a wedding ring just was not enough anymore.
To reply to him I found myself puling away from his grasp slightly and glancing into his deep ebony eyes seriously. I remember muttering "Ok" to him idly then thanking him for his comment. I could recall running my own through my hair while still locking my eyes with his own. Then saying something I had not planned to say initially.
"You don't have to always protect me. It'd just be nice knowing that I have someone. But at least you try....... what else can I ask for...?"
My own words scare me now that I think back on them. What exactly was I hinting at. Why had I paused? I do not even know the answer to these and many of the other questions swimming around in my head. One of the things I thank Kami for now is Vegeta's more-often-then-not lack of attention. My words went unnoticed by him, less explaining. That much was true, because the next thing I remember is Vegeta pressing his lips to my own...and surprisingly...I felt nothing. I did not feel that maddening surge of passion I usually get when we kiss. I did not feel the need to wrap my arms around him and bring him closer to me. On the contrary, I could not stop my hands from making their way to his well-built chest and pushing him away. He asked me if something was wrong, that's when I started to lie.
"No. Nothing's wrong...I'm just working that's all...my mind is elsewhere."
Ok, so perhaps there was a smug of truth in my would-be white lie. My mind WAS elsewhere. There was no way I could keep my mind on my husband when I was suddenly beginning to scorn his touch. His hands felt like hot ashes on my porcelain skin...I had to get away! There was only one problem this time, by the new look in my husband's eyes I could tell that this time he had noticed my disagreeable state of being.
"There's something wrong with you onna." A statement, not a question directed to me while taking to his feet once more, towering over me at his stance of a full 5'7. I sent my eyes to the floor below.
After a moment I did the same as he and got out of the chair I sat in priory. I walked to the other side of the room in a neither slow nor haste departure so not to draw attention to myself. "I'm ok...alright?" And just when I thought that yes, I had gotten away from him, he was standing right in front of me with those eyes of his. Those eyes that once I could have lost myself in...damn those eyes...damn him.
"Something is wrong with you." Once more it was more of a statement of reassurance than a comment of concern. I sighed.
"No, Nothing is wrong with me." Then with that said I moved him out of my way and shook my head. "Vegeta I.... I'm going out. I'll be back when I'm back...." I walked towards the door. I recall thinking how much I had to get away and when I passed the threshold of my lab I realized I had gotten away. For this time, Vegeta did not follow.
I've pushed him away haven't I? Yeah, that was bound to happen. I couldn't keep this act up any longer. I could not fool him anymore into thinking that I was happy with him when really I am not. I cannot hurt him anymore than I know I already am. If he knew what I was feeling...Kami save the world from his wrath. My day couldn't have gotten any worse...right? Wrong. Things can always get worse and just as luck would have it for me, they often do.
Upon returning to my lab later that night, Vegeta long since having left, I was alone with my thoughts. Alone and a bit scared; not a good combination given my current state of mind. I walked in, changed my clothes and sat on the couch absentmindedly thinking as I ran a comb through my locks of aquamarine hair. And although I knew for a fact I was alone I could not shake the fact that I was being watched. I felt something, anything, hovering in that room watching me as I thought to myself. At first I thought I could have been Vegeta still there, waiting for my return as he had done once or twice before. I shook my head and slammed the comb down on a nearby table, dismissing the thought as quick as it has popped into my head. Whoever was watching me was doing a good job of keeping his identity a secret. A few minutes later I had given up and was preparing myself to go to bed for the night.
While busying about my nightly routine I recollect Cheena, Trunks' wife walking into the lab as she does many a time without having to make herself known. She soundlessly made her way around the lab, setting her twin sons, who looked like a mirror image of their father, down on the sofa and she herself took a seat in a chair. I couldn't help but wonder what she was doing there but I said nothing. I was too tired to care. One of my last imagines before sleep was Cheena sitting outside of my room, her bottomless chocolate eyes staring off into the wonders of space with strands of her long raven hair spilling over her shoulders. Then, like a baby, I was out for the night.
Have you ever been between the abyss of sleep and awareness, with the ability to hear and comprehend things without actually knowing if they're a dream or reality? I think that's what happened to me last night. I can remember words that were said...or at least I think they were said. I might have dreamed them...but then again they just had to be real. Those were the very words that made the argument that was to come ligament.
I could swear I heard Goku's voice last night, softly saying to me : "I know your sleeping...but I have to talk to someone and I know you wont tell anyone or judge me by it, even if you were awake. But I don't think Chi-Chi is happy with me. I don't know what's wrong or what I've done but she seems...distant, she more or less pushed me away when I went to see her." I could hear the sorrow in his voice and at the same time a faint trace of longing. But for what, I will never know. I thought he was there with me, alive or in spirit, either way he was there. I wanted it to be true so bad....
The next time that pops into my mind is waking up that morning, trying to figure out of what I heard was a dream or not. After a few more minutes of thinking I knew that it would be in my best interest to convince myself that it was all a dream. So doing what I knew best I buried my emotions in a ton of work and didn't think about things until later that night, when Cheena and Trunks decided to pay me a visit.
While working in my back room, behind my lab I could hear Trunks' booming voice, a voice that resembled his father's, demanding me to show myself. I could just picture him walking back and forth in my lab with his cerulean eyes obscured underneath a frown. "Bulma! Bulma Briefs!! Show yourself." I knew that when he called me by my name there was something deeply wrong. In the back of my mind I had a feeling as to what this was in regard to. Although I simply could not imagine how he could have found out. I had done my best to cover things up and had been successful for the past couple of years. So why had he found out now all of a sudden?
Forcing myself up out of my chair, I walked into the lab to find my son and his wife standing there with looks of livid irritation crossing their features. I stood there for a moment before I formed words in my mind. "You two...what brings you here? I-is there something I can do to help you two out?" Sure I knew what they wanted, it was obvious even to a blind person. Call it good-grace or just down right being scared by I did not want to be the first to bring up such a shaky topic. I wanted them to say something first. Only then could I be sure of what to say. There was always that small ounce of humanity in my Lord Kami, there was always that chance that they could be here for something else.
Cheena stared at me with her dark eyes, a blank, unreadable expression on her face. "Trunks just wants to talk to you...I guess..." She continues to stare at me and only Kami knew what was going through her mind at the moment. "Hopefully this won't take all your time...I know your busy as always..." Her voice was empty, making it impossible to decipher what her emotions were. But there you have it, daughter of Goku and Chi-Chi, and a woman with the ability to hide emotions better than Vegeta could. She was another, I felt, that would die with a heavy chest.
Had I only been talking to Cheena then I would have thought that she were here for another reason. However the minute her husband, my first born, opened his mouth I knew that they were here in regards to my deepest and darkest secret. There was just no other way around it. "Yes mother...so busy." Now Trunks' voice I could place. Contempt...hurt...anger...even confusion all wrapped into one nice little sentence. He needn't say more, yet he did. "So busy that you forget you have children." He sneered at me. then he found it in him to continue. "So busy that you push away your own husband." Then he shocked not only myself but his wife as well by the look on her face as he laughed bitterly. "But not too busy for you push away the man that you know could ruin your life." Never once did he soften his glare on me. "Some mother."
I looked at Trunks and tried in vein to reach the little bit of compassion I hoped he had. "I have no idea what you're talking about." I sighed quickly and took a pause. "You're mistaken. What happened...happened. I have no say so in this whatsoever." I failed horribly, the unspoken words in his eyes signaled that he wasn't going to give this up.
His wife was next to speak, keeping her eyes on me still. "Of all the people...I mean...damn Bulma..." She was one of the few that dared speak to me so boldly about this topic. A part of me was thankful for that another cursed it to hell. Cheena shook her head full of raven silk and spoke again. "What about your kids? Your husband?" I was then thankful for her eyes leaving me, they were making me my fair share of uncomfortable. But no sooner had my thoughts processed than I began to feel her icy stare return to me. "I always considered you to be like my second mother...thought you wouldn't hurt me...but I was wrong..."
I brought my hand to my chest. "Dammit will you two listen to me!" Forcing my face into a frown I continued to speak, it was my turn to have a say so on this. I wasn't going to let them step all over me and pin the blame entirely on me. "I can't control what he feels!! I can't do a thing about this!!" Then was the moment that I knew the things I had heard and felt were true, Goku did love me back and now that it was out in the open...hell was braking loose. For some unknown reason I felt hot tears begin to stream down my face. "Just...don't make this worse! Can't you two drop it?!"
"I'm sorry but dropping it is out of the question. I can't do that. I won't do that...oh but I will handle this...now that I can do..." Cheena slowly started to let her guard down, I could tell what her feelings towards this matter were and they came as no shock to me. She was angry beyond words, the lines in her face started to deepen and just before I could reply to her she turned away and started to look around the lab. "....I can promise you that...take my word for that to the fullest..."
Again, my words were shoved back into my mouth before I could form them. "Stop crying like a little bitch. That's all you seem to be good for. Ruining lives and crying at the end." As shocked and as appalled as I was with my son's choice of words I could not stop him from walking up to me. He looked down at me, standing a full 3 inches or maybe more than me. "We all know how you feel. It's written in your face when you see him, think of him, speak to him, do whatever that involves him. Everyone knows it." I couldn't bring myself to speak, Trunks continued with a snort. "So be woman enough and stop bull shitting. Bite the bullet, what's it going to be? Stop lying."
I just couldn't move let alone bring myself to speak. I felt as if my lips were made out of cement and I was bolted to the floor. I was better off being a statue for all the liberty I had. Cheena took advantage of this time and spoke. "I have to agree with Trunks on this one. Stop lying. Just open your mouth and tell the truth. Everyone sees it...everyone. I'm sick of it...sick of knowing what I know in my head but don't know for sure. Its tearing me apart...just tell us what's going on. That's all we're asking...tell us what you truly feel."
In the back of my mind I think I heard Cheena say those words...but I don't even remember anymore I just remember bringing my hand up from my side and sending it flying across my son's face. I could not control it anymore, he was pushing my buttons and purposely taunting me. As if the fact that he was my son was going to shield him away from my anger. "How dare you!?" I hissed out towards him, my body still shaking from the impact of the slap. It was now my turn to deliver the cold glares. I narrowed my eyes at my son. "I didn't raise you to be this way. I didn't slave away raising you alone just to have you repay me this way in the end!!" I broke my words off long enough to turn and give a glare to Cheena. "And you... I thought you to be my daughter, the one I never had. Why do you have to be this way!! WHY?!" I wiped the stubborn tears away from my eyes, why wouldn't they just stay in Dammit?! "It's killing me!" I finally admitted.
Cheena walked over to her husband, dismissing my glare to her without a second thought. Once she was comfortably at his side she turned her eyes back to me. By now, I was getting use to it. "Killing you?" She asked me in a mixture of resentment and confusion. Her voice began to rise in volume nearly double what it once has been. I swore a wall behind me shook. "KILLING YOU!? DON'T YOU DARE SAY ANYTHING IS KILLING YOU. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!! I SURE AS HELL DO!! DON'T YOU DARE PLAY VICTIM HERE! DON'T!!!" Taking a deep breath she turned over to her husband, as if making sure that he were all right. I'm sure he was, I might have slapped him my hardest but it must have been nothing but a bit of discomfort for Trunks. He, like his father, had the power to kill me in an instant. I'm sure a small slap on the cheek didn't bother him at all.
Cheena brought my thoughts to a halt. "Your wrong Bulma...busy thinking of someone that you know damn well you best not go near...what the hell is wrong with you. I hope this is hurting you. I hope it tears the hell out of you."
Trunks finally reacted, for a moment I'm sure he was in a state of complete shock. "I don't know you.... I don't know you at all." He pushed me away from him, not as hard as we all knew he could. I don't understand why but it was obvious that he was holding back on me when I hadn't held back on him at all. I slapped him with all my frail body frame could give. "You're ruining everything. Thinking with him, wanting to be with him.... you're so wrong." His eyes turned to slits then he brought his hand up to his still red cheek. "You're not my mother." The second the words left his mouth I reached out for him, but it was too late. He had already turned his back away from me and started to walk on.
I dropped my hand to my side. It was useless to beg a Saiyan man. If time had thought me one thing, that was it. Suddenly Trunks turned to face me. Despite the look of murder in his eyes my heart sprung with a bit of hope. "And if you ever...mark my words, ever ruin our lives again, I'll have to deal with you personally." After that he turned his back on me, this time I was sure it was for good. He walked over to his wife who greeted him with a much kinder, gentler stare.
"Your brought this shit on yourself Bulma...all on yourself. I know what you'll do now...go cry and wait...typical...I can't believe you." Cheena mumbled to me softly, sighing between her words, and relaxing her glare, which now resided on me.
I brought my eyes between them both, taking in their appearances as if for the first time in a lifetime. "You two could never understand...ever." Before I knew what I was doing...I was speaking and the tears were pooling up in my eyes once more. "So hate me if you want. Kill me. I don't care anymore." I couldn't control my words, they were spilling from my mouth as easily as the tears were from my eyes. There was nothing I could do to stop them. "What I feel will never go away. It never has so now will be no exception." Then I turned on my heels having finally been fed up with this argument. The next couple of sentences that left my mouth I recall thinking and pondering over carefully, but it was not until I had glared at them and walked out of the room that I realized what I had exactly done. "Just.....leave. Both of you. OUT!! You two have no idea what it's like to feel the things I do... ache the way I do! Just get the fuck out of here!! I have no family with either one of you!"
I had just rid myself of my first born son, my only son, and his wife. A girl I had a hand in raising, a girl I considered my daughter and would have done anything for. When her screams of protest finally died down I realized they were really gone. I assume Trunks must have teleported her out of the lab.
When the knowledge of their departure sunk in fully I fell to my knees, allowing the tears to flow freely, rocking my body crazy. I remember thinking that they could not and would not ever understand how I was feeling. I remember pounding my first on the floor in pure furry while thinking that they would never know that they would never feel the way I do...losing my life slowly piece by piece, inch by inch, until finally I have nothing left at all. I recall now as I type biting down on my lip that night until it bled. The wound still remains on my cherry tinted lips, covered over with a thin layer of drying blood.
Then I remember turning my thoughts around completely, it was no longer about Trunks and Cheena leaving me, for the most part. Now it was about Goku, having said those things to me and leaving me all alone in this. Leaving me alone to deal with everyone, because I'm sure he knew that no one would accept us together. I looked up at the ceiling and hoped that he could somehow hear me.
How come you can't be with me? I know you'd make the pain go away? You'd have talked to them...I just can't handle these things alone.
As the night worn on I slowly struggled to find my way to bed.
I'm not as strong as you are....I can't hide my feelings for very long.
I parted back the covers of the bed then lay down, still wide-awake and contemplating my situation.
I can't just sit back and let my son walk out of my life, taking Cheena along with him
I shut my eyes tightly until I thought I had fused them shut with my own will to keep the tears inside of myself.
I just wish... you were here to make it all go away. I need you...someone...or anyone... but no one understands. I guess there's only one thing left for me to do...
Then the last thing I remember is crying...crying as hard as my body would allow. I cried until I thought I couldn't cry anymore then continued to weep some more. I must have sobbed out an ocean of sorrow, I could have drowned a person with my tears. But at least it offered me something, at least I knew I could cry.
I awoke this morning like a damn zombie. Walking around only for Kami knows what reason, being held together with nothing but tears and sorrow. Not even bitterness anymore lingered in my system. With every step I took I felt like I was going to snap into two pieces and die. Perhaps deep down that's what I was praying for. My tears had dried on my face and when I looked into the mirror I wanted to burst into tears all over again. I saw nothing worth while, no one worth living for. I felt ugly beyond words, I couldn't bare to look at myself. And I thought with resentment...Is that really me? Is that the world's richest woman? So this is what the media doesn't see....The media will never see a woman with bloodshot eyes, an unearthly pale face and age written in every line. Nope, I won't allow it. That's what make up is for.
So while putting on coat after coat of make up I remember feeling more and more like a fraud. Each layer of artificial perfection was everything I wasn't. I'm not rich, I'm not beautiful, and I'm not smart at all. If my head didn't grow such unique hair I'd be a waste. Oh who am I trying to kid? I am a waste... I take up space and take up air that someone else could be using.
Now I've written down everything I had to say. I can say no more. I feel tired...my finger once more aching with a dull familiar pain that comes after typing as much as I have today. I glance down at the computer counter...seven whole pages... 5,331 words. That's how much it took to explain the demons in my mind. The reason I walk around with nothing to do. My explanation for sadly being...a dead woman walking.
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