Disclaimer: Once again I do not own any WWE superstars nor do I own the
WWE.
~present day~ Matt was beginning to feel sick. He didn't want to think about this. He didn't want to watch it all happening again, his minds eye having missed no details. He could feel his breathing beginning to speed up and recognized the panic that was setting in. A completely wild and irrational thought slammed itself over and over through his head, that he's killed him. That the reason nobody had let him see Jeff or come in to tell him what was going on was because he had died. He'd asked and asked about Jeff and gotten only noncommittal answers. Why wouldn't they tell him? His mind played out the horror movie of memory over and over and panic overtook thought. He had to know. He climbed out of bed heedless of the IV line snaking into his hand. It came up short and he pulled it out absently not noticing or caring about the blood flowing from the wound. He nearly fell trying to walk but ignored the difficulty holding on the walls and furniture for balance. He stumbled out into the hall and all but fell into the arms of the nurse who was coming in to check on him. He pulled away from her, his eyes frantic. "I want to see my brother. You have to let me see him!" He was very nearly screaming the words and the sound of his voice brought Adam from a room a few doors down. He stared, wordless, and their eyes connected. Matt's words trailed off then and his eyes narrowed. Adam. There. So that meant...nodding to himself, he headed for the room, shoving off the restraining hand of the nurse. Adam looked to her and nodded.
"It's okay. Had to happen sometime." He stopped Matt in the doorway none too gently. "I'm gonna let you in and you can see what you did. But don't touch him. Don't even go near him. Because I swear, Matt, if you lay a finger on him I will kill you. Kill you. I mean it." His voice was cold and horribly devoid of emotion and Matt didn't doubt him for a second. His heart was breaking. He didn't need to see what he'd done. He already knew but he had to see Jeff. He looked into Adam eyes and his voice was a whisper. "I won't hurt him, Adam. I won't touch him. I just need to see him." Adam nodded shortly and stepped out of the way. Matt stepped into the room and got his first look at his brother since they'd been brought in two nights ago. Jeff looked up at him and the full memory of what had happened sliced into both of them at once.
~two evenings previous~ "What the hell are you doing?"
Jeff looked up at his older brother, never noticing the menace in his voice. He saw two Matt's and he became worried. "Matt?" He squinted and tried to focus. The two Matt's blurred together and for one instant he saw his brother staring at him, a frown on his face, before his eyes divided his Matt again. He was getting scared. "Matt?" he again pitifully whimpered. The lights in the room swirled and they appeared to vanish into a smoky haze. The room felt like it was getting smaller and Jeff suddenly was having trouble breathing. His breath came out in rasps and he gasped trying to get air in his lungs. The only thing that kept him from panic was the thought that Matt was here. Matt was here. Matt would help him.
"Why are you in my stuff?" Matt didn't have time to play name games with his brother. He was seriously pissed. How dare Jeff even think of coming into this room let alone take his stuff. On top of that, he had Stacy waiting in the other room. He was feeling antsy again and wanted to get back to her but right now he was more concerned with teaching Jeff a lesson. He never even noticed the younger man's distress. His biggest concern was finding out how much of his stuff Jeff had taken so he could get more. That and the horrible fear that he'd be found out. Somewhere inside him he could almost hear a voice, "he'll tell. You have to stop him, he'll tell."
Jeff shook his head trying to clear the cobwebs. The room seemed to be spinning now, spinning out of control and Jeff had to grab the wall for support. The TV was still on in the other room and it made a hollow echoing sound that invaded his mind. He was afraid that maybe he was hearing voices as the noise filled his head. Where was Matt? Where had he gone? What was happening to him?
Matt was getting more upset by the second. He clenched and unclenched his fists, curling his fingers into tight balls. "How could you do this? How?" He stood there hating Jeff more with every passing moment. He was ruining everything. His anger finally boiled over, completely out of his control.
"Matt, I." Jeff tried to form words but everything was a jumble in his head. He was so scared. He wanted Matt to tell him he was going to be okay because he wasn't so sure.
"You are so dead!"
The sudden shout caused Jeff's head to shoot up. His eyes finally focused and they saw that Matt looked dead serious and completely insane. His brother lunged for him and Jeff couldn't move fast enough. Matt grabbed his wrist twisting it. Jeff cried out in pain and tried to jerk free.
Seeing that Jeff had something clutched in his hand, Matt screamed, "DROP IT!" He twisted Jeff's arm a little further and Jeff shouted again. Matt slapped his brother's hand and the four pills that he had been holding dropped to the floor.
"Stay out of my stuff!" Matt was beyond angry. He had to make Jeff pay. Jeff had to learn he just couldn't come in and take his stuff like this and get away with it. Sweat trickled down his face, dripped off his chin, and he swiped at a drop that slid into his eye causing his vision to blur. His hesitation allowed Jeff to squirm free of his brother's grip and back off. Matt growled deep in his throat. His hatred for Jeff was increasing with every passing moment. "You better run cause I'm not finished with you!"
Jeff's eyes grew wide. He turned and implored his feet to move. They did clumsily at first but regaining strength with every step. Jeff burst out of the room and ran for the stairs, Matt hot on his heels. Matt was yelling at him but he ignored the cursing and practically threw himself down the last flight of stairs. The door swung open and Jeff ran out into the cold rainy night.
"GET BACK HERE!" Matt was running so fast he thought his heart would burst out of his chest. He watched as Jeff ran across the parking lot and started up a small grassy incline. Jeff's sneakers slipped in the wet grass and he lost his footing sliding on his knees partway down the hill. Desperately he tried to grab onto the grass to pull himself up but it was too late. Matt was on him. He felt his brother grab him and flip him onto his back and looked up into the eyes of a murderous stranger.
Matt was completely out of control. He was looking at Jeff and seeing everything he hated, everything that frightened him, everything he desperately wanted to end. He barely saw his brother through the rage that had taken him over. Screaming obscenities that were almost drowned out by the thunder rumbling above. His fists flew out of control, pummeling Jeff in the chest, arms, stomach, legs, a few blows smashing into Jeff's head leaving brilliant colors in front of his eyes. Jeff writhed in pain, crying, putting his arms over his head trying to protect himself. Matt couldn't hurt Jeff enough. Nothing he did was enough. He stood up and stomped his feet into the man's chest, not caring that Jeff couldn't breathe, not able to stop until he slipped in the wet grass and landed on top of his brother. He continued to ram his fists anywhere he could stopping only when he suddenly realized that Jeff was gagging and shoved him away in disgust. Jeff rolled over on his side and vomited a mess of food, foam, and blood. Seeing the blood, Matt's eyes grew wide and a tiny bit of sanity returned. Lightning crashed and lit up the sky a brilliant white, so bright it looked like day. Matt's breath caught in his throat when he saw what he had done to his brother. There was blood dripping down the side of his face slowly darkening his already soaked hair. Jeff's left eye was swollen shut; his lips were swollen and bleeding. Blood ran from his nose and mouth in a tide. Too much bleeding. There were huge purplish welts and gouges on his arms. Horror sank into Matt as he realized that he had done this and that this was Jeff. Terror sliced claws into him when he saw that Jeff was no longer moving.
"Jeff?" Matt almost whimpered. He shook his brother but Jeff's eyes remained closed. "Jeff!" He shook him harder. "JEFF! JEFF LOOK AT ME!" Matt's cries became hysterical. "Jeff wake up, please! Wake up!!!" Matt tried to lift Jeff but ended up collapsing on the ground next to his brother's motionless form. Screaming, Matt grabbed Jeff and pulled him onto his lap wrapping his arms around him not able to form words just incoherent cries rocking back and forth. Cradling Jeff in his arms, he kissed the top of his brother's head, clutching him even tighter. "Jeff, please," he whispered. "Please, please, please." he trailed off, the words still coming out more like moans. Rage had faded leaving him alone with himself and the battered form of someone he would have died to protect but had instead very nearly killed. He sobbed into his brother's hair. "Oh god, Jeff, oh god. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry."
When the hand suddenly gripped his shoulder, he screamed.
Jay looked grimly down at the boys soaking wet in the grass. He'd known this was coming. Matt's temper had been flaring up readily at the slightest provocation. He'd been sampling Stacy's cornucopia of chemicals quite liberally and his behavior had become downright frightening. Still, he hadn't for a minute dreamed it would be Jeff who would catch the brunt of it. Matt had done quite a job on him. He grasped Matt's arm none too gently. "Did you do this?"
Matt's eyes dropped to the ground, all the answer Jay needed. He nodded and squatted down next to Jeff. "I'm gonna take him inside, Matt, you have to let him go." He could see the panicky way Matt was holding his brother and knew it was going to be a struggle to get Jeff away from him. For a moment he debated simply yanking him away. He could do it but he also knew it would set Matt off again and above all he wanted to avoid more violence. He forced himself to relax and to calm his tone of voice. "Matt, c'mon. He's getting soaked. I'm just gonna take him inside. You come too." Matt, beyond rational, never really responded. He clutched Jeff tighter and a high keening whine began to come out of him. Jay sighed. This was just going to be horrible all the way around. He reached out and gently stopped Matt who had begun rocking again and firmed up his tone. "Matt. He is going inside. I'm not gonna argue. He needs help. Look at him." Matt looked up at Jay and the blankness in his eyes disappeared replaced by emotion Jay couldn't identify. He stood up dropping Jeff in the grass, seemingly having forgotten he was holding him. "I can't do this anymore." His voice was a growl. "You don't understand. I can't stand it and there's no place to go!" Jay nodded but took the opportunity to scoop Jeff up off the ground and get to his feet. Wherever Matt was going with this, he didn't much care. Jeff had taken god knew how much of god knew what and had the hell beaten out of him. Matt's wired out tantrum could wait. Ignoring the man's insane ranting which was going on and on, he strode with Jeff into his room.
Matt watched him go, the flood of words was shut off as if with a faucet. Nobody cared. There was an insane rage roaring in his head and a nearly suicidal sadness. He sank back down onto the grass and dropped his head onto his arms. His hands gripped handfuls of hair and he was rocking again. Beyond crying, beyond words, he stayed there. Alone and all but forgotten in the rain.
~two nights previous~ He had to get away from them. It was all too much. There was no dealing with it, not with the way they weren't looking at him, or the way they weren't speaking to him. It wasn't his fault, was it? He hadn't meant it, had he? Maybe he had. He just didn't know. He just knew he hated himself. There was nothing about himself he could live with. They were all right. They hated him now, and he agreed. He glanced at Adam and he averted his eyes. Mental nod, he couldn't even look at him. His own best friend hated him. He couldn't take it anymore; ht couldn't take their non-stares. He slipped away, knowing that they wouldn't come after him. Why look for someone who shouldn't even exist?
He found a bathroom and drifted inside. Cold in here. Smelled like perfume. No matter, who cared? He shut himself into one of the stalls and locked the door. Déjà vu. He'd done this before. Who cared? He dug into his pocket, pulled out two crumpled plastic baggies, and sat down. For the slightest moment, the thought "don't do this" flashed through his mind, barely registered and nowhere near enough to make him stop.
He dumped the contents of the baggies, about two dozen colored tablets and capsules, into his hand, and stopped for a moment, his eyes glazed and unfocused. He mumbled to himself for a moment, perhaps a prayer, and then tipped the tabs into his mouth. He chewed them, swallowed, and sat back, eyes dull. Beyond fear, beyond tears, numb. Waiting. Soon nausea set in and he fought it, he wasn't going to let himself throw tem up. Soon enough it faded, and he began to drift. His last clear impression was the smell of cheap perfume.
~present day~ Matt and Jeff stared at each other, neither of them able to speak. Matt was nearly insane with conflicting emotion. He wanted nothing more than to go to Jeff and hold him and never let go. He wanted him to know he hadn't meant it, that he'd rather die than hurt him, that he wished he HAD died, that he loved him, that he was sorry. But he stood there, too afraid and hurt by the fear he saw in Jeff's eyes to go near him.
Jeff was in much the same state. He wanted Matt to tell him it was all okay. He wanted Matt to make it go away. He wanted Matt. But he was terrified. He couldn't forget the hate he'd seen in those eyes and the pain he had suffered at those hands. He stared at his brother hoping against hope, yet terribly afraid that Matt would come over.
Nobody spoke. They stayed that way each frozen in his own fear and longing for what seemed like hours. The spell was finally broke when a hand gently touched Matt's shoulder. He jumped, turned, and found himself looking into Amy's eyes. For a moment he was afraid to keep contact, afraid he'd read hate there but when he finally made himself look he saw concern and love. Nothing else. Everything in him broke then and tears he'd been fighting finally came. She nodded. Much as she hated to see him in pain, she'd been waiting for this, for some sign that he could care. That he could feel. The nurses had told her that other than hysteria when Matt woke up initially, he'd been very neutral, almost numb. They'd been waiting for it to break. She held him for a little while, letting him get this out of him, and finally led him to a chair near the bed and sat him down. She waited a little until he had calmed down somewhat eyeing him, Adam, and Jeff alternately. She didn't like the way Jeff looked. He was too pale and had edged as far away from Matt as he could get. He was obviously scared to death and she couldn't blame him. Adam was shooting death looks across the room at Matt and she wasn't looking forward to what might happen if he snapped. She watched this for a few minutes and decided it was hightime to get Matt out of there before all hell broke loose. The tension in the other two boys was just too high. She took Matt's arm and gently pulled him to his feet. "Come on, you need to go back to your room now." She nodded in Adam's general direction and gestured toward Jeff. Adam understood. She was worried that Jeff wouldn't be dealing with this well. She had nearly made it out the door when Matt stopped.
Jeff saw his brother stop and turn and the panic he'd been holding back suddenly burst out of him. He had to get away from him. He had to. He couldn't be hurt like that again. He bolted upright and was out of the bed and running.
When Matt saw Jeff suddenly scramble over the side of the bed and run, rational thought left him. There was no anger left. He was terrified. He had to stop him. He couldn't live with this. Jeff couldn't run from him.
It all happened too fast for Amy. One minute she was guiding Matt out of the room and the next he was gone and Jeff was screaming.
Adam saw Jeff run and moved to stop him, not quick enough for Matt, who intercepted Jeff on his way by. Both men were weak and the momentum knocked them both off their feet. To Adam's eyes, Matt was after Jeff again and he yanked him up by the first thing he could reach, his hair. Matt turned on him, eyes flashing, and screamed in his face. "You let me go!! You let go!!" He ripped his head away and scrambled after Jeff who was desperately trying to get to his feet. He caught him and dragged him close to him ignoring both Jeff's screams and Adam's attempts to pull him away.
Matt was oblivious to the others in the room, even Adam's tugs and blows were something from another level. He was focused of Jeff. Jeff was afraid of him. He held the younger man in a death grip, unaware that he was frightening him more. He just couldnt let him go.
Adam was powerless. He couldn't get Matt off of Jeff. He was close to losing control and seriously hurting him when Amy stepped in. She'd seen that Matt was in no way hurting or going to hurt Jeff but she was afraid that if the three of them kept struggling someone would end up hurt. She took Adam's arm firmly and pulled him away. He started to protest. "You cant." but Amy cut him off. "He's not gonna hurt him! Look! Just look!" He tore out of her grasp and started toward the boys but he did look and what he saw halted him in his tracks.
"Matt, no! Let go! Please let go! I'm sorry, I'm so sorry! I don't know what I did. Please let me go. Please don't hurt me!" The flood of screams from Jeff were breaking Matt's heart. He wasn't going to hurt him. He'd never hurt him. He loved him. He didn't know what to do but he couldn't let him up. He had to make him see somehow that it was okay. That he hadn't meant it. He heard the cries from his brother and felt his eyes filling up. He didn't fight it. He couldn't but anger rose up in him again, this time at himself. He had done this. He had done this to Jeff. And now look at them.
Matt sat up, still straddling Jeff's legs, but he released his arms. He looked heavenward, again that nearly silent mumble, and then bracing himself, he reached down and took hold of Jeff's head in both hands. He stopped his thrashing and shouted directly into his face. "Jeff, I'm not gonna hurt you! Stop! I'm not gonna do anything!" His shouts startled Jeff as had the sudden immobilization of his head and he stopped screaming and stared. His eyes rolled wildly. He was scared. He could feel his heart pounding. He had to make Matt let him go. He nodded frantically. "OK, Matt, OK. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Please let me go. I won't tell anyone. Please. Please." Matt overrode him. "I'm not gonna do anything! Jeff I'm your brother!"
At that, all of the steel in Jeff, and there was a great deal of it, rose up and the anger he'd been denying finally flooded him. The words "I'm your brother" were all it took. He sat up suddenly unbalancing Matt and got right back in his face. "I know! And look what you did to me!!! I didn't even do anything!!!" His fist shot out and connected with Matt's head knocking him to one side. Jeff never even stopped for breath. A moment later his hand flashed out again and this time he found a voice. "I never even did anything!! I was looking for you! Look what you did!! How could you do this?! How could you do this to me?! Look what you did!!" He was punctuating his words with blows and Matt was taking it, just letting it come. His hysteria had faded and he was drained. He deserved what Jeff was giving him and he accepted it numbly.
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~present day~ Matt was beginning to feel sick. He didn't want to think about this. He didn't want to watch it all happening again, his minds eye having missed no details. He could feel his breathing beginning to speed up and recognized the panic that was setting in. A completely wild and irrational thought slammed itself over and over through his head, that he's killed him. That the reason nobody had let him see Jeff or come in to tell him what was going on was because he had died. He'd asked and asked about Jeff and gotten only noncommittal answers. Why wouldn't they tell him? His mind played out the horror movie of memory over and over and panic overtook thought. He had to know. He climbed out of bed heedless of the IV line snaking into his hand. It came up short and he pulled it out absently not noticing or caring about the blood flowing from the wound. He nearly fell trying to walk but ignored the difficulty holding on the walls and furniture for balance. He stumbled out into the hall and all but fell into the arms of the nurse who was coming in to check on him. He pulled away from her, his eyes frantic. "I want to see my brother. You have to let me see him!" He was very nearly screaming the words and the sound of his voice brought Adam from a room a few doors down. He stared, wordless, and their eyes connected. Matt's words trailed off then and his eyes narrowed. Adam. There. So that meant...nodding to himself, he headed for the room, shoving off the restraining hand of the nurse. Adam looked to her and nodded.
"It's okay. Had to happen sometime." He stopped Matt in the doorway none too gently. "I'm gonna let you in and you can see what you did. But don't touch him. Don't even go near him. Because I swear, Matt, if you lay a finger on him I will kill you. Kill you. I mean it." His voice was cold and horribly devoid of emotion and Matt didn't doubt him for a second. His heart was breaking. He didn't need to see what he'd done. He already knew but he had to see Jeff. He looked into Adam eyes and his voice was a whisper. "I won't hurt him, Adam. I won't touch him. I just need to see him." Adam nodded shortly and stepped out of the way. Matt stepped into the room and got his first look at his brother since they'd been brought in two nights ago. Jeff looked up at him and the full memory of what had happened sliced into both of them at once.
~two evenings previous~ "What the hell are you doing?"
Jeff looked up at his older brother, never noticing the menace in his voice. He saw two Matt's and he became worried. "Matt?" He squinted and tried to focus. The two Matt's blurred together and for one instant he saw his brother staring at him, a frown on his face, before his eyes divided his Matt again. He was getting scared. "Matt?" he again pitifully whimpered. The lights in the room swirled and they appeared to vanish into a smoky haze. The room felt like it was getting smaller and Jeff suddenly was having trouble breathing. His breath came out in rasps and he gasped trying to get air in his lungs. The only thing that kept him from panic was the thought that Matt was here. Matt was here. Matt would help him.
"Why are you in my stuff?" Matt didn't have time to play name games with his brother. He was seriously pissed. How dare Jeff even think of coming into this room let alone take his stuff. On top of that, he had Stacy waiting in the other room. He was feeling antsy again and wanted to get back to her but right now he was more concerned with teaching Jeff a lesson. He never even noticed the younger man's distress. His biggest concern was finding out how much of his stuff Jeff had taken so he could get more. That and the horrible fear that he'd be found out. Somewhere inside him he could almost hear a voice, "he'll tell. You have to stop him, he'll tell."
Jeff shook his head trying to clear the cobwebs. The room seemed to be spinning now, spinning out of control and Jeff had to grab the wall for support. The TV was still on in the other room and it made a hollow echoing sound that invaded his mind. He was afraid that maybe he was hearing voices as the noise filled his head. Where was Matt? Where had he gone? What was happening to him?
Matt was getting more upset by the second. He clenched and unclenched his fists, curling his fingers into tight balls. "How could you do this? How?" He stood there hating Jeff more with every passing moment. He was ruining everything. His anger finally boiled over, completely out of his control.
"Matt, I." Jeff tried to form words but everything was a jumble in his head. He was so scared. He wanted Matt to tell him he was going to be okay because he wasn't so sure.
"You are so dead!"
The sudden shout caused Jeff's head to shoot up. His eyes finally focused and they saw that Matt looked dead serious and completely insane. His brother lunged for him and Jeff couldn't move fast enough. Matt grabbed his wrist twisting it. Jeff cried out in pain and tried to jerk free.
Seeing that Jeff had something clutched in his hand, Matt screamed, "DROP IT!" He twisted Jeff's arm a little further and Jeff shouted again. Matt slapped his brother's hand and the four pills that he had been holding dropped to the floor.
"Stay out of my stuff!" Matt was beyond angry. He had to make Jeff pay. Jeff had to learn he just couldn't come in and take his stuff like this and get away with it. Sweat trickled down his face, dripped off his chin, and he swiped at a drop that slid into his eye causing his vision to blur. His hesitation allowed Jeff to squirm free of his brother's grip and back off. Matt growled deep in his throat. His hatred for Jeff was increasing with every passing moment. "You better run cause I'm not finished with you!"
Jeff's eyes grew wide. He turned and implored his feet to move. They did clumsily at first but regaining strength with every step. Jeff burst out of the room and ran for the stairs, Matt hot on his heels. Matt was yelling at him but he ignored the cursing and practically threw himself down the last flight of stairs. The door swung open and Jeff ran out into the cold rainy night.
"GET BACK HERE!" Matt was running so fast he thought his heart would burst out of his chest. He watched as Jeff ran across the parking lot and started up a small grassy incline. Jeff's sneakers slipped in the wet grass and he lost his footing sliding on his knees partway down the hill. Desperately he tried to grab onto the grass to pull himself up but it was too late. Matt was on him. He felt his brother grab him and flip him onto his back and looked up into the eyes of a murderous stranger.
Matt was completely out of control. He was looking at Jeff and seeing everything he hated, everything that frightened him, everything he desperately wanted to end. He barely saw his brother through the rage that had taken him over. Screaming obscenities that were almost drowned out by the thunder rumbling above. His fists flew out of control, pummeling Jeff in the chest, arms, stomach, legs, a few blows smashing into Jeff's head leaving brilliant colors in front of his eyes. Jeff writhed in pain, crying, putting his arms over his head trying to protect himself. Matt couldn't hurt Jeff enough. Nothing he did was enough. He stood up and stomped his feet into the man's chest, not caring that Jeff couldn't breathe, not able to stop until he slipped in the wet grass and landed on top of his brother. He continued to ram his fists anywhere he could stopping only when he suddenly realized that Jeff was gagging and shoved him away in disgust. Jeff rolled over on his side and vomited a mess of food, foam, and blood. Seeing the blood, Matt's eyes grew wide and a tiny bit of sanity returned. Lightning crashed and lit up the sky a brilliant white, so bright it looked like day. Matt's breath caught in his throat when he saw what he had done to his brother. There was blood dripping down the side of his face slowly darkening his already soaked hair. Jeff's left eye was swollen shut; his lips were swollen and bleeding. Blood ran from his nose and mouth in a tide. Too much bleeding. There were huge purplish welts and gouges on his arms. Horror sank into Matt as he realized that he had done this and that this was Jeff. Terror sliced claws into him when he saw that Jeff was no longer moving.
"Jeff?" Matt almost whimpered. He shook his brother but Jeff's eyes remained closed. "Jeff!" He shook him harder. "JEFF! JEFF LOOK AT ME!" Matt's cries became hysterical. "Jeff wake up, please! Wake up!!!" Matt tried to lift Jeff but ended up collapsing on the ground next to his brother's motionless form. Screaming, Matt grabbed Jeff and pulled him onto his lap wrapping his arms around him not able to form words just incoherent cries rocking back and forth. Cradling Jeff in his arms, he kissed the top of his brother's head, clutching him even tighter. "Jeff, please," he whispered. "Please, please, please." he trailed off, the words still coming out more like moans. Rage had faded leaving him alone with himself and the battered form of someone he would have died to protect but had instead very nearly killed. He sobbed into his brother's hair. "Oh god, Jeff, oh god. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry."
When the hand suddenly gripped his shoulder, he screamed.
Jay looked grimly down at the boys soaking wet in the grass. He'd known this was coming. Matt's temper had been flaring up readily at the slightest provocation. He'd been sampling Stacy's cornucopia of chemicals quite liberally and his behavior had become downright frightening. Still, he hadn't for a minute dreamed it would be Jeff who would catch the brunt of it. Matt had done quite a job on him. He grasped Matt's arm none too gently. "Did you do this?"
Matt's eyes dropped to the ground, all the answer Jay needed. He nodded and squatted down next to Jeff. "I'm gonna take him inside, Matt, you have to let him go." He could see the panicky way Matt was holding his brother and knew it was going to be a struggle to get Jeff away from him. For a moment he debated simply yanking him away. He could do it but he also knew it would set Matt off again and above all he wanted to avoid more violence. He forced himself to relax and to calm his tone of voice. "Matt, c'mon. He's getting soaked. I'm just gonna take him inside. You come too." Matt, beyond rational, never really responded. He clutched Jeff tighter and a high keening whine began to come out of him. Jay sighed. This was just going to be horrible all the way around. He reached out and gently stopped Matt who had begun rocking again and firmed up his tone. "Matt. He is going inside. I'm not gonna argue. He needs help. Look at him." Matt looked up at Jay and the blankness in his eyes disappeared replaced by emotion Jay couldn't identify. He stood up dropping Jeff in the grass, seemingly having forgotten he was holding him. "I can't do this anymore." His voice was a growl. "You don't understand. I can't stand it and there's no place to go!" Jay nodded but took the opportunity to scoop Jeff up off the ground and get to his feet. Wherever Matt was going with this, he didn't much care. Jeff had taken god knew how much of god knew what and had the hell beaten out of him. Matt's wired out tantrum could wait. Ignoring the man's insane ranting which was going on and on, he strode with Jeff into his room.
Matt watched him go, the flood of words was shut off as if with a faucet. Nobody cared. There was an insane rage roaring in his head and a nearly suicidal sadness. He sank back down onto the grass and dropped his head onto his arms. His hands gripped handfuls of hair and he was rocking again. Beyond crying, beyond words, he stayed there. Alone and all but forgotten in the rain.
~two nights previous~ He had to get away from them. It was all too much. There was no dealing with it, not with the way they weren't looking at him, or the way they weren't speaking to him. It wasn't his fault, was it? He hadn't meant it, had he? Maybe he had. He just didn't know. He just knew he hated himself. There was nothing about himself he could live with. They were all right. They hated him now, and he agreed. He glanced at Adam and he averted his eyes. Mental nod, he couldn't even look at him. His own best friend hated him. He couldn't take it anymore; ht couldn't take their non-stares. He slipped away, knowing that they wouldn't come after him. Why look for someone who shouldn't even exist?
He found a bathroom and drifted inside. Cold in here. Smelled like perfume. No matter, who cared? He shut himself into one of the stalls and locked the door. Déjà vu. He'd done this before. Who cared? He dug into his pocket, pulled out two crumpled plastic baggies, and sat down. For the slightest moment, the thought "don't do this" flashed through his mind, barely registered and nowhere near enough to make him stop.
He dumped the contents of the baggies, about two dozen colored tablets and capsules, into his hand, and stopped for a moment, his eyes glazed and unfocused. He mumbled to himself for a moment, perhaps a prayer, and then tipped the tabs into his mouth. He chewed them, swallowed, and sat back, eyes dull. Beyond fear, beyond tears, numb. Waiting. Soon nausea set in and he fought it, he wasn't going to let himself throw tem up. Soon enough it faded, and he began to drift. His last clear impression was the smell of cheap perfume.
~present day~ Matt and Jeff stared at each other, neither of them able to speak. Matt was nearly insane with conflicting emotion. He wanted nothing more than to go to Jeff and hold him and never let go. He wanted him to know he hadn't meant it, that he'd rather die than hurt him, that he wished he HAD died, that he loved him, that he was sorry. But he stood there, too afraid and hurt by the fear he saw in Jeff's eyes to go near him.
Jeff was in much the same state. He wanted Matt to tell him it was all okay. He wanted Matt to make it go away. He wanted Matt. But he was terrified. He couldn't forget the hate he'd seen in those eyes and the pain he had suffered at those hands. He stared at his brother hoping against hope, yet terribly afraid that Matt would come over.
Nobody spoke. They stayed that way each frozen in his own fear and longing for what seemed like hours. The spell was finally broke when a hand gently touched Matt's shoulder. He jumped, turned, and found himself looking into Amy's eyes. For a moment he was afraid to keep contact, afraid he'd read hate there but when he finally made himself look he saw concern and love. Nothing else. Everything in him broke then and tears he'd been fighting finally came. She nodded. Much as she hated to see him in pain, she'd been waiting for this, for some sign that he could care. That he could feel. The nurses had told her that other than hysteria when Matt woke up initially, he'd been very neutral, almost numb. They'd been waiting for it to break. She held him for a little while, letting him get this out of him, and finally led him to a chair near the bed and sat him down. She waited a little until he had calmed down somewhat eyeing him, Adam, and Jeff alternately. She didn't like the way Jeff looked. He was too pale and had edged as far away from Matt as he could get. He was obviously scared to death and she couldn't blame him. Adam was shooting death looks across the room at Matt and she wasn't looking forward to what might happen if he snapped. She watched this for a few minutes and decided it was hightime to get Matt out of there before all hell broke loose. The tension in the other two boys was just too high. She took Matt's arm and gently pulled him to his feet. "Come on, you need to go back to your room now." She nodded in Adam's general direction and gestured toward Jeff. Adam understood. She was worried that Jeff wouldn't be dealing with this well. She had nearly made it out the door when Matt stopped.
Jeff saw his brother stop and turn and the panic he'd been holding back suddenly burst out of him. He had to get away from him. He had to. He couldn't be hurt like that again. He bolted upright and was out of the bed and running.
When Matt saw Jeff suddenly scramble over the side of the bed and run, rational thought left him. There was no anger left. He was terrified. He had to stop him. He couldn't live with this. Jeff couldn't run from him.
It all happened too fast for Amy. One minute she was guiding Matt out of the room and the next he was gone and Jeff was screaming.
Adam saw Jeff run and moved to stop him, not quick enough for Matt, who intercepted Jeff on his way by. Both men were weak and the momentum knocked them both off their feet. To Adam's eyes, Matt was after Jeff again and he yanked him up by the first thing he could reach, his hair. Matt turned on him, eyes flashing, and screamed in his face. "You let me go!! You let go!!" He ripped his head away and scrambled after Jeff who was desperately trying to get to his feet. He caught him and dragged him close to him ignoring both Jeff's screams and Adam's attempts to pull him away.
Matt was oblivious to the others in the room, even Adam's tugs and blows were something from another level. He was focused of Jeff. Jeff was afraid of him. He held the younger man in a death grip, unaware that he was frightening him more. He just couldnt let him go.
Adam was powerless. He couldn't get Matt off of Jeff. He was close to losing control and seriously hurting him when Amy stepped in. She'd seen that Matt was in no way hurting or going to hurt Jeff but she was afraid that if the three of them kept struggling someone would end up hurt. She took Adam's arm firmly and pulled him away. He started to protest. "You cant." but Amy cut him off. "He's not gonna hurt him! Look! Just look!" He tore out of her grasp and started toward the boys but he did look and what he saw halted him in his tracks.
"Matt, no! Let go! Please let go! I'm sorry, I'm so sorry! I don't know what I did. Please let me go. Please don't hurt me!" The flood of screams from Jeff were breaking Matt's heart. He wasn't going to hurt him. He'd never hurt him. He loved him. He didn't know what to do but he couldn't let him up. He had to make him see somehow that it was okay. That he hadn't meant it. He heard the cries from his brother and felt his eyes filling up. He didn't fight it. He couldn't but anger rose up in him again, this time at himself. He had done this. He had done this to Jeff. And now look at them.
Matt sat up, still straddling Jeff's legs, but he released his arms. He looked heavenward, again that nearly silent mumble, and then bracing himself, he reached down and took hold of Jeff's head in both hands. He stopped his thrashing and shouted directly into his face. "Jeff, I'm not gonna hurt you! Stop! I'm not gonna do anything!" His shouts startled Jeff as had the sudden immobilization of his head and he stopped screaming and stared. His eyes rolled wildly. He was scared. He could feel his heart pounding. He had to make Matt let him go. He nodded frantically. "OK, Matt, OK. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Please let me go. I won't tell anyone. Please. Please." Matt overrode him. "I'm not gonna do anything! Jeff I'm your brother!"
At that, all of the steel in Jeff, and there was a great deal of it, rose up and the anger he'd been denying finally flooded him. The words "I'm your brother" were all it took. He sat up suddenly unbalancing Matt and got right back in his face. "I know! And look what you did to me!!! I didn't even do anything!!!" His fist shot out and connected with Matt's head knocking him to one side. Jeff never even stopped for breath. A moment later his hand flashed out again and this time he found a voice. "I never even did anything!! I was looking for you! Look what you did!! How could you do this?! How could you do this to me?! Look what you did!!" He was punctuating his words with blows and Matt was taking it, just letting it come. His hysteria had faded and he was drained. He deserved what Jeff was giving him and he accepted it numbly.
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