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WWE.
Matt padded down the hallway. His feet, only in socks, were chilled by the cold tiles. Stopping at Jeff's door, he knocked once then let himself in. Amy and Jeff were sitting up on his bed looking at a book.
"Amy," Matt whispered, sorry he had to interrupt. But Adam needed Amy and that couldn't wait.
"Matt, you should be in bed," Amy said as she looked at Matt who was supporting himself by leaning against the doorframe.
"Adam's sick. He needs you. He's still in my room."
Amy gave him a surprised look. "Adam's sick? What's the matter?"
"He's got another headache. Really bad one. It's making him sick." Matt gave Amy an urgent look.
"Oh no, not again." Amy hurriedly got up and set the book on Jeff's table. "Matt, you get back to bed," she said as she made her way out of the room.
Matt looked up at Jeff who was staring at his brother intently. Matt couldn't read his younger brother's face. Jeff was looking at Matt in a curious way almost as if he was an oddity that he was seeing for the first time and didn't quite know what to make of him. Their eyes locked and for a moment an unspoken challenge was made. Who would look away first? Finally Matt knew that if something wasn't said soon he would burst.
"They served me that yucky soup too," Matt said just as Jeff opened his mouth and began to speak.
Matt gave a nervous chuckle, "You go first," he offered.
"Is Adam ok?" Jeff asked again.
Matt sighed, his laughter fading. "I hope so. Those stupid headaches he gets are so bad. Amy will help him though."
"Yeah," Jeff said quietly. He picked up the spoon that lay in his soup bowl and absently stirred at the film that settled on top of the creamy substance. Making a disgusted face, he set the spoon down and sighed. "This food sucks. I just want.what was that?" Jeff looked over at Matt whose head was hung.
Matt glanced up and repeated himself. "I said I'm sorry," he whispered.
Jeff's eyes took his brother in. From across the room he could see the bloodshot eyes, the black and blue bags underneath, how his arm shook as it held him up against the door. He looked away, afraid to see his brother like this. Matt looked like an old man. "I know," Jeff whispered back.
"I never meant for things to get like this. I never meant to hurt anyone, especially not you, Jeff. I love you. I hate myself for what I've done to you. To us."
"Matt, I." Jeff trailed off. He didn't really know what to say. A part of him wanted to believe his brother, wanted this so badly it hurt. But another part, just a small part, wasn't sure if he could ever trust Matt again. He just couldn't comprehend how someone who said they loved him could hurt him so badly. Jeff wasn't angry anymore. That rage had left him the instant his fist had last connected with Matt's head. But he was sad. Sad that things were probably never going to be the same ever again. They might make up and go back to hanging out and having fun. But that knowledge that Matt had hurt him would still be there lingering and Jeff knew that no matter what he would never be able to let that go.
"Jeff, I love you. I..Jeff, you don't have to be afraid. I wasn't." he broke off, his eyes pleading with Jeff. He didn't know what to say. He was just so tired. He leaned his head against the doorframe and shut his eyes for a minute. He knew he should leave but he needed to catch his breath first.
Jeff saw Matt shut his eyes and slump against the door. For a moment, afraid he thought he'd just passed out there. He sat forward, worried. "Matt!" Matt opened his eyes. "Sorry. I'm gonna go now." He stepped away from the door and immediately grabbed for the wall, dizzy. He laughed a little. This was crazy. He was too tired to breathe. He jumped a little when a hand took his arm. He looked down and saw Jeff holding more than a little of his weight looking worriedly at him. "Matt, you better sit down. Are you really supposed to be up walking around? You look really gross." Matt snorted. "Thanks, so do you. No, I'm not." He let himself be led across the room and was more than a little surprised when Jeff gestured to him to sit on the bed. He did as he was told, too dizzy and tired to argue and Jeff climbed up next to him. He was staring into Matt's face with an intensity that made Matt distinctly uncomfortable. He backed up a little. "Jeff, what? Stop it."
Jeff looked down, suddenly feeling shy and awkward. He had so much he wanted to say but he didn't know where to start. He sighed and glanced up at his brother who was fiddling around with the tubing in his hand. He watched Matt pinch the tubing and his eyes widened when he saw some of his brother's blood back up into the clear channel. Matt let it go and watched it disappear and then did it again. Jeff's eyes lit up. "Cool! Matt, that's like so gross! Does it hurt?" Matt laughed, "No, it doesn't. I get bored, you know." Jeff was staring intently at Matt's hand. "Do that again. How high up the tube can you get it to go?" Matt smiled. "I got it all the way up to here," he indicated a spot halfway up his arm, "before I got caught and yelled at once. They don't like it much." "It won't hurt you, will it?" Matt shook his head. "No, I don't think so."
They fell silent again, each of them searching himself for the right words. They weren't fooling themselves with the small talk. They each knew they were putting it off.
Matt had been avoiding really looking at Jeff but now he made himself focus. He had done it after all. Looking at Jeff he again felt that huge ache settle into his soul. How could Jeff even stand to sit near him? He took inventory of what he'd done feeling his spirits sink lower every second. Jeff's face was very nearly unrecognizable. Both eyes were black and one was swollen nearly shut. His whole face was swollen really and riddled with little cuts and raw looking spots where the skin was gone. His lip was split and puffy. Looking closer Matt saw livid marks on the boy's neck that appeared to have been made by fingers and felt horror flood through him. "Oh my God. Did I have him by the throat?" He let his gaze wander to the boy's arms and saw more handprints where he'd been literally shaking him. He looked up into Jeff's eyes, his question unspoken but instantly understood.
Jeff gazed back at him for a moment and then pulled up the top of his pajamas so Matt could see the rest. Matt sighed bitterly, seeing the rainbow of bruises on his brother's body. Worse than that was the bandaging circling his chest. He glanced up, questioning, and Jeff nodded solemnly and pulled his top back down. "You busted a couple of ribs, Matt." Matt nodded. He could feel himself getting ready to cry again and desperately wanted not to. He didn't speak. He couldn't. Not yet.
Jeff waited. He didn't know what would happen now but Matt was here and now Matt knew. He watched his brother fighting tears and felt his own starting. He didn't care. He'd cried so much over the last day or two that he barely noticed. He cared more about what Matt was thinking. He didn't want to admit it but part of him was still afraid Matt would just go off and start pounding on him again. He wondered if he'd ever stop feeling that. He was still thinking along those lines when Matt's hand came at him.
Matt froze when he saw Jeff suddenly flinch away from the hand he'd reached out. He pulled his arm back and this time he couldn't blink away the tears. They spilled over and he let them. He hadn't been going to hit him. He'd just wanted to touch him. He shook his head and when he spoke his voice was thick, "Jeff, no, I.I wasn't gonna hurt you. Jeff." He stopped, not knowing what to say. He knew he couldn't make Jeff trust him.
Jeff nodded. He knew. He'd just been startled. But it had gone far enough. He sat forward and firmly took his brother's arms. He looked directly into Matt's eyes, refusing to look away and finally voiced the question everyone had been holding in. He asked it calmly this time, not in the grip of hysteria and this time he expected an answer.
"Matt, why? Why'd you do this?" Matt felt trapped by Jeff's stare. He couldn't look away.
Amy didn't really notice that Matt hadn't come back. She'd had all she could do to get Adam up off of the bathroom floor and back into bed. He hadn't meant to be uncooperative. He was simply in too much pain to really respond. Worry for him and an ensuing fight with a nurse over using the spare bed, "You know you're not putting anyone in here anyway. What does it matter?" had diverted her attention from the delayed arrival of Matt. Further argument with medical staff over getting something for Adam's migraine had further eaten up her attention. She was disgusted with them. The poor guy was in so much pain he couldn't even speak coherently and they had asked her if she had a Tylenol in her purse she could give him. She'd insisted that someone come in and look at him and even then they resisted doing anything about it. Her frustration over their lack of action had been mediated somewhat by the look on the woman's face when Adam had suddenly thrown up on her feet. Proud of him and biting her lip to keep from laughing, she'd whispered, "Go, Adam, good job," gently poking him in the arm. He'd smiled faintly and mumbled back, "Well y'do what you have to." Now, with Adam sleeping off the compazine they'd given him, as well as the headache, she sat back and propped her feet up on Matt's bed. It took a few minutes for it to sink in that his bed was empty. Empty? Where could he have gone? It came to her then that she had left him in Jeff's room. She jumped to her feet, "oh no," on her lips and took off down the hall to see what sort of eruption had occurred in her absence.
She stopped just outside Jeff's door. Chris, who had just arrived, was standing there gazing pensively into the room. He waved her over and pointed. She looked in, expecting the worst, and was nearly knocked off her feet. Matt and Jeff were sound asleep, their arms wrapped around one another, cheeks pressed together. Both faces were tearstained but both boys were sleeping peacefully. She glanced at Chris who looked as baffled as she felt. He pulled her a little ways out of the doorway, not wanting to wake them. "I don't want to leave him in there alone with Jeff. But I don't want to move him either." He shrugged helplessly.
She nodded. "Want to stay in here, or with Adam?" It disturbed her that neither of them trusted Matt alone with Jeff but there it was. She knew Chris would choose to go sit with Adam. He was so furious with both Matt and Jeff that he could barely see straight. As she had known, Chris started off down the hall, turning once to ask, "Why does someone need to sit with Adam?" She pointed to her forehead and his face fell. "Okay, I'm going. Is he over the worst of it?" She nodded and went into Jeff's room. She lightly brushed errant strands of hair out of the sleeping men's faces and with a guilty glance out the door, stretched out on the extra bed. Within minutes, all in the room were dreaming.
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Matt padded down the hallway. His feet, only in socks, were chilled by the cold tiles. Stopping at Jeff's door, he knocked once then let himself in. Amy and Jeff were sitting up on his bed looking at a book.
"Amy," Matt whispered, sorry he had to interrupt. But Adam needed Amy and that couldn't wait.
"Matt, you should be in bed," Amy said as she looked at Matt who was supporting himself by leaning against the doorframe.
"Adam's sick. He needs you. He's still in my room."
Amy gave him a surprised look. "Adam's sick? What's the matter?"
"He's got another headache. Really bad one. It's making him sick." Matt gave Amy an urgent look.
"Oh no, not again." Amy hurriedly got up and set the book on Jeff's table. "Matt, you get back to bed," she said as she made her way out of the room.
Matt looked up at Jeff who was staring at his brother intently. Matt couldn't read his younger brother's face. Jeff was looking at Matt in a curious way almost as if he was an oddity that he was seeing for the first time and didn't quite know what to make of him. Their eyes locked and for a moment an unspoken challenge was made. Who would look away first? Finally Matt knew that if something wasn't said soon he would burst.
"They served me that yucky soup too," Matt said just as Jeff opened his mouth and began to speak.
Matt gave a nervous chuckle, "You go first," he offered.
"Is Adam ok?" Jeff asked again.
Matt sighed, his laughter fading. "I hope so. Those stupid headaches he gets are so bad. Amy will help him though."
"Yeah," Jeff said quietly. He picked up the spoon that lay in his soup bowl and absently stirred at the film that settled on top of the creamy substance. Making a disgusted face, he set the spoon down and sighed. "This food sucks. I just want.what was that?" Jeff looked over at Matt whose head was hung.
Matt glanced up and repeated himself. "I said I'm sorry," he whispered.
Jeff's eyes took his brother in. From across the room he could see the bloodshot eyes, the black and blue bags underneath, how his arm shook as it held him up against the door. He looked away, afraid to see his brother like this. Matt looked like an old man. "I know," Jeff whispered back.
"I never meant for things to get like this. I never meant to hurt anyone, especially not you, Jeff. I love you. I hate myself for what I've done to you. To us."
"Matt, I." Jeff trailed off. He didn't really know what to say. A part of him wanted to believe his brother, wanted this so badly it hurt. But another part, just a small part, wasn't sure if he could ever trust Matt again. He just couldn't comprehend how someone who said they loved him could hurt him so badly. Jeff wasn't angry anymore. That rage had left him the instant his fist had last connected with Matt's head. But he was sad. Sad that things were probably never going to be the same ever again. They might make up and go back to hanging out and having fun. But that knowledge that Matt had hurt him would still be there lingering and Jeff knew that no matter what he would never be able to let that go.
"Jeff, I love you. I..Jeff, you don't have to be afraid. I wasn't." he broke off, his eyes pleading with Jeff. He didn't know what to say. He was just so tired. He leaned his head against the doorframe and shut his eyes for a minute. He knew he should leave but he needed to catch his breath first.
Jeff saw Matt shut his eyes and slump against the door. For a moment, afraid he thought he'd just passed out there. He sat forward, worried. "Matt!" Matt opened his eyes. "Sorry. I'm gonna go now." He stepped away from the door and immediately grabbed for the wall, dizzy. He laughed a little. This was crazy. He was too tired to breathe. He jumped a little when a hand took his arm. He looked down and saw Jeff holding more than a little of his weight looking worriedly at him. "Matt, you better sit down. Are you really supposed to be up walking around? You look really gross." Matt snorted. "Thanks, so do you. No, I'm not." He let himself be led across the room and was more than a little surprised when Jeff gestured to him to sit on the bed. He did as he was told, too dizzy and tired to argue and Jeff climbed up next to him. He was staring into Matt's face with an intensity that made Matt distinctly uncomfortable. He backed up a little. "Jeff, what? Stop it."
Jeff looked down, suddenly feeling shy and awkward. He had so much he wanted to say but he didn't know where to start. He sighed and glanced up at his brother who was fiddling around with the tubing in his hand. He watched Matt pinch the tubing and his eyes widened when he saw some of his brother's blood back up into the clear channel. Matt let it go and watched it disappear and then did it again. Jeff's eyes lit up. "Cool! Matt, that's like so gross! Does it hurt?" Matt laughed, "No, it doesn't. I get bored, you know." Jeff was staring intently at Matt's hand. "Do that again. How high up the tube can you get it to go?" Matt smiled. "I got it all the way up to here," he indicated a spot halfway up his arm, "before I got caught and yelled at once. They don't like it much." "It won't hurt you, will it?" Matt shook his head. "No, I don't think so."
They fell silent again, each of them searching himself for the right words. They weren't fooling themselves with the small talk. They each knew they were putting it off.
Matt had been avoiding really looking at Jeff but now he made himself focus. He had done it after all. Looking at Jeff he again felt that huge ache settle into his soul. How could Jeff even stand to sit near him? He took inventory of what he'd done feeling his spirits sink lower every second. Jeff's face was very nearly unrecognizable. Both eyes were black and one was swollen nearly shut. His whole face was swollen really and riddled with little cuts and raw looking spots where the skin was gone. His lip was split and puffy. Looking closer Matt saw livid marks on the boy's neck that appeared to have been made by fingers and felt horror flood through him. "Oh my God. Did I have him by the throat?" He let his gaze wander to the boy's arms and saw more handprints where he'd been literally shaking him. He looked up into Jeff's eyes, his question unspoken but instantly understood.
Jeff gazed back at him for a moment and then pulled up the top of his pajamas so Matt could see the rest. Matt sighed bitterly, seeing the rainbow of bruises on his brother's body. Worse than that was the bandaging circling his chest. He glanced up, questioning, and Jeff nodded solemnly and pulled his top back down. "You busted a couple of ribs, Matt." Matt nodded. He could feel himself getting ready to cry again and desperately wanted not to. He didn't speak. He couldn't. Not yet.
Jeff waited. He didn't know what would happen now but Matt was here and now Matt knew. He watched his brother fighting tears and felt his own starting. He didn't care. He'd cried so much over the last day or two that he barely noticed. He cared more about what Matt was thinking. He didn't want to admit it but part of him was still afraid Matt would just go off and start pounding on him again. He wondered if he'd ever stop feeling that. He was still thinking along those lines when Matt's hand came at him.
Matt froze when he saw Jeff suddenly flinch away from the hand he'd reached out. He pulled his arm back and this time he couldn't blink away the tears. They spilled over and he let them. He hadn't been going to hit him. He'd just wanted to touch him. He shook his head and when he spoke his voice was thick, "Jeff, no, I.I wasn't gonna hurt you. Jeff." He stopped, not knowing what to say. He knew he couldn't make Jeff trust him.
Jeff nodded. He knew. He'd just been startled. But it had gone far enough. He sat forward and firmly took his brother's arms. He looked directly into Matt's eyes, refusing to look away and finally voiced the question everyone had been holding in. He asked it calmly this time, not in the grip of hysteria and this time he expected an answer.
"Matt, why? Why'd you do this?" Matt felt trapped by Jeff's stare. He couldn't look away.
Amy didn't really notice that Matt hadn't come back. She'd had all she could do to get Adam up off of the bathroom floor and back into bed. He hadn't meant to be uncooperative. He was simply in too much pain to really respond. Worry for him and an ensuing fight with a nurse over using the spare bed, "You know you're not putting anyone in here anyway. What does it matter?" had diverted her attention from the delayed arrival of Matt. Further argument with medical staff over getting something for Adam's migraine had further eaten up her attention. She was disgusted with them. The poor guy was in so much pain he couldn't even speak coherently and they had asked her if she had a Tylenol in her purse she could give him. She'd insisted that someone come in and look at him and even then they resisted doing anything about it. Her frustration over their lack of action had been mediated somewhat by the look on the woman's face when Adam had suddenly thrown up on her feet. Proud of him and biting her lip to keep from laughing, she'd whispered, "Go, Adam, good job," gently poking him in the arm. He'd smiled faintly and mumbled back, "Well y'do what you have to." Now, with Adam sleeping off the compazine they'd given him, as well as the headache, she sat back and propped her feet up on Matt's bed. It took a few minutes for it to sink in that his bed was empty. Empty? Where could he have gone? It came to her then that she had left him in Jeff's room. She jumped to her feet, "oh no," on her lips and took off down the hall to see what sort of eruption had occurred in her absence.
She stopped just outside Jeff's door. Chris, who had just arrived, was standing there gazing pensively into the room. He waved her over and pointed. She looked in, expecting the worst, and was nearly knocked off her feet. Matt and Jeff were sound asleep, their arms wrapped around one another, cheeks pressed together. Both faces were tearstained but both boys were sleeping peacefully. She glanced at Chris who looked as baffled as she felt. He pulled her a little ways out of the doorway, not wanting to wake them. "I don't want to leave him in there alone with Jeff. But I don't want to move him either." He shrugged helplessly.
She nodded. "Want to stay in here, or with Adam?" It disturbed her that neither of them trusted Matt alone with Jeff but there it was. She knew Chris would choose to go sit with Adam. He was so furious with both Matt and Jeff that he could barely see straight. As she had known, Chris started off down the hall, turning once to ask, "Why does someone need to sit with Adam?" She pointed to her forehead and his face fell. "Okay, I'm going. Is he over the worst of it?" She nodded and went into Jeff's room. She lightly brushed errant strands of hair out of the sleeping men's faces and with a guilty glance out the door, stretched out on the extra bed. Within minutes, all in the room were dreaming.
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