Title: Missives
Author: ZenosParadox
Rating: PG-13
Summary: RS. A communications mishap illuminated through a series of letters.
Disclaimer: The Enterprise characters belong to Paramount. This fiction was written solely for personal enjoyment.
Author Note:
Began as a series of drabbles in the Dear Hoshi thread at the R/S forum at LD. PJinNH (aka, MHEListMom) came up with the idea of Malcolm's little intercomm problem, so I've incorporated it a bit more to make this sound more story-like instead of just an excerpt from a letter. Josephine (aka JosephineLL) introduced Hoshi's Aunt Midori in her letter.
The following is an expanded version of letters I wrote to capture the moment. On to the story...
MISSIVES
Intraship Memo
To: Captain Jonathan Archer
From: Sub-Commander T'Pol
RE: The Dangers of Love
Captain,
I must protest the manner in which you are handling the overt violation of fraternization rules by Lieutenant Reed.
His declaration of love for Ensign Sato over the intercom was awkward and inappropriate. He should have realized the unit would broadcast his words over the entire ship. My records show Lieutenant Reed's training in communications systems is at Level 2, in fact. How could he not know he was leaning on the button? It is entirely illogical.
Furthermore, since I was sitting across the table from Commander Tucker in the mess hall when Reed's proclamation was carried all over Enterprise, I was sprayed with a layer of sweetened iced tea. I did not realize humans could hold such a large volume of liquid in their mouth until I experienced the Commander's demonstration.
Doctor Phlox informed me that he was so surprised he fed his Arkonian slug to his Jeirian arachnid. Thus, our medical supplies have been compromised.
Further, Ensign Williams accidentally shot Ensign Kelly with a phase pistol he was cleaning during the interlude. Love is a dangerous thing, Captain.
I do not believe I need to describe the chaos that ensued in the galley when Chef confused the baking powder and baking soda while preparing dinner as a result of the announcement.
This declaration of love was a threat to the well-being of the ship, Captain.
It also took me two showers to get all of the tea residue out of my hair, although I must remind you that Vulcans are not vain. I also am in no way concerned that Lieutenant Reed is not on the bridge to appreciate my assets since he has been hiding in the Armory since his communications mishap.
I expect a firm response, Captain.
T'Pol
~~~~~
Intraship Memo
To: Sub-Commander T'Pol
From: Captain Jonathan Archer
RE: Reply to The Dangers of Love
T'Pol,
We humans have a saying that goes, "Love is blind."
Perhaps it's deaf and dimwitted as well?
I think the utter embarrassment of proclaiming his feelings to all and sundry is punishment enough for the Lieutenant. And let's not forget Hoshi in all this. Malcolm ran off to hide in the Armory so quickly that he never even got a response from her.
Now, I think this situation is like the penguins--or is it a puffin? Well, anyhow, some flightless bird on Earth has a mating ritual wherein the male gives a mighty call, but then retreats until his future mate sums up all his assets, that is, nest building skills, and then--
You know what? That sounds an awful lot like humans, too.
The whole point is, Sub-commander, stay out of it. It's the safest thing to do.
Jon Archer
~~~~~
Planet-to-ship Communication
Destination: The Enterprise
Attention: Hoshi Sato, my unmarried, childless daughter
Level: Of course it's urgent, it's your mother!
Dear Hoshi,
Listen to your mother. Having a man declare his love for you over the intercom is not something to worry about. There are more important things to consider.
First, does this man have a brain or is he completely clueless in his professional duties as he is in his social life? I will not have dim-witted grandchildren, Hoshi!
Second, does he have any sense of humor? I'm not talking the rambling jokes or potty humor sort of funny. Does he make you laugh, Hoshi, without hurting anyone else? I want my grandchildren to spend a lot of time happy and laughing.
Third, does he respect you, treat you like the smart woman you are? You've mentioned before that you work well together, but is that only because he barely tolerates you or because he listens to you? I want my grandchildren to show respect to others and they learn this from parents.
Finally, is he a good physical specimen? Of course you must check this out in detail before making your final commitment. I doubt the man is Japanese given a name like Malcolm Reed, but please don't tell me he's one of those hairy, gorilla types with body odor you can detect by mid-day! I won't have smelly, hairy grandsons, Hoshi!
Now, go take a nice bath or shower or whatever it is to relax and think about what you're going to say to him.
In case you haven't gotten a clue yet, Hoshi, I WANT SOME GRANDCHILDREN!
Your Mother
Who cannot yet be called Grandmother
~~~~~
Ship-to-Planet Communication
Source: The Enterprise
Transmitter: Ensign Hoshi Sato, Communications Officer
Level: Read this immediately
MOM!
Yes, I know you want grandchildren. It was obvious to me when you scoped out the roster of men on the Enterprise crew, put a check mark on the ones you deemed acceptable as "Future Fathers of my Grandchildren" and stuffed it in my trunk.
You'll be pleased to know that Malcolm passed your superficial inspection of physical characteristics. Here's what you noted under his picture.
1. Not hairy. Good.
2. Training record shows he has a brain. Good.
3. Respectful? Personal info indicates Navy family. Good.
4. Sense of humor? He is named Malcolm. Either has a sense of humor or expects everyone to call him by his middle name.
The question I have to ask myself is: do I want him to be the father of your grandchildren?
Love,
Hoshi
PS. I think my answer is YES.
~~~~~
Planet-to-ship Communication
Destination: The Enterprise
Attention: Lieutenant Malcolm Reed, Armory Officer, protector of my UNMARRIED, CHILDLESS daughter
Level: Must be read upon pain of death by drowning.
Dear Lieutenant Reed,
Do you mind if I call you Malcolm? As the most likely Future Father of my Grandchildren, I think I should be allowed to call you by your first name even if you hate it.
Now that that's out of the way, Malcolm, I would appreciate it if you took some time to answer these questions. I must tell you that Hoshi's Aunt Midori helped me with these. She felt it was her right since she has been burning incense for Hoshi since the girl was eighteen.
And don't take your time responding to these questions, Malcolm. That would be disrespectful and, having already spoken to your parents, your father assured me you were raised to respect your elders.
By the way, Stuart and Mary thought these were very good questions, too. They had no idea how you would answer them, though. Imagine that! After discussing this at length with them, I decided to change the I to WE.
1. How soon can we expect grandchildren? I'm sure your Denobulan physician can find some way to counteract the contraceptives. I mean, if an alien can get a man pregnant, surely you can do the job for my daughter!
2. How many grandchildren can we expect? One is not a good answer, Malcolm.
3. What will be the optimal spacing for the grandchildren? Hoshi's not getting any younger, Malcolm! Four years between children is not acceptable, however. We have all agreed.
4. Can you can guarantee that the fruit of your loins will not be dim-witted, disrespectful, humorless, hairy children? And not stinky, either.
We look forward to your prompt response, Malcolm. I'm having Midori begin the timer now.
The Future Grandmother of your children
~~~~~
Ship-to-Planet Communication
Source: The Enterprise
Transmitter: Ensign Hoshi Sato, Communications Officer wishing she were orphan.
Level: READ IT NOW!
MOTHER!!!!!!
What do you think you're doing? I can't believe you pulled your Granma Wannabe act on Malcolm! He came in five minutes ago and couldn't speak. He just gesticulated to the computer terminal in my room, called up your letter and is now lying in my bed mumbling to himself.
So, thank you, MOM, for delivering the man who has been avoiding me since he announced his love to all local humanity over the intercom. If he doesn't have a heart attack, I'll see what I can do about this mess you've created.
And to clarify. I said I thought I wanted him to be the father of your future grandchildren, not that we were getting married.
Wait, Mom, Malcolm just said something....
(One hour later, Hoshi returns to finish the letter now wearing a relaxed grin and, uh, little else.)
Look, Mom, I have to get back to Malcolm, so I'll make this quick.
Malcolm gave me his responses to your questions in reverse order.
1. About the fruit: Malcolm doesn't see any way that a beautiful, gracious, intelligent, witty woman like me would produce dim-witted, disrespectful, humorless hairy children -- and qualified hairy to mean excessive body hair, not the beautiful, silky cascade like I have. Isn't he sweet? Oh, and poopy diapers don't count on the stinky part. All babies have bowel movements.
2. About the interval: It depends on whether multiple births occur in the family.
3. About the number: Counter question: How many grandchildren would you be willing to watch for a month--simultaneously?
4. About when: He's working on it.
I can personally assure you that he is indeed working very hard on it. Such dedication would make you swoon.
Really, I have to go now before Malcolm realizes what he's just done.
XXXXOOO
Tell Aunt Midori she can cut out the incense.
Your loving daughter,
Hoshi
*****
Written during Summer 2004; revised for posting at the Malcolm Hoshi Explosion list (MHEList at yahoo). Thank you PJ and Jo for letting me incorporate your ideas.
To the readers, as always, thanks for reading. No reviews are necessary, but I hope you did smile.
Author: ZenosParadox
Rating: PG-13
Summary: RS. A communications mishap illuminated through a series of letters.
Disclaimer: The Enterprise characters belong to Paramount. This fiction was written solely for personal enjoyment.
Author Note:
Began as a series of drabbles in the Dear Hoshi thread at the R/S forum at LD. PJinNH (aka, MHEListMom) came up with the idea of Malcolm's little intercomm problem, so I've incorporated it a bit more to make this sound more story-like instead of just an excerpt from a letter. Josephine (aka JosephineLL) introduced Hoshi's Aunt Midori in her letter.
The following is an expanded version of letters I wrote to capture the moment. On to the story...
MISSIVES
Intraship Memo
To: Captain Jonathan Archer
From: Sub-Commander T'Pol
RE: The Dangers of Love
Captain,
I must protest the manner in which you are handling the overt violation of fraternization rules by Lieutenant Reed.
His declaration of love for Ensign Sato over the intercom was awkward and inappropriate. He should have realized the unit would broadcast his words over the entire ship. My records show Lieutenant Reed's training in communications systems is at Level 2, in fact. How could he not know he was leaning on the button? It is entirely illogical.
Furthermore, since I was sitting across the table from Commander Tucker in the mess hall when Reed's proclamation was carried all over Enterprise, I was sprayed with a layer of sweetened iced tea. I did not realize humans could hold such a large volume of liquid in their mouth until I experienced the Commander's demonstration.
Doctor Phlox informed me that he was so surprised he fed his Arkonian slug to his Jeirian arachnid. Thus, our medical supplies have been compromised.
Further, Ensign Williams accidentally shot Ensign Kelly with a phase pistol he was cleaning during the interlude. Love is a dangerous thing, Captain.
I do not believe I need to describe the chaos that ensued in the galley when Chef confused the baking powder and baking soda while preparing dinner as a result of the announcement.
This declaration of love was a threat to the well-being of the ship, Captain.
It also took me two showers to get all of the tea residue out of my hair, although I must remind you that Vulcans are not vain. I also am in no way concerned that Lieutenant Reed is not on the bridge to appreciate my assets since he has been hiding in the Armory since his communications mishap.
I expect a firm response, Captain.
T'Pol
~~~~~
Intraship Memo
To: Sub-Commander T'Pol
From: Captain Jonathan Archer
RE: Reply to The Dangers of Love
T'Pol,
We humans have a saying that goes, "Love is blind."
Perhaps it's deaf and dimwitted as well?
I think the utter embarrassment of proclaiming his feelings to all and sundry is punishment enough for the Lieutenant. And let's not forget Hoshi in all this. Malcolm ran off to hide in the Armory so quickly that he never even got a response from her.
Now, I think this situation is like the penguins--or is it a puffin? Well, anyhow, some flightless bird on Earth has a mating ritual wherein the male gives a mighty call, but then retreats until his future mate sums up all his assets, that is, nest building skills, and then--
You know what? That sounds an awful lot like humans, too.
The whole point is, Sub-commander, stay out of it. It's the safest thing to do.
Jon Archer
~~~~~
Planet-to-ship Communication
Destination: The Enterprise
Attention: Hoshi Sato, my unmarried, childless daughter
Level: Of course it's urgent, it's your mother!
Dear Hoshi,
Listen to your mother. Having a man declare his love for you over the intercom is not something to worry about. There are more important things to consider.
First, does this man have a brain or is he completely clueless in his professional duties as he is in his social life? I will not have dim-witted grandchildren, Hoshi!
Second, does he have any sense of humor? I'm not talking the rambling jokes or potty humor sort of funny. Does he make you laugh, Hoshi, without hurting anyone else? I want my grandchildren to spend a lot of time happy and laughing.
Third, does he respect you, treat you like the smart woman you are? You've mentioned before that you work well together, but is that only because he barely tolerates you or because he listens to you? I want my grandchildren to show respect to others and they learn this from parents.
Finally, is he a good physical specimen? Of course you must check this out in detail before making your final commitment. I doubt the man is Japanese given a name like Malcolm Reed, but please don't tell me he's one of those hairy, gorilla types with body odor you can detect by mid-day! I won't have smelly, hairy grandsons, Hoshi!
Now, go take a nice bath or shower or whatever it is to relax and think about what you're going to say to him.
In case you haven't gotten a clue yet, Hoshi, I WANT SOME GRANDCHILDREN!
Your Mother
Who cannot yet be called Grandmother
~~~~~
Ship-to-Planet Communication
Source: The Enterprise
Transmitter: Ensign Hoshi Sato, Communications Officer
Level: Read this immediately
MOM!
Yes, I know you want grandchildren. It was obvious to me when you scoped out the roster of men on the Enterprise crew, put a check mark on the ones you deemed acceptable as "Future Fathers of my Grandchildren" and stuffed it in my trunk.
You'll be pleased to know that Malcolm passed your superficial inspection of physical characteristics. Here's what you noted under his picture.
1. Not hairy. Good.
2. Training record shows he has a brain. Good.
3. Respectful? Personal info indicates Navy family. Good.
4. Sense of humor? He is named Malcolm. Either has a sense of humor or expects everyone to call him by his middle name.
The question I have to ask myself is: do I want him to be the father of your grandchildren?
Love,
Hoshi
PS. I think my answer is YES.
~~~~~
Planet-to-ship Communication
Destination: The Enterprise
Attention: Lieutenant Malcolm Reed, Armory Officer, protector of my UNMARRIED, CHILDLESS daughter
Level: Must be read upon pain of death by drowning.
Dear Lieutenant Reed,
Do you mind if I call you Malcolm? As the most likely Future Father of my Grandchildren, I think I should be allowed to call you by your first name even if you hate it.
Now that that's out of the way, Malcolm, I would appreciate it if you took some time to answer these questions. I must tell you that Hoshi's Aunt Midori helped me with these. She felt it was her right since she has been burning incense for Hoshi since the girl was eighteen.
And don't take your time responding to these questions, Malcolm. That would be disrespectful and, having already spoken to your parents, your father assured me you were raised to respect your elders.
By the way, Stuart and Mary thought these were very good questions, too. They had no idea how you would answer them, though. Imagine that! After discussing this at length with them, I decided to change the I to WE.
1. How soon can we expect grandchildren? I'm sure your Denobulan physician can find some way to counteract the contraceptives. I mean, if an alien can get a man pregnant, surely you can do the job for my daughter!
2. How many grandchildren can we expect? One is not a good answer, Malcolm.
3. What will be the optimal spacing for the grandchildren? Hoshi's not getting any younger, Malcolm! Four years between children is not acceptable, however. We have all agreed.
4. Can you can guarantee that the fruit of your loins will not be dim-witted, disrespectful, humorless, hairy children? And not stinky, either.
We look forward to your prompt response, Malcolm. I'm having Midori begin the timer now.
The Future Grandmother of your children
~~~~~
Ship-to-Planet Communication
Source: The Enterprise
Transmitter: Ensign Hoshi Sato, Communications Officer wishing she were orphan.
Level: READ IT NOW!
MOTHER!!!!!!
What do you think you're doing? I can't believe you pulled your Granma Wannabe act on Malcolm! He came in five minutes ago and couldn't speak. He just gesticulated to the computer terminal in my room, called up your letter and is now lying in my bed mumbling to himself.
So, thank you, MOM, for delivering the man who has been avoiding me since he announced his love to all local humanity over the intercom. If he doesn't have a heart attack, I'll see what I can do about this mess you've created.
And to clarify. I said I thought I wanted him to be the father of your future grandchildren, not that we were getting married.
Wait, Mom, Malcolm just said something....
(One hour later, Hoshi returns to finish the letter now wearing a relaxed grin and, uh, little else.)
Look, Mom, I have to get back to Malcolm, so I'll make this quick.
Malcolm gave me his responses to your questions in reverse order.
1. About the fruit: Malcolm doesn't see any way that a beautiful, gracious, intelligent, witty woman like me would produce dim-witted, disrespectful, humorless hairy children -- and qualified hairy to mean excessive body hair, not the beautiful, silky cascade like I have. Isn't he sweet? Oh, and poopy diapers don't count on the stinky part. All babies have bowel movements.
2. About the interval: It depends on whether multiple births occur in the family.
3. About the number: Counter question: How many grandchildren would you be willing to watch for a month--simultaneously?
4. About when: He's working on it.
I can personally assure you that he is indeed working very hard on it. Such dedication would make you swoon.
Really, I have to go now before Malcolm realizes what he's just done.
XXXXOOO
Tell Aunt Midori she can cut out the incense.
Your loving daughter,
Hoshi
*****
Written during Summer 2004; revised for posting at the Malcolm Hoshi Explosion list (MHEList at yahoo). Thank you PJ and Jo for letting me incorporate your ideas.
To the readers, as always, thanks for reading. No reviews are necessary, but I hope you did smile.