Why do we play with fire?

Louder than words

Houstwift Canon Divergent.

.::.

"What we did, we did together. And it destroyed my whole life. Like a bombshell. But I'm not letting anyone say that it wasn't my fault."

There's nothing else to say after that. She needs to go and they both need to focus on their families.

She needs to fix hers and he needs to keep his.

It should be simple, she loves Frank, she loves Leo, and she hurt them more than enough, yet as she looks into Michael's eyes for the last time she can feel pain tear her insides apart. Tears fill her eyes and her heart and stomach clench.

If she could, she would wrap her arms around him and squeeze him, never let go. She would hold on to him. How stupid is she? This thing with him doesn't mean anything, it doesn't.

She needs to go.

She can't keep looking at him in the eyes, she can't stay here.

He still has too much power over her and she can't risk it.

As she turns around and starts walking, she doesn't look back.

Can't.

She wants to, God does she wants to, wants to run into his arms but that would be insane, that would be crazy, that would be... heaven.

So she keeps on walking, looking straight ahead of her until she hears him.

"Julia, wait." Instinctively, she stops. She shouldn't, should just keep walking and ignore him.

She doesn't.

He catches up with her in a few seconds and before she can fully understand what is going on, he wraps his arms around her. He gives her the hug she's been wanting, needing, ever since she found Frank sitting on the piano last night.

For a minute, she decides to allow herself to indulge and hugs him back, she even hides her face in his neck, enjoying the comfort and safety his proximity brings her. She's never going to see him again after this and the thought alone just makes her want to hold on even tighter.

But she can't and she needs to go, so she pulls away.

He has other ideas apparently.

"Don't… don't go. Don't leave me again." She can see the emotions in his eyes, hear his voice crack and she knows he most likely is feeling as much pain as she is right now. It breaks her heart.

She was weak and gave in and now not only did she explode her entire life, but she is also breaking his heart in the process. Yes, he still has his wife and his son and he told her he loves them but it's not so simple, she should know.

He can't keep doing this though. "Stop," she replies, her voice a mixture between anger and pain, tortured by the temptation he is offering her. "You have to stop." He needs to stop chasing her and he needs to let go, they agreed.

He knows. "I'm sorry," He looks guilty, pained, tortured and guilty. "I'm sorry I know I should, I just-" She can't fully blame him. She should, he's being pushy when she told him they were done but the truth is she has the same urges he does. She has lost count of the number of times she thought about sending it all to hell, leaving Frank and begging him to leave Monica so they could be together. They couldn't, it was wrong on so many levels but the thought still found its way into her brain sometimes.

It didn't matter though. It couldn't. "We need to stop this Michael." She tells him, trying to finally get through to him, "We agreed, this thing is ruining our lives, it's making us miserable, it's-"

"It's real." She sighs, mission failed apparently. "I've been trying to get over you for 5 years Jules, but I never could."

She looks at him, this time feeling exhausted. Of course he couldn't, she hadn't been able to either and they both had everything they needed to let go yet didn't. "Why are you doing this?" She asks, they both agreed that they had been really stupid, that their families were everything and that they should focus on them rather than each other, yet he was backing down on his words.

"Because I still can't sleep." He shrugs, "After all this time it feels like the only time I can actually sleep is when I have you in my arms or by my side." The wave of pain hitting her was unexpected. Because of their situation, they had only been able to fall asleep in each other's arms a handful of times and never for long but she had to admit that she hadn't been able to sleep that well since the last time they did.

She didn't come here for this though.

He needs to stop bringing them down that path. "I asked you to meet me to say goodbye, to make sure you were okay before we both moved on with our lives, not to ruin our lives even more." Frank would never forgive her. She doesn't even know if he will forgive her for what already happened but if she went back to Michael? he would never.

"Is that what you truly want?" Michael asks and for a second it takes a breath away. Ever since she met him at no point had she ever truly considered that she could and should do what she wanted. All she was focusing on was what she should do and what she couldn't do. It didn't matter though.

"I want my family." She wasn't lying. She wanted to be happy and her family had made her happy for 18 years, and besides, "It's what needs to happen."

"That's not what I asked." Apparently, he decided to torture her.

"Michael…" Her voice cracks, not much louder than a whisper. She shouldn't have met up with him.

"Do you truly want us to move on? To never see each other again?" He needs to stop pushing, he shouldn't, her resolve is going to break. Of course she doesn't want that, if it came down to her she would keep seeing him, he would be hers but it's not up to her.

"That's irrelevant." She replies because it is, what matters is that this is wrong, she'll hurt her family even more than she already has, she can't do that to them.

"It's everything but irrelevant Jules." God, she hates him for being right. She hates her heart for clenching at his words. It's not irrelevant, she cares about him, she wants him, she loves him. As he puts his forehead against hers, she can't help the tears from falling. "Tell me you don't feel this," He asks, holding her free hand against his heart so she can feel how fast it's beating. Just as fast as hers. "Tell me you don't feel anything and I will go away, I will disappear, you won't ever hear from me ever again. "

The simple idea of never seeing him again feels like a punch in her stomach as she lets out a sob. "I can't." She can't lie to him.

They stay just like that for a minute, breathing each other in.

She feels weaker than she had when she asked him to meet her.

What a huge mess.

"Come with me," he says after a while, taking a step back but not letting go of her hand, making her miss his warmth instantly.

"Where?" She sniffles, her tears finally stopping, "Mick it's raining…"

"Trust me. You have an Umbrella." He winks at her and starts walking, their hands still tightly linked.

.::.

"Central Parc?" She asked, surprised, "You took me to Central Parc? The place my son hangs out at?"

"He's still grounded, isn't he?" He asks, smiling at her when she nods, "And besides, we're just taking a walk."

"We're still holding hands." He chuckles, guilty. Yes, technically all they're doing is taking a walk but they both know that if Leo had been there and seen them walking hand in hand like this, in the dark of the night, he would understand that this is not what should be happening between them.

"I just missed you." He says, why is it so easy for him to talk about his feelings? She did miss him too. She would never have admitted it, not to anyone, not even herself but she did. As they keep walking she wraps her free hand around his arm and puts her head on his shoulder, sighing peacefully.

Shielded from the rain thanks to the umbrella he's now carrying, she feels more at peace than she had since she saw his wife and son burst into their rehearsal room.

"How are things with Marilyn?" He asks, breaking the comfortable silence.

"Things seem to be going ahead, we're going to have to get a star though according to Eileen." She doesn't know why she's telling him this, this is confidential creative team information but she knows she can trust him so she doesn't take it back.

"Wow, Ivy must not be happy about this." She chuckles bitterly, understatement of the year.

"She's not, but we have no choice." She sighs, "It's a difficult business."

"Don't I know it," he replies and it makes her sad. If it wasn't for what happened between them, he could be going back to Broadway.

The guilt prompts her to ask, "Do you have anything coming?"

He shakes his head, "No, not at the moment."

She shouldn't, but she feels guilty. If it wasn't for what happened between them, he would be employed, would have a nice paycheck and would most likely go back to living his dream. "I'm sorry," she says, "if it wasn't for me you would still have your job…"

"We did something wrong," He simply says, "It was the right thing to do, I would've quit if I wasn't fired."

She nods, "That's true but still I'm sorry."

They exchange a bitter smile, still walking, not really focusing on the beautiful parc around them. Still, the smell of the rain and nature, the peaceful silence and the safety of being there together feel amazing and warmed her heart. This is a terrible idea, she shouldn't be here with him, but it also is a great idea.

She no longer feels like she's drowning.

Without a doubt, she knows that the moment she'll go home all these overwhelming negative feelings are going to come back and haunt her but for now she gets to have a moment of peace.

"I always wanted to ask…" He seems nervous like he knows he's about to ask something he shouldn't or like he really cares about her answer, "After you left, 5 years ago… Did you completely forget about all of it?"

She knows why he's doing this. It was so easy for them to get lost in their feelings again and it's pretty obvious that he hadn't, he wants to know if it meant something to her too.

She debates lying to him for a moment, telling him that all that mattered was her family and that what happened between them had been nothing but lust and poor judgment but she already knows she can't say that. "I came to watch you on stage." She can tell it surprises him, "I hid in the back and tried my best so that no one would recognize me but I had to see you."

She never told anyone about this. She had vowed to move on when she left him but when a few months later she found herself unable to think about anything other than him, she decided that she needed to find a way. During the entire show, she could feel her heart beating fast, the happiness in her heart mixing with the pain of missing him. When it ended, it had taken everything she had to not go backstage. She wanted to go, desperately, but at the time she knew that if she did she wouldn't stick to her word.

That wasn't quite it though. "I also almost called you about a hundred times," she confesses because it was the truth. With time she had been able to almost fully forget about him, there was always this part of her though that couldn't let go.

"You did?" He looks surprised, and she knew he would be.

Ever since this thing between them started he's been the one chasing her and being so obviously honest about his feelings. All she has done is give him mixed signals and push him both away and closer all the while saying over and over how wrong it was. It was the truth, but there was a reason she kept caving when it came to him. She genuinely had feelings for him and it was time she showed him.

"Why didn't you call?" He says and he's pained. Angry. She doesn't blame him. "I mean I understand why but-..."

"For the same reason I keep fighting this now." She replies, "I want my family Michael, I can't lose them."

"I get it." The way his hand holds hers even tighter, she knows it still pains him. "Now that I have my own family I get it."

Finally.

Finally, he understands why they shouldn't surrender to what they feel, he gets why she's been ending things every time and breaking their hearts in the process. "I still want you to know that it was real for me." He says as he stops walking and looks her in the eyes. "I wasn't playing."

She smiles, she knows.

He has been quite honest from the very beginning, more than she has been. Her eyes fall on his lips and the memory of the feelings he brought her invades her mind. "I wasn't either." She simply says, trying to chase away the thoughts filling her brain, "But it doesn't matter, it's over now, it has been for years."

His eyes are on her lips as well and this isn't good, this is dangerous, this is… this is…

"It's not over." He whispers, taking a step closer to her and she doesn't step back. "It's not over." He repeats before crashing his lips on hers.

She's not even trying to push him away. All she can do is wrap her arms around him and kiss him back.

Time seems to stop for a while.

She has no idea for how long they stay there, out in the open in central parc, kissing.

All thoughts about possibly getting caught leave her mind, and frankly right here and there, she doesn't care. Right now, the whole city could be looking at them, she wouldn't even bat an eye. He feels amazing, he makes her heart happy instead of sad, he supports her, he loves her.

Quite frankly, she loves him.

She should try to fix her marriage, she should try to get her family back but honestly she's so tired of fighting this, she's so tired of trying to let him go, she's tired. So tired.

"Spend the night with me." She tells him between kisses.

The face he makes is so sweet she can't help but smile. He's really surprised and how could she blame him? Every time they got together he was the one that had to take the leap and she was the one that was fighting against it, ending it. She's the one that tells him over and over how wrong it is, trying to convince both him and herself but she's done.

She has no idea how she's going to fix her family, how she can have both them and Michael but she's going to have to find a way. She can't give him up. She's a terrible person, an awful and selfish person because she can't choose and if Frank and Leo find out she's screwed but she's weak, she's in love and she's tired.

Letting him go is too hard.

"Are you sure?" He asks, making sure that she actually means it. She does.

She nods and replies, "I can't sleep either."

He just smiles.

.::.

At first, they don't really know where to go.

They can't go to her place, Leo's there and technically she and Frank were not separated.

They couldn't go to his place either, he had told her that Monica was there taking care of Artie.

She thinks about renting a hotel room but somehow this just feels wrong.

It's their best option though, and no matter what their relationship is wrong and so it should feel wrong. It doesn't. When she walks with him, still holding his hand and feeling the warmth of his body next to her, it feels everything but wrong.

That's how they decide that they will book a room.

They decided that she would do it in her name and with her card, she could easily tell Leo and Frank that after what happened, she couldn't sleep in their bed and it would make sense, they would understand.

When the room is booked, he quickly texts Monica that he was going to pull an all-nighter and would most likely not be coming back home that night, again, she doesn't question it.

Their hands intertwine again the moment the elevator's doors close and the contact doesn't break until they have to so she can open the room's door.

Once they're in, they quickly get rid of their drenched jackets, the umbrella left by the door didn't help protect them much and none of them wanted to get sick.

She sits on the bed and after one simple look, he decides to sit next to her, taking her hand in his again. "I have no idea what I'm doing," she confesses, "this is absolutely insane, I should be trying to talk to my husband."

"Why are we here, Jules?" He asks, his voice filled with both pain and curiosity.

She chuckles at that because she's not even sure of the answer herself. "All I know is that you were right," She starts as she takes off her scarf. "I can't let you go. I'm so tired of fighting this, of missing you, I'm so tired." It's probably awful to say to someone who she knows damn well would leave his wife for her. If he thought that they could actually be together, he would. She has to tell him though. "Fighting you is the most exhausting and I can't do it anymore."

He simply nods.

He told her before how he still feels the same thing so they don't go over it again, he puts her hair back behind her ear, giving her a quick kiss at the same time.

"We should get some sleep." He says when the kiss breaks, "We're both exhausted."

They don't really have anything to change into so both of them just take their shoes off and lay on the bed in each other's arms. She holds him tight, probably tighter than would be considered the normal way to hold someone before falling asleep but she's terrified of the future and it feels like he's the only person that feels right at the moment.

Sleep comes easily after that.

.::.

They're woken up the next day by her phone ringing. Tom.

After the whole craziness of the past few days, she completely forgot that she told him she'd meet him last night to discuss the Marilyn title.

She quickly texts him and tells him that she needed some air but that she has an idea for the title.

Bombshell.

Hopefully he'll like that one, she meant what she said, she hates titles.

After putting her phone back on the nightstand she rolls over back into Michael's arms. She hadn't slept that well in actual weeks.

Smiling at her, he plants a short kiss on her forehead. "You look beautiful in the morning."

This man is full of it, she simply laughs. "You don't need to say that you already got me into your bed."

He smirks. "I'm simply telling the truth and besides, you're the one that invited me to spend the night with you."

This time it's her turn to smirk, yes, she did.

She's aware that they need to figure out what's going on but she doesn't want to. All she wants to do is get under the blanket and stay right there with him until her life sorts itself out.

Frank is so pissed that he's probably not going to want to talk to her for a while but she knows him, he will want to talk. Whether it is to end their marriage or to try and work on things she doesn't know but she needs her family and if there is any chance she can save it she will.

Which means that the only part of her life she needs to figure out is Michael.

Again.

Though she now sees clearer, she now knows that she can't, will not, give him up.

Of course, she can't ask her husband to just be okay with her cheating on him and having another man. She's not completely crazy and stupid.

Where does that leave her then? Keep her affair going behind her husband's back, having to lie, hide and this time, it would be even harder as well. It would be harder emotionally because now that she made the decision to keep her lover in her life it's like every emotion she tried so hard to lock away for years is now exploding. It would also be harder because now her husband knows.

Now he knows that Michael's her weakness.

Now he knows that she's not the perfect wife he thought he was.

Now he knows that she can lie to him, has done it before.

She doesn't know if Frank can and will forgive her, what she does know though is that regardless of that fact she will keep Michael in her life. Last night just opened her eyes to the fact that she has true feelings for him and he makes her happy and she's not ready to let that go.

Michael looks at her with curious eyes, trying to understand what is going on in her head.

She's not fully ready to talk though, what she wants to do is not fair and he might not be willing to accept what she has to offer so she does what she wants to do right now instead.

She cups his face and kisses him.

It starts out small, like a good morning kiss they could share for the rest of their lives.

It's him though, it's Michael, and try as hard as she can she still hasn't figured out how to not get completely intoxicated by him so the kiss very quickly heats up.

She lets her kisses fall to his jaw where she can see the trace Frank's punch left. She feels awful about it, feels awful that his beautiful face would have such an ugly mark on it and it's indirectly her fault.

She wants to make him feel better, wants to take away the pain so she kisses the bruise, her way to apologize.

Her hands end up closing around his shirt, a way to bring him closer to her, where she would want him to be every day.

As he rolls her on her back, her hands get lost in his hair and she feels like she's falling and she never wants anyone to catch her. Acting on instinct, his hands intertwine with hers as he pins them on either side of her head and his kisses fall to her neck.

Her breathing gets faster and really he's going to mark her, she won't be able to hide it and…

She can't think straight.

He's still kissing her, is now rocking his hips against hers and her legs wrap around his hips, pulling him closer.

His kisses find a path back to her lips, his tongue finding access to hers and she shivers as their tongues slide and flick. Heat starts burning in her stomach, pleasure taking over.

As he lets out a moan she barely manages to hold back one of her own, inhaling sharply instead.

They should not sleep together, they should absolutely not do that, she is still married and yes Frank's gone for now but they're still married she can't give in to Michael, she can't-

God, he's turned on, she can feel it and she's not embarrassed to say that she is too and he noticed, she knows he did because the roll of his hips against hers is more pointed now, he holds her more firmly against him and it feels amazing, it feels incredible.

Her fingers find their way underneath his shirt and she loves the feel of his skin. She wants to take his shirt off, wants to take all their clothes off, wants him, now, but they can't, they can't, she shouldn't- God he feels good.

Before she can do anything about it, her brain too clouded by desire, his hands have found their way underneath her shirt as well and it's like a thousand little stars are dancing on her skin.

Her hands end up scratching his back, sliding down his back all the way down his spine and he moans, bites her lip, he likes that. The sound makes her shiver.

It's only when a particularly strong rock of hips and a well-timed kiss on her neck brings a moan out of her that she stops him, panting. "Michael-" She tries, but she gets cut off by his lips on hers, muffling another moan. God she's burning, she wants him badly and it takes everything in her to remember that she shouldn't do that. "Michael we need to stop." She manages to whisper yet her hands grip his shirt, lifting it halfway through.

"Not yet," He begs, God that's not fair, she's so tempted to screw it all and just let herself have him. No one would know, it could be their little secret. "One minute, please one minute." He kisses her harder then, getting lost in the feeling as well it's way sexier than it should be.

She's overwhelmed, kisses him back still for a minute but they have to stop, even though it's the complete opposite of what she wants. "If we don't stop now we won't." She whispers in a husky voice in his ear.

He's the one that has to back off, he has to because she can't, doesn't have the resolve to do so, he feels too good. She lets her kisses fall on his neck as her fingers start toying with the edge of his belt.

That does seem to get through him and make him realize how dangerously close to losing control they are, with one last kiss he puts some distance between them as she sits up, her back against the bedpost.

Panting slightly they both start laughing as they exchange a look. "I need some fresh water." She simply says, walking to the bathroom to splash some water on her face.

He's smirking as she leaves, biting his lip.

God, that was- way more intense than it should've been, she sighs.

She shakes her head as she tries to remember why she should absolutely not go back in that room and throw herself at this man.

Obviously she's not stupid, she knows that deciding to keep him in her life means that temptation like this will happen because they have never been able to be just friends and she doesn't think they ever could be. She needs to figure out what her life is going to look like though.

She takes a second to breathe, splashes water on her face and goes back out.

"I'm sorry," she starts as she sits next to him, "I did say that I don't want to fight this between us anymore I know…"

He listens, just takes her hand and listens to what she has to say and she loves that he is being patient with her. "I do need to figure things out though." she continues, "I have no idea what is going to happen with Frank and it wouldn't be fair to just go back to where we were a few weeks ago."

Michael nods, "Yeah, you're right." He looks uneasy, nervous, and no that's not exactly it.

"Michael," Once he's looking her in the eyes she puts her hands on either side of his face. "I am not running away anymore."

His eyes close as he breathes in and drops a small kiss on her hand. She would try to hide her smile but she honestly doesn't want to anymore. "All I meant is that I think I need to figure out what my life is going to look like before we jump back into bed."

He chuckles at that, thinking back to how close they were to throw these words out of the window just minutes ago. "So what does that look like?" He asks, "Because if you're willing to give us a chance, I'm ready to talk to Monica." at her surprised face he continues, "I care about her, I do, I could be content with her but if I had a choice…"

She gets what he means. "I'm not entirely sure." She responds honestly, "Let's just try and spend some time together. No sex, just spending time together, we'll keep it on the down-low so we can figure out what we want regarding our marriages?"

"Sure," He replies, yet she can tell he's still nervous, "I just…"

"I'm not running anymore." She reassures him and gives him a quick kiss.

He nods at that and gives her a sweet smile. "That's fair, I get it."

He lets a beat pass until he sits a bit closer to her. "You should know though, we'll be just friends for now but-" He slides a bit closer to her again and she feels her heart beating faster. "It doesn't mean that I'll stop wanting you."

He whispers the last part in her ear and a smile appears on her face as she takes a deep breath.

He is not playing fair.

.::.

When she comes back home later that day she feels so much better.

She does, but the sadness, guilt and shame are still here and she misses Frank.

She's not used to it, she has shared 20 years of her life with this man, has shared her home with him for almost just as long and it's weird to come back to the home she built with him and not find him there.

Leo's at school which she's grateful for because she really isn't ready for him, his judging stare and his possible questions she doesn't have answers to yet.

She doesn't want to lie, to him or Frank, not anymore. The only thing is she has to because there's no way they would be okay with her and Michael hanging out but she also can't stay away from him anymore.

Rehearsals are going to start soon so she needs to get ready.

As she gets into the shower she thinks about her marriage, how much she cares about Frank and if she should try and fix it.

Last night and this morning she felt so happy, so peaceful and she's not sure she will ever feel the same again with Frank.

Her thoughts feel like they've been going in circles ever since she met up with Michael but they sort of have.

She needs to sort her life out but has no idea where to begin, she already tried calling Frank before she left last night and of course, he didn't answer. She doesn't blame him, he's rightfully upset and he needs time to process everything.

Once he's calmer though, they should talk. He'll want honesty; she knows him and she's just not sure she can actually give it to him. Even less so if she wants to fix their family. He won't forgive her.

As she gets out of her shower, she decides that she will take it day by day and go with what her gut tells her. It's too complicated to fully decide at the moment.

She loves two men, she's not sure she's still in love with Frank but she loves him, he's her son's father… and she needs to stop torturing herself about this. All she's succeeding to do is give herself headaches.

She decides on wearing a high ponytail for the day with a brown blazer over a white shirt and matching brown pants, pours herself some vervain tea as she gets everything she needs to go.

It's only when she picks up her phone that she sees an unread text message from Frank.

Her heart breaks and starts beating faster in fear, joy and shame all the same time as she reads the three words on the screen.

"Can we talk?"