Heat

Faramir's looked out of the windows of his study and to the east. His spirit yearned for the beauty and peace of Ithilien, a place where he was not constantly confronted by what could never be his. His advisor's voices droned on about him, but all that he could hear was the bird outside the window, singing.

"My Lord Faramir?" Faramir snapped back to attention, his eyes resting finally on the stern faces of his advisors. The one now speaking had been one of his father's advisors, and his face reminded Faramir of the formality and duty instilled in the very heart of his father's generation. "My Lord Faramir, we have made all the necessary preparations for your departure."

"Thank you, I will be leaving this afternoon." His voice was deeply troubled, and he could tell by the looks on the his advisor's faces that he was not hiding it very well. Waving his hand, he dismissed them and one by one they left the room. But one remained. Rassener, one of the younger advisors, remained seated at the table, staring at Faramir.

"Yes, Lord Rassener?" The man had a sour look on his face as if he was deeply displeased with Faramir. Faramir had seen this look many times before on the face of his father, and the mere memory of his father's displeasure made his blood run cold.

"I wonder, my lord, that you leave with such speed when your duties should keep you here?" Rassener seemed to measuring his words with care and Faramir disliked his condescending tone. "Perhaps you would not be in such haste to leave, were Queen Éowyn to take a holiday to Edoras?" These words, spoken in a low tone, filled Faramir with anger. How dare this man presume to speak to him of the matters of his own heart? How dare he insinuate that… but it was true, and Faramir had not considered that there may be others who saw his growing affection for the Queen.

His hesitation to answer made Rassener smile. "So it is true? My Lord Faramir, I will not remind you where you duty lies."

"Do not speak to me of duties! I have had enough lectures on my duty for a lifetime."

"Never the less, I have heard from my wife, Andreth, that the Queen may soon be departing for Edoras. If she were to leave then perhaps this banishment to Ithilien would not be necessary. And of course I am looking out for you interests, my Lord."

"I will look after myself. And if I were you I would not presume to meddle in my affairs, or the affairs of our Queen. Good day." Faramir walked briskly from the room, making his way to his chambers.

Was Éowyn trying to escape him by leaving for Edoras? Did she truly have feelings for him? Faramir realized suddenly that it did not matter what she felt for him. It could never be, and any delay of his departure would only put both of their reputations on the line. Hastily, Faramir pulled on a cloak and made his way to the stables.

As he rode out from the gates of Minas Tirith, Faramir turned around and took another look at the city. High upon the walls, he saw a blaze of golden light where Éowyn stood, watching him, long flowing hair caught in the wind. It was the first time he had ever seen her wearing it loose, and her appearance made his heart stop. With great pain he turned his horse back onto the road and left Minas Tirith.

***

Éowyn sat before the fire, gazing into the flames as if in a trance. The tears dripped slowly down her flushed cheek. It felt as though the life was slowly flowing back into her heart, and it was a painful process. For with the life flowing through her veins there was also pain, and it had been a long time sine Éowyn had allowed herself to feel pain. She could not longer fight it, or perhaps she did not want to. Curled up on a chair before the large fireplace in her private apartments, the rain beating against the windows, Éowyn realized that she had fallen in love.

She had watched him go. She had stood there, unable to say anything to make him stay, unable to leave with him. Trapped and caged, Éowyn had let love slip through her lily-white fingers. Faramir's grey eyes had seen into her very soul, his smile had made something inside her melt and soften. She would never see him again. He was far away, in the hills of Emyn Arnen, and soon he would forget her and the light would once again recede from her life. Just as she had found her heart, she felt it breaking.

She heard the door creak open. She had dismissed her handmaids for the night, so she was irritated by this intrusion. Wiping her tears away, Éowyn said, "I do not require anything, I would like to be alone." She heard no response. She felt the presence of another in the room, but could not understand their silence. Turning around quickly, she saw him.

Faramir stood before the door, staring at her. Their eyes met and in an instant, Éowyn knew she could not survive another night without his touch. Rising slowly, she went to him, all her reserve melting away.

"Éowyn, I…"he began, but she stopped his mouth with a kiss. The touch of his lips upon hers seemed to set Éowyn's heart on fire. Not breaking the kiss, Faramir put his arms around her, and Éowyn let herself sink into his embrace. She put her hands up to his face, daring for the first time to run her fingers through his rain-drenched hair. Their kiss seemed to suspend time; the world seemed to spin around them. Before Éowyn realized it, she was resting her head against his shoulder, and he was murmuring, "Éowyn, Éowyn…" in her ear.

"I love you," was all she could say as she stared up into his eyes, knowing that she would find pure love and understanding within them. He kissed her again, and she could not imagine a greater joy than that which she felt in his embrace. Taking his hand, she led him quickly into her bedchamber. He stopped at the entrance, staring deep into her eyes as if asking her if this was what she truly wanted. Éowyn searched her heart but could not find anything she wanted more. She was in love, and for the first time in her life, Éowyn had no regrets.

***

When Éowyn opened her eyes, she did not remember what had occurred the night before. All she knew was that for the first time, her heart was overburdened not with bitterness and grief, but with love and bliss. Then she felt a wave of happiness as she remembered the sweet touch of Faramir, and turned to look upon him, only to find him gone. After a few moments, fearing it had all been a dream, Éowyn heard him dressing quietly near the fireplace. He was buckling his sword around his waist when he saw her looking up at him, a warm smile spreading across his face. She returned his smile, but as he sat down next to her on the bed and began to stroke her long golden hair, a fear began to grow in her heart. She knew in her heart this could not last, and the thought of living the rest of her life as a stone statue now made her heart tremble in disgust. She would never willingly go back to the woman she was before…but what was to be done?

Faramir perceived her fear, and nodded slowly. "I know. We will have to find a way…we will have to find a way." His voice soothed her, his touch warmed her. She felt the defiance of the shieldmaiden stirring up inside of her once again, suddenly determined to follow her heart, determined that she would not give up the one thing in her life that really mattered to her. Not after so much pain.

"I love you," she said again, as if it would explain everything. And indeed she saw a look of deep understanding on Faramir's face as he echoed her words, cupping her cheek with his hand.

"It is a strange fate, that the moment I find the one thing in the world I need, I must give it away. You know, Éowyn… you know we cannot see each other again…we must not."

Éowyn knew. And yet in her heart she could not accept it. "How can I live without you now that you have made my life worth living?" Tears welled up in her eyes, half pain, half joy. Faramir kissed her forehead and sighed.

"We will find a way to live together, even if only in our hearts." Somehow these words comforted Éowyn, for she knew that as long as she knew Faramir loved her she would always feel safe. No one would ever know the deepest corners of her heart, and that is where she would always keep him. She put her hand over his heart and smiled.

Looking out the window, she saw the light beginning to grow in the sky and she knew Faramir had to leave. They kissed, and Faramir rose. She watched him as he left the room noiselessly, turning back only once to smile at her once more, as if fearing she was only a dream that would vanish as soon as he turned his back. She smiled back at him, and felt a rush of love such as she had never felt before, even in her first days of marriage with Aragorn.

She settled back into her bed, watching the light creep onto the floor of her bedchamber, anticipating the sounds of her handmaids at any moment to disturb the peace that she felt in every fiber of her being. She did not expect to sleep, but as the moments went passed, she fell into a sweet slumber.

***

There seemed no room in her heart for guilt; she was so consumed by the love she felt. But as the weeks passed, the time of Aragorn's return grew closer and the thought of her husband was ever upon Éowyn's mind. She loved him, she knew, but not as she loved Faramir. And nothing could ever change that.

She had not seen Faramir since that morning. Court was no place for a secret romance, and Éowyn had no desire to force Faramir into the position of sneaking around the castle like a spy, just as Faramir had no desire to put her reputation on the line. He kept to his private apartments and office, and she saw him only from great distances on her walks through the garden. But in his absence her love only grew. The very thought of him made her heart flutter. Her handmaids, suspicious before of her strange behavior, were now completely bewildered to find her, a peaceful smile on her face, staring out of her bedroom window. They did not know she hoped to catch a glance at the Steward, thinking only that was happy that the King's arrival was now only a week away.

On the eve a week before Aragorn was to arrive, Éowyn sat at dinner, alone at the long table in the great hall. The wind rustled at the windows, signaling the approach of winter, and Éowyn ate quietly, thinking sweet thoughts about the many nights when Faramir had dined with her in this hall, always engaging her into conversation, always trying to make her at ease. Perhaps, she thought, I loved him even then.

Just as she was thinking this, the door opened.

"Elessar!" Éowyn said, rising and rushing over to her husband. She was in utter shock. In the past weeks he had become more of a thought than a real person, and now that he was before her Éowyn's mind went into a blur. He reached for her, and, after hesitating a moment, she submitted to his embrace. Looking into his eyes, searching for a reason why she could not love him, Éowyn found love. But it was not the love of understanding, and it was not love for her. It was the love from a King to his Queen, and when she recognized this, her resolve grew stronger. Faramir was the only man she would ever love with her whole heart, and as soon as she knew this she could smile at Aragorn and kiss him without fear or hesitation.

That night, she was once again in the arms of Aragorn, but their love for each other seemed shallow compared to the love she shared with the Steward. It was painful for Éowyn to now perform her duties as wife for Aragorn, knowing that their love was not true. Yet she knew, and it was a painful reflection, that she had chosen this fate. So when Aragorn left her bed in the earliest hours of the morning to start his work, Éowyn could not allow the cold bitterness to once again creep into her heart.

***

Éowyn did not know until winter set in that she was with child. Walking in the garden with her son one morning, she had suddenly felt faint and had been taken to the Houses of Healing, only to be told that she was carrying a child.

Lying in the same bed that she had once been healed in after the War of the Ring, Éowyn awaited Aragorn's arrival. The healers had called him as soon as she had been taken there, and now that she knew she was with child, she wished they had not. Her mind was swimming. A cold fear had settled over her, because she knew in her heart that the child she carried was not Aragorn's. She was panicked, and her heart called out, not for Aragorn, but for Faramir. She almost did send for him in the first moments after she heard the news, but soon regained her wits. No one knew of their love. No one could know. Éowyn would have to pretend that nothing had happened… everything now depended on a lie.

She stared out the window on the grey morning, wishing that at any moment Faramir would rush in and kiss away all the fear that she now held in her heart. But when the door did open, Aragorn rushed in, immediately going to the healer that stood at the window and demanding to know the condition of his wife.

"I am fine, Elessar." Éowyn's voice was weak and as soon as Aragorn saw her lying in the bed he came over, his face filled with concern.

Pulling a chair to her bedside and taking her hand in his, Aragorn said, "What happened?"

Éowyn looked up at the healer, and he quietly left the room. Avoiding in the stare of her husband, Éowyn sighed. Then, forcing a smile, she said, "Elessar…I am with child."

His smile was like a knife in Éowyn's heart. It spread across his face as his eyes filled with happy tears. Perhaps after their recent disappointment he had believed that Éowyn could give him no more children…but then she was not giving him a child. He embraced her, saying "Éowyn I am overjoyed!" Éowyn felt as if she would faint again, as all the sadness, guilt and fear washed over her body. Aragorn felt her body swaying in his arms. "You must be very tired. You have not been eating properly for a breeding woman! You must stay here tonight and regain your strength. We will need to be careful." Aragorn had very rarely looked this youthful and happy, and it pained Éowyn to think that she was deceiving him. For a moment she could not help but lament what a horrible wife she had been to him. But a voice inside reminded her that Aragorn had not been the best husband to her… no matter who was to blame, everything was wrong. Éowyn felt her eyes filling with tears, and try as she might she could not suppress them.

"Elessar…I must be alone. I must sleep." She could see the confusion and worry on his face, but she could no longer stand his presence. She was afraid that any moment she might dissolve in sad tears, or worse reveal the truth.

"Of course." Éowyn turned from him, burying her head in the coverlet. Aragorn, bewildered by this strange and unexplained behavior, walked slowly from the room. Éowyn could hear him speaking with the healers in the hall, instructing them to keep watch on her. So I am to be watched for the rest of my life, Elessar? Am I never to have a moment to myself, she thought, bitterly. Clutching her stomach, Éowyn remembered the child she was carrying… Faramir's child. And this gave her strength, knowing that some part of Faramir was with her. Yes, she thought, I am not alone.

***

Aragorn stared at Éowyn from across the table. Her strange behavior ever since her collapse had been worrying him, but he hoped that her return to her daily activities would revive her. Yet she only seemed to become more erratic, emotional and distant. "You do not want to announce our news to the people? May I ask why not?"

Éowyn felt on the verge on tears. She could not stand the thought of sharing her lie, her betrayal, with the people of Gondor. It was hard enough sharing it with her husband. His cold eyes seemed to penetrate her mind, seeking the source of her guilt and unhappiness. She felt it was only a matter of time before he found her out, and the dread that grew inside of her was only lessened by the strength the child inside of her seemed to give. "I did not say I did not want to announce it, Elessar. I simply wish to delay. I cannot bear all of the attention, not now."

Aragorn had not seen his wife so full of emotion in many years, and it frightened him. He knew that it was probably only the hormones of a breeding woman that were causing Éowyn's fits of tears and sadness, but he could not help but suspect something else. She had changed… he had not noticed it at first, but over the weeks he had realized that something inside of her had altered while he was away, and he wondered why. "Very well, Éowyn. I wish I knew why carrying this child fills you with fear. You know, of course, that I will be here for you."

"Will you? What of your planned trip to Rivendell in the spring? Will you cancel that trip, when I know you have yearned for that land since our marriage?" The bitterness in her words startled them both. Éowyn had never spoken aloud her suspicion that Aragorn still pined for the elf-maiden Arwen, and Aragorn wanted to believe that she did not notice his lingering regret for his lost love.

Ignoring this outburst Aragorn said, "I will be by your side as often as my duties allow me to be. Éowyn, who do you push me away? What is wrong?"

"Nothing! And it is not I who first pushed away from this marriage." She paused. All the grievances of her heart that she had never uttered aloud before seemed to be coming out her mouth, unbidden. "I do not mean that. I just… I…" Aragorn took her hand from across the table and squeezed it.

"I have not forgotten the emotional passion breeding women are apt to hold. I understand." But he did not, not in his heart. He was confused, and try as he might he could not block out her words about their marriage. Éowyn pulled her hand away slowly. She remembered suddenly that she had arranged to meet Faramir in the gardens this night, and knew that a prolonged argument with Aragorn would make this impossible. So she decided to smile and agree with his words, even though she knew it was more than breeding madness that she spoke that night. They finished their dinner in silence, and when Aragorn rose to return to his study, Éowyn could not make eye contact with him.

Once the door has shut and she heard Aragorn's footsteps echoing down the hall, Éowyn rose. She rushed out into the gardens, and even with her cloak on she shivered severely in the bitter cold of winter. She ran to the walls, and as she looked out over the Anduin, her tears began to flow down her cheeks, almost freezing on her pale cheek in the cold air. Before long she heard footsteps coming towards her, and turned to see Faramir. He had with him a blue mantle with stars on the hem and throat, which he placed around Éowyn without a word. Taking her arm, he led her to a secluded part of the gardens, where they would be safe from watchful eyes. Once safely in the protection of the trees, Faramir kissed her, his lips warming her more than any mantle could. His hands lingered on her face, and he wiped away the tears that lingered there. His calm countenance changed to one of fear when he saw the pain in her eyes.

"Éowyn, what is wrong?" Éowyn rested her head on his chest, letting his arms envelop her completely. She did not know what to say, she did not know what to do. She had never intended this, and she was suddenly struck by the desperate situation she was now in. She began to cry anew, and Faramir brought her closer to him. Finally her tears passed, and when she looked up into Faramir's eyes, she knew what had brought her to this pass: love. A love that had saved her from living death, the love that, in the end, was all that mattered to her.

"Faramir… I am carrying your child." Faramir's reaction was a mixture of pain and joy, and Éowyn knew what he felt: happy that the woman he loved was carrying his child, pained that he had broken a sacred vow, pained that everything was wrong. She should be his wife, and the news of their child should have filled him with unadulterated bliss. But now, joy was everywhere mingled with guilt and pain. Without a word, and tear glistening in his eyes, Faramir put his hand to Éowyn's abdomen and drew her closer to him, as if determined not to let go of her. He kissed her forehead, and Éowyn could believe for a moment, with Faramir beaming down on her and his hand cradling the child inside of her, that this was her real fate.

"Éowyn, does Aragorn know?" Her dream was shattered with the mention of Aragorn's name, and she looked away.

"He knows that I am with child. But he suspects nothing, nor will he." Faramir sighed. "Perhaps you should have left Minas Tirith when you had the chance, my gentle Prince."

"No, and don't ever think I regret staying. There have been times in my life when I have harbored regret in my heart, but not now. Never about this, never about you." He choked on the tears rising in his throat, and Éowyn clutched his arm. She blamed herself for bringing such a man to grief, who had already been through so much. But she took comfort in his words.

"What are we to do?" she said finally.

"There is nothing to be done. I love you more than my own life, but for your sake and the sake of our child I would not risk the wrath of the world to take you from Aragorn." His voice lingered on the words 'our child' and Éowyn felt a pang of joy in her heart, for no matter what the consequences were she loved Faramir and knew he would be the best father to her child she could ask for, if only he could be. "But I will not desert you here, to become cold and dead again," he continued, a hint of anger in his voice. He was angry at his father, at Aragorn, but most of all at fate. Would he never find happiness in this world, would he never be able to claim some little joy for himself? "I will not let go of the only person in this world who makes the shadows disappear and the sunlight stream into my heart. We have both come too far, through fear and death, to let go."

"I must go, Aragorn will retire soon. Faramir… I love you…I won't let go, I'll never…"

"I know," he said, rising and taking the mantle from her shoulders. And he did know, and that filled Éowyn with courage. In the light of the moon, Éowyn looked upon Faramir's face and knew she would die before she would stop loving him. And with such fatal thoughts their meeting ended, Faramir walking in the direction of his chambers, Éowyn walking briskly down the stone path to her marriage bed, and Aragorn.

***

The next morning she rose late, overcome by fatigue.  Aragorn was already gone, his side of the bed empty, a sign that pained her as much as it made her smile.  She got up, her handmaidens dressed her, and then she went to find nourishment.  She found Aragorn already eating, nodding to Éowyn as she entered the room.

"You let me sleep late, Elessar." She commented.

"Ay.  You looked as though nothing could wake you, so I decided to let your rest."

She smiled thinly.  "It seems as though I will never be making my own decisions about my own life ever again."

Aragorn stopped; he looked at her, his expression troubled.

"What are you trying to say, Éowyn?"

She sighed, discontent.  "I feel as though I am never allowed to make my own decisions anymore.  A few months ago, you started making all my decisions for me, and I have not been able to get a word in edgewise!"

"Éowyn, if I knew you felt this way-"

"That is part of the problem, Elessar!  You cannot know as you are never around to find out!"  Éowyn sat back in her chair grumpily.

Aragorn looked at her for a while.  "I know I am not around as much as either of us would like me to be.  I cannot change this…I have duties to attend."

Éowyn looked up at him.  His duties kept him from home, but they also kept Faramir there.  She now would rather have Faramir with her than Aragorn.

He stood up, walked over to her.  He put his hands over hers.  "I shall try to be around more as you come closer to birth.  I do not want you to be upset, Éowyn, it is not good for the baby."

Éowyn nodded coolly, accepting his hands squeezing hers.  He walked away, and any warmth that was contained in his embrace was gone forever.  Éowyn longed for Faramir.

She stood up quickly, unable to sit still any longer.  She was aggravated, her mind raging against Aragorn.  How dare he presume that he could make all of her decisions for her!  She had gone from being a cold shieldmaiden to a cold queen.  She was nothing more than a statue fit for breeding.  So be it.  Aragorn was now no more to her than her King, her ruler.  That gave him the right to make decisions to change others lives, yes.  But, that did not give him the right to change hers.  She was his wife.  She no longer wanted that.  She was his queen, and she no longer desired that.  She only wanted to live with Faramir, and raise her two children.

Yet, she had to remain content with being a cold statue still, so Aragorn would never know the truth about the child.