Disclaimer: BLAH not mine BLAH not JJ's..... BLAHHHHHHHH!
A/N: As most would have guessed from the start design, Clarenova has returrrrrned! JJ doesn't know I'm writing this, but hell...
*
Fellowship: Run run run run run.
Run out of the chamber. Run run run. Run on stone platfrom. Run run run.
Boromir:
'Run!'
Boromir runs insanely to the front, sprinting like a coward away from the drums. Legolas ran after him, grabbing him by his oversized dinner-plate shield as Boromir nearly flys off into nothingness.
'Run run run, but not off the stair, you fool!'
Fellowship: Run run run!
Sprinting down stairs... Big crack. Big fall. Big break. Big pain. Legolas, oh-valiant-elf-who-walks-on-snow-and-ropes-the-graceful-one jumps across.
'Jump! Jump!'
Lara jumps. Legolas refuses to catch her, nearly sending the human off the edge until he pulled her by her desert eagle up.
'NO! NOT THE DESERT EAGLE ZERO POINT FIVE!'
The elf did not take notice as Lara screamed at him from her perilous hanging position. She grabbed a handful of arrows out of his quiver.
'NO! NOT THE ARROWS FROM RIVENDELL!'
Pause. The two glared at each other. Legolas pulled Lara up, and snatched away his arrows. Lara hoisted herself upright, and snatched away her desert eagle. At the same time, they said,
'Stupid elf!'
'Stupid mortal!'
'STOP YELLING AT EACH OTHER AND GET US ACROSS, YOU CONFOUNDED ARROW-GUN OBSESSED IDIOTS!'
Once again, silmutaniously,
'WHY DON'T YOU JUMP YOURSELF, ALEX?!'
And again,
'STOP TAKING MY LINES!'
Stomp. Crank. Crreeeacckk.
Fellowship: BALROG! BALROG! RUN! RUN!
Alex: FLAMING THINGY! FLAMING THINGLY! FLEE! FLEE!
In immediate fast forward, they went. Gandalf jumped across, bits of food flying off his beard as he went, and landed on Lara's toe. In return, Lara grabbed his staff and rapped him on the head. Aragorn threw Pippin and Merry across, who scattered mushrooms about in a amazing cresendo on how so little matter can fit so much mass into their pockets. Boromir held his dinner-plate, let out a whoop, then dinner-plate-boarded across, lauching himself into the air, holding the shield with both hands, then locking his feet in the handles, turned his body into a V, grabbed the end of the shield before flipping in mid air then boarding down a strip of stair on the other side.
Insane bugger.
Sam was thrown across, pots and pans clanging worse than the One Sniggering Idiot's personal manicure set, while Gimli complained when his bread got grabbed after his nobody-tosses-this-fat-dwarf line. Lara made note to step on the wavy grizzle before the elf hualed him up. Now, it was The Many Named Heir Of A Bloody Big Kingdom left alone with Blue Eyed Angel Face That Carries The Doom Of The World Cliche Boy on the stair, which conviniently snapped at that specific moment. Frodo's bottom lip started qivering, and his blue orbs of Infinite Pitifullness rounded. Arrows started zipping from the upper chambers, threatening to strike them. Lara and Legolas snapped to work.
'You *beeping* little bits of *beep*! QU SI!'
Lara, for some unknown reason, began to rattle off different languages at the orcs while shooting her desert eagles like no tomorrow. The last two words meant go and die in Chinese, if one must know. The elf scowled at her before turning to shoot orcs wordlessly. One... *Plop*. Two.... *SPLAT*. Three *WHACK*. After a while, the hobbit and the ranger on the madly tilting staircase finally managed to get a grip of themselves to lean forward as the stair dropped forward. All together now...
'RUN!'
Scramble scramble. Run run. Run run run.
And they ran... The bridge came into view... And they dashed... They started on the bridge... And they stopped.
*Boom-doom-boom-doom*
A balrog had come. As the ten others waited on the other, safer, saner-to-be side of the bridge, Gandy, the "wize" wizard, challanged the much, much bigger Balrog.
'YOU CANNOT PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS, FLAME OF UDUN! I AM THE SERVANT OF THE SECRET FIRE, WIELDER OF THE FLAME OF ARNOR, COPIER OF THE TECHNIQUE OF BALROG-DEFEAT-THROUGH-FALL-OF-GREAT-CHASM-THEN-OF-REINCARNATION OF GLORFINDEL'S! YOU MAY NOT PASS! GO BACK TO THE SHADOW OF WHENCE YOU CAME, AND DON'T COME CRYING TO ME OR GLOFINDEL IF YOU DON'T END UP LIKE YOUR DEAR COUSIN WHO FELL IN GONDOLIN. THE ENTRANCE TO BALROG HEAVEN WAS CLOSED WHEN YOU COUSIN DECIDED THAT IT WOULD BE "FUN" TO PLAY WITH A MAIA BY PLAYING 'TAG'. BACK TO THE PRESENT... YOU CANNNNOOOTTT PASSSS!'
The balrog looked at Gandalf, then broke out in tears, trampling back and forth as if it were attacking. The bridge underneath it started to give way.
'That isn't FAIR! I wanna go to balrog heaven! I've heard so much about it, like, like, like when you could eat all that you wanted in an eternal buffet up there! Which Maia did they play with in the first place?'
Gandalf growled as he rammed his staff onto the bridge.
'ME. Why do you think my beard's all frizzled? It got burnt. Why do you think my hat's crooked? It got bent. Why do you think my staff looks like it shriveled up? It got twisted. Ta-ta.'
The bridge gave way as the balrog fell, writhing as it complained about wanting to go to the eat-as-much-as-you-can buffet and the balrog-sized swimming pool up wherever balrogs go. Gandalf sighed. Five seconds later, the balrog's whip came up and caught onto his foot.
'I DON'T CARE! YOU ARE GOING TO OPEN THE GATES UP FOR MEEEEEEEEEEE! NOW!'
Gandalf clung desperatly to the bridge, unwilling to go down.
'NO! And let them play with me again? NEVER!'
The wizard looked over at the gaping ten. Scowling at them as his handhold gave way, he screamed,
'I-- can't-- FLY, you fooooooooooooollsss!'
Lara sighed as she left Moria. The rest were weeping, crying, moaning, groaning, seething, breaking, shocked, disbelieving