Outakes:
Jennifer Jolie arrives, only to find that darling Lovely Lady Clarenova has masticated it. *goes weepy and dramatic* What happened to all the stuff I told you on the phone? And… and.. and at netball practise! You… you've… you've betrayed me, Clary… *cries*
Ahem.
So, here's the repair work, as much as I can do. As the latest fad with me
is The Matrix, you'll find a lot of that in here… please don't sue! Lara didn't
come in all that much, next chapter, sorry.
You may be interested that Constance will (or should) be joining us.
*cackles* Bwa hahahahaha…. I added asome extra takes in between, so the numbers
may be a wee bit jumbled.
PJ stands for Peter Jackson. (But we all knew that)
TAKE ONE:
PJ: Now, Viggo, you jump off the Seat of Amon Hen and shout "Elendil!" Pippin, do the demonstration.
Pippin: [Promptly jumps off the Seat and shouts...] Elendril!
PJ: Elendil, Pippin, but never mind, you try, Aragorn.
Aragorn: [Jumps off Seat onto orcs] Elendril!
PJ: No, no, do it again...
TAKE TWO
Aragorn: [Jumps off Seat onto orcs] Aragorn! [stops] Wait, I'm Aragorn.
PJ: E.L.E.N.D.I.L, Aragorn, ELENDIL!
TAKE THREE
Aragorn: [Jumps off Seat onto orcs] Isildur!
PJ: [Dead Tone] Cut.
TAKE FOUR
Aragorn: [Jumps off seat onto orcs] Gimli!
Gimli: [Spitting out a mouthful of coke and sandwiches] Whaaaat? Me? My scene? [dashes over] And my axe! [swings his dirty great axe]
Axe: THUNK.
PJ: [rubs head] CUT.
TAKE FIVE
Aragorn: [Jumps off Seat onto orcs] Arwen!
PJ: [panicky] Quick! Somebody chain Arwen to the chair before she gets here! Or we'll never film this scene!
Arwen: Aragorn! Aragorn! Where art thou, Aragorn? Viiiggggy!
TAKE SIX
Aragorn: [Jumps off Seat onto orcs] ELROND!
Hugo Weaving: [Jumps in wearing Matrix black sunglasses and suit] It's.... Smith. [Pause] MISTER. Smith. [Longer pause] AGENT Smith.
PJ: Give Hugo the blue pill, yes, the blue pill...
TAKE SEVEN
Aragorn: [jumps off seat onto orcs] Hugo Weaving! [pauses, cross-eyed] Huh?
Hugo Weaving-Agent Smith: [morphs from the nearest person] It's… Smith.
PJ: Oh no, not again…
Jennifer Jolie: [on cameo] [runs in, dragging Clarenova] It's him! That's Agent Smith!!!!! [pulls out huge MIB zapping gun] HE KILLED THE ONE!!!!! HE KILLED NEO!!!! ATTACK HIM!!!!
PJ: (._.,) CUUUUUUT…
TAKE EIGHT
Aragorn: [Jumps off seat onto orcs] Lara!
Lara: [Delicately spitting out a mouthful of Coke and sandwiches] Excuse me, I happen to be on my break now! [draws pistol and shoots]
Aragorn: Gurgle… gurgle… [dies]
Arwen: [runs in] Aragorn!!! ARAGORN!!!! NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
PJ: Dammit. [flips open cell phone] Props, I need a new Aragorn. [to others] CUT.
TAKE WHO-KNOWS-WHAT
Aragorn: [Jumps off Seat onto orcs] ELENDIL!
PJ: YES! YES! Ye-... WHERE are the orcs?
Orcs: [Eating sandwiches and drinking Coke] Eh? We went for a break? Oh why is Aragorn flattened on the floor underneath Arwen? Did the lock loosen again?
PJ: [Looks at Aragorn] Agent Smith, extricate Arwen off Aragorn, please... We need him...
Aragorn: [dazedly] Lookit all the pretty colours!
*
A/N: The actor who plays Bilbo is Ian Holm. The actor who plays Gandalf is Ian McKellen. On the set, they are roughly still human sized due to fact that shortness is used for camera tricks. Give me artistic liberty and bear with it.
PJ: Ian, now, bang your head against the ceiling.
Ian M: [Whacks the front of his head on the board]
PJ: No, no, not like that, redo it.
Ian M: [Whacks the back of his head on the board]
PJ: No, no, not like that, redo it.
Ian M: [Whacks the right side of his head against the board]
PJ: No, no, not like that, redo it.
Ian M: [Whacks the left side of his head against the board.]
ENTER IAN HOLM
PJ: No, no, not like that, redo it.
Both Ians: [Whack their heads against the board]
PJ: Not you, Ian, IAN, not IAN, Ian, I.A.N! Now, redo it, IAN.
Both Ians: [Whack their heads against the board.]
PJ: Ian, what have I told you about not whacking? Let Ian whack!
Both Ians: [Shrug, and whack their heads against the board.]
PJ: Stop it, Ian!
Both Ians: .... [Wrench board out of set and whack PJ on the head]
PJ: [On the floor, distractedly waving hand] Yes, yes, whack it like that. Ian.
*
Arwen: If you want him, come and claim him!
Asfaloth: [Snorts in disdain, and rears up. Frodo falls off, and Nazgul start laughing. Arwen drops to floor.]
Arwen: Frodo! Frodo! You can't die! Not now! Frodo! [dreamy expression comes over face] I'm not afraid anymore, Frodo… [babbles and babbles]
Frodo: Gurgle… gurgle… [dies]
Lara: [offstage] Ha, ha, HA. Farewell, Ring Idiot… hmmm, maybe I can get off this stupid set now…
Arwen: [dreamy expression] So you see, you can't be dead. Because… I love you. I love you, Frodo… [Pause] Wait, I retract that sentence. I don't love you. I love Aragorn. [Pause] Wait. Do I love Aragorn? Or do I love... [Rambles on]
AND OUT OF NOWHERE…
Trinity: [runs in dragging Neo] That is NOT how you do it.
Neo: [whining] Trin, I was just getting the hang of flying, too…
Trinity: Shut up.
Gimli: Droooool, drooooooool, droooooooooooool.
PJ: Joel Silver! (*DUN SUE! PLEASE!!!!) C'mere and take your actors back!
Neo: [flops down and makes choking noises]
Trinity: [tearfully] I'm not afraid, anymore, Neo…
Lara: [undertone] Bollocks.
Arwen: [drags self into a corner and pouts]
Trinity: [goes on and on]
PJ: Come on, this is really getting out of hand…
Trinity: So you see, you can't be dead…
PJ: [grabs one of Neo's limp arms and pulls] JOEL! Get your actors off my set!
Trinity: Because I love you, Neo… I love you… [undertone to Arwen] See, you only put the Italics on the love. Leave the you alone. So it's 'I love you', not 'I love you'…
Arwen: (uninterestedly) Ooh.
PJ: JOEL!
Neo: [karate chops Peter Jackson] My name… is Neo.
Lara and Alex and basically the rest of the cast: Huh?
PJ: CUUUUUUUT… I want my mommy…
Right, that's all for now, folks! : ) Byz…