Hurrah! In six days time, The Two Towers opens in Singapore, and Jenn will get to see her beloved Dalfy come back!!!!!!
This was done by me, Jenny from the HDB block (Jennifer Jolie, like, DUH), so the format is a little different. As per normal. Jenny from the HDB block (Singapore joke) has run slightly low on interesting characters, so I make a lot of cameos… *flaunts*
~*~
The original:
Lara's POV
Waaaaaaaait.
4 short people with freakishly curly hair.
1 fat dude who has a sick mind that waves around a piece of metal attached to a stick.
Some guy waving around some big blade that is annoyingly sharp.
Some fool with a shield that is 4 times bigger than it ought to be.
Some guy with long *blond* hair who has a couple of dangerously *sharp* arrows pointed at my head.
A doddering old man pointing a stick at me.
Shit.
I'm in Hobbitland.
The outtake:
Lara's POV.
Waaaaaaaait.
4 short people with freakishly curly hair.
1 fat dude who has a sick mind that waves around a piece of metal attached to a stick.
Some guy waving around some big blade that is annoyingly sharp.
Some fool with a shield that is 4 times bigger than it ought to be.
Some guy with long *blond* hair who has a couple of dangerously *sharp* arrows pointed at my head.
A doddering old man pointing a stick at me.
Shit.
I'm in Disney Land.
The original:
Boromir : What's a barbie doll?
The outtake:
Boromir: What's a Barbie doll?
Jennifer Jolie: [on cameo] [off-key] I'm a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world…
Boromir: If that is a Barbie doll I demand a change in script.
PJ: (._.,)
The original:
Little annoying voice at back of head: Want anything? Shut up. A jacket at least you idiot. Do you plan to freeze or something? Go away. Oh alRIGHT. You sure? Whatever.
A jacket appears. Make that two. I wonder why.
The outtake:
Little annoying voice at back of head: Want anything? Shut up. A jacket at least you idiot. Do you plan to freeze or something? Go away. Oh alRIGHT. You sure? Whatever.
A jacket appears on Lara. Alex suddenly appears in a posh looking tuxedo.
Alex: The name's… West. Alex West.
Lara: [rolling eyes] Bloody hell.
The original:
"Oh, stop wasting time," whined Sam. "Let them walk behind us. Besides, their metal clubs don't look very dangerous."
The outtake:
"Oh, stop wasting time," whined Sam. "Let them walk behind us. Besides, their metal clubs don't look very dangerous."
[Scene goes into The Matrix-style slow motion. Sorry, Jen likes the Matrix a little too much]
Lara: [pulls out her 'metal club']
Gimli: [jumps in front of Sam, Superhero style] Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo…
Lara: [pulls him away]
[Scene s l o w s d o w n g r e a t l y . . .]
PJ: [frantically] Nooooooooo, IIIIIIII wooooooooooooon'tttttttttttt beeeeeeeee abllleeeeeeeeeeeeeee toooooo fiiiiiiiiiiiiiind aaaaaaaaaa reeeeplaaaaaaaaaaaaaceeeeemeeeeeeeeeeent Giiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiimliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii… [No, I won't be able to find a replacement Gimli]
Lara: [pulls him away]
Bullet: [hits Sam]
[Scene goes nicely back to normal]
Lara: Don't interrupt!
PJ: [weakly] No, that was meant to happen later, with Boromir, and… and… now I n-need a n-new S-S-Sam… [faints]
Lara: Coward.
The original:
Gandalf growled as he rammed his staff onto the bridge.
'ME. Why do you think my beard's all frizzled? It got burnt. Why do you think my hat's crooked? It got bent. Why do you think my staff looks like it shriveled up? It got twisted. Ta-ta.'
The outtake:
Gandalf growled as he rammed his staff onto the bridge.
'ME. Why do you think my beard's all frizzled? It got burnt. Why do you think my hat's crooked? It got bent. Why do you think my staff looks like it shriveled up? It got twisted.' He paused, thinking. 'Wait a minute. I can't have that. Props!'
Thirty over guys from Props run over and start putting hairspray and make-up on Gandalf (one brave guy tries to comb his beard). Many more people run to gel his hair. Ten guys from Wardrobe bustle over and get him a new hat and staff.
Gandalf: [admiring his hair in the mirror] That's right. The Fin. (The fin is very, very, very high, thanks to Gandalf's grizzly mane and there is another Fin where his beard was) Just like David Beckham. [strikes a pose]
The original:
Galadriel was feeling thirsty. She lifted the jug and took a hefty slug. Wiping her mouth carelessly with the free back of her hand, she swallowed. Then she realized...
'Oh shit. It's been spiked.'
The outtake:
Galadriel was feeling thirsty. She lifted the jug. Then she realized…
"Oh shit. It's been emptied."
Galadriel: PJ! My jug is empty, dammit!
Lara: [wisely] The jug is not half-empty, but half full.
Galadriel: No, no, no, it's completely empty.
Lara and Galadriel: [start catfighting]
Off stage…
PJ: [gorging himself on Spiked Mirror] Nobody knows the trouble I've seen, nobody knows my sorrow… Who else has to work with actors who can't even keep themselves alive on set?