::Horsies::

Disclaimer: Disclaimer what, disclaimer?

A/N: Blah blah. It's me again. Clarenova. Whee! Sorry for the long wait, but here it is.. Blah blah.

*

The Uruk-Hai were piggy-backing two hobbits and a human, all disgruntled off towards Isengard.

'Alex! Alex!' shouted Pippin,

'The brooch! Throw down the brooch!'

'But it's shiney! NO!' yelled Alex despairingly

'Mine! Mine own! My precioussssss! I can sell that for at least two grand on the black market back home!'

Merry kicked him in the groin.

'IDIOT! DROP IT!'

'Mweep. I'm dropping it, I'm dropping it.'

He dropped it. The Uruk Hai did not notice. Stamp stamp stamp.

'My brooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooochhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!'

((aka Emyn Muil Gollum style)

*

Lara stared her stare of impending doom at Aragorn, which resembled, to the Dunadan's mind, his foster father when he was mad at him. Still staring at the to-be King of Gondor and Arnor, she ground out at Eomer.

'We're chasing a fricking pack of-', cocking an eyebrow at Aragorn, Lara waited for the unfamiliar term to come from him,

'Uruk-hai', said Aragorn, pushing Lara behind him and taking charge.

'Two frigging hobbits,' muttered Lara in annoyance, which Aragorn pointedly decided to ignore. He continued.

'We track a band of Uruk-Hai westward across the plains. They have taken two of our friends captive.'

Eomer looked slightly confused, shaking his head.

'The Uruks are destroyed. We slaughtered them during the night.'

Gimli looked desperate, not wishing Lara to think that her travels with Legolas had all been in vain. Both the elf and the human were turning an alarming shade of red, and Eomer took a considerable step away from them.

'But there were two Hobbits, do you see two Hobbits with them?'

Aragorn butted in, trying to save the by then completely overwhelmed Eomer.

'They would be small, only children to your eyes.'

Eomer, still looking as if he had be pelted on the head with a shield, shook his head dumbly again.

'We left none alive. We piled the carcasses and burned them.'

The horse-lord pointed off into the distance, where the Uruk-hai pile was still merrily smoking. Whee.

Gimli stared at Eomer disbelievingly while edging away from Lara and Legolas.

'They are dead?'

Eomer paused briefly, then nodded. Lara shouted in rage and Legolas began to turn purple, and was clutching his by then unsheathed white knife very, very tightly. Eomer, confused as he was, knew when to make haste. Knowing his life was at stake, he mumbled out condolences and quickly delivered.

'I am sorry. Hasufel! Arod!'

Two riderless horses came up, whinnying and snickering slightly. Legolas decided to let off his knife and proceeded to stroke the white horse's muzzle gently while cursing in Elvish. Eomer knew he had to make it or break it. Aragorn was pawing Anduril and Gimli had not loosed his axe either.

'Look for your friends, but do not trust to hope. It is forsaken these lands. Good luck in finding you needed... Carcasses.'

As the four walkers looked at him, ready to kill, he hurried back onto his horse, mounting and shouting to the riders with him.

'We ride north!'

Eomer and gang went at a gallop for the rest of the way until he was certain the purple looking blond elf could not hit him with an arrow.

'I am heavier than you, Legolas. I shall take Hasufel. Come, Gimli.'

Gimli, seeing the trick, allowed himself to be boosted onto the horse, even though he had a rather... potent dislike for the equine. Legolas was left with Arod, the white horse, and a very pissed off Lara. It was hard to see who was madder.

'Bloody hell'

*

'Where is Legolas?" Gimli asked. Aragorn was pissed off. It was the twelfth time the *dwarf* had asked him that question.

'Behind us.', he growled. Gimli turned back as far as his position would allow him to

'I don't see him'

'*WHAT*?' Aragorn immediately checked the reins of his horse, causing it to screech to a halt..

...

Literally. Gimli almost fell off. Lara swore as *her* horse almost crashed into Hasufel, which caused Legolas to *accidentally* shove her off Arod's back, over Arod's neck and thus towards the general direction of the ground. Poor Arod..

'Bloody hell.'

*

Aragorn was munching happily on his Lembas (C) Lothlorien, talking animated to Gimli about all the dwarven axes he had seen. They were arguing about long and short handles, contentedly oblivious to the warfare going on behind them.

'Legolas!' Aragorn called, still not looking backwards. A very exasperated "Yes!?" sounded straight back to him.

'Have some Lembas bread!'

Still not looking backwards, Aragorn shoved his hand into the jumble of Lembus and Lembas bread(s) and randomly flung one in the general direction of Arod, and thus Legolas' head. The elf was knocked out could by a Chocolate/Tootie-Fruitty cross mix of Lembus bread (caused by when Haldir accidentally walked into the kitchen and tipped the fruittie-tootie into the chocolate saucepan. This happened to occur when Galadriel was making the Lembus, and thus was sentenced to eat his cross-mix bread with his brothers for three months after. Somehow or another, the cross-mix still made it out of the kitchens. I wonder.).

'Bloody hell.'

You're riding at around 25 km/h and the lembus is coming at around 30 km/h...oof.

*

Aragorn, Legolas, Lara and Gimli rode towards the burning carcasses. Falling off Hasufel, Gimli thus proceeded to sift through the smouldering pile, from which he retrieved a charred belt and dagger sheath. Legolas recognized it as Pippin's.
Gimli stared sadly through his bushy eyebrows, commenting.

'It's one of their little belts.'

Legolas closed eyes, muttering.

'Hyn hîdh ab 'wanath. It's not fair, I tell you.' [They find peace after death.]

Aragorn smartly went to kick an Uruk helmet, successfully breaking his toe in the process. Causing him to jump around on one foot howling. Legolas and Lara had to pin him down and take a charred bit of mental and bind his toe back together. The poor elf nearly died at the stench of the four month old sock the ranger was wearing. Lara was smiling smugly, knowing that his senses were... what say you, slightly more acute than hers.

Gimli, ever the oblivious one, sadly gazed down at a Uruk head.

'We failed them.'

*

One Not-That-Broken toe later, Aragorn managed to get around to noticing some tracks. Aragorn crawled away off to the side as something caught his eye.

'A Hobbit lay here, and the other. A human was squatting here.'

Muttering her breath as Lara gazed at the more or less squashed area of burnt grass, she commented,

'Who do you think you are, Pocahontas? Everything looks more or less bashed, beaten and bloody to me.'

[Flashback: Pippin yelled as he looked up, a pair of thrashing hooves about to bear down on him and try to disembowel his currently intact digestive system.. He rolled over just in time as Alex jumped up to steal a pretty looking copper adornment off the saddle.]

Aragorn continued his staring at burnt grass process.

'They crawled...'

Lara shook her head.

'Wow, how did you guess?'

'And cut their bonds.'

[ Merry and Pippin crawled frantically away from the battle as they waited for Alex to stop pinching random bits off dead and alive alike. In the end, they took up their recently cut bonds and fastened a collar and leash around Alex to pull him along.

'Hurry up, Alex!'

'Good boy, Alex, good boy!'

'Heel, Alex, heel!'

'Good Alex! Have a decapitated orc, Alex, good boy!.]

[The pack of Uruk-hai plowed on, stomping everything in sight. Merry frantically yanked on Alex's leash as they tried to get away with body parts still intact. Alex, however, was intent on getting a Riddermark emblem made of silver off Eomer's horse.

'Hurry up, Alex!'

'Heel, boy, heel!']

'They ran over here and were followed, by... By... By something...'

The hobbits and Alex ran away from the battle scene, dodging under a horse (in Alex's case, bumping his head on it's stomach and very nearly lifting it off the ground) and trying to stay out of harms way. As they fled, Grishnákh, hairy orc of Mordor, grabbed Pippin by his belt and clung on desperately. 'The belt! Drop the belt!' Alex, not keen on loosing another valuable item, stamped on Grishnákh's hand. 'We steal from you, not the other other way around!' The human managed to grab Grishnákh's gauntlet in the process. Unfortunately, Grishnákh managed to pull Pippin's belt off anyway. Alex whined as the hobbits pulled him back down to the ground. 'But I wants its! Its mines! My owns! My precioussssssss!']

Aragorn began sniffing the ground like a hunting dog as Legolas watched on in amusement. Lara took out a Polaroid from her back pack (courtesy of the Voice) and began snapping pictures of the future king. Blackmail, my dear, blackmail. Legolas and Gimli both received Polariods from her, and soon all three were cackling and snapping as many pictures of the dog-human as possible. Oblivious, Aragorn sniffed on.

'Tracks lead away from the battle, into... Fangorn Forest.'

Snap. The Polariods zoomed into Fangorn. Looking through the lens in aw, Gimli gaped.

'Fangorn! What madness drew them there?'

*

The hobbits strayed into Fangorn Forest with their own personal Dog-Human, now available in two version: Alex and Aragorn. Buy one, get one free. Washing and laundering and shaving not including. Grooming is not necessary. Pippin yanked impatiently on the leash.

'Did we lose him? I think we lost him'.

Grishnákh burst through the branches, brandishing a blade and pawing his arm where his gauntlet was missing.

'I'm gonna rip off both your little heads and your... big head. Come here!'

Merry shouted,

'Trees! Climb a tree!'

Pippin and Merry each scrambled up a tree, dropping the dog leash in the process. Alex looked left, looked right, looked up, and looked at Grishnákh. Looking weakly around for any means of escape, Alex reluctantly hefted up his gauntlet.

'You want it back? Only half price. Three grand, it's a great deal, come on, I know you want it!'

Grishnákh growled at him. Alex swallowed.

'You know what, free gift.'

The human flung the dirty black thing at Grishnákh's head and bolted up the tree with Pippin in it, most unfortunately snagging his leash on various branches in the process. Merry looked around after a bit.

'He's gone.'

Suddenly, Merry felt his leg being pulled to the ground. Grishnákh leaned over him with his menacing blade waving around. Pippin wanted to shout, if it had not been for the fact that his tree had somehow acquired eyes, arms and legs, not to mention life, while he was not looking.

'Ahhhhhh! Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!'

Screaming, Pippin lost his grip.

Grishnákh stared down his non-existent nose at Merry.

'Hey! Let's put a maggot-hole in your belly.'

Suddenly Grishnákh sensed something behind him was amiss. As he looks up a tree squashed him. Pippin, still screaming, yelled,

'Run, Merry! It's a walking tree!'

Treebeard plucked Merry up, staring at him like one would stare at a piece of Sushi that looked more than a few weeks old.

'Little Orcs!'

Pippin stared at Treebeard, commenting on the obvious.

'It's talking Merry. The tree is talking!'

Treebeard looked vaguely insulted, if a talking tree could look insulted in the first place.

'Tree? I am no tree! I am an Ent.'

Merry gasped as realization dawned finally in his peanut sized brain. Alex looked at Treebeard, wondering if he could smuggle the ten metre tall tree into a suitcase and sell it back home to a freak show four four billion dollars.

'Treeherder! Shepherd of the forest. Talking tree!'

'Don't talk to it Merry. Don't encourage it. It looks hungry. Hey wait. I'm hungry.'

'Pippin!'

Treebeard looked... amused.

'Treebeard some call me, and others Fangorn. Now that you come, I'm known as a talking tree.'

Pippin, in an adamant display of oxymoronic intellect, asked,

'And whose side are you on?'

'Side? I am on nobody's side. Because nobody is on my side, little Orc. Nobody cares for the woods anymore.'

Alex piped up.

'I do! I do know we need to cut down more trees to make more paper!'

The grip around his waist tightened considerably. Merry tried to salvage the conversations.'

'We are not Orcs. We are Hobbits! Well, two of us are.'

'Hobbits? Never heard of a Hobbit before. Sounds like Orc mischief to me. They come with fire, they come with axes. They come with swords, they come with daggers! They come with bows, they come with arrows, but they do not come with batteries!' Here Treebeard looked at Alex's uzi. 'Some of them come with metal wands! Biting, breaking, hacking, burning, bashing, beating, stamping, stomping, boxing, banging and blasting. Destroyers and usurpers, cowards and fiends. Enemies and foes, torturers and antagonists. Curse them, crush them, beat them, bash them!'

Merry looked desperate.

'No! You don't understand. We are Hobbits, halflings. Shirefolk! Hole-dwellers! Fat-people!'

'Maybe you are, and maybe you aren't, maybe you were, maybe you were not. The White Wizard will know, even though the blue wizards won't.'

'White Wizard?'

Merry paled.

'Saruman!'

'Saru-who?'

'Nevermind, Alex!'

*

Sam, throwing bits of lembus bread around, commented,

'Mordor. The one place in Middle Earth we don't want to see any closer. It's the one place we are trying to get to. It's just where we can't get, because, well because we can't get to it. Let's face it Mr. Frodo. We're lost. I don't think Gandalf meant for us to come this way.'

'He didn't mean for a lot of things to happen, Sam. But they did. Like dying.'

Suddenly Frodo felt the Eye zoom in on him. He gasped and panted as he backed away like a radioactive rhino with a severe respiratory problem.

'Frodo? It's the Ring isn't it? Or is it your long recurring asthma problem.'

'It's getting heavier, Sam.'

'What's getting heavier? Your pot belly?'

Frodo glared at Sam and pointed to the innocent looking gold band.

'The Ring, Sam, the RING.'

*

Sam stood up and surveyed their surroundings after their trek.

'This looks strangely familiar. I think we've seen it four hundred times before.

'That's because we've been here before! We are going in circles!'

'Ah! What's that 'horrid stink? I'll warrant there's a nasty bog nearby. Or maybe one of Aragorn's socks. Can you smell it?'

'Yes I can smell it, and I wish I couldn't. We are not alone.'

Later that night, Gollum sneaked up nearer to the hobbits as he Spider-Man-ed about the rock.

'Those thievesssssssss! Those filthy little thievesssssssss! Wheeere issssssssit? Wheeere isssssssit? They sssssstole it from ussssss. My precioussssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss.'

Suddenly the hobbits sprang up, grabbed hold of Gollum's arms and pulled him down with them. Shrieking amidst the struggle, Gollum wriggled loose and leapt onto Frodo. As Frodo fell back, the chain and Ring around his neck revealed itself to Gollum, who jumped straight for it. Sam tried to grab at ex-Smeagol, but got knocked off as Gollum tripped over one bundle of Lembus bread. Gollum now jumped on top of Frodo and tried to reach for the Ring as his hands were pulled back. Gollum's cheeks puffed with exertion as he struggled with Frodo, his huge eyes fixed on the Ring. Sam grabbed hold of Gollum again and tore him away from Frodo. Gollum then turned around and bit Sam on the shoulder. Sam shriek.

'Vampire! You IDIOT! Come'er!'

Sam resorted to desperate measures and went for the steaming pot. Those in the Asian region would know and hate it as the Dim-Sum boiler. One "bong" later, and Gollum was flat on his back with Frodo on top of him.

'This is Sting. You've seen it before, haven't you, Gollum!'

Gollum's wails echoed through Emyn Muil.

'My preeeeeeeeeeciiiiiiiiiiiiouuuuuuuuuusssssssssssss! The evil, evil poooooooooooooooooot!'

*

After a round of hithlain rope...

*
Gollum renewed his shrieks.

'It burns! It burns us! Take it off!'

Sam looked in disdain at the writhing... er.. Thing.

'Quiet you! It's hopeless! Every Orc in Mordor will hear this racket! Let's tie him up and leave him!'

'No! That's will kill us, kill us!

'It's nothing more than you deserve!'

'Maybe he does deserve to die. Now that I've seen him, I do pity him. And you boiler.'

'We be nice to them, if they be nice to us. Take it off us. We swears to do what you wants. We swears!'

Frodo glared at him.

'There is no promise you can make that I can trust.'

'We swears to serve the master of the precioussss. We swears on, on the precioussss! Gollum. Gollum.'

'The Ring is treacherous. It will hold you to your word. And Sam's boiling pot.'

'Yes... on the preciouss... on the preciousss. Just keep the fat hobbit away from me!'

'I don't believe you! Get down! Get down! I'm not fat!'

'Sam! You are fat!'

Sam desperately tried to change the subject.

'He was trying to trick us! We let him go, he'll throttle us into our sleep!'

Frodo took pity on Sam and turned on Gollum

'You know the way to Mordor?'

'Yes...'

'You've been there before?'

'Yes...'

'You will lead us to the Black Gate.'

'Yes...'

'And Sam is fat...'

'Yes...'