OK, this one is shorter, and maybe confusing too. But think about it,
Samantha's a confused person, and it's hard for her to express herself. (Is
that said that way 'express herself'? I just hope you understand what I
mean) :) -When I upload the entry, even if it has double space between
lines, it doesn't show so, sorry.-
Dear Diary,
What when people hear words like "move on" or "don't look back, just keep on walking, don't stop, for anything"? Those are words I've said a lot, and words I've been told more than once. Those are words I'd like to believe in. But doesn't it happen, when a word is spoken too many times that it loses it's meaning? That, I do believe to be true. Because there are of those who do keep on living as many as those who don't. Many, and maybe way too many, hold on to their past, even to the most terrifying memories of their childhood. Because the past is a part of your life, whether you like it or not, and as much as you may want to hide it from others, you won't ever be able to hide it from yourself. And it takes only one person to make something a truth. If only one person believes it. Lying or sticking to a lie you've made up years ago is not the hardest thing to do. The hardest thing to do is to accept you're mistakes, you're failures, you're weaknesses. The hardest thing to do is to talk, to communicate your thought and feelings. My past made me who I am now, and I hold on to it trying not to show it to others, as I've always. And who am I now? I'm one of those millions of people that have trouble at the time to share feelings, of communicating, of talking and consequently, of moving on, and living. It's hard, I won't deny it. But there are certain things I can't quite accept either. The fact that my past goes with me everywhere, the fact that I can't stop feeling sorry for myself and for the ones around me didn't allow me to realize I had to make a choice, between my past and my future. The past I know, and the future that could be better. One should be able to live in the present, not forgetting about the past, but leaving it where it belongs. I had to make a choice. So I've made a choice. Jack is my past. I don't want to forget. But he doesn't belong in the 'here and now' of my life, not anymore. And maybe, and just maybe, Martin is my future. Because he's my present. I can't pretend. I can't pretend I didn't love Jack, and I can't pretend I don't love Martin. I can't pretend I'm not afraid because I am. Anybody in my place would, right? And taking risks is part of the process, using chances that are given along the way. Fear and pain are obstacles and if you go though that there's nothing that can stop you from getting what you want. To me, there was nothing that could stop my relationship with Jack to happen. Well, that's over. Now there's nothing stepping in the way to at least a taste of life with someone else, someone completely different, Martin. And I'm afraid, but there's no more pain (my life no longer depends on Jack's existence), and soon there will be no more fear. Or at least I hope so. Even if what I say doesn't really make sense. Because I finally feel I'm moving on.
Samantha Spade, 2004. (III)
Dear Diary,
What when people hear words like "move on" or "don't look back, just keep on walking, don't stop, for anything"? Those are words I've said a lot, and words I've been told more than once. Those are words I'd like to believe in. But doesn't it happen, when a word is spoken too many times that it loses it's meaning? That, I do believe to be true. Because there are of those who do keep on living as many as those who don't. Many, and maybe way too many, hold on to their past, even to the most terrifying memories of their childhood. Because the past is a part of your life, whether you like it or not, and as much as you may want to hide it from others, you won't ever be able to hide it from yourself. And it takes only one person to make something a truth. If only one person believes it. Lying or sticking to a lie you've made up years ago is not the hardest thing to do. The hardest thing to do is to accept you're mistakes, you're failures, you're weaknesses. The hardest thing to do is to talk, to communicate your thought and feelings. My past made me who I am now, and I hold on to it trying not to show it to others, as I've always. And who am I now? I'm one of those millions of people that have trouble at the time to share feelings, of communicating, of talking and consequently, of moving on, and living. It's hard, I won't deny it. But there are certain things I can't quite accept either. The fact that my past goes with me everywhere, the fact that I can't stop feeling sorry for myself and for the ones around me didn't allow me to realize I had to make a choice, between my past and my future. The past I know, and the future that could be better. One should be able to live in the present, not forgetting about the past, but leaving it where it belongs. I had to make a choice. So I've made a choice. Jack is my past. I don't want to forget. But he doesn't belong in the 'here and now' of my life, not anymore. And maybe, and just maybe, Martin is my future. Because he's my present. I can't pretend. I can't pretend I didn't love Jack, and I can't pretend I don't love Martin. I can't pretend I'm not afraid because I am. Anybody in my place would, right? And taking risks is part of the process, using chances that are given along the way. Fear and pain are obstacles and if you go though that there's nothing that can stop you from getting what you want. To me, there was nothing that could stop my relationship with Jack to happen. Well, that's over. Now there's nothing stepping in the way to at least a taste of life with someone else, someone completely different, Martin. And I'm afraid, but there's no more pain (my life no longer depends on Jack's existence), and soon there will be no more fear. Or at least I hope so. Even if what I say doesn't really make sense. Because I finally feel I'm moving on.
Samantha Spade, 2004. (III)