Just to keep up with the theme. (I had nothing else to do, so I wrote this)
Sorry spelling and grammar, and sorry no double space between lines again,
but I can't figure it out, yet. MERRY CHRISTMAS !!! :)
Dear Diary,
Christmas is near. It's the season. Yes, it's particularly in this time of the year that I'm not sure how I feel, about anything. One part of me is happy, and the other one is sad, depressed. Because I can see all the people buying gifts for the loved ones, and finding time to spend with them, and their happiness radiates, it touches others. And it somehow gets to me... but I can't seem to give anything in return. I feel like I have no-one to spend holydays with, no-one to share feelings and anything else with. Jack is where he is supposed to be: in my past, and with his family. Martin too, with his family. Think about it, I don't know much people outside the walls of the FBI building. Erik, well he is... I don't know. Maybe I should call him to see how he's doing. Danny, I could spend Christmas with Danny. It's an option. Nice option. Now that I think about it, who is Danny going to spend Christmas with? I should ask. I don't want to spend one more Christmas alone. I don't think I ever had a normal holiday in my entire life. When I was a child, my parents used to fight all the time, the typical tree seeemd sad, like me. And I was just a little girl. That is not supposed to happen. For once in my life I want one night, only one, with someone to hold me, to wish me a Merry Christmas, really meaning it. I know Jack means it, but it's not the same coming from him. I can read him and his words say much more than that, they say 'I'm sorry' and 'I wish things had gone differently' but they didn't, and now we both have to deal with it. Both hiding our true feelings, because I love Jack, more than anything or anyone in the world. I wonder if Maria and him will ever realize the perception kids have, when something goes wrong, or when there's tension and pain. Their kids have that perception, and I don't mean to intrude, but in the long run they might get hurt. Knowing that their parents will never love each other the same way they did before I showed up. I know. I had that kind of perception when I was their age. I can still feel what I felt then. Hollow. With every fight, every argument. The look in their faces. I can still see it. And as much as they tried to disguise it, at least for this season, I could still see. For one night I want to be able to forget those memories, but something has to happen instead. To forget, even for a second, of those feelings, something beautiful has to happen, something amazing that may distract me. If only for a second. So I feel I have the right to make a wish. I wish happiness, to everybody, including myself. Christmas doesn't only remind me of my childhood, but it triggers memories of Jack and I that I thought I had forgotten. Now I see. I see that this will never end, because I loved. Now I see that I'm just using Martin as an excuse, as a way to keep my mind busy, as a way to keep my mind from thinking of him who I loved, who I love and who I'll never stop loving. I used to hate Christmas. Now I don't know if it's hatred, I'm sure though, there's a bit of fear, a bit of shame, and that most of all, the feeling of having lost hope invades me. No-one should be alone, least of all during Christmas time.
Samantha Spade, near Christmas 2004. (IV)
Dear Diary,
Christmas is near. It's the season. Yes, it's particularly in this time of the year that I'm not sure how I feel, about anything. One part of me is happy, and the other one is sad, depressed. Because I can see all the people buying gifts for the loved ones, and finding time to spend with them, and their happiness radiates, it touches others. And it somehow gets to me... but I can't seem to give anything in return. I feel like I have no-one to spend holydays with, no-one to share feelings and anything else with. Jack is where he is supposed to be: in my past, and with his family. Martin too, with his family. Think about it, I don't know much people outside the walls of the FBI building. Erik, well he is... I don't know. Maybe I should call him to see how he's doing. Danny, I could spend Christmas with Danny. It's an option. Nice option. Now that I think about it, who is Danny going to spend Christmas with? I should ask. I don't want to spend one more Christmas alone. I don't think I ever had a normal holiday in my entire life. When I was a child, my parents used to fight all the time, the typical tree seeemd sad, like me. And I was just a little girl. That is not supposed to happen. For once in my life I want one night, only one, with someone to hold me, to wish me a Merry Christmas, really meaning it. I know Jack means it, but it's not the same coming from him. I can read him and his words say much more than that, they say 'I'm sorry' and 'I wish things had gone differently' but they didn't, and now we both have to deal with it. Both hiding our true feelings, because I love Jack, more than anything or anyone in the world. I wonder if Maria and him will ever realize the perception kids have, when something goes wrong, or when there's tension and pain. Their kids have that perception, and I don't mean to intrude, but in the long run they might get hurt. Knowing that their parents will never love each other the same way they did before I showed up. I know. I had that kind of perception when I was their age. I can still feel what I felt then. Hollow. With every fight, every argument. The look in their faces. I can still see it. And as much as they tried to disguise it, at least for this season, I could still see. For one night I want to be able to forget those memories, but something has to happen instead. To forget, even for a second, of those feelings, something beautiful has to happen, something amazing that may distract me. If only for a second. So I feel I have the right to make a wish. I wish happiness, to everybody, including myself. Christmas doesn't only remind me of my childhood, but it triggers memories of Jack and I that I thought I had forgotten. Now I see. I see that this will never end, because I loved. Now I see that I'm just using Martin as an excuse, as a way to keep my mind busy, as a way to keep my mind from thinking of him who I loved, who I love and who I'll never stop loving. I used to hate Christmas. Now I don't know if it's hatred, I'm sure though, there's a bit of fear, a bit of shame, and that most of all, the feeling of having lost hope invades me. No-one should be alone, least of all during Christmas time.
Samantha Spade, near Christmas 2004. (IV)