Sirius decided to take Remus's suggestion to heart and speak to Dumbledore
about his problem. He did not, however, write to Dumbledore, he thought it
would be better if he consulted him himself. Face to Face. It would be
better, because then the professor wouldn't get the wrong idea. He would
see the guilt wash over Sirius's face, and rest in his deep, normally
sparkling eyes. At work that week Sirius hadn't been able to look James in
the eye. He wanted so bad to talk to his friend, but he felt so guilty and
confused by his dreams. He figured Dumbledore was his best bet.
While walking down the long dark corridor of Hogwarts, Sirius made a mental note to thank Remus by buying him a butterbeer sometime. He made it to the corridor that headed to Dumbledore's office. His only companions were the brightly lit torches. The flickering fire light flashed through Sirius's head. He stumbled as the odd brightness of the flames blinded him. He crashed into the wall. The familiarity of this situation haunted him. The familiarity of this hall, the fire light, it all haunted him.
"Lily," he whispered as she pulled out her wand, staring up at him with huge, fearful green eyes. "Sirius," she whispered back, touching his face tenderly, as if he were to break, she closed her eyes and raised her wand. He opened his mouth to say something. "I-"
"Mr. Black!" someone called bringing him back to reality. Sirius reached up and rubbed his eyes, leaning into the cold cement on the wall. He looked up towards the voice, and stared at Nearly Headless Nick, the Gryffindor Ghost. "Good evening Sir Nick," Sirius replied. "Shouldn't you be in the Gryffindor Common room by this time? Or are you planning to loose us more points? Where is James?" Nick wanted to know. Sirius let out a hearty laugh, "James is at home with his wife, and I don't go here anymore!" Nick gave him a perturbed look and then floated through the nearest wall shaking his head. Sirius laughed again, and then climbed the long staircase to Dumbledore's office. Now he felt really at home. The office hadn't changed much since Sirius had last been in it, right before his graduation day. Silver instruments still covered the various round tables, and books littered the walls. Dumbledore sat at his desk, in a large arm chair, with his back to Sirius staring at the fire. Sirius approached quietly not wanting to disturb Dumbledore. He was a wise and renowned wizard and was always drifting off into thought. Sirius sat down in a chair in front of the desk and let his eyes wonder towards the stair cases that were on either side of him that led up to Dumbledore's living quarters. "Good evening Mr. Black," Dumbledore whispered. "Sir?" "I always know when somebody as troubled as you are approaches," Dumbledore told him, turning around and peering at Sirius, "What can I do for you?" "Well," Sirius looked up into Dumbledore's kind grey blue eyes. Sirius trusted this man, and thought of him as almost a father. He looked away, not wanting to disappoint him, "I've been dreaming." "Dreams, beautiful things really," Dumbledore said out loud, "Tell beautiful stories, some of the present, more interestingly the future, and more harshly the past." "I'm not sure what story my dreams tell," Sirius replied uncertain. "What have you been dreaming of?" Dumbledore asked leaning back in his chair. "A woman," Sirius whispered feeling guilt wash over him. Dumbledore chuckled, "Come now Sirius, dreaming of a woman, what's so troubling about that?" His smile seemed to show relief. "But-" Sirius hesitated, preparing for Dumbledore's disappointment, "She's married." "The forbidden woman," Dumbledore smiled sympathetically, " Intrigues us all Sirius, you don't need to feel this badly about it," "But-" Sirius began. Dumbledore sat up more attentively. "But what?" he encouraged. "Sir," Sirius looked down at his hands, "I've been dreaming about Lily Evans...Potter," he said her last name as more of an afterthought, though he didn't know why. Dumbledore remained silent for quite some time. Sirius couldn't bear it. "Sir?" "James's wife," Dumbledore sighed, "No wonder it has been bugging you," "Sir," Sirius cried defending himself, "I swear I don't mean to. I don't have feelings for her like that, I never have." Dumbledore looked wearily across the desk at him, "I seem to recall a certain dislike the two of you had for each other." "I swear to you, I have never dreamed about Lily, willingly. I wouldn't do that to James, he is like my brother." "Trust me Sirius, I know. You do not need to look so fearful, I am not angry with you, nor do I blame you. I will not tell James," Dumbledore said hastily, his forehead crinkling in thought, "Now please tell me about these dreams," Sirius let out a shallow sigh, "Well sometimes, I have dreams, like fragments of a memory, but it's not my own memory. Me and Lily together, here at Hogwarts. In the common room, the library, the halls," Sirius began, but paused as he thought he saw fear flash through Dumbledore's eyes.
"Please continue," Dumbledore said with a weak smile, as he folded his hands in his lap. "Other times, it will be just me and her, in this cloudy room. She will kiss me, touch me, and tells me to remember her. Tell me she misses me," Sirius burst out, "I don't understand what she means; I don't understand why I have these dreams," Dumbledore nodded, "Is there anything else Sirius?" Sirius froze, feeling odd, that Dumbledore knew he had not finished telling him everything that haunted his mind. "Sometimes, when I am well awake, I feel like there's a part of me missing, I feel like there's something my mind is keeping hidden from me. I have flashbacks, but I don't know what is dream and what might be real Sir," Dumbledore let out a sigh, and rubbed his temple. "Couldn't you read my mind, or something?" Sirius asked hopefully, "Help me figure out why this is happening?" After a very pregnant pause Dumbledore leaned towards Sirius, "If I were to read you mind I would find no answers Sirius. We can not change what happens to us, we can only change the things that lead up to an event. So if I read your mind, I would only see the event, not why. The only thing you need to remember is that all things happen for a reason." Sirius was stung, that Dumbledore, the greatest wizard alive could not help him. The other thing that stung him, was again the haunting familiarity of his words. Hadn't they been spoken before? "All things happen for a reason," Sirius repeated to himself. "Accio Sleeping Draught" Dumbledore whispered. An odd shaped bottle flew off the bookshelf nearest him, from where it had been used as a book end, and landed in Dumbledore' hand. The books toppled over as Dumbledore handed the bottle over. "I am sorry I can't do more Sirius," he said, as if reading his thoughts, "Take this potion before you go to bed, however, I can't promise it will be effective." Sirius nodded standing up, feeling somehow crippled. His mind was playing awful tricks on him and there was nobody in the world that could help. He was alone. "Now if you'll excuse me, there is a pressing matter I must attend to!" Dumbledore said. Sirius knew their conversation was over. He stalked out of the Headmaster's office bitterly shoving the potion into his robes.
"Lily!" Dumbledore bellowed into the green flames that rippled through his fireplace. He watched as she approached her fireplace cautiously. "Oh Dumbledore, how good to see you!" she said politely. "I need you in my office now," he said to her. "Now?" she asked, her brow furrowed. "Right now!" he cried pulling his head out of the flames and standing up. He retreated back to his desk and sat down in the arm chair heavily. It was only a moment or two before his flame burst green again and Lily hopped out of his fireplace brushing off soot. "Sir?" she questioned just as meekly as Sirius had. "Sit," he said bitterly. Lily obeyed, and walked gracefully over to the chair Sirius had sat in and sat down, tucking in her emerald green robes. A woman sat before him, the last time she had been here, she'd been a young adult, full of hatred and confusion, battling a war with her heart. He'd thought she'd finally won it, but apparently he was mistaken. "Lily, how could you still enter Sirius's mind?" he asked getting straight to the point. "Why, Dumbledore, I wasn't sure if I still was." she stammered. "How could you not?" Dumbledore said losing his nerve. "I have been dreaming about him, but I never thought, never knew...I entered his mind?" she whispered looking up at him. "Don't you know?" he asked her, "Don't you understand how bad this is? You've entered his mind more than once," Dumbledore took a deep breath, calming himself. Lily's green eyes filled with tears, "Sir, I didn't know, I am sorry," "Don't you love James?" Dumbledore asked cruelly. The minute he said it he wished he hadn't. "Of course I love James, and Harry too, but Dumbledore you must realize, that deep down, I will always love Sirius, he was my first love, and you made me throw it away, because I have to have this stupid horrible gift," she roared, her temper flaring, "How can you sit there and blame me for this, I have the right to dream about where my heart belongs don't I? I promised him we would always be together in my heart, in his heart of hearts, and I feel I am still in his heart deep down. I know I have to stay with James, and save him and Harry, and I am doing what you asked, and I have fell in love with James, and I let Sirius go a long time ago, but I guess my subconscious doesn't want to let go. I have done what you asked me to. How can you be angry with me?" "I am sorry Lily," Dumbledore said quietly, his wise eyes lowering, "You must understand the pressure I have. I just want the world to be safe. If Sirius remembers fully, I don't know what will happen. If he remembers and Voldemort finds out we are in big trouble. You need to remember to close your mind off at night, like we practiced." "No!" she cried standing up, "You must understand, I loved him! And I did what you wanted me to do! I hate you! I hate this 'Gift'!" "Lily calm yourself!" Dumbledore cried back at her, "I realize what I have done, but It had to happen, there was no other way," Lily blinked a few times before sitting down, "I am sorry," she apologized, "I guess I didn't want to shut off my mind, I've been so selfish," "No I am sorry," Dumbledore replied, "I should never have asked you to do what I did, I am a smart man, there must have been other ways," "There can't be Dumbledore, "There is only one heir to Gryffindor," "I suggest that we put you and James under the protection of the Fidleus charm, and you may have a Secret Keeper, just incase Sirius does remember," "Can't we modify his memory?" Lily asked. "The man is destroyed enough, modifying his memory would only make it worse, and plus, we would have to wipe out his whole adult life," "I promise I will close my mind off," Lily said feeling guilt wash over herself. "Go home, and explain to James that Voldemort might be after you, and tell him you need to find a secret keeper," Dumbledore told her. "I will," Lily promised standing up and making her way to the fireplace, she paused and turned around, "Albus?" Dumbledore looked up at a frail and torn Lily. Never before had she used his first name. He walked over and embraced her. "It will be alright Lily, I promise," he whispered soothingly. "I don't want James or Harry to die," she whispered. "The charm will protect you all, you will be fine," he said wiping away her tears. Lily hugged him closer and sobbed into his long white hair. He closed his eyes, praying that everything would work out okay, that Lily, Sirius, James and most importantly Harry would be okay.
The two of them, Lily and Dumbledore didn't hear the soft scuttle of claws on wood and an abnormally pudgy rat raced quickly down the bookshelf from where it had perched to listen to all that was said. He'd been aroused when Dumbledore had called Lily's name from her fireplace in Godricks Hollow. Some would think it was rude to leave behind company. But Peter Pettigrew hadn't been company this evening. No he'd just been there, sitting on the window ledge, transformed into his animagus form. She hadn't noticed at all. The rat smiled to itself. His master would be very pleased with the information Peter'd just overheard, oh yes, Lord Voldemort would be very pleased...
While walking down the long dark corridor of Hogwarts, Sirius made a mental note to thank Remus by buying him a butterbeer sometime. He made it to the corridor that headed to Dumbledore's office. His only companions were the brightly lit torches. The flickering fire light flashed through Sirius's head. He stumbled as the odd brightness of the flames blinded him. He crashed into the wall. The familiarity of this situation haunted him. The familiarity of this hall, the fire light, it all haunted him.
"Lily," he whispered as she pulled out her wand, staring up at him with huge, fearful green eyes. "Sirius," she whispered back, touching his face tenderly, as if he were to break, she closed her eyes and raised her wand. He opened his mouth to say something. "I-"
"Mr. Black!" someone called bringing him back to reality. Sirius reached up and rubbed his eyes, leaning into the cold cement on the wall. He looked up towards the voice, and stared at Nearly Headless Nick, the Gryffindor Ghost. "Good evening Sir Nick," Sirius replied. "Shouldn't you be in the Gryffindor Common room by this time? Or are you planning to loose us more points? Where is James?" Nick wanted to know. Sirius let out a hearty laugh, "James is at home with his wife, and I don't go here anymore!" Nick gave him a perturbed look and then floated through the nearest wall shaking his head. Sirius laughed again, and then climbed the long staircase to Dumbledore's office. Now he felt really at home. The office hadn't changed much since Sirius had last been in it, right before his graduation day. Silver instruments still covered the various round tables, and books littered the walls. Dumbledore sat at his desk, in a large arm chair, with his back to Sirius staring at the fire. Sirius approached quietly not wanting to disturb Dumbledore. He was a wise and renowned wizard and was always drifting off into thought. Sirius sat down in a chair in front of the desk and let his eyes wonder towards the stair cases that were on either side of him that led up to Dumbledore's living quarters. "Good evening Mr. Black," Dumbledore whispered. "Sir?" "I always know when somebody as troubled as you are approaches," Dumbledore told him, turning around and peering at Sirius, "What can I do for you?" "Well," Sirius looked up into Dumbledore's kind grey blue eyes. Sirius trusted this man, and thought of him as almost a father. He looked away, not wanting to disappoint him, "I've been dreaming." "Dreams, beautiful things really," Dumbledore said out loud, "Tell beautiful stories, some of the present, more interestingly the future, and more harshly the past." "I'm not sure what story my dreams tell," Sirius replied uncertain. "What have you been dreaming of?" Dumbledore asked leaning back in his chair. "A woman," Sirius whispered feeling guilt wash over him. Dumbledore chuckled, "Come now Sirius, dreaming of a woman, what's so troubling about that?" His smile seemed to show relief. "But-" Sirius hesitated, preparing for Dumbledore's disappointment, "She's married." "The forbidden woman," Dumbledore smiled sympathetically, " Intrigues us all Sirius, you don't need to feel this badly about it," "But-" Sirius began. Dumbledore sat up more attentively. "But what?" he encouraged. "Sir," Sirius looked down at his hands, "I've been dreaming about Lily Evans...Potter," he said her last name as more of an afterthought, though he didn't know why. Dumbledore remained silent for quite some time. Sirius couldn't bear it. "Sir?" "James's wife," Dumbledore sighed, "No wonder it has been bugging you," "Sir," Sirius cried defending himself, "I swear I don't mean to. I don't have feelings for her like that, I never have." Dumbledore looked wearily across the desk at him, "I seem to recall a certain dislike the two of you had for each other." "I swear to you, I have never dreamed about Lily, willingly. I wouldn't do that to James, he is like my brother." "Trust me Sirius, I know. You do not need to look so fearful, I am not angry with you, nor do I blame you. I will not tell James," Dumbledore said hastily, his forehead crinkling in thought, "Now please tell me about these dreams," Sirius let out a shallow sigh, "Well sometimes, I have dreams, like fragments of a memory, but it's not my own memory. Me and Lily together, here at Hogwarts. In the common room, the library, the halls," Sirius began, but paused as he thought he saw fear flash through Dumbledore's eyes.
"Please continue," Dumbledore said with a weak smile, as he folded his hands in his lap. "Other times, it will be just me and her, in this cloudy room. She will kiss me, touch me, and tells me to remember her. Tell me she misses me," Sirius burst out, "I don't understand what she means; I don't understand why I have these dreams," Dumbledore nodded, "Is there anything else Sirius?" Sirius froze, feeling odd, that Dumbledore knew he had not finished telling him everything that haunted his mind. "Sometimes, when I am well awake, I feel like there's a part of me missing, I feel like there's something my mind is keeping hidden from me. I have flashbacks, but I don't know what is dream and what might be real Sir," Dumbledore let out a sigh, and rubbed his temple. "Couldn't you read my mind, or something?" Sirius asked hopefully, "Help me figure out why this is happening?" After a very pregnant pause Dumbledore leaned towards Sirius, "If I were to read you mind I would find no answers Sirius. We can not change what happens to us, we can only change the things that lead up to an event. So if I read your mind, I would only see the event, not why. The only thing you need to remember is that all things happen for a reason." Sirius was stung, that Dumbledore, the greatest wizard alive could not help him. The other thing that stung him, was again the haunting familiarity of his words. Hadn't they been spoken before? "All things happen for a reason," Sirius repeated to himself. "Accio Sleeping Draught" Dumbledore whispered. An odd shaped bottle flew off the bookshelf nearest him, from where it had been used as a book end, and landed in Dumbledore' hand. The books toppled over as Dumbledore handed the bottle over. "I am sorry I can't do more Sirius," he said, as if reading his thoughts, "Take this potion before you go to bed, however, I can't promise it will be effective." Sirius nodded standing up, feeling somehow crippled. His mind was playing awful tricks on him and there was nobody in the world that could help. He was alone. "Now if you'll excuse me, there is a pressing matter I must attend to!" Dumbledore said. Sirius knew their conversation was over. He stalked out of the Headmaster's office bitterly shoving the potion into his robes.
"Lily!" Dumbledore bellowed into the green flames that rippled through his fireplace. He watched as she approached her fireplace cautiously. "Oh Dumbledore, how good to see you!" she said politely. "I need you in my office now," he said to her. "Now?" she asked, her brow furrowed. "Right now!" he cried pulling his head out of the flames and standing up. He retreated back to his desk and sat down in the arm chair heavily. It was only a moment or two before his flame burst green again and Lily hopped out of his fireplace brushing off soot. "Sir?" she questioned just as meekly as Sirius had. "Sit," he said bitterly. Lily obeyed, and walked gracefully over to the chair Sirius had sat in and sat down, tucking in her emerald green robes. A woman sat before him, the last time she had been here, she'd been a young adult, full of hatred and confusion, battling a war with her heart. He'd thought she'd finally won it, but apparently he was mistaken. "Lily, how could you still enter Sirius's mind?" he asked getting straight to the point. "Why, Dumbledore, I wasn't sure if I still was." she stammered. "How could you not?" Dumbledore said losing his nerve. "I have been dreaming about him, but I never thought, never knew...I entered his mind?" she whispered looking up at him. "Don't you know?" he asked her, "Don't you understand how bad this is? You've entered his mind more than once," Dumbledore took a deep breath, calming himself. Lily's green eyes filled with tears, "Sir, I didn't know, I am sorry," "Don't you love James?" Dumbledore asked cruelly. The minute he said it he wished he hadn't. "Of course I love James, and Harry too, but Dumbledore you must realize, that deep down, I will always love Sirius, he was my first love, and you made me throw it away, because I have to have this stupid horrible gift," she roared, her temper flaring, "How can you sit there and blame me for this, I have the right to dream about where my heart belongs don't I? I promised him we would always be together in my heart, in his heart of hearts, and I feel I am still in his heart deep down. I know I have to stay with James, and save him and Harry, and I am doing what you asked, and I have fell in love with James, and I let Sirius go a long time ago, but I guess my subconscious doesn't want to let go. I have done what you asked me to. How can you be angry with me?" "I am sorry Lily," Dumbledore said quietly, his wise eyes lowering, "You must understand the pressure I have. I just want the world to be safe. If Sirius remembers fully, I don't know what will happen. If he remembers and Voldemort finds out we are in big trouble. You need to remember to close your mind off at night, like we practiced." "No!" she cried standing up, "You must understand, I loved him! And I did what you wanted me to do! I hate you! I hate this 'Gift'!" "Lily calm yourself!" Dumbledore cried back at her, "I realize what I have done, but It had to happen, there was no other way," Lily blinked a few times before sitting down, "I am sorry," she apologized, "I guess I didn't want to shut off my mind, I've been so selfish," "No I am sorry," Dumbledore replied, "I should never have asked you to do what I did, I am a smart man, there must have been other ways," "There can't be Dumbledore, "There is only one heir to Gryffindor," "I suggest that we put you and James under the protection of the Fidleus charm, and you may have a Secret Keeper, just incase Sirius does remember," "Can't we modify his memory?" Lily asked. "The man is destroyed enough, modifying his memory would only make it worse, and plus, we would have to wipe out his whole adult life," "I promise I will close my mind off," Lily said feeling guilt wash over herself. "Go home, and explain to James that Voldemort might be after you, and tell him you need to find a secret keeper," Dumbledore told her. "I will," Lily promised standing up and making her way to the fireplace, she paused and turned around, "Albus?" Dumbledore looked up at a frail and torn Lily. Never before had she used his first name. He walked over and embraced her. "It will be alright Lily, I promise," he whispered soothingly. "I don't want James or Harry to die," she whispered. "The charm will protect you all, you will be fine," he said wiping away her tears. Lily hugged him closer and sobbed into his long white hair. He closed his eyes, praying that everything would work out okay, that Lily, Sirius, James and most importantly Harry would be okay.
The two of them, Lily and Dumbledore didn't hear the soft scuttle of claws on wood and an abnormally pudgy rat raced quickly down the bookshelf from where it had perched to listen to all that was said. He'd been aroused when Dumbledore had called Lily's name from her fireplace in Godricks Hollow. Some would think it was rude to leave behind company. But Peter Pettigrew hadn't been company this evening. No he'd just been there, sitting on the window ledge, transformed into his animagus form. She hadn't noticed at all. The rat smiled to itself. His master would be very pleased with the information Peter'd just overheard, oh yes, Lord Voldemort would be very pleased...