Lance had found nothing that resembled buried treasure.
"Are you satisfied yet?" Scott said sharply.
"They must have buried it somewhere else." Lance reasoned. "Pirates are clever."
"Yeah, they'd have to be really smart to fool you Lance." Scott said sarcastically. "Come on, let's get out of here before we really get arrested."
As soon as Scott finished speaking, he noticed something moving in the distance up the river. It appeared to be a large boat, but Scott couldn't really make out anything from so far away.
"Lance, do you see that?" Scott asked as he pointed.
Lance stopped his treasure hunt and began walking with Scott up the river's shore to investigate.
"Do you hear that music?" Scott asked as they neared the ship.
"Yeah, what the hell is it?" Lance questioned.
Off in the distance, Barry Manilow's Copa Cabana was blaring from the direction of the mysterious ship.
At the Copa, Copa Cabana
The hottest spot North of Havana
Here at the Copa, Copa Cabana
Music and passion were always the fashion
At the Copa
...They fell in love.
Scott and Lance were now close to the tall ship. They moved behind a sandy dune so they could observe the ship without being seen. They could see that it was an older ship with three large masts and multiple cannons on its deck.
"It looks like a Clipper," Scott murmured, proud that all those hours watching the History Chanel finally paid off.
"It's the ghosts of the pirates!" Lance nearly shouted in his fear. "They've come to rape and kill us for trying to steal their booty!"
Scott held a hand over Lance's mouth to silence him.
"You jackass," Scott scolded. "Do you want them to hear us?"
Scott could see that it did resemble a pirate ship. It even had the Jolly Rogers flying defiantly on it's mainmast. But why are the skull and crossbones pink? Scott thought. These pirates must be color-blind, or maybe my shades just make everything look pink?
"It's probably just one of those tacky theme restaurants," Scott whispered. "Look I can see people moving around and dancing."
Lance was still unconvinced it was a restaurant. "Yeah, but all I see are man dudes. They all seem to be dancing around um...happily."
"Dancing happily?"
"Maybe more like frolicking."
They both noticed that some of the people were now getting into the ship's launch.
"See, I told you they were pirates. If they aren't pirate ghosts, than they're real flesh and blood pirates. They're going to kill, rape, and pillage us!"
"I hope not in that order," Scott muttered. "Look, they probably ran out of wine or something, and they couldn't dock that big boat."
Scott and Lance moved further away from the dune and awaited the arrival of the launch from the safety of a nearby hill.
"Look!" Lance shrieked in alarm. "They are pirates! Look how they are dressed."
Scott could see that they were dressed like pirates, as if pirates had an universal dress code.
"That's all part of the restaurant," Scott explained. "People pay good money for the whole experience. They're just mascots. They are no different than those people who get paid five bucks an hour to run around Disneyland in a sweaty Mickey Mouse costume."
Lance looked confused. His minuscule brain was about to implode from information overload.
"Isn't that Wanda?" Scott asked as the launch came more into view, thereby saving Lance's brain from imploding.
"If it's her than she dyed her hair," Lance remarked. "She's also dressed differently. She doesn't look all Hot Topicish."
"Hot Topicish?" Scott cringed, hating when Lance created new words.
"You know, Hot Topic, where Mary Sues and people who listen to Evanescance shop."
The launch arrived at shore and the man in the most important looking pirate costume was the first to get out. Not only did he have an impressive pirate hat, complete with skull and crossbones, but he also had a cutlass and flintlock pistol. All he needed was a stuffed parrot on his shoulder to complete the look.
"Holy shit!" Lance yelped. "It's Magneto and that random group of men he's always with!"
Scott could see that it was the Master of Magnetism underneath the pirate garb. He was followed out of the launch by his pirate-like dressed Acolytes and someone that looked like Wanda Maximoff.
"What do we do?" Lance whispered.
"Don't make a sound." Scott ordered. "We'll watch them and see what they are up to."
Pirate Magneto and his crew walked up the beach. At a certain point, Magneto stopped and began counting steps. When he reached his designated goal, he turned to his crew.
"Avast, me hearties! 'Tis a fine day fer retrieving buried property. Long John, look smart!"
"Aye aye Cap'n!" A smallish spiky haired pirate replied.
"Go scout the area. We wouldn't be wanting any scallywags sneaking up on us now?"
"Aye Cap'n! If I see a blooming bilge rat, my steel will cut him down before he knows the goose was cooked."
Pirate Magneto turned to the rest of his crew. "As fer the rest of you scurvy sprogs, grab yer tools and start yer digging."
The rest of the Pirate Acolytes began unwrapping bundles of tools and started digging where Pirate Magneto pointed.
"Two things here Scott," Lance whispered. "First, this is fucked up. Second, now we know what those guys are up to when they aren't fighting."
Pirating must be their day job, Scott thought. I wonder if the Professor will make me get a job now that I'm out of High School?
Pirate Magneto was now barking orders and looking very piraty. "Put yer backs into it ye filthy sea dogs, or I'll put the whole lot of ye in irons, Arrr!"
The pirates went about their chores in a pleasant manner while Pirate Magneto wiped his brow from the heat.
"Yarrr tis' a scorcher," said Pirate Magneto. "What I wouldn't give fer a swig of grog."
"Father," The fair skinned girl standing next to Pirate Magneto offered. "I'll get some for you."
In a blink of an eye, the girl returned with a cup.
"Lance did you see that?" Scott said in disbelief.
Lance's mouth was agape. "Yeah, that isn't Wanda. That's Pietro in drag!"
"Did you know he was a transvestite?" Scott asked.
"We kind of had a suspicion when Toad found that Victoria's Secret catalog in his room."
"Yeah and come on, what was with taking those four girls to the dance," Scott added. "No way would any teenage girl put up with that unless they were getting paid to play along."
"Or what about going all Versace on fuzzy boy's ass in the Bayville Mall, that one time when we beat you," Lance mused. "I'll bet you even Richard Simmons thought that was sissy."
"Yeah and...wait, you didn't beat us. Wanda beat us and that's only because she was nuts at the time."
"Give it a rest Scooter."
"Just for that you can forget about me rubbing your feet tonight, Mr. Lance Alvers."
"Speaking of sissy..."
"This is getting too weird," Scott acknowledged. "I think we better get out of here."
"Yeah, we've been actually talking very loud," Lance all but yelled. "I WONDER IF THE PIRATES WILL HEAR US?"
All of Magneto's men stopped what they were doing and surrounded them.
"Don't make a move or I'll gut you." The pirate that looked like prop comedian Carrot Top was now behind Scott and Lance. "Looky what we got here Cap'n. A couple of li'ly libbered landlubbers."
"Good work Long John," bellowed Pirate Magneto. "Sneaking up on me so ye can steal me treasure, eh? Fer that ye walk the plank, Arrr!"
"Listen Magneto," Scott said as he puffed his chest out like a giant turkey. "I don't know what weird sicko games you're playing, but I'm blasting our way out of here."
Just as Scott reached for his shades...
"Bonjour."
Scott turned around and saw that creepy looking guy with the crazy eyes and pole.
"Ze rain in ze Spain, how do you say, falls mainly on ze plain?" Pirate Gambit said in his best Pepe LePeau.
Scott felt a strong force pulling him towards Gambit. "Can't resist...that horrible French accent...must make love to him."
"Scott, NO!" Lance yelled.
Pirate Gambit continued the assault. "You have a certain, how do you say, je ne sais quoi, no?"
Before he knew it, Scott's lips were pressed up against Gambit's in a passionate kiss.
Lance was stunned. He turned his attention back to Magneto, but before he could act, a large ugly pirate with a crewcut now had him in a powerful embrace.
The pirate turned to metal and kissed Lance until he was unconscious from the lack of oxygen to his brain.