White Stones in the Moonlight Chapter 14 Redemption, a fushigi yuugi fanfic

Disclaimer: The characters from Fushigi Yuugi are the creations and property of Yuu Watase and related enterprises. I do not own them, and do not make any profit from this fiction except for my own enjoyment in spending time with them.

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CHAPTER 14: Redemption (Tamahome and company)

Sitting in his customary huddled position in his cell, Tamahome watched the shadows grow short as the late morning sun rose towards its zenith outside the window set high in the opposite wall. His mind was growing dull from lack of food and exercise--and that was exactly the way he wanted it. He wanted the feelings and the memories to go away, the images in his mind to fade to shadows, and he didn't care at what cost. He felt a little pang when he thought of the pain in Nuriko's face when he refused to eat--but Nuriko would get over it, just as he got over Tamahome's refusal to leave the cell after Chichiri's exorcism of the oni. Yes, he'd gotten so pissed off that he had ripped the cell door off its hinges--but now the cell door lay quietly in the dust, and Tamahome sat quietly in the cell, and that's the way it was going to be from now on. Nuriko would just have to learn to accept it.

Against his will, his mind turned back to the last vivid image of last night's nightmare: the blood everywhere, rippling in a large pool; the crumpled figure lying in the midst of it, the crimson river still trickling from the long cuts in his wrists; the eyes open, staring emptily at the sky, black pupils fixed and dilated, each surrounded with a thin rim of amber; the sky itself darkening as black leaves fell from above to cover the bleeding figure...

He gasped and sobbed, then forced the nightmare back. His mind was already letting the image fade, his body too weak to hold onto any intense thought or emotion for long. He embraced the weakness, the darkness; it surrounded him and cushioned him, forming a cocoon that separated him from his anguish. He settled back into his huddle, once more at peace as he waited, waited... What exactly he was waiting for, he didn't know; he only knew that he drifted quietly in a vague state of anticipation.

Tamahome heard footsteps approaching his self-imposed prison. He didn't expect Nuriko to come back so soon; he'd hoped for some time to himself while the violet-haired seishi attended to his personal needs. He cast his eyes downward; he really didn't want to see the disappointment in Nuriko's face when he looked at the young seishi. A figure moved in front of the cell, blocking the sunlight from the window and casting his shadow across Tamahome. Tamahome waited for Nuriko to scold him for leaving yet another breakfast untouched...but there was only silence. His curiosity finally piqued, the young seishi slowly raised his eyes...then froze, his heart pounding in his ears.

Black booted feet stood before him--black boots with crimson ankle bands. Tamahome began to tremble, but he couldn't stop his eyes from continuing their upward course. He saw cream breeches encasing long legs, overlaid with a coat of midnight blue trimmed with teal, necklaces sparkling on a snowy white shirt. The sunlight backlit the figure's head, red-gold locks blazing as if on fire, surrounding a shadowed face. The figure tilted his head to look at Tamahome, and the glint of earrings caught his eyes.

By this time, Tamahome's trembling had increased to the point that his vision began to blur. He realized that this was the moment--and the person--he had been waiting for all along; waiting for this moment of retribution and his inevitable release from the hell of his existence. Wrapping his arms around his body in an attempt to steady himself, he tried to rise, but his legs gave out and he fell to his knees before the figure. Overcome with emotion and shame, he let himself crumple until he was prostrate before his fellow seishi.

"Tasuki!" he sobbed, his words a fervent prayer. "Do it now! Kill me! Set me free...please. I don't want this life anymore! I don't want to live!" His voice was raw with anguish.

The figure moved swiftly, stooping before Tamahome and seizing his arms, dragging him upward. Tamahome lifted his face, eyes closed, waiting for the killing blow, for the relief of eternal darkness...but instead felt himself clasped firmly against the redhead's chest, strong arms wrapping around him and holding him upright.

"Shhhh, Tama, it's gonna be alright now; everything's gonna be alright," Tasuki soothed. "Don't cry anymore, okay? You don't hafta cry."

The words of comfort spoken in the rough country dialect were the last straw; up until then, Tamahome hadn't realized how much he missed hearing Tasuki's voice, how much he missed seeing his friend. He burst into loud, uncontrolled sobs, wrapping his arms around Tasuki's neck and wailing, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry..." over and over again.

Tasuki just held him tight, letting him cry out all his grief and pain, letting him cleanse his soul of all the anguish and self-loathing, just as Miaka had done for him. He felt Tamahome clutch at him desperately, as if he were a lifeline thrown to a drowning man, a man drowning in anguish and despair. At the same time, he felt the weakness in Tamahome's grip and realized the extent of his self-punishment, the depth of his suffering.

Tasuki blinked back the tears in his own eyes and hugged Tamahome tighter, stroking his hair and murmuring soft phrases of comfort and peace. "Shhhhh, I'm here now, don't cry. I won't leave you alone anymore…you don't have to deal with this alone. Don't be sad, Tama. Everything's over, everything's gonna be alright."

Finally, the storm of tears began to die down, Tamahome lacking the strength to continue. He hiccuped and sniffled quietly while Tasuki continued to hold him. Finally, he pushed back against Tasuki's chest so that he could look him in the eyes.

"But why?" he asked, confused. "Why this? Why don't you--hate me?"

Tasuki gently set Tamahome on the ground and sat down beside him, leaning towards him and looking directly into his eyes. "You know why, Tama. You know damn well that you weren't responsible; you know that better than anybody else."

Tamahome looked away, his eyes filling with tears again. "But I should have been stronger. I should've been able to resist him, to force him out! I should've been able to stop him from doing that to you!"

"And so should I! I shoulda been stronger, too, Tama. But sometimes you run into evil: big, ugly evil, and it kicks your ass! Ya just gotta pick up the pieces and keep moving; otherwise, it wins--it wins over you body and soul!"

Tamahome looked at Tasuki again, basking in and envying his friend's strength at the same time. "You don't understand, Tasuki. I'm not strong like you--"

"Oh, I don't understand, do I? You asshole! Ain't nobody in this universe understands you better than me! I know exactly how you're feelin' right now. Don't you get it? It was done to both of us--we were both violated by that goddamn mononoke. If you keep spoutin' that shit about me being stronger, I'll remind you about the snivellin' basket case I was the morning after, scared of my own goddamn shadow! I ain't stronger; I just got good friends who helped me through. An' they were able to help me because I let them! So I ain't stronger than you...but I'm sure a hell of a lot smarter!"

Tamahome couldn't help it--he burst out laughing. That torrent of personal abuse mixed with comforting phrases was so quintessentially Tasuki! He realized that much of his suffering was caused by the fact that he was afraid for his friend, afraid that Tasuki would be forever changed, forever frightened and broken. He was terrified that his nightmare image would become reality. Tamahome leaned forward and hugged his friend. "I'm so glad that you're back!"

"So am I, Tama. I'm sorry, I shoulda come down to get ya sooner...but I guess I was still workin' through my own problems. It wasn't until I overheard Nuriko fussin' about you to Hotohori that I realized I wasn't the only one with problems. I'm sorry that I didn't realize how bad you were hurtin'. "

Tamahome straightened and shook Tasuki gently. "Don't you apologize to me, okay? Just...don't. I'm grateful that you came here at all, so you're going to have to live with that, got it?" He suddenly looked away, twisting his hands in his lap.

Tasuki frowned. "What's the matter, Tama?"

Tamahome looked down and flushed. "There's something I have to tell you, Tasuki. You deserve to hear the truth from me before you decide that you've forgiven me completely. It's about the attack--do you remember when you called me back into my body, and I started to untie you?"

Tasuki nodded, staring intently at Tamahome.

Tamahome took a deep breath, then continued. "I want to explain what happened, why I...failed you. While I was untying you, I looked down at you, and noticed your eyes and...your face and...everything, and--just for a minute, only for a moment, I thought you looked--ummmmm..." he searched desperately for a word that would convey something of what he had felt, without being as romantic a word as 'beautiful', "…ummmm, cute." He winced at the stupid word as Tasuki's eyes widened. He finished in a rush. "And then, only for a second, I felt kind of warm--and that was all that bastard needed to take me over again! And I'm really, really sorry, and I hope that maybe you could hit me or something, and then maybe we could get back to normal..." He trailed off as Tasuki buried his face in his hands, making strangled sounds.

Tamahome felt remorse and anguish as he watched his friend give in to his grief over his betrayal. "I'm sorry, Tasuki, please don't cry! I never meant to let you get hurt, please believe me!"

"Bwahahahahahaha!" Tasuki lifted his face, tears of laughter brimming in his eyes. "Is that what happened? All this time, I was thinkin' it was because you ditched me, because you didn't care!"

Tamahome was shocked. "How could you think that? You're my friend, my brother; I would never ditch you! I would never--"

"Yeah, I know that; I know that now, Tama." Tasuki drew a deep breath, then burst out laughing again. "Just think, all this time I was hurting, 'cause I thought you didn't care--and you were hurting 'cause you were afraid that you cared too much!"

Tamahome shook his head, confused by his conflicting feelings: relief that Tasuki had completely forgiven him, and irritation that his deepest, innermost torment was being laughed at. "It's not that funny," he grumbled.

Tasuki turned serious and looked at Tamahome. "But there's somethin' I gotta tell you, man." Tamahome waited apprehensively as Tasuki wrinkled his nose. "You smell like a goddamn cesspit! What the fuck? I was gonna drag you upstairs to get somethin' to eat, but you're puttin' me off my appetite! I'm gonna have to dump your ass in the bath before we go to lunch!" He pulled Tamahome up and threw him onto his back, carrying him out of the prison.

"Fuck you, Tasuki! Let's see how sweet you smell after spending a week down here!"

Pause.

"Unfortunate choice of words there, Tama."

Beat.

"Ummm, I know…sorry, Tasuki."

Beat.

"Bwahahahahahaha! You're such a sucker, Tama! It's getting too easy to yank your chain now; it almost ain't fun anymore!"

"Shut up!"

For a few moments, there was only the sound of Tasuki's footsteps, heavier under his burden, leaving the cell behind.

"Soooooooo...how cute do you think I am, really?"

"What?"

"I mean, on a scale of one to ten, what am I: an eleven?"

Pause.

"On a scale of one to ten, you're an asshole, that's what you are!"

"C'monnnnn..." a wheedling whine "...and what do you mean by cute? Like cute, cuddly--or cute, hot!"

Silence.

"You're never going to let me forget this, are you?"

"Nope."

"You're going to torture me for the rest of my life with this, aren't you?"

"Yep."

"You're going to forgive and forget everything except this, right?"

"Yep."

"You're an asshole, you know that?"

"Hey, payback's hell, 'Home!"

The sounds of the two friends arguing faded into the distance as they made their way out of the darkness together.

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Tasuki leaned back against the wall of his bath chamber, unknowingly mimicking Chichiri's position of a week ago. He'd brought Tamahome to his quarters instead of Tamahome's, guessing shrewdly that Tama would be unhappy revisiting the scene of the crime. Chichiri and Mitsukake had cleaned up Tamahome's room right away that first morning in order to conceal thenight's events, but the missing furniture would be a reminder of how it had been broken.

Tasuki sighed, then lost his patience. "Goddamnit, Tama, how long are you gonna stay in there?" he shouted into the bath chamber. "Am I gonna have to come in and scrub your sorry ass for you, or what?"

"Shut up, asshole, I'm almost done!" came the shouted reply.

"All right, I'm gonna get you some clean clothes--and you better be ready when I get back!"

Takes more time in the bathroom than a girl, he grumbled to himself, thinking to himself about the lengthy time Miaka always spent 'freshening up', as she put it. Thinking about Miaka, he frowned as he made his way to Tamahome's room. Now that he had brought Tamahome back, they were going to have to deal with the tangled relationships between the three of them--but he preferred to wait until Tamahome was a little more stable, a little stronger. "So we can beat the shit out of each other good and proper!" he snorted in amusement. If only it would be that easy... The Miaka question was a huge problem, all the more so since he didn't know how it would pan out in the end: whether he would end up with her, or alone, and how all of this would affect Tamahome.

Tasuki hesitated at the door to Tamahome's room, then quickly stepped in. Thank the gods (and Chichiri and Mitsukake), the room looked very different than it had a week ago. Gods, only one week! His life had changed so much that it felt like at least a year had passed since then. Tasuki moved quickly toward the ornate wooden wardrobe, fighting back a sudden image of trying to hide. He quickly pulled out appropriate garments for Tamahome, forcing the memories away by diverting his thoughts to Miaka once more.

Tasuki knew that he loved Miaka, had loved her without realizing it almost from the moment that he met her, and he no longer doubted that she loved him, too. There was no way that he was going to just step aside and give her up! Unless she asked him to... He sat down on the bed, suddenly struck by the full implications of what his actions had precipitated. There would have to be a decision on Miaka's part--and by bringing Tamahome back into the picture, he had just forced her into making that decision in the next few days. Their time together in their own private paradise was now over.

But deep inside, he already knew that, didn't he? Was that the reason that it took him so long to face Tamahome again? Was it because he didn't want to forgive Tamahome, not because of the rape but because he didn't want Tamahome to come back? Not yet, anyway. Tasuki winced as he thought of Tamahome's obvious suffering, suffering that had gone on while his bandit friend did his best to steal his girl. 'How fucking selfish!' Tasuki thought, momentarily disgusted with himself. He forgot his own struggles and pain, forgetting that he himself had only found peace within the last few days. And he truly didn't realize how badly Tamahome was suffering, being that neither Mitsukake nor Nuriko had let him know Tamahome's exact state of mind for fear of pushing Tasuki himself into a tailspin.

Tasuki recalled his shock upon overhearing Nuriko recounting Tamahome's terrible situation to Hotohori. He'd been filled with the fear that Tamahome was dying, fear that sent him running down to the prison in a panic with only the thought of getting Tamahome out, forgetting his own issues of abandonment and betrayal. That fear vividly brought back the image of last night's nightmare: Tamahome lying in a pool of blood, his wrists cut and his eyes staring emptily at the sky, while black leaves swirled to cover him…

He shuddered. How close had that dream come to reality, while he had been happily discovering the delights of love? He sighed, remembering Chichiri's advice to look into his heart for answers. His heart had answered him, hadn't it, letting him know that Tamahome meant more to him than any issue associated with the rape. But what about issues associated with Miaka?

Since he was being honest with himself, he knew that what had happened between him and Miaka was something bigger, more powerful than just taking advantage of Tamahome's absence. If it wouldn't sound so melodramatic, he would almost call it destiny. Maybe he and Miaka were meant to be together, and all they'd needed was one opportunity to let it happen. If so, then maybe she would choose him, and everything would turn out all right--

But not for Tamahome. If Miaka did choose him, he didn't want to think about how badly it was going to hurt Tama. He suddenly understood exactly how Miaka felt: loving two people and knowing that inevitably, one of them was going to get hurt. "This sucks!" he muttered to himself, lying back, crossing his arms behind his head and staring up at the ceiling.

He couldn't think of what to do--and the truth was, it wasn't his place to do anything. It was Miaka's decision, and all he could do was to wait passively for her to make it. It grated on him, this forced inaction; it went completely against his usual confrontational style, but he couldn't put her in the middle of a possible conflict. Besides, she might decide that she never wanted Tamahome to find out about their brief interlude, and she might ask Tasuki to just withdraw quietly from her life...

His heart suddenly clenched with pain. He would do it for her if she asked; after all, he'd already promised her something of the sort. Tasuki felt his breath grow short, his limbs beginning to tremble as anxiety began to take over his mind. He was confused at first, then realized where he was lying and what ceiling he was staring at. He leaped up off the bed, grabbing Tamahome's clothes and practically running out of the room. Once out in the corridor, he leaned against the wall and tried to catch his breath.

"You're a fucking genius, Genrou!" he scolded himself. "Didja miss those fucking panic attacks so much that you went out of your way to induce one? Dumbass! It'd be real good if you passed out in Tama's room, so that he hadda come lookin' for ya--then when he tried to wake you, you both could freak out big time!" That image was sort of funny in an awful way, so he smirked briefly, then headed back to his room.

He knocked on the door to the bath chamber, then pushed it open. Tamahome was ready, hair damp and a towel wrapped around his waist, but he sat huddled on the bathing stool, beginning to tremble again. Tasuki frowned, noticing how thin Tamahome had become, his ribs protruding sharply from his sides and back. 'Damn fool really was killing himself,' he thought. 'Good thing I didn't wait much longer to get him out of there.'

"What's the matter, Tama?" Tasuki asked gently, although he had a pretty good idea.

"I'm scared, Tasuki--scared of facing the others. I don't know what to say, how to act. Do I pretend like nothing happened, like nothing's different? There's no way that I can pull that off! I've been thinking; maybe we can skip this today. Maybe you can just bring some food back here for me?"

"Nope, buddy. Sorry, but I'm not gonna let you run away from this anymore. Those are your friends waiting for you, not some panel of hanging judges. They've missed you, and they care about you, and they're not gonna do anything bad to you. I got through it, and so will you. Remember that I'll be there with you, and I'll think of something to make it easier."

"But..."

"No buts, that's just the way it has to be. So quit worrying and get dressed--unless you want me to dress you. Seems a little kinky though..."

"Shut up, baka!" Tamahome threw a towel at Tasuki's grinning face.

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Shortly thereafter, they made their way to the dining hall, Tasuki still supporting the weakened Tamahome with an arm around his shoulders. Hearing voices upraised in cheerful conversation, they looked in to see Hotohori and Nuriko with their heads together, smiling at one another, while Miaka and Chiriko argued cheerfully over the last dumpling in the bowl. Mitsukake smiled over them all, seated next to Chichiri, just awakened from his enforced rest. Tama-neko purred as he moved happily between Mitsukake's and Chichiri's shoulders.

"I forgot to tell you, Chichiri's back! See, I told you that everything's gonna be okay." Tasuki whispered encouragingly to Tamahome. "Okay, buddy, here we go!" and taking a deep breath, they stepped into the room.

Hotohori was the first to notice them, his eyes widening. Nuriko turned to see what he was looking at, then put a hand up to his mouth, his violet eyes filling with tears at the sight of Tasuki supporting Tamahome. Chichiri merely watched quietly, waiting patiently to see what would happen next, while Mitsukake smiled at the reappearance of Tasuki's old outfit. Miaka and Chiriko finally noticed the transfixed stares of their friends and dropped their duelling chopsticks, the last dumpling forgotten.

Tamahome began to shrink back at the silence and the stares, but Tasuki's arm refused to let him hide behind him. Tasuki moved forward another step, so that all eyes turned to him. He looked carefully into each face, then began to draw his eyebrows down, his eyes tilting up in mischief. He quirked up one corner of his mouth until they were all treated to the full glory of his bandit smirk.

"Ladies and gentlemen and those in between," he winked at Nuriko, "Seishi and Miko, we have an announcement! Tamahome has decided to make an honest man out of me at last. We're getting married next week!"

There was a moment of stunned silence...then a pure sound descended into their midst. It was the sound of a peal of laughter, clear as a bell, bright as a beam of sunlight breaking through the clouds. It was Miaka laughing at Tasuki's dreadful joke, laughing until tears came to her eyes. It was so infectious that Chiriko joined in almost immediately, shortly followed by the rest of the seishi. They leapt out of their seats, laughing and crying, surrounding their two lost brothers and drawing them back into their embrace.

Tamahome was led gently to his seat, then anxiously plied with food from all his brother warriors, overwhelming him until Mitsukake took control and banished everything except a cup of broth and a half bowl of rice. Chichiri smiled in pure happiness, then turned to tickle Chiriko until both were breathless, laughing helplessly. Nuriko leaned against Hotohori's shoulder, as Hotohori gently wiped away Nuriko's tears of joy. Miaka released her arms from around Tamahome's neck when Mitsukake shooed her away.

She approached her fifth seishi where he lounged in his seat, grinning at the chaos and confusion he had provoked. The audacity of Tasuki's joke, his willingness to bring the rape out of the darkness and into the light, thus robbing the evil of its power to shame them and crush them--that was the power of Suzaku at its best, and his miko knew how to reward her bravest warrior.

"I love you," she murmured softly to him.

His grin widened, exposing his fangs. "Of course you do--baaaka!"

"Mou, Tasuki!"

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Author's notes: (4-3-02) (happy sigh) Well, was that worth the wait…or not? You can be honest with me.

Guess what! I finally found the newest Viz manga of Fushigi Yuugi (Volume 6 "Summoner") at Border's, and I got the biggest thrill out of reading Yuu Watase's description of Chichiri! She refers to him as a mystery, and although she calls Tamahome and Hotohori the obvious leaders of the warriors, she says that Chichiri is the power behind the throne. She also calls him the "adult who looks after the kids." Whoooo! I didn't realize that I was falling in line with canon when I depicted him that way! Hey, everybody, didja hear that? Me--Roku--canon… hah!

And another thing from Volume 6: in the breakfast scene, when the injured Tasuki comes face-to-face with Tamahome for the first time since the kodoku battle, the pissed-off Tasuki says "Feh!" Feh! My favorite Inu-Yasha line! See, I told you that my two favorite fang-boys were alike! Feh! (pronounced "Keh!" in the anime, for some reason)

Next chapter: Oh, frabjous day! The moment you've been waiting for so patiently! Mits finally gets his mitts on the tessen! (yes, I know that's not canon, but I can't stay in line for long, especially when it's just too fun!) Also, more Tamahome...and stronger Tamahome, the way I love him! However, on a darker note: Miaka must make a decision. Heartbreak is inevitable for someone…maybe more than one person. Hold onto your hats, folks; angst is coming back to "White Stones!"

Ja ne!

Roku